to think grandmothers are expected to shoulder too much childcare?

[catchingup1]

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2025/aug/24/grandparent-revolt-burned-out-childcare-birthrates

I’ve just read this article and what stood out to me wasn’t selfishness, it was how much of this seems to fall on grandmothers in particular. It feels like there is still this quiet expectation that women will just step back into a caring role, no matter their age or stage of life.

They have already spent years raising their own children, often doing the bulk of the emotional and practical labour. Then just as they reach a point where they might finally have some time for themselves, it starts again. Not always because they actively choose it, but because it is assumed they will.

I completely understand that parents are under pressure and childcare is expensive. That is real. But it does not sit right that the solution often becomes leaning on grandmothers as if their time is simply available.

There is also something about the guilt attached to it. Saying no can be made to feel like you are letting people down or not caring enough, when actually it can just be about wanting a bit of your own life back after decades of responsibility.
It feels less like a revolt and more like long overdue boundaries. Grandmothers are allowed to be more than just caregivers. They are allowed to rest, to have interests, to travel, to do nothing if they want.

AIBU to think this is not about grandparents being unwilling, but about grandmothers in particular carrying a burden that people are only just starting to question?

Retirement age is higher for men, and there is a tendency for women to marry older men as well. So when you are looking at a set of grandparents the father may be older and less able to cope or still in work.

I think in a lot of cases it is the structural difference in our society that causes this. My father would love to be providing care alongside my mother for my brothers child, but he is still working.

A lot of women are asked to give up work to look after GC whereas this is rarely expected for men. So it is not just about working.

When I was growing up in the 60s and 70s, most mothers were SAHMs. None of my friends were regularly looked after by their grandmothers. Ditto DH elsewhere in the country. One friend’s mother worked, because she was widowed - my friend was about 12 and became a latchkey child.

My grandparents moved all over the country, and only lived for a few years near us. They had me twice - once when my brother was born, and once me and my brother, when my other grandfather died abroad and my parents had to go out there to sort it out. Otherwise, no actual childcare. It was all of us just round for tea or Christmas from time to time.

The retirement age for men and women has been the same since 2018.

I'm fairly sure my gran was taken care of by her gran.

I didn't use my mum for childcare as we moved away so I had to pay for it. She got free childcare, we didn't 🤷🏼‍♀️

Re granddads, I didn't say or imply they get away with doing nothing. Only that grans looking after kids is nothing new. Older generations look after the younger ones and have done for a long time.

She got free childcare, we didn't 🤷🏼‍♀️

People just love pointing out when other women get free childcare. The father never benefits from such an arrangement so he doesn't need to be mentioned.

Re granddads, I didn't say or imply they get away with doing nothing.

You focused on the grandmothers and didn't bring grandads into the equation because the same expectations and pressure is not on grandads.

I think the changes are due to economics and women's emancipation. Women are expected to do it all now and the pace of life is faster. In the 70s and 80s this highly unrealistic slogan of women 'doing it all' was bandied around. It was a slogan couched in misogyny, because men never ever were expected to 'do it all'. They still don't. Today's children still expect their mothers to 'do it all'.

A lot of women who are now between the ages of 50 -70 have found themselves stuck in a female rights time gap. They have had the expectations of older generations that lived more traditionally (aka the village, the village being a covert euphemism for 'women') thrust upon them, whilst also having a life that included the new bold ideals and freedoms of female equality. So this generation has fulfilled the traditional model of having children - sometimes quite a few - whilst also working and supplementing the household income, and acquiring assets like houses and better life quality for their children. Particularly their daughters. They have opened up choices for their daughters, whilst also seeing their own retirement age kicked further down the road.

Then their children who saw their own grandparents helping out, expect feminist era grandma to help with childcare, overlooking all that grandma has done beforehand to help lay the groundwork for where they themselves are now.

So the irony is the working daughter/DIL forgets that she is able to provide for herself and have work opportunities now because of the modern grandmas leading the way, opening up opportunities for women in the work force, and is just resentful that she won't get regular childcare, when the time when women broadly provided regular childcare was in the period when many women were not able to work, had less opportunities, fewer women in research, stem, engineering, women having their own pensions and not just their husbands, having to get a stipend from husband etc. They couldn't afford separate holidays, days out, they had less freedom.

They forget all that and want their mothers back in the home looking after kids like it's 50s pre third-wave feminism.

So the irony is the working daughter/DIL forgets that she is able to provide for herself and have work opportunities now because of the modern grandmas leading the way, opening up opportunities for women in the work force, and is just resentful that she won't get regular childcare.

Extremely well said. I see so many posts here with upset resentful daughters/DILs because DM/MILs won't provide childcare.

