AIBU to hate my mother-in-law after this?

[Sunshine231]

AIBU to hate my mother in law? She has always been fairly unpleasant to me and made it quite clear she does not like me. Early in the relationship my partner told me as much and that it was apparently out of character for her to not like anyone (something I later discovered to be untrue). She interferes with our relationship constantly, basically forcing DH to tell her every minor detail of our arguments but if I ever try to defend my side she says I am an awful person for “causing her stress”. Anyway I try to have as little to do with her as possible: I am civil and always make sure she has a gift from the kids on special occasions but that’s it. This weekend she arranged a “family” dinner and invited my husband and the kids but not me. DH and I decided together that they would not go and he politely declined. MIL then sent him a string of messages saying that I am coercing him and isolating him from his family. That he’s changed since meeting me (for the worse) and that she finds it “disgusting” that I would stop him coming for a “lovely” family dinner. When DH tried to defend me she got her other son to message him which culminated in him calling me the c word multiple times and DH having to block him. I now really want nothing to do with MIL and really feel she is a horrible self centred individual who I don’t really want around my kids. DH is very very close to her so he’s worried about damaging his relationship with her. AIBU?

Your mil sounds like a nasty piece of work. I would be more angry with your DH though. Even if he is still in contact with her your relationship is none of her business and he shouldn't discuss it with her. Also, it sounds like he sits back and does nothing to defend you whilst she calls you all the names under the sun. He should have your back and he is enabling her to be vile to you. He needs to grow a pair and stand up to her.

How she is gonna stop him leaving? Barricade the door? He needs to sort his shit out and fuck her off!

He will lose his family, you and kids if he keeps allowing that bitch into your lives. Time to cut the cord with him, if he won't with her! I would not put up with that shit ever!

Early in the relationship my partner told me as much and that it was apparently out of character for her to not like anyone

You should have run a mile from this man at this point. Think hard about what does he gain from telling you things like this. DH is just as nasty as his mother but you can't see it but I hope you do soon, if only to protect your children from such toxicity.

Based on what you’ve said though, it sounds to me like your DH is lying to you about the extent of what he actually tells his mum about his relationship with you and then she’s taking whatever he says and twisting & exaggerating it in her mind to be all your fault and/or to be FAR worse than it really is. Eg: “I’m waiting for Jane to get home from work as she accidentally took my keys this morning” becomes “That bitch has locked my son out of his own house!”

My DM is def not this bad but is very much the type to believe whatever my brother tells her about his relationships (even though he’s a known pathological liar) and as a result, she’s called every single girlfriend he’s ever had, a “bitch” etc. DM always finds a way to find whatever my brother does wrong, to either be excused or be someone else’s fault. Even if there was camera footage of him doing something, I imagine she would find an excuse.

Divorce the dickhead and move far away wih your kids. Stop making excuses for both of them. Fuck him and fuck them all.

He needs to stop running to mummy every time he doesn’t get his way and learn to resolve his issues like a big boy.

Im sorry but I read through your whole message and your biggest issue isn’t your mil it’s that your husband remains so close to someone who is so vile to his wife! Yes I get that’s his mother and there’s one thing for him not to completely cut her off but a whole other issue to actually be close to someone who treats his own wife like that! Like how does that even work? “your wife is isolating you and a terrible person.” Yet calls her up and caries on conversation with her like she didn’t just highly insult his own wife?

the family dinner thing is so easy all your husband needed to say to your mil was, “mom you can’t call it a family dinner when my whole immediate family isn’t invited.” And, “mom how are you going to sit there and say my wife is isolating me from my family when you are doing the exact same thing by isolating my wife from me.”

The argument part also stuck out to me because I wouldn’t tolerate my husband telling his mother about any of our arguments let alone every detail. At the very LEAST that’s an immediate couples counseling sign up and at the MOST divorce worthy.

You time and energy is absorbed with worrying about what MIL thinks about you, hating her evil manipulation and then feeling guilty about it.

Your life would almost be easier if he lived with her and came to visit you and the DC. There are three of you in your marriage and it’s creepy. I don’t know how you can tolerate it.
He has proven repeatedly that his allegiance is to her not to you.
He was never really free from her enough to commit to you in marriage in the first place, let alone raise a family with you. She is far too dominant and he is incredibly weak for constantly caving in and not showing her where his priorities lie.
The onus is on him to find the backbone to do that.

You shouldn’t really be excusing his attachment in the way that you do OP.
It isn’t normal or in any way acceptable, for him to give in to her demands for details of your private life. Yes he loves his mum and family like most good men love their mums and families but he can love her and not have this problem, if only he would grow up and let her know that he won’t tolerate such inappropriate interference from her in his marriage.

