AIBU to hate my mother-in-law after this?

[Sunshine231]

AIBU to hate my mother in law? She has always been fairly unpleasant to me and made it quite clear she does not like me. Early in the relationship my partner told me as much and that it was apparently out of character for her to not like anyone (something I later discovered to be untrue). She interferes with our relationship constantly, basically forcing DH to tell her every minor detail of our arguments but if I ever try to defend my side she says I am an awful person for “causing her stress”. Anyway I try to have as little to do with her as possible: I am civil and always make sure she has a gift from the kids on special occasions but that’s it. This weekend she arranged a “family” dinner and invited my husband and the kids but not me. DH and I decided together that they would not go and he politely declined. MIL then sent him a string of messages saying that I am coercing him and isolating him from his family. That he’s changed since meeting me (for the worse) and that she finds it “disgusting” that I would stop him coming for a “lovely” family dinner. When DH tried to defend me she got her other son to message him which culminated in him calling me the c word multiple times and DH having to block him. I now really want nothing to do with MIL and really feel she is a horrible self centred individual who I don’t really want around my kids. DH is very very close to her so he’s worried about damaging his relationship with her. AIBU?

Why are you so bothered about this cunty woman thinking your controlling? protect your kids and your emotional and mental health.
cut her off from your kids and let your weak ass DH do what he wants.

I’d still put the kids in wraparound and let Dh take them over to see the nutjob sorry, MIL, at the weekend. That way you don’t have to hear about so much of her utter crap @Sunshine231 she’s just awful and you just need to let them get on with it. You know what she says is just not true. Make sure you’re not reliant and not stopping stuff at other times and leave them to it. I bet you will feel loads better.

You definitely need to read up on narcissistic mothers and flying monkeys. It sounds to me like whatever you do you cannot win, so stop playing the game. Stop getting her to look after the child. Write a letter to all of them, your mil, your brother in law and your husband. Tell them you need to be respected as the mother of your children and the wife of your husband. Lay out in the letter what happened.... Your mil invited your family but excluded you from a family meal.....

You and your husband made a joint decision to decline the invitation.
You mil then sent texts accusing you of being coercive etc.

Your BIL angry at your declining the invitation abused you on the phone calling you a c##t.....

So this is a problem your mil and your bil have created, and its down to them and your husband to fix it. If they dont then simples......
.. You dont want your children exposed to this level of toxicity nor this level of disrespect to you as their mother.

Lay out your boundaries of what you are prepared to accept, you expect civility, inclusion, pleasantness, freedom from gossip and abuse. This is a one time only offer and opportunity. Any failure on their part will destroy the relationship, is that what they want, their choice....... You decide what you will tolerate regardless and in spite of what they say about you. This includes your husband. You can do this without his agreement, you are the mother of the children. Either he will wake up and smell the coffee or he wont but at least you will know where you are...

Send the letter to all of your husbands siblings and mil. if you can get your husband to do the letter with you and sign it, then good. You can email it but just make sure they cannot say they didnt get it.

Lets just say i am no stranger to toxic MIL situation. You cannot fix mil or bil or your husband. Imagine when your mil starts to behave like this with your kids......
This ridiculous course of events surely is enough to get your husband to realise the damage they are causing and his role in it. He needs counselling as he has probably grown up with this drama and brainwashing. You were puzzled by his comment that it is unusual for his mum to not like people... He has likely grown up listening to her telling him that, the "scales are over his eyes"
Im very sorry you are dealing with this. Its all such unnecessary suffering.

30 years ago I would have got huffy and annoyed at my DH for not sorting this out. Now (in my 60s) I would just say okay dokes, and enjoy every afternoon to myself that came from not being invited. What a great result - your dh goes with your kids, and you put your feet up. Or read. Or go to the gym. Or see friends. You can make him feel guilty whilst having a blast.