I didn't have any expectation of help from grandparents but we had a conversation about what would work when I went back to work. My mum was 50 and still working nights as a nurse when my first was born so she couldn't commit to a set day of the week but my MIL was older and didn't work so between them they had him a day each, which day depended on my mum's rota. I paid for nursery for the other days I was in work. It was a lovely way for both grandmothers to build a strong relationship with my children. My son started school the year I was on mat leave with his brother so when I returned to work that time, the nans would have the younger baby through the day and do school pick up on their one day.

We live near where we grew up so we're fortunate that the grandmas were local enough and offered to have them for the one day a week. I'd never have asked for more. My dad was working a full time office job as he was also in his 50s. My FIL is dead.

My mum had no help with childcare from any relatives as we lived a few hours away from other family so she has always been open about wanting to be helpful. However, we've always respected her need for her own life. My sister's children are younger and actually, the ages meant she never had more than 1 baby or toddler at a time. Our children all go to the same school so when they were of an age when they just needed picking up from school one day a week for a few hours, my mum said she was happy to do it as it was just one trip to one school one day a week.

In the school holidays my mum will still ask if they want to go out with her for the day even though mine are teenagers. They don't need childcare, but they do like a day out with her. She loves it, the younger ones give her an excuse to go to all the lovely places we used to go to in school holidays like local museums, parks, beaches, castles etc. And with the older ones, this holiday she's taken my 14 year old on a speed boat, on a tour, gardening. And my teens have gone to meet their other nan in a pub for a meal and a catch up and helped her with some jobs in her house. My dad's still working but they see plenty of him too and have a shared passion.

It's a long post but I kind of wanted to illustrate that where there were no assumptions or expectations from me about having childcare through the grandparents, actually what we did end up with worked well for everyone and has been a big part of my kids having great relationships with their grandparents completely independently of me.

I think you’re being reasonable. I’ve had my children much later than my mum and she’s helping me through new born days where she can but I certainly can see she’s slowed down and think she deserves to have a break! Other members of our family still rely on her a lot which I think is unfair so we try to not ask as much as possible and get the right balance with an occasional visit which is about bonding with grandchildren as much as it is helping us. My mum had to do a lot of difficult stuff, did a lot of childcare for my nephews and deserves to chill a bit now. I feel I appreciate more how much of a break she deserves since becoming a parent and understanding just how much she juggled with us! In the last couple of years me and my sisters (with no conversation about it what do ever) have started putting more effort into booking holidays and days out with our parents rather than just counting childcare time as the thing that makes a family Alone because I think we all recognise they deserve to enjoy this period of their life.

My mum became a grandmother at 53. I'm more likely to be 70. That makes a huge difference in what we can or can't offer.

My parents looked after the children for us for weekends away (roughly once a year) and took them on holiday, and that was absolutely wonderful. They were never regular childcare and I wouldn't have asked it of them. They had their early retirement to enjoy!

I'm from a country/culture where it is seen as normal for grandmothers/grandparents to do childcare, although increasingly this is changing. This works though as children are often expected to chip in (alot) with raising younger siblings and family members.
My mum has supported me alot since my relationship broke down, and even during the relationship to be fair as my child's father did nothing we agreed with responsibilities of childcare. I feel guilty about how much I've relied on her but with my child starting school in a year I plan to make it up to her, she'll want for nothing.

I think we expected to Have It All in the 70s/80s, that this wasn't something imposed on us. Then we realised slowly that we were in fact Doing It All, working full-time, even at senior levels, having the kids, doing most of the family emotional and planning work etc. (Even the nicest men were usually absent, as often now.)

Now those same women, having worked all their lives, raised children, possibly tended their own elderly parents, are being expected to drop everything and step up, again. (And usually it’s the grandmothers doing most of the tending, let’s be honest.)

There is a class element to this story, I think, in that in the past, middle class families could afford childcare and their mothers didn’t need to provide it in any significant, regular fashion. Now, however, even middle-class families are massively squeezed, because of housing and childcare costs. Hence the new pressure on the grandmothers (and sometimes the grandfathers) to step in, and young women’s feeling that they are entitled to this ('You had free degrees, relatively cheap housing, and cheap childcare. We don’t. We need you to step up and help out.')

I can see that there is a strong feeling of unfairness, from both sides, frankly. And also a denial of elderly women’s increasing frailness and tiredness, that they might simply not be up to looking after a baby or toddler. (Doing long country walks, zumba classes or travelling is a doddle compared with a few hours tending a toddler, in my view. And grandmothers’ ability to do those things might mislead their families about their strength and resilience.)

