AIBU to ask when I’ll be ready?

[Sunnycupboard]

I’m struggling to figure out whether I’m ready to start trying for a baby and I’d really appreciate honest experiences and advice. I am 28 in a few months, married for 4 years, and we own a home. My husband is 33. We’ve saved a bit for a baby, are paying off a car loan and like to travel 2–3 times a year (we’ve done lots of trips already).

We agreed I would come off contraception this summer, and I do like the idea of a spring/summer baby if it happened in the first few months. I think I’m just scared of everything changing. We travel quite a bit and I went on a girls trip with my friend last year and really enjoyed it and want to do that again next year and I suppose I think that I can’t do that as easily with a LO. Is this normal or just me being a bit selfish? I don’t get broody when I see babies or kids generally. Have I just got so used to married life on our own? I still feel quite young. I’d love for my grandparents to meet our children which makes me want to have them a bit earlier. I’m not exactly sure what I’m asking. Maybe just if you would recommend I stick with the plan and TTC or leave it a bit longer? The only thing is my husband thinks we might be kicking the can down the road and there will always be another trip to take, a wedding to go to and so on and so forth. If you were nervous and didn’t feel 100% ready but went ahead anyway, what was your experience?

I’m trying to figure out whether I’m just being cautious or if I genuinely might not be ready yet, and if you were the same but adapted easily. Thank you!

If you keep hesitating maybe it’s time to shelf it for a little while. Regardless of whether you really want a baby or not, once it’s here nothing in your life will go back to what it was.

Do you spend a lot of time around children? In the past few years I’ve been a bit on the fence (I have a child but partner doesn’t) but every time I spend a day (an afternoon, even) with kids I just know I 100% wouldn’t want to be doing any of it all over again because of how all-consuming it is.

Wow, I came back to read the replies and so many of your words are so insightful, so thank you everyone! It’s quite reassuring to see that so many of you think of 28 is being young. Maybe sometimes I feel a little older than I am. It’s also interesting to see the mix of responses and that some of you who decided to have children had that urge and some of you didn’t. Totally agree with the responses that are saying you have to be all in and committed, and that’s particularly why I feel I need to be sure. I spoke to DH and he was very understanding and thinks it’s no issue to wait a bit longer, but yes, he does want children. I’ve seen people say that to help you decide you should envision your life, your whole life, with kids and then without kids and your feelings will give you your answer. But at the moment I don’t feel any huge pull towards either way, as in, I don’t vehemently feel that I absolutely must have children but I also don’t vehemently feel I want to be child-free either. It’s also great to see that so many of you have continued your hobbies and passions whilst raising your families.

@canisquaesono, we don’t spend that much time around babies or young children generally, there are some in our circle eg niece/nephew and extended family. I suppose I just see them as people (because they are, of course!) although I probably find it a bit more difficult to talk to children, especially younger children, I find it easier with teens generally. I did grow up with younger siblings than me so I was sometimes involved in things like feeding and playing with them. Not sure if that bears any relevance though

I dont think you can generalise on a topic such as this OP although I understand you being hesitant.

Dh & I got married soon after leaving university. We had our first child 2 years later then our second child 2 years after that. I can only speak from my own experience & give you my thoughts on having had children at this stage of life. It was simply the best decision I ever made. I loved being a young mum & didn't feel I missed out on anything in respect of fun nights out & travel as I had already experienced this during my breaks from uni. DH & I had parents who lived fairly close so if we needed a break they were there for us even for the occasional night away together.

One of the biggest benefits is our son & daughter in law followed the same path,married after university then had their first child in their mid 20s. We are now relatively young grandparents. We are fortunate in that DH & I are mostly fit & healthy & although we still work we regularly take care of the children. It's like going back in time as they are so like our own when at their stage. We love them as much as our own too & the fun & laughs we get at their antics are a sheer joy. I'm sure you can tell I'm a huge advocate of having children sooner rather than later although I accept it's not everyone's preference. I think its best to have opinions from both sides of the fence although ultimately its your decision. I wish you both well whatever you decide.🥰

Ime you don’t need to feel completely ready or have a massive urge as long as you know you’ll be a dedicated loving parent should you get the chance. Of course nobody should have kids if they don’t want them or just do it cause it’s the done thing.. but if you know deep down you’d be the best mum you can be, would pour all the love you have into your kids and you’re more just scared of the lifestyle change then it will very likely surprise you.

