AIBU to ask when I’ll be ready?

[Sunnycupboard]

I’m struggling to figure out whether I’m ready to start trying for a baby and I’d really appreciate honest experiences and advice. I am 28 in a few months, married for 4 years, and we own a home. My husband is 33. We’ve saved a bit for a baby, are paying off a car loan and like to travel 2–3 times a year (we’ve done lots of trips already).

We agreed I would come off contraception this summer, and I do like the idea of a spring/summer baby if it happened in the first few months. I think I’m just scared of everything changing. We travel quite a bit and I went on a girls trip with my friend last year and really enjoyed it and want to do that again next year and I suppose I think that I can’t do that as easily with a LO. Is this normal or just me being a bit selfish? I don’t get broody when I see babies or kids generally. Have I just got so used to married life on our own? I still feel quite young. I’d love for my grandparents to meet our children which makes me want to have them a bit earlier. I’m not exactly sure what I’m asking. Maybe just if you would recommend I stick with the plan and TTC or leave it a bit longer? The only thing is my husband thinks we might be kicking the can down the road and there will always be another trip to take, a wedding to go to and so on and so forth. If you were nervous and didn’t feel 100% ready but went ahead anyway, what was your experience?

I’m trying to figure out whether I’m just being cautious or if I genuinely might not be ready yet, and if you were the same but adapted easily. Thank you!

I spent a year panicking after deciding to TTC but knew deep down I wanted a baby so bit the bullet and did it.

It was the right decision but it's hard for all the reasons you've said and more.

Amongst other things, babies are bloody inconvenient and they will mean you can't travel as much but those lifestyle sacrifices will need to be made whenever you jump

And just tonbe realistic, it will be difficult and inconvenient for far longer than the baby years.

I remember pre-baby that I had similar worries and found an online post about whether it was ok to leave a 2yo with grandparents for a fortnight and I thought it was fine as long as baby was cared for. As a mum, I now wouldn't leave my 10yo that long. Others might, but my point is that you may feel different when it's your own

I would listen to your gut OP. You shouldn't be TTC unless you are confident you feel ready, and ARE ready.

The girls trips don't have to stop, if you're in a good relationship/partnership with someone. You can still do them when pregnant, and when the baby is here after the first few months you can easily still go off and do stuff, as can your husband, with the other staying home with the baby. Don't fall into the trap of assuming once the baby arrives you'll be tied to them for five years solid, that's how a lot of women end up with no identify beyond 'mum', and sighing about 'having to' stay home when in reality they've chosen to limit themselves from day one for various reasons.

You are young enough to still have time to enjoy your life for another couple years then try, so if there's any doubt whatsoever I really would say don't start trying until you've worked through that. Everything really will change.

I will be honest, your post reads like someone who knows on paper they 'should' be having a child soon (married, age, social pressure) but they don't actually want one themselves and would prefer not to. Parenting is hard, and I think there's a real chance of you resenting it if you plough on now and don't listen to what your heart and your gut are yelling at you.

By the time we started trying I'd wanted a baby for several years, waited until everything was in order, and then tried at 31. I was so ready, I was absolutely DESPERATE to get pregnant and have a baby. I can't emphasise how badly I wanted it to happen. I felt like I needed to get pregnant and have a baby immediately. The thought of actually being pregnant then becoming a parent felt so unrealistic because it felt like winning the lottery. I am really grateful we got pregnant and it panned out and I can truthfully say now, 6yr later, I am still just bowled over by the fact I get to do this and raise this human, I will never take it for granted. It's magical. I know other parents who deeply regret ever having had a child, because it wasn't for them but by the time they realised that it was too late. You have the gift of time right now and of being able to make the right decision without rushing into something disastrous.

And it's worth saying, when you TTC you're opening up to any outcome. You could have triplets. You could have a child with serious health issues who needs lifelong round the clock care. One of you may have to give up work. You could be left with a serious injury and lifelong pain. You just can't know, it's a coin toss. So when you start trying you really do need to be ready to accept whatever comes and feel that it's worth it.

Honestly I never felt 'ready' but I knew I wanted children. I also knew we wouldn't be the type of people to put life on hold when having children. There was always some other trip or event we wanted to do so took the plunge at when I was 27 to start trying. I didn't want to be in my 40's by the time we were having our last (we wanted 2 or 3 children as you never know what will happen) but I know people who haven't had their first until 40 by choice. Its just preference - I wanted to be younger with my children for when they had children I could be an involved grandparent (long term plan I know).

I had my first at 28 and youngest at 34. We still had those trips away with friends, attended weddings even with small babies (sometimes without if children not invited). Girls trips away are now an annual event to a holiday cottage with hot tub or spa weekend - occasionally abroad. Husbands do an annual golf weekend. Only hen do I missed was one I was too pregnant to fly to by the airline. Our larger tips haven't stopped either, they are just further apart as more expensive with 2 kids - we've been to south Africa and Australia a few times now.

