AIBU to hate my mother-in-law after this?

Sunshine231 · 2026-04-07T18:58:32+00:00

AIBU to hate my mother in law? She has always been fairly unpleasant to me and made it quite clear she does not like me. Early in the relationship my partner told me as much and that it was apparently out of character for her to not like anyone (something I later discovered to be untrue). She interferes with our relationship constantly, basically forcing DH to tell her every minor detail of our arguments but if I ever try to defend my side she says I am an awful person for “causing her stress”. Anyway I try to have as little to do with her as possible: I am civil and always make sure she has a gift from the kids on special occasions but that’s it. This weekend she arranged a “family” dinner and invited my husband and the kids but not me. DH and I decided together that they would not go and he politely declined. MIL then sent him a string of messages saying that I am coercing him and isolating him from his family. That he’s changed since meeting me (for the worse) and that she finds it “disgusting” that I would stop him coming for a “lovely” family dinner. When DH tried to defend me she got her other son to message him which culminated in him calling me the c word multiple times and DH having to block him. I now really want nothing to do with MIL and really feel she is a horrible self centred individual who I don’t really want around my kids. DH is very very close to her so he’s worried about damaging his relationship with her. AIBU?

ProfessorRedshoeblueshoe · 07/04/2026 20:02

MIL is the one damaging the relationship.

ShanghaiDiva · 07/04/2026 20:02

she sounds throughly unpleasant and can’t understand why your dh would want a relationship with her. I would certainly have nothing to do with any relative who treated my spouse so appallingly.

Elsvieta · 07/04/2026 20:03

YANBU, but you're married to him, not her, and he needs to stand up for his wife. She can't possibly "force" him to tell her anything, and she can't demand to know about your arguments if she never knows when you've had an argument. You are entitled to insist that DH does not talk to her about it when there's been an argument. Why are you telling her "your side"? You're not squabbling siblings with her as your mum trying to break it up. She's not the referee of your relationship. You need to present a united front. Don't accept less from DH.

BusyExpert · 07/04/2026 20:04

Your DH needs to decide his priorities if my family treated ny husband like that it would be radio silence until they apologised and mended their ways.

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 07/04/2026 20:05

You have a DH problem here.

thepariscrimefiles · 07/04/2026 20:05

She sounds like a nightmare! I'm surprised that your DH is still really close to her after the horrible way she treats you.

If I were you, I wouldn't want my children in her company as she obviously can't be trusted not to say mean things about you. Her other son calling you the C-word is completely uncalled for and disgusting and you don't want you children hearing stuff like that.

Original poster

Sunshine231 · 07/04/2026 20:06

Elsvieta · 07/04/2026 20:03

YANBU, but you're married to him, not her, and he needs to stand up for his wife. She can't possibly "force" him to tell her anything, and she can't demand to know about your arguments if she never knows when you've had an argument. You are entitled to insist that DH does not talk to her about it when there's been an argument. Why are you telling her "your side"? You're not squabbling siblings with her as your mum trying to break it up. She's not the referee of your relationship. You need to present a united front. Don't accept less from DH.

Basically if he goes there after we have had an argument she will not let him leave without telling her every detail. He is not good at hiding his feelings so she always seems to be able to tell based on his mood. When he says he doesn’t want to talk about it she will not stop relentlessly quizzing him until he tells her. She uses emotional blackmail, saying he is making her unwell, to get him to tell her stuff

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Original poster

Sunshine231 · 07/04/2026 20:08

BusyExpert · 07/04/2026 20:04

Your DH needs to decide his priorities if my family treated ny husband like that it would be radio silence until they apologised and mended their ways.

The problem is that she will never apologise. And DH knows it. So he either lets it lie or he loses his relationship with them. He is very family oriented. I knew that when I met him. I don’t want him to lose his family

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xOlive · 07/04/2026 20:11

Your MIL sounds like a dickhead.
Your husband sounds like he has form for being a wet drip running to Mummy when he’s had a row with his wife. If he knows she doesn’t like you, why would he fuel that by telling her in detail about your arguments? Does she hold a gun to his head?
I’d cut her off, your husband can do what he likes.