After this latest vile name calling from BIL, you have a perfect excuse now, to show him how to lay the law down with her.
You do that by laying the law down with him. You need to see his ‘love for his family’ as a weakness in him and as the cover up betrayal it actually is.
Get angry and stand up for yourself and your children. Insist he makes changes.

If he can’t show her a united front with you, the love of his life, rather than with her, then you have a sham of a marriage. You deserve better than that OP.

No it’s not Nina for a grown ass man to go crying to mommy when him and his wife have an argument. Make no mistake. I wouldn’t tolerate my husband even telling his mommy we had an argument let alone going to her house and giving every detail. If that happened once we would be going straight to marital counseling and if it happened twice most likely we would be discussing divorce.Bc my thing is what does he hold to gain by doing that? Validation? Mommy saying you know what my awesome baby boy you are right and your wife is evil? Ammo to use against your wife the next time you argue? Well mommy agrees with me so…?

What the hell? She is actively trying to get her son to bash his own wife excluding her as the only immediate family member of her son’s family. This is bullying behavior and someone doesn’t need to murder someone or be a pedophile to be cut off. That’s ridiculous! They are a family unit as husband and wife and if you want to invite the husband and especially my children then as the wife and mother I am part of the package deal. How is any of this acceptable??

This ^^
Send him back to her
It won't change @Sunshine231.

But she’s making those accusations about you now when you are allowing access so it doesn’t really matter either way, does it? No matter what you say she’s still going to be vile about you.

The thing that worries me OP is that she’ll try and poison your DC against you. And as they get older if you have an argument with them, they could start to believe her. Those malicious whispers in their ear will have an impact, even if you don’t see it at first.

I think you’re on risky ground allowing your DC to have full access to her. Your DH can see her as much as he wants. But if it’s “so important” to him that your DC have a good relationship with his mum, then it’s on him to stop her slagging you off and being so spiteful. If he’s not able to rein in her behaviour then the DC don’t visit her. Simple. The issue here is your DH not stepping up and him allowing his family to badmouth you.

Either way, stop the wraparound care now. It’s currently just another thing to beat you with and you don’t want her to have that kind of hold over you.

It won’t be easy OP but I really think you need to value yourself more. You shouldn’t have to put your own feelings aside to let your DC spend time with someone who will badmouth you to them. You matter too. And although your DC might like her, part of your job is to protect them from malicious influences - and that means keeping them away from her. She’s done a number on your DH - don’t put your DC in the same position.

You don’t seem to be heeding any of the comments regarding your husband and how he needs to be prioritising you.
Nothing will change if he doesn’t make it happen.
How you are being treated is disgraceful.

Your husband sounds quite dreadful, really pathetic of him to allow this nonsense and engage in the drama llama triangle nonsense.

I mean, obviously she never gets to speak to you or your children, ever again. That's the obvious and only solution.

And it must be hard for your husband crawling around without a spine, so you'll just have to fortify yours.

He sounds like a wet wipe

But he is complicit

Well, what a catch you've got there, you knew from the start what she, and he, were like and you thought it a good idea to bring kids into it.
Time to accept it was a bad call and get you, and your kids out of it, because they won't change, and really consider your worth in any future relationships, especially for the sake of your children.

Your husband has convinced you that his behaviour is ok and that he needs to indulge his mum. This situation is wrong and unhealthy and will worsen as his mum gets older and more needy.

I would be having strong worlds and laying down ultimatums about your marriage. If he didn’t prioritise me, I would be gone. It’s such offensive behaviour from the pair of them. Your husband is not innocent here.

By your account she does sound pretty awful. I wonder what her side of the story would be.

Stop her looking after your kids. She's toxic and wouldn't be around my kids. Your husband needs to grow a backbone

Why is he running there after an argument?

How often do you argue?

It sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree. Your husband is a nasty piece of work to tell you his mother doesn't like you and to lie and say that's out of character for her.

What would your financial situation be if you separated?

Your DH is a problem here. He needs to grow up and start to take responsibility for what’s going on around him and in his relationships. Yes, his mum is a toxic person (and his brother is probably the same) but it’s still on your DH how his family treats his partner.
He needs therapy to work out what his priorities and boundaries are. In the meantime I wouldn’t use MIL for childcare. She definitely poisons children against you and generally she doesn’t sound as a healthy person to be around.

I have a relative similar to your DH, he is divorced now and lives with his mum.