AIBU to want a fairer split of house and savings?

[Sunflowersrock]

I’ve been married to my DH for 18 years. He is the higher earner and I went part-time when our son was born in 2011 - it worked for both of us. I have contributed a salary which equates to 20% of his every month for 18 years, even through maternity and last year through breast Ca and treatment. When we bought our house he wanted us to be “tenants in common” and he split the house 80% him to recognise his bigger deposit and 20% me. The house value has doubled in 18 years. He is 65 and I am 57. With his consent and encouragement we maxed out the ISA savings each. I have a good amount of money which is equal to his but he says his ISA is his inheritance. He has a final salary pension worth more than our house. I also have a pension but a small one. He also has shares and other savings. He has a son from a previous relationship which he rightly wants to protect in our Wills which we are trying to write. We also have a 14 year old son together. I received a big critical illness payout last year after my diagnosis and he always used to moan about paying the monthly payments for it. It’s was £56/month but I stuck to my guns as the policy had been mine since before I met him. He says that as it was paid from the joint account that he could say some of that payout is his.
Ive been the main child carer and household organiser and I’m careful with money as I never forget he earns more than me.

The sticking points are:

1: I feel I should have a bigger share in the house now and the maths suggests a 35/65 split taking into account its growth in value

2: He wants me to pay him back 50% of my ISA as he says it was taken from the joint account and as he earns more than me it’s his half! He says I’m stopping him leaving money to his son. He has way more available funds than me that could be left to his son so why does he also want half my ISA?

Any thoughts would be gratefully received.

Sorry but I’m not understanding why you are still married to someone so abusive? Why would you even be thinking about wills rather than divorce? See a solicitor, get what you deserve - which will include half the pensions and house you both accrued together - leave this utterly vile man and bd happy for the first time in decades.

It’s not been the happiest since his affair as there was never any closure and he wouldn’t discuss it and couple counselling was a disaster. I’m holding on to that ISA

the will to include his kid isn’t relevant to you if you divorce, which you should. Once he has his 50% of all your joint assets and debts, and you have the other 50, he can decide how he likes how to split his 50 between his sons. You only have yours to think about.

I’m starting to wonder the same thing. He tells me he loves me but then wants half my isa back. My dad also died on 23rd Feb. I’ve had a really shit 12 months. I don’t want this argument about money

He knows your vulnerable so he is trying to bully you into giving him half your ISA, I hope you take him to the cleaners @Sunflowersrock

Op, absolutely nothing you have written about him suggests even a slither of love, or anything near.

I’m sorry about your dad.

Divorce him and you'll get half of everything including the house and his pension

You could see a mediator. But all of the house and pensions and ISA pots will be 5050 if you divorce him

Oh wow, he’s has an affair. Definitely hold onto the ISA, his money or not. Justify it in your mind - if you need to - as payment for putting up with him.

What an a.hole. Could he be at it again? So, he’s getting his ducks in a row incase you split? Who suggested getting the Wills done? As tenants in common mortgage, would you get 50% of the house if you divorced? You might want to get your own ducks in a row, keep as much as you can. He sounds fishy!

I am not a lawyer so may well be talking rubbish, but given you’re married l, it doesn’t matter what money is where, you’d walk away if a rough 50% split no? Including pensions and ISAs. If you weren’t married, I’d worry for you but if you are, in theory you will be financially protected.

It does sound like he is lining up to file for divorce so I wouldn’t hand over anything anyway, irrespective on the financial hypotheticals in the event of a split.

Divorce him and take every last penny you are entitled to..

Tough shit. He's an absolute arsehole.

Yes, my DS was at school but I was there to see him off and there when he got home as well as doing 100% of the shopping, cleaning, cooking and working 3 days a week. He supported me working part time by allowing me to “share” his salary and he also was able to fully contribute to his pension. I took a hit.

Get a lawyer and divorce him now, he's greedy, he's a cheat and he's shown you clearly who he is.

I wanted to revisit the Wills when I was diagnosed last year. They were made 18 years ago when we married. The house was bought as “tenants in common” with me having a 20% share and him 80% but it’s doubled in value. We paid the mortgage off early with any spare funds we had. The tenants in common was meant to have a signed “deed of trust” but the solicitors can’t find it!! He wants to re-do the deed of trust so that I have a 34% share as he feels that’s “fair”. I’m not so sure…

You can’t trust him to be faithful and you can’t trust him to look after you financially.

As they say ‘if you don’t have trust, then you don’t have anything’.

I’m sorry you are living with this OP. It’s so hurtful of him.

Get down to a family solicitor right away! Do not discuss this with your OH. Protect yourself. He's trying to white wash you. He thinks he's clever. Please don't fall for it. You deserve every penny you can get. He doesn't love you, you know that.

The solicitor can't find a deed of trust and your H wants you to sign another one. He's hilarious.

He’s desperate for us to sign a new deed of trust! Desperate! I’ve refused to do this. That in itself has made him very grumpy, never mind the ISA debate 🙄. I’ve remained calm throughout all attempts at discussing these topics. I will make contact with a solicitor tomorrow.

If you start divorce proceedings then financial order always start at 50/50 over ALL marital assets including property, savings and pension pots. Particularly in a long marriage where there are also dependant children.
Don't transfer any money back to him.
Within marriage youre supposed to be a team - this also means financially.
(Your large critical illness payment is also part of the financial 'pot' though.)
If you do divorce please dont accept less than 50/50 of every and please ensure you get a decent child maintenance payment (separately from the assets!).