AIBU to ask when I’ll be ready?

[Sunnycupboard]

I’m struggling to figure out whether I’m ready to start trying for a baby and I’d really appreciate honest experiences and advice. I am 28 in a few months, married for 4 years, and we own a home. My husband is 33. We’ve saved a bit for a baby, are paying off a car loan and like to travel 2–3 times a year (we’ve done lots of trips already).

We agreed I would come off contraception this summer, and I do like the idea of a spring/summer baby if it happened in the first few months. I think I’m just scared of everything changing. We travel quite a bit and I went on a girls trip with my friend last year and really enjoyed it and want to do that again next year and I suppose I think that I can’t do that as easily with a LO. Is this normal or just me being a bit selfish? I don’t get broody when I see babies or kids generally. Have I just got so used to married life on our own? I still feel quite young. I’d love for my grandparents to meet our children which makes me want to have them a bit earlier. I’m not exactly sure what I’m asking. Maybe just if you would recommend I stick with the plan and TTC or leave it a bit longer? The only thing is my husband thinks we might be kicking the can down the road and there will always be another trip to take, a wedding to go to and so on and so forth. If you were nervous and didn’t feel 100% ready but went ahead anyway, what was your experience?

I’m trying to figure out whether I’m just being cautious or if I genuinely might not be ready yet, and if you were the same but adapted easily. Thank you!

Have you sat down and talked about what it will look like on the day to day? How you will parent together? Who's taking leave for the baby/child/sick days etc what are the nurseries like in your area,the schools? Is their wraparound care?
What if there is additional needs that require one of you to give up their job? Which one of you will give up. Or would you both go part time. Are there family involved or grandparents who want to support you physically and emotionally ? How will you manage all the school holidays?

I know it's all the far away boring what ifs but I think it's really important to think about the potential reality. I remember being told that once children are in primary school suddenly its all easier and you can work more. It's the complete opposite in my experience. Of course not everyone's life stops when they have a baby but for some of us it's unrecognisable for a really really long time.

Do you want a baby or do you want children because you feel you SHOULD be wanting children now?

Children are all-consuming, but it doesn’t mean that your life has to stop. Do you have family support around you? It can make a massive difference to what parenting looks like. DH and I chose to move away from our families, and have only had a handful of nights out together in 10 years. Other couples I know have date night once a week.

I agree with this.

I knew I was ready and I wanted a family of my own, not just a baby. It’s an all consuming responsibility and you could end up resentful if not ready.

Its 2026, you don’t need to have babies if your life already feels fulfilled.

Do you genuinely want to have children? You don't have to, and you sound happy with your life as it is.

Having children is hard and, at least for a few years, really screws up everything else in your life. Your identity, your relationship and your social life will all radically change, you will have significantly less time to do anything for yourself.

My honest advice is not to have children unless you want them so badly you can't bear not to have them.

If I'd waited until the urge/ felt ready, I'd never have done it! One of friends dithered until she was 42 and even now, doesn't seem overly enamoured with the result.

I wanted children, because I was interested in having them than not. Most of my family and friends assumed i wouldn't have any.

I was 28/29 and financially stable. Social life was ok, but actually improved after having dc, despite going back to work ft.

I wasn't all misty eyed at the prospect of babies; I knew I'd be better at the teen stage. And I am. My teens are a piece of piss- ND included-although we laid the foundations when they were small.

I wouldn't say you have to give up everything to be a decent parent, either, but you do need to work as a team and understand that a baby is like throwing a bomb into your relationship.

But if you only have 1 or kids, you'll have pretty much done the grind in about 10 years, then they get more independent and, even useful, and you're sorted. Just waiting for one of mine to learn to drive and we'll have come almost full circle.

One thing though: I had the urge 2nd time round and it was horrendous. Much easier ttc when you're still at the wait and see stage, rather than the omg, I must have a baby stage.

Time is on your side. I don’t think you sound ready and that’s fine. I’d leave it another two years and reassess in your thirties.

I had my first at almost 35. I didn't ever get broody, but didn't want to not have kids and regret it, and knew it would potentially get harder to conceive as I got older. (It didn't...!) I didn't meet my DH until I was 29 though, and got married at 34. I can understand what you mean about meeting your grandparents - my last grandparent died days before my oldest was born, and I was devastated they never got to see DS. But she was in her mid 90s, and you may have younger DGPs. If you don't feel ready, I'd hold off.

I had my first at 32, wouldn’t say I felt 100% ready but don’t think I ever would have! Absolutely love it now though and have 2 under 2. I would say though, I’m very glad I waited till 30, as I don’t think I would have felt as complete as I do now as still felt like I had things to tick off before then

I'd do it earlier rather than later. You don't want to be a 50-year old mum with teens. If you have kids now they will go to uni by the time you're a pensioner, so you'll have some time to enjoy life when you are still in good health. I'm in my 40s and my youngest is 6. I really wish I started earlier.

