AIBU to hate my mother-in-law after this?

[Sunshine231]

AIBU to hate my mother in law? She has always been fairly unpleasant to me and made it quite clear she does not like me. Early in the relationship my partner told me as much and that it was apparently out of character for her to not like anyone (something I later discovered to be untrue). She interferes with our relationship constantly, basically forcing DH to tell her every minor detail of our arguments but if I ever try to defend my side she says I am an awful person for “causing her stress”. Anyway I try to have as little to do with her as possible: I am civil and always make sure she has a gift from the kids on special occasions but that’s it. This weekend she arranged a “family” dinner and invited my husband and the kids but not me. DH and I decided together that they would not go and he politely declined. MIL then sent him a string of messages saying that I am coercing him and isolating him from his family. That he’s changed since meeting me (for the worse) and that she finds it “disgusting” that I would stop him coming for a “lovely” family dinner. When DH tried to defend me she got her other son to message him which culminated in him calling me the c word multiple times and DH having to block him. I now really want nothing to do with MIL and really feel she is a horrible self centred individual who I don’t really want around my kids. DH is very very close to her so he’s worried about damaging his relationship with her. AIBU?

Your DH is nothing but a shit-stirrer.

It's one thing to occasionally go and vent your marital problems to your family, but it's another to go and tell them everything that happens then come back and tell you that everything that they have said in response.

They don't like you because he is there every 5 minutes telling them how awful you are, he will also be telling them that you are the one responsible for keeping the kids away, why on earth do you think you have a MIL problem? It's blatently obvious you have a DH problem.. sounds like he thrives on the drama.

You've bought into her manipulation. You drank her koolaid.

Your children's emotional wellbeing comes first above this nonsense.

The problem is your DH. Why would he want a relationship with someone who treats you badly? He needs to grow a pair and stand up to his mother.

I would buy him the book 'Adult sons of narcissistic mothers'. I think you'd both find it illuminating. It helped my partner to put down boundaries and learn about just how damaging his mother is. I remember hearing the phrase that narcissists are as powerful as what you dont know. It's so true!

It's by Jason Wayne

No more wrap around care. Tell him he can go over with the kids but she needs to be supervised. Then grey rock the whole situation. Special occasions will be spent with your family and he can visit her separately. Setting boundaries is not being controlling.

Yeah, your MIL is a narcissistic witch and your DP is pathetic and she has him by his balls. His brother is also a piece of work. If I was your DP both of them would be cut out of our lives.

You and the kids should be his family now and his priority.

I’m thinking you are no way as disillusioned as you make out.

You use her for free childcare. Your dh reports back and forth between you both. His brother calls you a cunt. Sorry, your story does not hold up.

You’re most definitely obsessed with drama. Your dh has no loyalty. Your mil may be right on this occasion!

You have a DH issue as well as a MIL one. My ex MIL was like this. I wasn't 'good enough' for her son etc etc etc. it culminated in a massive row when she refused to let me take toddler ds out of her house (yes, you're reading that correctly ) and then DH refused to cut contact with her. I was divorced by the time ds was 2 as she couldn't hide her behaviour after that. He doesn't need to go and see her when you have an argument, both of you discuss things as adults and don't continue to feed into the whole stupidity of it. He's either married to you and grows a backbone or he sorts out some kind of relationship with his mum without this toxic behaviour. If that fails you'll end up losing your marriage as it's no way for a husband to behave.

My partners mum was an absolute c*nt to me once. Once was all it took, my son hasn't seen her since. You have every right as your dcs mother to stop them seeing someone who treats you that way.

Also, agree with others about your dh.

Your dh does not have to tell her every detail of your arguments. I honestly don't argue with my dh very much but I wouldn't appreciate if his mum knew all details of our arguments (and I'd show him the same respect by not telling my parents everything either.)
He probably enjoys that he can go whinging about you to his mum and she will always be on his side. He has a part to play in this.
He also told you early on that his mum didn't like you, which was unusual for her. Something you later realised isn't true. What was his reason to tell you that? Most people would hide that from a partner, not rub it in.
It's good that he stood up for you about this dinner but honestly reading your post I think your dh might like the drama.

You're making far too many excuses for your husband. His mother sounds awful, but it doesn't sound like he makes much effort to try and change her mind.

Your MIL is a Narcissist who is controlling everyone in the family. She has made you the scapegoat, everything is your fault. Your BIL is her flying monkey, believing everything she says and doing her dirty work for her, messaging your DH and calling you names. There is a toxic family dynamic. Your husband needs to find his balls and stand up to her . It may not be that he is ‘close’ to her, he has likely been controlled and dominated by her his whole life and has not learnt how to self differentiate from his family , neither has your BIL by the sound of it. Your DH is not answerable to her and neither are you but in narcissistic families everyone tends to pivot around the narc. Stop explaining yourself to her. Don’t let her interfere, tell her it’s none of her business. Tell your DH you will not tolerate her behaviour towards you and you expect him to shut this down. Set some boundaries . I think you’re right to go low/no contact and keep your kids away from the toxicity. Your DH needs to stand up for you and not allow her to interfere and demean you. You want a man not a mummy’s boy.

