to think grandmothers are expected to shoulder too much childcare?

[catchingup1]

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2025/aug/24/grandparent-revolt-burned-out-childcare-birthrates

I’ve just read this article and what stood out to me wasn’t selfishness, it was how much of this seems to fall on grandmothers in particular. It feels like there is still this quiet expectation that women will just step back into a caring role, no matter their age or stage of life.

They have already spent years raising their own children, often doing the bulk of the emotional and practical labour. Then just as they reach a point where they might finally have some time for themselves, it starts again. Not always because they actively choose it, but because it is assumed they will.

I completely understand that parents are under pressure and childcare is expensive. That is real. But it does not sit right that the solution often becomes leaning on grandmothers as if their time is simply available.

There is also something about the guilt attached to it. Saying no can be made to feel like you are letting people down or not caring enough, when actually it can just be about wanting a bit of your own life back after decades of responsibility.
It feels less like a revolt and more like long overdue boundaries. Grandmothers are allowed to be more than just caregivers. They are allowed to rest, to have interests, to travel, to do nothing if they want.

AIBU to think this is not about grandparents being unwilling, but about grandmothers in particular carrying a burden that people are only just starting to question?

Just to play devils advocate… I absolutely agree no one should feel pressured to help look after grandkids… however how many of this generation will expect their daughters (and yes, I agree it will usually be the daughters) to care for them, ferry them around to appointments etc as they age?

My aunt has no grandkids, but she spends a great deal of her time dashing about doing my nan’s shopping, taking her to appointments, doctors, managing her bills etc.

A lot of families will end up helping each other out at various stages of life. It’s just… the up and downs of life. My dad might help me out now with a bit of childcare while I am 40 and he is in his 60’s - in 15/20 years perhaps I’ll be the one moving closer to support him in his old age?

I voted YABU too, our baby boomer parents did not help with childcare or babysitting.

Both of our mums stayed home. We both had very involved grandparents.

Both expect a lot of support now they are elderly.

Of course I am not saying everyone will be in this position but I know of as many families doing a lot of caring for elderly relatives as I do looking after grandkids..

A lot of families will end up helping each other out at various stages of life. It’s just… the up and downs of life.

Except the fact that childcare usually falls on the grandmothers rather than the grandfathers.

I don't really know why you are surprised OP, we all know that the burden of child-raising/childcare still falls mainly on women of all ages, why would grandmothers be any different?!

I would add though I do think it's the case that a lot of the time it's the grandmothers - as opposed to grandfathers - who actively want to spend more time with the grandchildren, have been looking forward to becoming grandparents etc.

In my case, my mum put her hand up from when I was pregnant to look after my baby when I went back to work. My dad is 100% involved too when my child is with them, but it was definitely my mum who wanted to do it, I am not sure my dad would have offered to actually do regular childcare and he is definitely more conscious of preserving his own time as he has more hobbies etc.

Same with my MIL, she would love to have my daughter if she could (can't because of distance) but I don't think it would even cross my FIL's mind to offer, and I don't think he would actually want to do it on his own.

It is a wider societal issue that people see women as default caregivers, but it's across all age groups, so it doesn't shock me at all that grandmothers tend to be the ones caring for grandchildren.

I’m a grandmother to 5 (2 are step)

I am in my 40s still, working and with 2 teens still at home, single parent as well.. literally cannot commit to regular childcare even if I wanted to. I don’t. I’m struggling with my own life and my own health. I do see them but only if I go to my ds. He never comes here with them (no arguments or rows, he’s very chaotic)

I have my eldest dgd every other Saturday night though, too complicated to explain why.

Ive seen the way my neighbour gets shafted by her 4 children over childcare, they take the piss out of her, put on her all the time, she’s still working too, she has no life of her own, she goes away and has to take the grandkids with her. No thanks

edited to add I do look after all the grandkids if their parents want the odd night out though, or help out with appointments or emergencies, I’m not that tight 😆.

this is a generalisation. my mother, grandmothers, and great grandmothers all worked. my mum had no help from her mum so she wanted to give me help.