This
Having a baby changes EVERYTHING

You still have so much time to enjoy your freedom and decide if its something you want! I am 40 and have a baby, i would not have wanted a child when i was younger, but everyone is different!

I'm going to disagree with all the people who say if you have to ask you aren't ready. I think it's perfectly normal to look at the nice trips abroad and meals out on a whim and ask if you're ready to give that up - and to feel a pang about doing so.

I think lots of perfectly ready people feel that way. For most of us we'll never be ready ready. There will always be a reason why a baby would be inconvenient next year. And that's fine.

We are on the whole having kids a bit later than is biologically ideal. Some of that is due to social reasons and people not settling down young. But you are settled so all of those reasons not to/to do it late don't apply to you. Lucky you! 28 is only young on our weird modern world.

HOWEVER please sit down with your partner and talk through the expectations and assumptions you both have. Will one of you step back in your career? If so how will you split money - doing more of the childcare is a contribution to the household funds in the same way paid work is. How do you plan to parent? Are you vaguely aligned on principles? Of course half of it will go out the window, but it's good to think about it up front.

How will you pay for childcare? Have you researched what it will cost and what help you are entitled to? How does that work with your mortgage? If you are taking a long maternity leave how will you (plural) fund that? Will he be taking shared parental leave? What maternity/paternity pay do both your employers offer?

baffling you are putting off having kids cos of holidays and others peoples weddings. if thats the thinking, you will never be ready. either own up to that or realise once you have kids they come first, not your travel plans, so you need to be prepared to become a lot selfless

You'll know when you're ready You aren't there yet.

I met my now husband when I was 20. He was ready for babies 3 years before me, and I pushed it back to 34. I loved our life, my job, my dogs and wasn't ready to give it all up and have my life turned upside down. I am glad I waited, as I have LOVED being a mum and we were in a great place financially and mentally to just focus on being parents. That said, the downside was I left it too late for a second child, but have no regrets - my son has had a great childhood and we have enjoyed every second of his 16 years.

Only you know if you’re ready or not. But my friend was like this and put off having kids for ages then had early menopause and now she’s infertile.

Why? What's so bad about being in your 50s with teens? Those mums had time on their own in their 20s, the ones who have them younger can get time in their 50s - it's swings and roundabouts. Just avoid having dc both in your 20s AND 40s I think!

Pay off the car and then go for it

This was just what I needed to read today, thank you! My partner and I are 32, have been together since we were 21, and at the moment are having a lovely life with our dog and little house. In the last 6 months half of my friends have become pregnant or had babies and I still feel like I've got a couple of years of child-free fun to squeeze out of life...

You’re not ready. There’s no rush.

I feel this is one of those situations where if you're not 100% yes then just wait. I liked the idea of children but it wasn't till I was 30 that I really wanted one. You have loads of time to have one in the future if thats what you choose

Another perpective for you, I had both on mine in my 20s, I’m now 49 with one grown and flown and the other taking a slightly slower path but will soon be more independent.

We are now planning wonderful things to do in our 50s, without dependent children and we are still young enough to explore. We are a lot of options, especially as we are financially stable now.

Your 20s aren’t the only time you have have fun and do stuff that you want to do.

And for some people, it never does. Why not wait and see?

It's totally up to you. There will never be a good time and there will always be trips, hen dos, birthday outings, holidays, festivals. Our three were born when we were in our twenties. I was 27 when we married and we already had 2 kids, a mortgage and jobs in the careers that we're still in. I only missed one hen weekend in all that time, my SIL's and that's because it was too close to my due date, I was at the wedding with my weeks old youngest. My son went to 7 weddings in his first year. And now? Our teenagers come with us to festivals, on trips abroad.

There is no perfect time. I've got lots of friends who chose to do it in their thirties, some in their forties.

Having them younger meant my mum was only 50 when she became a grandparent so she's been really hands on, and my kids grew up knowing their great grandparents.

It slowed down my career earlier than my mates who've had theirs later but I've got a cool job and have always worked in roles and organisations who interested me and mean a lot to what I want to do in the world. This meant I've been a lower earner than most of my school mates but it's evening out now.

As someone else has already mentioned, being a parent isn't just about looking after a baby. That baby becomes a chatty toddler, a busy child, an independent teenager, a young adult and so on. Parenting is for the long haul and those early years are just a chunk of it.

Part of our reason for doing it young was my husband had a baby young before we got together. We were spending our weekends doing toddler things so thought it made more sense to go the whole hog rather than revisit the early years a decade later. I'm so glad that we did that.

There's a lot to be said for having kids at the same time as your friends but I'm really happy to be in my early 40s with older teens and young adults.

Word of warning if you're keen on a summer baby: they won't thank you when they're the only one out of their mates who can't get in the pub. Also, don't get too hung up on it because no one knows how long it will take for it to happen.

So, yeah it is a bit young in the grander scheme of things (I've felt like a baby amongst the parents at some of my older kid's hobbies and sports) but it's the right thing for some people. I get the impression that you're not super keen so it's also totally OK to hold off and wait.