AIBU to want a fairer split of house and savings?

[Sunflowersrock]

I’ve been married to my DH for 18 years. He is the higher earner and I went part-time when our son was born in 2011 - it worked for both of us. I have contributed a salary which equates to 20% of his every month for 18 years, even through maternity and last year through breast Ca and treatment. When we bought our house he wanted us to be “tenants in common” and he split the house 80% him to recognise his bigger deposit and 20% me. The house value has doubled in 18 years. He is 65 and I am 57. With his consent and encouragement we maxed out the ISA savings each. I have a good amount of money which is equal to his but he says his ISA is his inheritance. He has a final salary pension worth more than our house. I also have a pension but a small one. He also has shares and other savings. He has a son from a previous relationship which he rightly wants to protect in our Wills which we are trying to write. We also have a 14 year old son together. I received a big critical illness payout last year after my diagnosis and he always used to moan about paying the monthly payments for it. It’s was £56/month but I stuck to my guns as the policy had been mine since before I met him. He says that as it was paid from the joint account that he could say some of that payout is his.
Ive been the main child carer and household organiser and I’m careful with money as I never forget he earns more than me.

The sticking points are:

1: I feel I should have a bigger share in the house now and the maths suggests a 35/65 split taking into account its growth in value

2: He wants me to pay him back 50% of my ISA as he says it was taken from the joint account and as he earns more than me it’s his half! He says I’m stopping him leaving money to his son. He has way more available funds than me that could be left to his son so why does he also want half my ISA?

Any thoughts would be gratefully received.

OP already said she had a recent critical illness payout. Potentially a life-limiting illness. It seems like poor advice in that context.

Apologies I missed that bit. I didn't realise there were health implications

Calculate how much a nanny would have cost for all the years you have been raising your ds. Then calculate how much a housekeeping would have cost for the time you have been undertaking those tasks. Divide the figure by 2, that's how much he owes you for your contribution to your lives. How does it compare to the figure he is demanding from your isas?

That is difficult for you but he has already supported you to work part time for a long time, even though your child was school age for the majority of it. Even if he’s an arsehole, he isn’t obliged to financially support you forever, so providing for yourself has to be the most sensible option.

Lol, love if you're divorcing him then you no longer have to centre his happiness.

I can never understand this transactional wrangling, wealth built in a marriage is a team effort and each partner is entitled to 50%, regardless of history.

The inheritance thing is a red flag, everything should go to the surviving partner, except maybe a nominal sum or sentimental item.

MN is often too quick to the LTB advice but this time it seems justified. I suspect your husband won't face reality until a judge explains it in detail.

And you are entitled to a share of it because your pension took a hit whilst you were raising his children. This is one of the benefits of marriage.

50/50 nothing less

Your husband is an asshole.

Sorry OP but he's done a real number on you. He's abused your trust and is very controling, especially with your finances. Divorce him asap and get a really good solicitor. It will be worth the cost. Half his pension, half the total savings and half of the equity in the house for starters. He has no respect for you. Get out and get the settlement you are entitled to, not what he suggests. Go live a much better life without him. Good luck xx

Try to gather any evidence of his pension, earnings, savings, bank accounts etc. so that you have as much financial information that you can get your hands on. Book an appointment with a divorce solicitor to find out what you would be entitled to.

They will guide you through everything so you won't have to deal with him direct. It will be out of his hands, the law will take it's course.

Then find out what benefits you might be entitled to once you are living on your own with your child. Just take the first few steps by saying you want your own legal advice before drawing up wills. He can sulk all he likes, he is not the boss of you.

I also think he has one foot out the door and I'd be suspicious enough to do some digging.

Either he's suddenly realised his income is about to drop as he takes retirement and has had an arsehole and knee jerk reaction to feeling suddenly financially vulnerable; or he's lining up to divorce you. [might not be a bad thing to avoid having to look after him in his old age]

I'd continue to take a reasonable and nonchalant line of questioning. What is he concerned about? It's not unfair to worry you might prefer your joint child over his older one? Possibly they've been a flea in his ear about it? There's a huge age gap between the children. They may be concerned about waiting until you die to see any inheritance if at all, or concerned that they may need to look after their half sibling and be making enquiries about how the finances would work.

BUT, it is important to point out that if he were to die suddenly you will still have a 14 year old to get through school and university. He made a decision to have another child with one already mid teens. It would be different if the kids were closer in age but they are in very different places. So what is a fair way to ensure that you can look after your mutual son, and retire yourself in some degree of comfort while not disinheriting his oldest child?

Be neutral and objective - Play out some scenarios -
You die before your retirement
He dies within the next 10 years - your spousal pension would be only a small percentage of his current entitlement.
You both live together into your 70's and 80's and require some degree of care.
You both die within 5 years - child 2 is barely finished school.

If he is taking an unreasonable line on every avenue of exploration then he is a) financially abusive and probably always has been but the ISA thing suggests not or is b) planning an exit or c) developing demential - paranoia is one of the symptoms.

Tell him to STFU about giving him half your ISAs and cancer payout or you'll divorce him and get half the house and pension and half of his ISAs.

Then while he's gaping like a codfish go and see a solicitor and divorce him anyway.

Absolutely liberate yourself from this miserable controlling person! Take control yourself and do what’s best for you and enjoy life!

Sounds to me like having had an affair once, he's probably at it again, and is looking to get his hands on as much cash as possible, BEFORE you find out and kick his cheating arse to the kerb.

How can he claim to love or respect you when he's fighting you for money, at a time when you're not actually separating? Trust me OP, this IS NOT about your Will's, he's heading off into the sunset. So do as so many have advised, get financial advice, don't tell him what you're doing, just quietly get your ducks in a row, and then when you're ready, tell him you're divorcing him, and take everything you can get.

It wouldn't even make sense to take money out of your ISA where it is tax free and it it into an account in his name where it could be taxed. He's clearly not thinking about you as a couple.

Jesus get a solicitor.

You had cancer and his response was to fuck your best mate... what a prince...

Youll get 50% as a minimum likely more.

This man sounds revolting

As per previous posters. Move sweet FA out of the ISAs.on your name. It makes no financial sense unless ge wants to hide those assets before divorcing you.

He wants me to transfer £20k this year into his ISA and then the other £20k next year

The nice thing abiut divorcing him is you dont have to give a fuck what he wants or thinks 😁

He had the affair 5 years before my diagnosis

Divorce him, conniving arse....

That doesnt make it any better.
Its a very very scummy thing to do.

He encouraged you to save so that he could benefit from the tax-free allowance. He’s always thought it was his money you were using from the joint account. Which could be the case if he put more into the joint account than you, with the matched amount spent on bills etc..

Anyway, as you’re married all finances should belong to both of you. He should only be concerned if he dies first and his DS1 doesn’t receive his cut. Unless he wants to split-up?

Same. Are you just a business transaction to him? Hold onto that ISA, thank god it's in your name. Don't give this miser a penny. Fine to protect his 1st son, but not at your personal expense, sounds like he has more than enough. Are you in a happy marriage?

What a jerk. Please divorce him and take half the house and half his pension.