Speaking from the experience of someone who had my kids aged 34/35. I knew I wanted them “one day” but was so scared I’d regret it and ruin my life which sounds similar to your current situation tbh. Put it off for awhile even though been with my husband since we were 23. Definitely the best thing I’ve done.

Would I have had them sooner? Nope! But easy for me to say now it worked out at 30+… Would I have had them sooner ie in my twenties or not had them? Definitely would have had them.

I don't think you'll ever be ready ready. There's always another trip or adventure.

There is absolutely no doubt that it curtails freedom, kids are expensive and their needs get prioritised over your own. But what I think you often forget is that there are all the reasons not to, all the change, you don't have as much concept of what you gain by having these little people in your life. They are a bit of an adventure in themselves.Its a cliche to say they change you, or the vomit inducing I didn't know love till I had kids, but they do sort of change you (I think if it as wisdom, perspective).

It's tricky when you're in your 20s and not too many people have had children yet, there are lots of people planning trips away etc. But someone has to be first if that's the route people are taking. You don't have to do it at all, you definitely don't need to rush at 28, but I think it's just a different type of life. You haven't said anything to suggest it's not the case but keeping hobbies etc is often dependent on having a good partnership.

Men want babies like kids want puppies its all great until reality kicks in novelty wears off and they're still expected to put in the work for 18 years .its nearly always the woman's career and social life that suffers , If you're planning girls trips and holidays I wouldn't start ttc yet babies completely tip your world upside down nothing will ever be the same again . I've known several women regret having a child

It is easier when you're younger. I had mc in my thirties, and the gynae said that because so many people have kids older these days, a lot don't know but it is easier younger. Depends where you live, but the mw at my hospital said having my first baby at 29 seemed unusual (she kept asking was it my first, which seemed cheeky!)
That said, some people have no issues in their 40s and are great parents.
Grandparents are more likely to be healthy enough to help when they're younger, and most do want to.
You can travel and party when you have kids, just maybe not in exactly the same way, but I can pretty much guarantee you wouldn't be one of the youngest mums at the school gate even if you got pregnant tonight!

There will always be a reason not to have children if that's the lifestyle you lead, and your lifestyle will change of course it will. You just need to be ready to accept that you will have to adapt plans, put the child first etc. just be sure that having children is what you want.

I was never child orientated and didn't get broody over babies etc and when I did get pregnant, took us 9 months after stopping the pill, I was scared, but I wouldn't change it now, it was a new challenge and a different way of living but we found our old lives didn't really exist anymore as all our friends were busy with their families, not going out every weekend etc.

Some people manage to do the traveling with children no problem but I must admit we do the typical family holidays rather than the adventure couples ones, least while our children are little, currently 2 and 5.

Unless you have a humongous social circle, the weddings WILL dry up (and you’ll care less about not being pregnant because you want to drink at them) and you’ll start to imagine those trips with a child tagging along. Sounds like you’re not quite ready. You probably would cope if you had a baby now, but you would probably cope better if you’re starting to imagine your life with a child in it rather than a hinderance to your other plans

Late to the thread but OP, I'm about to turn 30 and the longing for a baby has kicked in hard! We're not quite in the right position financially but all things being equal we will be next year 🤞 As to your situation, I didn't feel remotely ready at 28 and it would have been entirely the wrong thing then for all sorts of reasons. If you're not feeling really strongly about it yet then it's ok to wait.

If you’re not sure just wait a few more years and see how you feel then. You’re very young. You don’t have to have babies and you shouldn’t if you're not sure. You are correct in thinking everything changes when children come along. I would enjoy carefree child-free life for a bit longer if I were you.

