AIBU to want a fairer split of house and savings?

[Sunflowersrock]

I’ve been married to my DH for 18 years. He is the higher earner and I went part-time when our son was born in 2011 - it worked for both of us. I have contributed a salary which equates to 20% of his every month for 18 years, even through maternity and last year through breast Ca and treatment. When we bought our house he wanted us to be “tenants in common” and he split the house 80% him to recognise his bigger deposit and 20% me. The house value has doubled in 18 years. He is 65 and I am 57. With his consent and encouragement we maxed out the ISA savings each. I have a good amount of money which is equal to his but he says his ISA is his inheritance. He has a final salary pension worth more than our house. I also have a pension but a small one. He also has shares and other savings. He has a son from a previous relationship which he rightly wants to protect in our Wills which we are trying to write. We also have a 14 year old son together. I received a big critical illness payout last year after my diagnosis and he always used to moan about paying the monthly payments for it. It’s was £56/month but I stuck to my guns as the policy had been mine since before I met him. He says that as it was paid from the joint account that he could say some of that payout is his.
Ive been the main child carer and household organiser and I’m careful with money as I never forget he earns more than me.

The sticking points are:

1: I feel I should have a bigger share in the house now and the maths suggests a 35/65 split taking into account its growth in value

2: He wants me to pay him back 50% of my ISA as he says it was taken from the joint account and as he earns more than me it’s his half! He says I’m stopping him leaving money to his son. He has way more available funds than me that could be left to his son so why does he also want half my ISA?

Any thoughts would be gratefully received.

Legal advice - nobody on an anonymous forum can give you helpful advice - even lawyers need to see the actual figures

It doesn’t matter whether he’s happy about it, it’s your legal right. Your son is also a dependent so he would have to pay child maintenance for a few years too.

You need legal advice, quickly, him asking you to transfer ISA money is a red flag that he is planning to leave you.

If the surviving spouse had a lifetime interest in the house then they would be responsible for it until they die and then it would be passed on to the beneficiaries in the relevant proportion.

Next time he brings up your ISA, tell him to get fucked. It is yours, and it only belongs to him as much as the isas in his name belong to you. If he wants it split, he can pay for the divorce.

He sounds absolutley awful - all your assets should be shared 50/50 - you are married and supposed to be a team! If he didn't want this, then he shouldn't have married you - what does he think being married means? Then, and only then, is it fair that half of his assets are divided between both children in the event of his death.

Between this, his affair, and the fact that he seems to be trying to control you financially even further, I would divorce him. It would be the simplest way to protect yourself financially. It would either be that, or you would have to fight for your fair share after his death. But I couldn't be married to someone who thinks so little of me, and doesn't want me to be financially secure, so divorce seems the better option. And I don't say that lightly.

I kinda thought that he’s trying to con me out of the savings. I’m undervalued and I don’t think he has an ounce of respect for me. He’s sulking and giving me giving me the silent treatment just now as I told him I’m not transferring a penny until I have sdvice

Do you want to divorce? He had an affair with your best friend you must have stayed for a reason?

He’s trying to convince you that he holds all the cards. In fact, you would be far better off divorcing him. Actually you would be better off killing the cheating bastard but I believe that is frowned upon, even on here. 💐

Tough! You went part time to look after your child. It's 50/50 all the way. Do not hand over anything. As a pp said, he's done you up like a kipper.

On another note please go back to work full time. Maximise your earning potential while you have ten years of work left

He is financially controlling.

An 80/20 split makes sense in the early days, but not when you've been married as long as you have and have a child.

And as for trying to take 50% of your ISA and get you to pay back the payments for your critical illness insurance, words fail me.

He had an affair with your friend, he should be on his knees doing everything possible to make you happy. He isn't so that makes me wonder if he has one foot out the door.

Honestly, he is a selfish pig and you should divorce him.

He clearly values money over people.

The initial 80% deposit being his is fair but any increase in price since purchase should be 50/50.

Then there is the loss of your salary over the last 15 years give up to caring for your child. And what about housework ans cooking? Let me guess... you did most of that too? So 15 years of the majority of childcare plus cooking plus cleaning etc... that's at least half his pension that you are entitled to.

He sounds delightful.🤔😬

I’d get a shit hot lawyer all over that before you agree to a single thing. Do not, at any point, give him a single penny. Remember - he wouldn’t give you one.

He wouldnt have been able to earn "big" if you werent at home with his child. He wouldnt have been able to contribute to that pension if he had been the stay at home dad. He wouldnt have been able to build that ISA if he had to be the default parent.

He wouldnt have been able to achieve if you hadn't sacrificed. THATS YOUR CONTRIBUTION.

His want for you to give him money back is sounding like hes looking to reap and run.

Go see the solicitor and dont discuss anything with him until youve had independent advice. Dont feel guilty, he sounds like he would have you penniless in the street.

Tbf if he had an affair he probably values money over the OP.

Consult a solicitor and get divorced - that way everyone is sorted

I believe as you have a long marriage you have a claim on half the house and on his pension. You’ve given up full time work to have children. Talk to a family solicitor and get copies of every bit of paperwork you can.
I think he’s threatening half your ISA as he’s worried you’ll want half the house.

Get a really good solicitor and get your fair share in the divorce. He sounds horrible.

Don't do this.

Use the ISA money to get yourself a shit hot lawyer and divorce him. He sounds awful.

I find it strange he’s trying to get half your ISA whilst talking about writing wills and telling you most of the assets are his. It does sound like he’s he’s getting his ducks in a row @Sunflowersrock. I would get legal advice to find out if you divorced how much you would walk away with.
He has no respect for you, he had an affair with your best friend and trying to con you out of your ISA and giving you the silent treatment because you obeying his command.

And his pension. He 100% knows what you would get @Sunflowersrock in a financial settlement when divorcing. Strutting around like he has all the power and control. He knows he's fucked. Your CI payout is to support you to live and should be excluded from any divorce settlement.

Is he a policeman OP? As well as a cheating, scamming cunt obviously.

How much could he have earned if you'd not gone part time when you had a joint child?
How much would child care have cost?
How much would a cleaner have cost?

Why not? She is only 57, went part time 14 years ago, and might (hopefully not) be facing divorce. Financial independence is vital

if you divorce this husband you’re entitled to 50/50 split of your house. And 50% of savings and you’re entitled to go after a share of his pension pot.
I would speak to a solicitor. He sounds like he’s financially abusing you and now trying to ensure you don’t get what you’re entitled to as his wife of 18 years.

When we bought our house he wanted us to be “tenants in common” and he split the house 80% him to recognise his bigger deposit and 20% me

he's a charmer, isn't he 🙄

he has clearly never ever got the purpose of marriage is not to divi things out on the basis of who put what in. How mean and petty, and not when there's a child involved, whereby you've put your earning potential on the back burner.

as previously suggested, just sort the matter out by divorcing him, the courts will take a very different view of your finances. he really is a nasty piece of work and you deserve better, much better.

I get this. I do understand what you’re saying but I think I’d struggle with full time from a health perspective. I have rheumatoid arthritis and have a very active job (physio).

💯