Asking them to babysit every now and then and regularly visiting them is fine. If they offer to be childcare that can work, but it often doesn't and can end up causing disagreements or open up a whole hist of problems.

I'm also in camp that says if you can't afford nursery care, to give up your job, go part time or whatever it takes financially then you shouldn't have kids. This doesn't cover unplanned tho obvs.

In part it's a sexist holdover from the era when many women didn't work while their husbands did until retirement and people didn't move around as much for jobs.

But now that many women are working until their late 60s, they're not able to provide childcare without compromising their retirement.

The price of childcare also is a huge factor.

And there's a lot of entitled people out there who expect their family to still revolve around them the way it did when they were kids. I think the pendulum swung from mostly ignoring the kids, play outside and come in when it's dark to a very child centered parenting where the kids' wants come ahead of other family members needs.

Also, going forward with state pension age at 67, grandparents are likely to be working and the expectation to give that up for childcare is quite unreasonable. My parents were in their 70s when our DC arrived. I think that's the perfect age. Young enough to help a bit, but not so young that they could be mistaken for parents

My grandmothers both looked after my sister and I - particularly in school hols. My mum went back to work part time when we both started school. They were both widowed by that point (apparently when I was a baby by grandad used to turn up regularly wanting to take me out in my pram though!)

My dad was also looked after by his grandparents, they used to take him every weekend to give his mum a break - there was a big gap between him & his baby siblings. One widowed grandmother moved in eventually and my gran then went back to work, as she was at home for my dad and uncles getting home from school. Agree that most families before the 90’s had one parent at home or very part time, but grandparents supporting with childcare is not a new phenomenon - I think the biggest change is the pressure caused by mums having to work now due to COL, costs of childcare etc, and this pressure perhaps unfairly being transferred onto grandparents.

Grandmas now perhaps have bigger lives outside the home, more commitments, have bigger expectations of what they want to do with their lives rather than just domestic tasks and so are reluctant to commit to regular childcare, and that is absolutely fine.

My mum always said to me that if Ihad kids she wouldn't be an unpaid babysitter.

Although she'd have be more than happy to have them once a week she very clearly told me her days of childcare were well and truly over.

As it happened I was never maternal anyway but at least I know where I stood. And I don't consider it selfish of her to have said that to me either.

Working later in one way hopefully makes it easier for grandmothers to opt out of childcare even though they there is still considerable pressure on them.

I have friends who keep working even though they want to retire because they know they will get hassled for childcare. Their husbands don't get harassed even though some of them have retired!

The current crop of ‘grans’ probably worked full time all of their lives, whereas the previous generation of grandmothers didn't, so felt happy to step up.

We have my grandson regularly as his parents both work 24/7 jobs. I love having him but find all the work is left to me, drink as granny, snack ask granny clearing up after meals all me. The funny thing is that DH was a really hands on dad but not so much a hands on grampy. However im so ill he has to take on all the heavy lifting and I think he's just realising how much work it is.

It's interesting to look at the opinions that this is a generational thing. My grandmother was widowed when my dad was 4 and had to go back to work. He was looked after by his grandparents. This was in the 1930's. In the 60's we didn't live near our only grandparent so my mum didn't go back to work until I was 10 and I would let myself in and wait for her. Couldn't afford childcare. In the '90's I had to turn a job down as I would have been earning less than the childcare on 2 children under 3 would have cost. Went back to work part time after youngest started school. We didn't live near either set of grandparents. Now, well I'm in my late 60's and don't expect to do childcare!

When my children entered the childbearing years I felt very strongly that grandmothers shouldn't be expected to provide regular childcare, that they had raised their families, worked all their lives, done their bit.

Then I had (step) grandchildren, some of whom are now about to start school, and I feel some regret that I didn’t do more (although I’ve always been happy to step in in emergencies and to ‘hang’ to share the load).

And now that my youngest daughter is considering having a baby, I know that, despite aching knees and hips and declining strength, I’d throw all caution to the wind and be there to help out in any way possible in a heartbeat.

It passes so quickly, and is so lovely and life-affirming, being part of their little lives, as well as being satisfying to be able to help your children.

In my experience, most people dont actually expect childcare. The grandparents get really excited and promise they’ll do it, then xhange their mind. People in their 60s/70s have other interests and roles in society now. And people in their 30s and 40s are generally screwed and overwhelmed by life. Very few
people can afford to be sahm or sahd so childcare is a massive stressor. And even if you can be a sahm, it’s extremely overwhelming as you are bombarded with messaging about how youre doing it all wrong.

And there’s another issue that hadn’t occurred to me - grandmothers in the past were younger when their grandchildren arrived, as people had their children in their 20s, not in their 30s and beyond.