I love children, I have three, but it’s a lot. And it’s not for everyone. I wasn’t ready to have them until I was older, I had my first baby age 35. Zero regrets.

I didn't want children - until suddenly, age 30, I did. I got pg very quickly, with twins! Life with a baby ( or two!) is a massive change, not to be taken lightly. I would put it off for a couple of years if you're not ready yet.

I was exactly the same as you at 28 - I was on the fence about having kids at all. We waited until I was 33 and I don't regret it at all. We've travelled lots are secure in our careers and living comfortably. I don't think I was ready at 28...and doubted I even wanted a baby.

But I absolutely love being a mum now to my little one - I'm still a little unsure that I have the patience for all of the pretend play etc. and I am glad to have a very equal partner that it never feels like I don't have time to myself (she is almost three and I have been away a few times without her and she has been away with my husband a few times for a few weeks to see his family). And amazingly we travel lots! Less so now I'm back at work but we went to eight countries during maternity leave and she has been to a few more since (including going to La Réunion near Madagascar when she was 13 months old). But - and the big but - our daughter is very chill. She adapts to new situations with ease - I think because I am chill and because we have never done routine and we have travelled...she takes everything in her stride. But you can't bank on that. Ao I would say do things you want to do now, don't think the world will end...but also be happy and willing to slow down if you don't get one of those chill babies! I am now 36 and debating the second one and honestly I'm back where you are now because I don't want to end this new normal and really worry how I'd cope with a child who didn't have this personality if I'm honest.

My advice would be that you need to be 100 percent sure before you go ahead.

Your relationship with DH sounds lovely and you sound well suited, but so so many relationships break down after children.

So, sorry to sound gloomy, but don’t go ahead as a couple if you wouldn’t go ahead alone.

You are probably just too young.

IMO 20s are for partying and living. Early 30s mostly working and saving, mid 30s+ for babies.

I had mine late 30s and 40. Best decision for me. I did not want children early, when I had them it was the perfect timing for me.

Just do not keep on waiting until it "feels right" as that moment won't come, you have them and then they are the best thing in your life.

I adore my children and love enjoying every second I have with them. I don't miss going out because I did that in my 20s, don't miss my career as such because I got a good dose of that in my 30s.

I'd say absolutely have them, they really are the best thing in life, just don't rush to have them young.

I'm not sure you ever feel "ready". I probably felt similar and I had my first at 34, but I didn't have as much time on my side so that pushed me into it. So I was your husband's age.

Just to make you feel more positive though, I went on my first "girls' trip" after when my eldest was 15 months and it was absolutely fine. In fact, it was a good break to stop bfing her finally. So you can still have these trips 😊

Me and my husband have also managed a couple of trips on our own since having kids too. They just aren't every year and logistically obviously there is a lot more to think about. We do get a family holiday every year though and it is different, but great in a different way.

You say you "feel quite young".

Having a baby does not age you overnight, but it gives you responsibilities to a person who is going to depend on you to meet their needs. It is lovely but you do have to accept that you have to be ready to be a bit less "selfish".

It's fine if you aren't ready for that yet but it doesn't magically get any easier to put aside your own needs when you are 35 vs 28, some people are never ready.

I felt like it aged me overnight!

28 might seem young, but biologically it's not. One of the reasons I wanted to start just before 30 was so that I'd have time in case conceiving wasn't that easy.

I was the first out of my friends to even think about having a baby, but compared to the women I met when the dc were in school, I was fairly advanced in age for a first dc.

If i had the choice again, I'd still have one around 30. It's been the perfect balance.

If in doubt, don’t
wait until your early 30’s

I felt very similar to you, I never felt ready to have a baby although I knew I wanted children. We just took the plunge and started trying in our early 30's and it took the better part of a year to fall pregnant, which helped reinforce how much I did want it to happen!

My DS is now 11 months, my maternity leave has absolutely flown by and honestly my lifestyle has not changed significantly. We've been on three holidays with baby inc a long haul trip, have another holiday next week and I'm planning a girls trip for December. I still see my friends plenty for meals and brunch with and without the baby - most if them now also have children so we meet up more if anything.