Same situation with me - and nearly all my friends. I don't have a single one who's had tons of help from a rosy-cheeked grandma. I asked mine to babysit my child once - ONCE - and it was such a disaster that I never did it again. I only did it in the first place because I thought my kids should spend more time with their grandparents, but that was me projecting and had no basis in what my parents actually wanted. Looking back, I think my siblings would have been feral if I hadn't been around to help raise them.

I am not sure my dad would have offered to actually do regular childcare and he is definitely more conscious of preserving his own time as he has more hobbies etc.

But a lot of people are not conscious of preserving their grandmothers time. Just because it is the default doesn't mean women bring up their own children and then should be pressured for childcare again when they are grandmothers while women avoiding asking the men involved because they just don't want to on their own like your dad.

Often when grandfathers do childcare, it is back seat. The grandmother is still preparing meals and feeding the children, looking after them when ill. Grandfathers will do more picks up and playing (much easier). Mental load is with the grandmothers,

YANBU

The expectation is incredibly gendered, isn’t it? Few people have the same expectations of grandfathers.

Also it’s very telling that grandmothers in their turn refer to requests from their DIL for childcare (I can understand when it’s their own daughter) and not from their son.

I understand your point - the daughters will likely be the ones to care for their elderly parents in turn, in many cases? I’m not saying that’s right, but I meant that things will change throughout our lives, yeah sometimes grandmas might be helping with some childcare but those grandmas might then benefit from care from their daughters (or even grandkids) when they are elderly.

Sometimes grandmas might be helping with some childcare but those grandmas might then benefit from care from their daughters (or even grandkids) when they are elderly.

It is transactional then? Most grandfathers don't have to pay with childcare first.

The men can bow out completely because the women deal with it.

No help from any family here. Both DH and I had involved DGPs and if I am able to then I would rather have that relationship with any future DGC. Occasionally DMIL talks about moving in with us when she gets older but that definitely isn't happening, and i suppose the lack of involvement makes that decision easier.

I know someone who provides what he calls 'Granddaddy daycare' for his DGC.

@SmudgeBrown "The current crop of ‘grans’ probably worked full time all of their lives, whereas the previous generation of grandmothers didn't, so felt happy to step up."

I agree with your first sentence. The current crop of grans probably have worked most of their lives. But I don't agree with the rest. Years ago grandparents rarely "stepped up" at all. Your mother or sometimes MIL might come and help for a few days after you'd given birth but (barring death or disasters) that was about it. And they might've babysat for a very rare night out, but it wasn't really the "done thing". As a woman you were very much expected to look after your children and manage your own household once you married.

I agree with you but I am just not sure why you have zeroed in on grandmothers and seem to feel so much more outraged by it?

What you are saying is a general problem across society as a whole - women are put upon massively unequally when it comes to demands of the home and family. You could replace the word 'grandfather' with 'father' throughout your post and it would still be true for many, if not most, families.

But a lot of people are not conscious of preserving their grandmothers time. Just because it is the default doesn't mean women bring up their own children and then should be pressured for childcare again when they are grandmothers while women avoiding asking the men involved because they just don't want to on their own like your dad.

I am not conscious of preserving my dad's time either...he is and as such he made sure to discuss which days the children would be with them and express his preferences etc. Again it's part of the wider issue that perhaps a woman would not feel as comfortable to do that.

However, I would honestly say that in the majority of situations I am aware of, grandmothers have not been pressured (in the traditional sense) to provide childcare, they have actively offered and wanted to do it. That's not to say that internally there may not be pressure to feel they should offer, but it's not been a case of their child actively pushing them into doing childcare that they didn't want to provide.

I literally said both my parents benefitted. I'd expect my dad to help except he is still working full time so can't.

You’re kind of proving the point.

Yes, it is a wider societal issue. No one’s denying that. But focusing in on grandmothers isn’t random, it’s where that inequality often lands hardest.

By the time women become grandmothers, they’ve already done decades of unpaid labour. Raising children, managing homes, often working as well. Then instead of that load easing, it just continues, rebranded as helping out.

Saying you could swap in father and it still applies misses something important. The expectations aren’t applied equally. Fathers and grandfathers are far more likely to be seen as helping when they do childcare. Mothers and grandmothers are seen as default providers. That difference matters.