I'm really surprised by how many people say they would cut off their mother or brother in a heartbeat if they did this. I love my mother and brother very much and it would take a lot for me to cut them off - I can't even imagine it, it would have to be something really bad like discovering they were a paedophile or something.
I agree it sounds like DH is stirring the pot from OP's description, but I can definitely see why he's not jumping to cut them off. They excluded OP, they didn't punch her in the face.

Sorry but he cannot be so naïve that he doesn't realise she is manipulating him when she pretends to be ill to get him to tell her what disagreements you've had and purposefully bans you from dinners for the family. Absolutely no way would my child be allowed around someone actively badmouthing me - stop worrying what she says as she hates you anyway and always will from the sounds of it.

Your DH is the problem here. I can see why you think it's controlling for you to put your footdown and tell him to choose, but that's because you shouldn't need to put your footdown. Your MiL bad mouthing the woman he supposedly loves who is the mother of his children should make your DH want to put his foot down and tell her where to get off or not see her so much.

On the childcare front - If she's bad mouthing you to family I would not want my kids around her, especially not unsupervised. Who knows what she says to them when neither you nor DH are there. I don't think this is the most important thing yet, but I would be asking at their nursery if there are places available and and suggesting to DH that you get things organized to stop relying on her. She's already threatened once not to pick them up. If DH starts acting like a man who loves you and not a codependent mummy's boy, she may well carry that threat through.

Are you really going to stay in a marriage where your husband is basically having his mother as a second wife? She does it because she can and wants to show you that she's got the bigger arm. And your DH is a tool in her power play. You can't need the little favour of childcare so badly that you basically roll over and let her destroy you, your marriage and teach your children that this is how adults behave. Pack your husband's bags, tell him you love him and that he can come back when and if he decides to be a husband and a father instead of Mummy's toy of terror. He knows what he is doing. Probably enjoys that he is important enough that wifey and mummy fight over his sorry arse and little cotton socks. Time to grow a pair. Don't take this rubbish. You know that this is one messed up situation. A decade of therapy and there would be still stuff to be discussed. You wouldn't let your children be bullied at school. So why do you take this from the man that is supposed to love and to cherish you. They got into your head already seeing how you try to excuse your husband's awful behaviour. Stop it. There isn't a reason that justifies him getting his nappy changed by his mummy. I thought my mother in law is batpoo crazy. But yours is definitely topping it. But you can change this. You putting your foot down will not cause her medical problems. Being a nasty human though will sure deliver nothing but aful things in return. Be calm. Take the high road and show your children how decent human beings behave. And that nobody is allowed to treat their Mama like a pitiful doormat!

You don't seem to want a solution, OP.

• tell DH he needs to deal with MIL on the day of the week she has the kids after school.
• tell DH he needs to sort birthday/Christmas presents for MIL from now on
• tell DH your kids will be at home with you on special occasion, not at MILs

The only way to save your sanity (and your marriage) from a MIL like this is to cut her off. Your DH needs to see the light and realise how she has spent his whole life controlling and manipulating him. He won't see it because she's done a number on him and his brother.

If your DH doesn't come round, your marriage may not survive.

Keep your children away from her toxicity - find alternative childcare.

I had a MIL exactly like her. We cut her off. It took years for my DH to realise what she was really like. Having her in our lives was sheer hell for me and seriously impacted on my mental health. People like that get off on destroying others.

You also have a husband problem ! A good husband would tell her to stop or risk not having contact with him or the grandkids again . It should have been done years ago . He keeps pandering to her and that is why she keeps the abuse going . Do not put your kids through that . Cut all contact

I think he may be using her as an excuse
to slag you off when he’s feeling pissed off with you as he knows she’ll always support him. If what he says IS true, why does he always go there? And why does he stay if she relentlessly quizzes him about it? He says she won’t let him leave? WTF does she do? Manhandle his keys out his hands? Steal his shoes? It’s bollocks.

First, he needs to stop going there straight after arguments with you. Where is his primary loyalty?

