AIBU to ask when I’ll be ready?

[Sunnycupboard]

I’m struggling to figure out whether I’m ready to start trying for a baby and I’d really appreciate honest experiences and advice. I am 28 in a few months, married for 4 years, and we own a home. My husband is 33. We’ve saved a bit for a baby, are paying off a car loan and like to travel 2–3 times a year (we’ve done lots of trips already).

We agreed I would come off contraception this summer, and I do like the idea of a spring/summer baby if it happened in the first few months. I think I’m just scared of everything changing. We travel quite a bit and I went on a girls trip with my friend last year and really enjoyed it and want to do that again next year and I suppose I think that I can’t do that as easily with a LO. Is this normal or just me being a bit selfish? I don’t get broody when I see babies or kids generally. Have I just got so used to married life on our own? I still feel quite young. I’d love for my grandparents to meet our children which makes me want to have them a bit earlier. I’m not exactly sure what I’m asking. Maybe just if you would recommend I stick with the plan and TTC or leave it a bit longer? The only thing is my husband thinks we might be kicking the can down the road and there will always be another trip to take, a wedding to go to and so on and so forth. If you were nervous and didn’t feel 100% ready but went ahead anyway, what was your experience?

I’m trying to figure out whether I’m just being cautious or if I genuinely might not be ready yet, and if you were the same but adapted easily. Thank you!

You know you don't have to have children? It sounds to me like you are thinking about it because it's the done thing, rather than because it's what you actually want.

There will always be another trip to take, another wedding but honestly you're still quite young. I got to 30 and suddenly just felt I had to have a baby! Is there any reason to be concerned about conceiving?

I can only speak from personal experience here, but I definitely didn't want a baby in my twenties. Was working, holidaying, just enjoying things.

Then suddenly at about 30 it hit like a hammer. I wanted a baby. Every time I saw a pregnant woman I had a twinge of envy. The urge itself was definitely not something I had to "weigh up". It was just there.

I'd say if you still have doubts, you're not ready. There's no rush and don't be pressured into thinking there is. One day you'll just feel ready, or maybe you won't and that's fine.

Yes, this has entered my mind a few times! I think I do though. I just feel like this summer is so close. It was only Christmas five minutes ago

It’s so funny isn’t it? I feel like on paper we are ready and actively making headway but the inner urge hasn’t hit just yet.

I'm childfree and in my forties, so can't relate.
Why do you want a kid? Like a PP wrote, it sounds like you'd have one because it's 'what you do'?

Edited as just saw you don't have an urge to have a child, that's fine. Enjoy life.

I think I do though = imo not ready

I never felt “ready”. I knew I definitely wanted kids at one point but never felt ready/time was right and in the end waited until I was 35, still didn’t feel “ready” but knew time was ticking so just went for it.

Wish we had started earlier when everything else was in place (jobs, house, financial security etc) but just missing this elusive “readiness”.

I am the same age as you and have also been married four years. I started having children straight after I got married and have recently had my second. I didn’t feel 100% ready but I’m not sure I ever would have. We had already been together for 6 years so had been able to enjoy child free time together. After we were married we moved into our first house and it felt like a good time, even though I was still quite young. I think it was a good time for me, but it might not be for you. Plenty of women don’t have children until their thirties, so you do have time to wait a bit longer if you want.

A child needs to be wanted for who they are and will become. As a parent you’ll give high amounts of time and energy into creating the best environment for that child, it’s something you ideally want to do because you want to do it, not because it’s the next step in life.

I didn’t want kids until I did and then it was something I wanted, not an obsession but a knowledge that I was ready to give the commitment to those children and wanted to do it. I couldn’t conceive and so adopted two kids, the best people in the world. It’s taken more than I could imagine to give them what they need and it is completely worth it. They’re young teens now and I’m back to holidays with friends and the social stuff that I still love, life doesn’t end with parenting but it does change.

You’re still young, I’d wait a while - you may find you really want to be a parent and other priorities fade, or you may find you don’t want kids. Either choice is fine, but sticking a hard timeline when you’re not quite there is a breeding ground for resentment.

I’d love for my grandparents to meet our children which makes me want to have them a bit earlier.

This is not a reason to have children when you aren’t ready or sure. I have (many) granddaughters, and I would not want to be the catalyst for decisions that will impact their lives forever. I had a great-grandmother, and so did my children, but there’s no way either of them would have wanted to be factored into decisions about my mum or me having children, and my parents never expected it of their grandchildren.

I had my children, btw, in my early and mid-20s, and was never unsure; I just knew it was right for me, even though, on paper, it wasn’t the right time.

Why don’t you travel some more and then reassess in a couple of years? You’re still young so enjoy things before there’s a baby in the mix.

IMO if you are asking the question, then you’re not ready yet.

I had always known that I wanted children, and in my mid-20s when it wasn’t possible, felt it so badly that I even got a dog to help direct my maternal instincts (which did help a lot!).
But even so when I was finally able to start my family some years later, I still sat and looked at my home test stick and thought “shit, life is going to change so much! What have I done? Am I really sure about this?”

It was just a few minutes of panic, and I think we are all scared of change and the unknown.

I just want to reassure you that having children is not necessarily for everyone, and please don’t feel any peer pressure just to have them because most people in society do.

Time is still on your side. You will know when – and if – you feel ready.