On the they’ve offered point, that’s exactly where the pressure sits. It’s not always someone standing there demanding childcare. It’s the unspoken expectation that a “good” mum or grandma will offer. That she’ll want to. That she’ll feel guilty if she doesn’t. That’s still pressure, just internalised.

A lot of women don’t feel they can say:

no, I don’t want to do regular childcare
no, I want my own time now
no, I’ve done my bit

They know how it will be read. As selfish, unloving, difficult. Men don’t tend to carry that same risk. They even be denied time with their grandchildren.

Your example kind of highlights it again. Your dad set boundaries and expressed preferences. That’s great. But you even acknowledge that a woman might not feel as comfortable doing that. See how women get criticised on MN when they set a boundary.

Yes it is a broader inequality. But grandmothers are a very specific point where that inequality becomes normalised, expected and rarely questioned. That is the reason for focus on grandmothers.

Since people are talking about whether these errant grandparents will deserve care from their offspring when they're older, maybe it should be noted that these grandparents are also looking after their parents.

Many boomer parents are of the sandwich generation. They have grandkids and also very elderly parents. When my first grandchild arrived, I had my own mother who was disabled by a stroke, and my MIL* with dementia. 'Fortunately' by that stage they were both in care homes, but also 100 and 150 miles away, respectively, so I 'only' had to manage their finances and POA and visit them every two to three weeks.

Had my grandchildren arrived a few years earlier, I'd have been pulled in both directions, and unfortunately, for various reasons, the older generation would have needed my time more.

*Before the "where was your DH in this?" posts arrive, he was dead.

🤣🤣🤣 yeah whatever, neither of the grand parents want to help out, both retired and in good health. All their parents died long before our child was born. Just the boomer generation that I am unsure if they even really raised me. Think we were just accessories maybe it’s later generations than myself in early 40s.

I wonder any grandmother dares to do regular childcare these days. So many people seem to expect the trappings of paid childcare (do everything I say, don’t question anything) without wanting to pay for it. I read so many threads on MN to that effect. Similarly to being outraged that there is no ‘village’ to help bring up their child (but at the same time don’t discipline my child, mind your own business, you’re not allowed to judge, I prioritise ‘my little family’).

Yes there are plenty of grandmothers who do regular childcare. As so many posters keep saying 'but she offered'.

Most grandfathers do not get involved and are secretly relieved they don't have to do childcare.

I find the generalisation that “most” grandfathers are relieved not to do childcare frustrating as that has not been my experience at all, I’m sure many more grandmothers do it but there are a lot of caring, competent grandfathers who love spending time with their grandkids. Perhaps it is your experience but not mine. I’m a bit offended on my dad and father in law’s behalf!

There are a fair few threads on mumsnet where grandmothers are upset that they are being expected to do an unreasonable amount of childcare, their kids are ungrateful, have too many rules or whatever, but that is what happens on a message board. You’d hardly have 5 threads a day of “my mum / dad help me out with childcare once a fortnight, it works really well & everyone is happy.”

No one is saying there aren’t loving caring grandfathers. Of course there are. But pointing that out doesn’t really address the actual issue being raised.

This isn’t about whether individual grandfathers are kind or involved. It’s about patterns and expectations. You can have plenty of great grandfathers and still have a situation where overall more of the responsibility lands on grandmothers.

Being offended on behalf of specific men kind of sidesteps that. It turns the focus away that grandmothers do more of the childcare.

Saying it hasn’t been your experience doesn’t mean it is not common. Lots of people don’t personally see something and still know it happens more widely.

On the MN point, yes, people post when things are going wrong. That’s true. But when you keep seeing the same type of complaint again and again, it usually reflects a real underlying issue.

Also, those threads are nearly always about grandmothers being stretched, expected to do more or struggling to set boundaries. You don’t see the same volume about grandfathers being leaned on in the same way on MN or online. See the difference?

No one is denying that positive, balanced setups exist. They clearly do. But they don’t cancel out the fact that in many families, the expectation still leans much more heavily on older women.

So it’s less about saying grandfathers don’t care and more about acknowledging that grandmothers are still more likely to be treated as the default. The burden is mostly the grandmothers not grandfathers,