Second , if he can’t face withdrawal from his mother then he need to physically leave as soon as she starts this up. Every time. She’ll soon learn not to harass him if she wants her precious son to stay in her home.

It’s good that he’s supporting you with you not being invited, but in the other significant areas it doesn’t sound like he is. He needs to instill boundaries with his family. Not cut them off necessarily, but make it clear what will and won’t be tolerated. It sounds like he may be making a start, which is positive, if a little late.

Sorry, but we all know if someone doesn’t like our spouse you don’t tell them about arguments. He’s acting like he’s a kid and you’re saying he can’t help it, she doesn’t let him - you’re acting like he’s a kid too.

OP there are several issues at hand here. Namely:-

• your DH has been groomed and manipulated since he was a child by his mother. He likely lacks the skills to manage this or even to recognise this. That doesn’t make it ok or excusable but it is a fact.
• you are very much accepting of this dreadful behaviour and don’t seem to have much sense of worth and should have stood up for yourself a long time ago.
• you seem to naively think that she will recognise how terrible she has been behaving and change/repent/apologise. Right now she has all the power and control and people like this will never give that up.

You and your DH need to have counselling both together and separately. No one in your home is happy.

If you don’t make changes now there is every chance that this toxic situation will further turn your DH and in the future your children against you. If things don’t change immediately then you will lose everything. Also don’t discount the resentment that is building and that will crash down like an avalanche one day when you snap.

Well he needs to put his big boy pants on and control his moods. He needs to be able to learn how to cool off after an argument and not go running straight to mummy’s house when he’s angry.

I think your MIL sounds horrific and I wouldn’t engage with her ever again, but your husband isn’t helping matters.

Your husband sounds pathetic

This is madness. Your husband doesn't need to tell her when you've had a row, it's all way too involved with her for no reason at all. He needs to cut the apron strings, pronto.

And also, how may rows do you have that she's always able to detect them! Maybe row less?

Your MIL is an awful, narcissistic, emotionally abusive woman, unless there is some massive back story here.

Your DH has likely been emotionally abused and manipulated all his life by this witch woman. He needs therapy. Your focus should be on him, not her.
Stop the childcare situation immediately. The less your DC have to do with her, the better.

in 30 plus years of marriage my dh has never once talked to his mother or siblings about a row we've had and neither have I. Something is off here. How come your MIL and your BIL both despise you to the point that you are not invited to family meals? It seems to be because your dh is talking to them about you.

Now you say that he is tortured to tell them but seriously? She says "what's wrong son is your wife being mean to you again?" and he says "don't be silly I'm fine". She says "my pancreas will fall out if you don't tell me how mean your wife is" and he says" I'm off now mum have a lovely evening" How hard can it be?? He is badmouthing you to them. No idea why you think your children should spend time with people who despise you.

What you want clearly isn't going to happen. You have no control over her behaviour.
You have a DH problem here. He needs therapy in order to see how completely abormal her behaviour is. Will he put his wife and DC first or his mother?

@Sunshine231
Why is your husband "so close" to her when she's obviously a vicious warped would/wanna be queen bee?
You need his loyalty
You married him not her and if anything SHES the pure c word in this scenario
He has to stand up to her and defend you and as for the brother well he's a brainwashed mummys boy of a cretin ain't he?
Hate to say but you should really really really cut all ties and your husband grow a pair, How on earth did you meet him
Was it the one day she let him out by himself?
That womans a monster
And will if given the chance turn your children against you
So if YOU don't ever go
They don't get to go anywhere near her either
As she'll poison them against you for sure
Demand hubby does right by you now
He's been poisoned whilst been dominated for years and don't know it
Time he did now

She is a shit stirring nasty bitch who wants to wreck your marriage. All of you need to go NC for good. Nothing will change she has showed you that.

I think you’re missing out some key elements here. Why would both the MIL AND your BIL be so hostile without any reason whatsoever? What is the backstory? What reason has been given?