I knew I always wanted children, but never felt ready and just put them off year after year. Then when I was 33 I was on antibiotics and we didn’t use extra protection, we did laugh about it saying “meh, we’ll see what happens”, well it happened! I knew instantly I wanted this baby, even though I was terrified. He’s 24 now, lol. He’s the absolute light of my life, along with his planned younger sister. I have only one tiny fleeting regret about waiting longer. Only one of my grandparents met my dc, but I have always talked about them all to my children, they know how much I loved them. It does make me a little sad, but not enough that I wish I’d had them sooner.

My sister has no children and has an absolutely fabulous life, which she loves. She, and her husband of 35yrs, travel a lot, have a house abroad and a beautiful home in the UK etc. She did consider having children, she didn’t always know she didn’t want any, it was a decision she made as she went through her thirties. She says there are brief moments in her life when she wonders what it would be like if she’d had any and sometimes thinks having a child would have been nice, but she says it is fleeting and she’s happy with her choices. I think regret is too strong of a word for what she feels.

Well you won't be going on a girls holiday next year if you've just had a baby! Even if you aren't breastfeeding, you will feel guilt and anxiety at leaving your child and that's assuming your DH or parents will happily do childcare whilst you're away. Please don't have a baby because it's the "done thing" or because you're thinking about the grandparents. You have to really want a baby. You have to really want nothing more than to spend years ahead caring and raising another human being. It's the single biggest commitment you will ever make and once you have, there's no going back and very, very few compromises. You won't be "free" anymore either physically or mentally. That will be your life and it's got to be the life you truly long for.

I cannot stress this enough.

Only have a child for the reason that you really, really want a child.

Your OP reads like it has the potential to end up with you feeling really resentful in 3 years time.

If I had my time again and could pick a perfect time to have kids I would say 31 for the first, and 33 ish for the second. But you never know how these things pan out. We travelled as a married couple, had great jobs, lovely house but conceiving took much longer than I thought. So you just never know. I would be inclined to get cracking.

If you haven't had the "inner urge", OP, then for God's sake don't try to get pregnant yet.
You're still young; there's no rush.
And you might never be ready, which is fine, because you can have a brilliant life childfree.
Don't have a baby just because it's expected, or all your friends are doing it, ir your folks want to be grandparents....... they're all terrible reasons.

I always go with the theory that if someone refers to it as “having a baby” that they are not ready… it’s not only a baby, the baby will grow into a child, the child will grow into a teenager… and so on. I know that that’s like stating the obvious, but I think a lot of people don’t take that into consideration. The baby stage is the shortest and more than likely the easiest stage. Being a parent comes with huge huge changes, and huge huge headaches. You will love them so much it will drive you crazy, you will second-guess everything you do and say to them. You will second-guess everything you do for them. It’s not an easy road.
So,you say you fear that there would be change, yes there will be change. Huge huge changes, that despite what anyone on here will tell you and say, you still will not be able to begin to imagine until you are there… and well by then it’s too late. I don’t really know what else to say only that I don’t think you’re ready by reading your posts.

You have to be ready and willing to give up everything. You are never truly ready but you have to really want to do it. Personally Id wait as it sounds like you still have lots of other things you want to do.

If you only ‘think you do’ then stay on contraception until you know you want one

I agree. The ‘inner urge’ is extremely helpful in getting you through if it’s all going to shit! I travelled constantly. I cant now. It might be fine but it might not.

I agree with this - without wanting to scare you if you framed it as ‘Am I willing to take on the responsibility of raising a child through to independent adulthood and then nurturing the relationship after that for the rest of my life?’

It hits a bit different. And of course no one can really tell you what it’s like until you experience it but it is a fundamental and seismic shift in the way you live your life for at least a couple of decades and then onwards for the rest of your life. It’s ideally not something to do just because it seems like you should.

And the questions you’re asking are good! You’re asking if you’re ready and thinking of the impact a baby will have but it’s also worth thinking about what impact you and your husband will have on the child you’re planning to bring into the world.

Who actually wants a baby? You on your husband? And has he looked at it from the expanded perspective?

Have you discussed what having a baby means to your DP? Will he stop his life, accept that his needs can't come first and there might be more housework etc needed from him? Have you discussed your maternity leave and it's for you to recover from the birth and enjoy your newborn, not to become a housekeeper? Will he solo parent so you get time for yourself? What's his opinions been like towards couples who do 50/50 child rearing from birth and she has hobbies while he sits in? Then the money side, he takes over the bills while you are on maternity leave, you don't use your savings and if you go part time, he tops up your pension? To me, you don't sound ready. Spring/summer babies are the youngest in their school year, which is something to think about.

I agree with this. If you are having doubts then I would say you are not completely ready.

The 'urge' happened for me too. Quite by surprise may I add and from no-where. I had always known I wanted a family of my own one day but was happy being married, travelling, having nights out and having fun. Then one day I found myself out and I was suddenly staring longingly at a young family on the table next to us. Mum, Dad and two young children and they were just lovely. I found myself feeling a little envious of this little family unit sat next to us.

I remember just thinking 'I want that' and for the first time I felt that urge to have a family. And then it wouldn't go away. I was seeing pregnant women and women with babies and feeling envious. And I knew then that I was ready for our lives to change and for us to try for a baby.

Why not wait a while and plan some nice things for this year and put it out of your mind for now. You are young and you have time to decide whether you want children at all, let alone right now.

And don't do it for anyone else but you. You don't owe your parents a grandchild or your grandparents a great grandchild. Doing it for someone else is a recipe for disaster. You should only do this when YOU are ready and not before.