This sounds utter shite OP. Sorry you are going through all this.
FWIW, I would drop the rope with her. Who wants to hang around people like that? I would go NC with the lot of them. They can’t complain about it as they’ve been excluding you from their shitty little enmeshed lives anyway.
Just calmly repeat that you are not going to be treated poorly so won’t engage with them. It’s up to DH to arrange the childcare and collect himself etc.
if it’s normally you that does the childcare pick ups then they’ll have to use another provider. This means they won’t be able to say they are keeping the children from them. (I personally don’t think the kids should have anything to do with them but that’s Definately a step too far for DH to comprehend) he’s just behaving how he has always behaved and how she’s bought them all up to circle around her.
Family celebrations should be just the four of you so you’re not alone.
you can’t control what other people do only your reaction to their actions so try and remember this.
its a shame you are so near to them as this is all so much easier to navigate if you’re not near.

You have asked your DH not to divulge your disagreements.
His mother is asking him to do the opposite.
He does what his mum wants.
He is choosing her wants and desires over yours.
He blames his mum when he is with you. He probably blames you when he is with her.
Has he ever blamed his mum for tightening the screws to get him to open up when you are present? Mentioned in front of her that he doesn't want to discuss your issues, but she won't let up?
I'll bet my last dime he hasn't.

Ask yourself this OP.
Could you feel loving towards someone who was making your DH extremely unhappy?
Could you perpetuate the situation by feeding that person negative shit about your DH?

You seem to want to prove to MIL that you are not this unreasonable spiteful person, that you don't want to give her a reason to think you are deserving of the way she goes off on one about or at you? Why bother? Who cares what MIL thinks?
You will never ever control what she thinks, of you, of him, of your DC, of anything!!
Let her think whatever she chooses to think.
Focus on you, what you think, what you want, what you feel.

She's got a very enmeshed relationship with both of her sons. Neither sons sound like they can formulate their own opinions.

I really don't understand how you can feel loving feelings towards such a weak man, so weak that he can't or wont stand by you. You must feel so lonely in your marriage.
I couldn't trust a man like that. I'd be on tenterhooks every time I opened my mouth in case he repeated my words to the people who dont like me.

I honestly have no idea how you ever married a man like that? Runs to mommy telling tales, puts his abusive mother before his wife, lies about why you weren't invited place early on in the relationship.

If my MIL said a bad word about me, the mother of her grandchildren, it'd be the last time she spoke to my DH.... By his choice. His sister was being a complete bitch to and about me when I was pregnant a few years back and he completely cut her off telling her exactly why. I never asked him to but I did thank him. They have since reconnected following a family emergency but it's a very strained relationship and as far as we are aware she hasn't had any negative remarks about me since.

I find it absolutely bizarre that your DH wants your children to spend time alone with a woman who is so abusive about their mother?

She sounds awful, but DH sounds worse. You and her have hardly interacted, her entire impression of you is based off things he's said, your impression of her is also based off him telling tales in great detail.

Stop talking to DH about her, don't give him the satisfaction of running between you getting a pat on the head for siding with either of you in a situation he has created.

And stop buying her presents from the kids or family that is your husband's job to organise.

I would be off and moving away to another area far away from the pair of them. Start saving for your new home as you'll be needing one soon enough.

He should never had told her anything of your arguments! It gave her ammo. Arguments are private.
She sounds... unhinged and the brother childish.

Sorry OP but your DH sounds like a drip, he shouldn't be telling his mother the ins and outs of your arguments (how often is this happening?) and he should be more concerned about maintaining his relationship with you than with his toxic mother.

If I were you I would make other childcare arrangements, have no contact with her whatsoever and let your DH sort out presents from the children etc. Tell him from now on his relationship with his mother is his business and you want no part in it and you don't want to know anything she has to say about you either. His family sound vile, have nothing to do with them.

You knew from the beginning of the relationship that there was an issue and yet you carried on.
The whole situation is toxic.
You married a mummys boy, and he showed you that from the beginning.
Unfortunately its either leave him or suck it up.

You have a DH issue. But you also have a you issue. You walked onto this situation with plenty of warning and now you are involving your kids in this shit show.

Close? He is enmeshed, as is the other brother.

You know none of this is normal @Sunshine231 your DH has an unaddressed Mummy problem and she needs to control everyone so unless you start to dance to her tune there is simply no other way. Wouldn’t it be far easier to just go along with everything she wants you to do? That is the only answer unless you start to recognise that is what your DH does and address it inside your marriage instead.