Original poster

Sunshine231 · 07/04/2026 20:14

xOlive · 07/04/2026 20:11

Your MIL sounds like a dickhead.
Your husband sounds like he has form for being a wet drip running to Mummy when he’s had a row with his wife. If he knows she doesn’t like you, why would he fuel that by telling her in detail about your arguments? Does she hold a gun to his head?
I’d cut her off, your husband can do what he likes.

She does go to extreme lengths to manipulate him into telling her. For example recently she told him she had stomach pain and a scan had shown pancreas inflammation and it was more than likely cancer caused by the stress our relationship has caused her. He loves her very much so that is obviously extremely upsetting for him. I think he tells her to try alleviate her worries so she can see that it’s not “that bad” but instead she uses that as further fuel to dislike me

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Sometimeswinning · 07/04/2026 20:18

Sunshine231 · 07/04/2026 20:14

She does go to extreme lengths to manipulate him into telling her. For example recently she told him she had stomach pain and a scan had shown pancreas inflammation and it was more than likely cancer caused by the stress our relationship has caused her. He loves her very much so that is obviously extremely upsetting for him. I think he tells her to try alleviate her worries so she can see that it’s not “that bad” but instead she uses that as further fuel to dislike me

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Stop giving so much credit to your dh. I get why you do it but stop. My parents are everything to me. There are a lot of issues but I keep the peace and ensure it’s all perfect. If they turned against dh I’d be out. No thinking needed. You want me you have him.

Your dh is letting you down.

Dollymylove · 07/04/2026 20:18

I would be telling DP its her or me. He sounds like he needs to grow a pair and dump the dragon

Dalmationday · 07/04/2026 20:20

Gosh this sounds so toxic. Does she live near you? Any chance you can see her less??

DarmokAndJaladAtTenagra · 07/04/2026 20:20

Your husband needs to get therapy.

Sassylovesbooks · 07/04/2026 20:23

If you and your husband argue, then why does he go to his Mum's if he knows he'll be interrogated??? He's choosing to make the decision to go to his Mum's!! He knows perfectly well what she's like!! So why doesn't he go for a walk? Go for a drive? Go and see a friend? Your MIL knows too much about your life, and she uses it as ammunition against you!!

Your husband needs to stop!!!! The less your MIL knows, the less trouble she can cause!

Yes, your MIL sounds a nasty piece of work, but the information your husband is providing her, is making the situation worse. She dislikes you, so any 'bad' information he shares with her, is fuelling her dislike of you even more.

thistimelastweek · 07/04/2026 20:25

Sunshine231 · 07/04/2026 20:14

She does go to extreme lengths to manipulate him into telling her. For example recently she told him she had stomach pain and a scan had shown pancreas inflammation and it was more than likely cancer caused by the stress our relationship has caused her. He loves her very much so that is obviously extremely upsetting for him. I think he tells her to try alleviate her worries so she can see that it’s not “that bad” but instead she uses that as further fuel to dislike me

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So, your husband is a great big stupid gullible moron whose mum is straight from central casting as nightmare mother-in-law?

converseandjeans · 07/04/2026 20:27

I don’t know why he is telling her when you have had a row. She sounds really controlling.

boringperson123 · 07/04/2026 20:27

My sisters MIL is like this and her husband cut her off, his decision. He needs to step up and defend you, he should NOT be allowing you to be treated like this

Applecup · 07/04/2026 20:28

Sunshine231 · 07/04/2026 20:14

She does go to extreme lengths to manipulate him into telling her. For example recently she told him she had stomach pain and a scan had shown pancreas inflammation and it was more than likely cancer caused by the stress our relationship has caused her. He loves her very much so that is obviously extremely upsetting for him. I think he tells her to try alleviate her worries so she can see that it’s not “that bad” but instead she uses that as further fuel to dislike me

Show quote history

Why are you defending your wet flannel of a husband. If he didn’t go running off to mummy when you have an argument she wouldn’t know anything. He’s the problem.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/04/2026 20:30

DarmokAndJaladAtTenagra · 07/04/2026 20:20

Your husband needs to get therapy.

