to think grandmothers are expected to shoulder too much childcare?

[catchingup1]

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2025/aug/24/grandparent-revolt-burned-out-childcare-birthrates

I’ve just read this article and what stood out to me wasn’t selfishness, it was how much of this seems to fall on grandmothers in particular. It feels like there is still this quiet expectation that women will just step back into a caring role, no matter their age or stage of life.

They have already spent years raising their own children, often doing the bulk of the emotional and practical labour. Then just as they reach a point where they might finally have some time for themselves, it starts again. Not always because they actively choose it, but because it is assumed they will.

I completely understand that parents are under pressure and childcare is expensive. That is real. But it does not sit right that the solution often becomes leaning on grandmothers as if their time is simply available.

There is also something about the guilt attached to it. Saying no can be made to feel like you are letting people down or not caring enough, when actually it can just be about wanting a bit of your own life back after decades of responsibility.
It feels less like a revolt and more like long overdue boundaries. Grandmothers are allowed to be more than just caregivers. They are allowed to rest, to have interests, to travel, to do nothing if they want.

AIBU to think this is not about grandparents being unwilling, but about grandmothers in particular carrying a burden that people are only just starting to question?

Excellent post.

Also this bribery of: well if MIL/DM does not step up and offer childcare, she jolly well better not expect help when she's older or disabled.

So help when sick or frail is contingent on babysitting during the last few preceding years of one's physical health, competence and autonomy. It must be put in the service of child rearing. Again.

Or die alone.

I guess it's just as well that the Assisted Dying Bill will likely be fully embedded in society in a decade or so.

It doesn't apply to grandfathers for some reason - they do not need to provide childcare to get care for themselves.

I strongly doubt that's the whole story

Why is it ok to expect elderly care from your children but not for them to expect childcare from you?

I don't expect in either direction btw but I just wonder why you think elderly care should be a given but childcare not requested?

Every family has different circumstances. Some grandmothers are delighted to do child care, others not.
The crux of the matter is open honest discussion with respect on both sides.
I've done a fair bit of grandchild care but was always asked what suited me, how much I was happy to do, how it fitted in with my life. And if I wanted a break or a holiday I gave plenty of notice and they found ways round it.

It’s not quite that simple though.

What you’re describing is how it should work, and it sounds like it’s been handled really well in your family. But that is the point, it only works like that when everyone is already on equal footing.

Even before any conversation happens, there’s already an expectation sitting there that grandmothers will help which mostly does not exist for grandfathers. It might not be said out loud, but it’s there. So when she’s asked what suits you, it’s not always a completely free choice. There’s a bit of pressure in the background to be accommodating or sometimes so she can see the grandchildren.

Not everyone feels comfortable pushing back on that. Saying I only want to do this much or I need a break can come with guilt or worry about being seen as difficult or not caring enough. That doesn’t land the same way for men who are largely free from this.

I wouldn’t help my dad in the same way I would help my mum.
I’d bend over backwards if my mum needed me. I’d move her in with me if needed.
I wouldn’t want my dad to suffer but I wouldn’t be rearranging my life to help him.
That has everything to do with the levels of effort they have put into parenting and the grand-parenting.

That has everything to do with the levels of effort they have put into parenting and the grand-parenting.

Transactional then?

aren't all relationships? you reap what you sow.

some parents are hands off, give their kids little to no attention. make no sacrifices, go to no effort... so they won't have close relationships with the children when they grow up.... so when they need care, these adult children will feel no emotional bonds or compulsion to provide care themselves.

and this is outside of your initial post about grandchildren. this assumes no grandchild but poor initial parenting.

just because someone's a parent, doesn't mean they're loving/caring. you reap what you sow.

To an extent. Like I said - I wouldn’t want him to suffer - but he wouldn’t help me/ my son with anything so I just couldn’t justify revolving my life around him in his old age. I’ve got a friend in a similar situation who has said exactly the same. So your point about grandfathers don’t have to be involved to receive old age care doesn’t really ring true with me because I think you get back what you put in with all relationships.

That sounds overly simple. Be a good parent and you will get a close, supportive relationship later. But people aren’t that predictable. You can do your best and still end up with distance. Life changes, partners come along, priorities shift, personalities clash. It is not all down to what someone did years ago.

It also works the other way. Some people had pretty poor parenting and still show up for their parents later, out of duty or just who they are. So it is clearly not just about reaping what you sow.

There is also a lot of blame baked into that idea. If a relationship is not close, it suggests the parent must have got something wrong. Sometimes that is true, but not always. Relationships are shaped by both sides over time, not just one person’s effort.

Women are often expected to keep giving regardless. A grandmother can have been a very involved, loving parent and still end up doing more than she really wants to, not because of what she sowed, but because people have much greater expectations of her than grandfathers Grandmothers are judged and criticised more heavily than grandfathers for not helping with grandchildren.

How you parent matters. But it is not a guarantee of how things turn out and it does not explain why the expectations later on still tend to fall more heavily on grandmothers.

The OP was making a general point. Individual examples don't invalidate her argument.

That’s why I said it doesn’t ring true with me ☺️

I don’t think that it is generally expected that grandmothers will provide childcare, is it? Certainly outside of Mumsnet? I can only think of one close friend or relative whose mum and MIL provide regular (weekly) childcare.

My mum still works, and also was always very clear that she would not want to commit to providing regular childcare. My MIL would love to help with the childcare but is unable to as is a carer for FIL. This is totally fine.