He really does.
Your DH is still allowing her to dictate to him, you have DC so it sounds like this has been going on for several years... so you both need help to work out a way to deal with it.

What do you "row" about... From your post it sounds like it's mostly caused by MIL's behaviour and his defence of it.?

She threw down the gauntlet by inviting DH and DC to family Easter dinner but not you? Was there any reason given for this or anything you did to prompt it.

Your DH tried to stand up to her by saying all go or none of us... but Enlisting the brother to ring up, being abusive and calling you the c word is terrible. Did you have beef with him before or was it just because of declining the dinner invite?

The MIL doesn't sound like a reasonable person who wants family peace or to mend bridges.. if there was any hint that she did, you could try to meet each other half way. From your post, she sounds like she's doing everything she can to oust you.

I would be worried about your DC getting involved in these family dramas and observing this behaviour.

Trotula · 07/04/2026 20:30

Is there a cultural element at play?
This stood out for me:
”Early in the relationship my partner told me as much and that it was apparently out of character for her to not like anyone”
Why did he tell you this? It isn’t going to help your relationship with his mum.
He shouldn’t be sharing any aspect of your arguments and if he can’t keep the emotion from his face he shouldn’t run back to mummy when he’s upset.
He needs to cut the apron strings!

Zanatdy · 07/04/2026 20:30

He needs to stop going over there if you’ve had an argument given he knows she will make him tell her. I wouldn’t be telling this woman a thing. He needs to man up. She sounds awful.

Original poster

Sunshine231 · 07/04/2026 20:31

Sassylovesbooks · 07/04/2026 20:23

If you and your husband argue, then why does he go to his Mum's if he knows he'll be interrogated??? He's choosing to make the decision to go to his Mum's!! He knows perfectly well what she's like!! So why doesn't he go for a walk? Go for a drive? Go and see a friend? Your MIL knows too much about your life, and she uses it as ammunition against you!!

Your husband needs to stop!!!! The less your MIL knows, the less trouble she can cause!

Yes, your MIL sounds a nasty piece of work, but the information your husband is providing her, is making the situation worse. She dislikes you, so any 'bad' information he shares with her, is fuelling her dislike of you even more.

It’s usually to pick up the kids which is unavoidable. She does have our youngest once a week which saves us paying the wraparound care that day but to be honest we were happy to pay for it and made that clear. She insisted that she needed to be able to spend time with her grandkids so we agreed. But she makes comments all the time about “how much she does for us” and that we are not grateful and threatening not to pick him up at the last minute

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DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/04/2026 20:31

Sassylovesbooks · 07/04/2026 20:23

If you and your husband argue, then why does he go to his Mum's if he knows he'll be interrogated??? He's choosing to make the decision to go to his Mum's!! He knows perfectly well what she's like!! So why doesn't he go for a walk? Go for a drive? Go and see a friend? Your MIL knows too much about your life, and she uses it as ammunition against you!!

Your husband needs to stop!!!! The less your MIL knows, the less trouble she can cause!

Yes, your MIL sounds a nasty piece of work, but the information your husband is providing her, is making the situation worse. She dislikes you, so any 'bad' information he shares with her, is fuelling her dislike of you even more.

Yes. And you need to tell your DH this!

Original poster

Sunshine231 · 07/04/2026 20:34

Trotula · 07/04/2026 20:30

Is there a cultural element at play?
This stood out for me:
”Early in the relationship my partner told me as much and that it was apparently out of character for her to not like anyone”
Why did he tell you this? It isn’t going to help your relationship with his mum.
He shouldn’t be sharing any aspect of your arguments and if he can’t keep the emotion from his face he shouldn’t run back to mummy when he’s upset.
He needs to cut the apron strings!

Because it had caused his brother to dislike me. His brother is also very close to MIL. So when he found out she didn’t like me, he said he didn’t want anything to do with me. So when my DH used to go visit him he had to make excuses for why I wasn’t invited. Eventually he told me the truth as he felt uncomfortable lying to me. However I later discovered that MIL also despised his last partner and had encouraged him to end the relationship

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