You don't have to believe me but it is. I know him from the same hobby so I know his side as well, he's started coming at different times to her and told us all why. And I've heard him on the phone and read the messages while it was going on.

I'm afraid that in many cases it is exactly that simple. If you're a crap, disinterested parent, do not expect a good relationship with your children as you do not deserve it. You may have the type of children who will always seek your approval and still be at your beck and call, but the chances are they will simply not be interested in you.

Perhaps you've had a nice and easy life with loving parents but you need to accept that there are many of us who haven't. Perhaps we weren't neglected, we were fed and clothed but not much more. I'm not here to discuss my own situation but I know from my own experience and from that of others that there are some pretty crap parents out there.

You seem pretty firm on your ideas OP and not interested in listening to the many nuances presented here by all of the posters in their replies. Maybe you should listen, and think.

I get your over all point about women's place in society and also agree that things aren't simple.... and that's exactly why I'm saying most relationships are transactional (for want of a better word) and you do reap what you sow.

I’m coming from it the opposite direction- we’ve both worked all the way through and spent tens of thousands on childcare with no regular grandparent help due to distance but some holiday care (which we are grateful for). If I can, I’d absolutely do a day a week for each of my kids. I wouldn’t fancy all week and I’d want to still be able to travel.

A few years ago a friend was very upset. Her son had become engaged to his girlfriend a couple of years earlier and from the second they said they were engaged the girlfriend became a bridezilla, 'Do not pester me about my wedding, my mother will tell you what you need to know'.

This continued about every aspect of their lives and when she had their baby his parents were told to do nothing until her mother said it was OK, she would organise and time visits, as a result their grandchild was about 5 weeks old before they were allowed to see him, in the meantime all the new mother's family, friends were saying on SM how lovely it was to see the baby. When she spoke to her son about this it was clear that he'd had his orders from his MIL too".
During the maternity leave they still saw very little, she would invite them round about once a month 'but only for half an hour', routine etc etc was the excuse. Fast forward to a couple of months before her maternity leave finished and they came round with no notice, her mother too, to discuss what days they would be going to their son's house to look after the baby, her mother commented 'I've done a lot for them, it's about time you stepped up!'. They were expected to go round to learn how it had to be done too!

Luckily, they had a 6 week road trip organised starting when she went back to work, oh dear, quelle dommage. It didn't go down well, so selfish apparently. The new parents really didn't see any problem created by their behaviour.

We'll have to disagree about what ringing true means.

I haven't had a nice easy time with loving parents.

Poor relationships do not explain why the burden still falls on mostly grandmothers rather than grandfathers.

The poll says 79% YANBU.

Maybe you should look at the figures and think.

Providing the parents have been relatively decent, they have raised their children, looked after them when ill, provided them with the best education they can arrange or pay for, facilitated their learning, helped them set and reach goals, helped them become self sufficient adults with jobs and careers, and in increasingly many cases, either provided a deposit for them to buy a home directly, or through extended living at home at reduced cost.

If that's not enough to spark some natural empathy and desire to help them when they're older, then what's the point in offering childcare in the first place?

Secondly, it's bribery of the worst kind. A sort of Damoclean sword above their heads. Use your last remaining year's of independence and energy to also look after my children, or you can suffer old age alone.

Raosing our own children shouldn't be done with an expectation of elderly care giving. I say that as someone whose mum is dead and who I'd gladly have cared for into her old age rather than the brief period of care she required before she passed. I don't expect my choldrent o provide care for me, how is it not also bribery to hold the basic care of your own children over their heads to have them provide you elderly care as a given?

We all help each other out as a society surely, as a family or we don't. That's the way of it.

Children are dependant, they need care, we know that when we have them. The care your provide in childhood therefore is the basic contract of having them.

Once they are adults providing caring help for THEIR children is above and beyond but also as an adult expecting them to care for you when elderly is also an above and beyond.

Up to you to make your choices but also up to your children

We all help each other out as a society surely, as a family or we don't. That's the way of it.

But the burden of childcare falls more on grandmothers than grandfathers so it is not just oh let us help each other out.

Absolutely but did those grandfather's do much childcare in their own families? Because if your husband did piss all with your own children then you let that dynamic occur. Also I wouldn't spit on my da if he was on fire so I wouldn't leave my kids with him and I'm not wiping his arse when he's only so My view on this won't be balanced

I didn't say the parents should 'expect' elderly care, I said if all the affection, time, and effort parents had put in with their children results in them still employing the rubric of 'help with elderly care' as a weapon to ensure compliance from their (mostly mothers) parents with regular child care, then there's no point. What makes you think offering childcare will cause them to have any natural desire to help when older? Likely not. Clearly their efforts as parents weren't appreciated and they're not loved for themselves. Only as caregivers. And that's the point about women. Strongly perceived (and the job market reflects it) as caregivers above all.

I daresay the vast majority of parents pray to God that they never have to become a burden on their children. It's actually somewhat unnatural to want the roles of independence to be reversed. Most people in that position hate it. I don't have good health and I think I'd rather pass away quickly than become such a burden personally. It's a terribly nasty thing to hold out the spectre of being deserted whilst being incredibly vulnerable as a means of engendering some sort of emotional guilt and surrender to babysitting duties.

It's not comparative to not babysitting at all. It far more extreme. And downright nasty.