Your life will be what you make it and as long as you and your DH are on the same page (good to have that conversation now about what you want it to be like), it will be fine.

I am led to believe that one is never ready until it happens. Don't know that for a fact because I was not ready at 28 and still not ready at 42. I love my life and have a preference for "ready-made children". I've been an excellent third parent for the last 5 years.
My mum is enjoying being a third grandmother for my cousin's baby. I actually don't believe she would want any more involvement than taking a grandbaby for a stroll once a week so I don't think your parents' wishes should be a factor.
Is your husband very keen on having children?

I agree with the urge kicking in.

We met at 31 and 35, got married at 34 and 38. Originally we planned on waiting another couple of years - we knew we wanted kids and we knew we weren’t young but wanted a bit more time by ourselves.

But suddenly the intense urge kicked in and so we decided to start trying, knowing it could take a while if at all. Fortunately it happened pretty quickly and we had our DC at 35 & 39 then 39 & 43, with a loss in between.

Kids are great but obviously they do/can have a huge impact on your life so don’t do it until you’re sure it’s what you really want and are ready.

There’s never a perfect time to have a baby. You’ll either be too young, too old, not enough money, have career worries, house too small, busy social life you don’t want to compromise etc etc etc etc.

If you want a baby just crack on, imo. You could easily spend the next few years agonising and planning and planning and agonising.

FWIW I had dd1 at 28. Worked fine for us but everyone is different. A friend had her first at 42 which to me is crazy but again, was perfect for her.

Just to share my story. I’d always thought I’d have kids although I can’t say I ever felt particularly maternal in the way that some people are. I think maybe it was just the way I thought things had to be. I didn’t meet my husband until I was in my early 30s and I was 34 when we married. We started trying for a baby but it didn’t happen. I started to feel a real ache for a child that surprised me. I think when you realise you may not have the option you figure out what it is you really want. In the end we used ivf. It was a complete miracle as we had one round and I produced one egg- which came to be my DD. I am so grateful (I sadly had some miscarriages prior to that).That said, I have many friends without kids by choice who are very happy so it’s just a question of figuring what is right for you. Good luck.

I was 35 when I had my DS. Had not felt the urge at all until I was about 34! Even then I was a bit meh about it. You have plenty of time yet, give yourself a couple of years if you don't feel ready.

It’s not really something you have to work out you just know when you are ready.

I will say my mother had kids because it’s what you do once you get married and I never felt that love kids are supposed to feel and she definitely resentful of the impact in her life. It’s not healthy to have kids that way. It’s one thing if you accidentally get pregnant and decide ending a pregnancy isn’t for you but to actively get pregnant when you are indifferent isn’t wise in my opinion.

Yes, that’s the thing. We have discussed those things. Like I said, on paper we are getting the wheels in motion so to speak. It’s more the inner me that isn’t 100% sure yet. I was meant to come off contraception 3 months ago and I decided against it. Now it’s coming up to summer and I’m feeling iffy again.

@Upsetbetty@Nameynamechange21yes, I have indeed thought about the entire span from pregnancy to adulthood and perhaps that’s why I am quite so cautious. I think about how I worry about my own younger siblings and how my parents worry about them, and if I’m setting myself up for a life of constant worry. If I have children I’d like to give them the best life that I can possibly give them. I don’t want to have any resentment or regrets or things that I put off doing if that makes sense. My own mother had me in her early twenties and there was a lot more she could have experienced before she had me. She never pressures me and always tells me that if you want children, they will be worth waiting for. But what I’m waiting for I’m not sure exactly. I’ve already completed my education, got married and bought a home. I wonder if I am waiting for a feeling more than anything tangible, if that makes any sense. Maybe more trips. But we have been on many, so I wonder if we will one day think that we’ve experienced enough. Yes my husband is good to go ahead but he is a few years older than me so it’s understandable, and, of course, he is a man so I’m sure doesn’t have quite the same perspective as I do.

I always find this a strange statement, that nobody is ever ready until it happens. That certainly wasn't the case for us, and for most of my friends. But I know everyone is different.

It does worry me though as it might incentivise people to try when they know they're not ready with the notion that becoming pregnant or having the baby will automatically make them suddenly ready!

I'm intrigued by people who say there's never a perfect time too. Isn't there?

Perfect time is different for everyone, as some are perfectly happy having a baby in a rented flat, others are fine having one with a low paid job as they don't imagine ever earning much more. But the perfect time is when the relationship is stable, both people deeply want a baby together, you have a reasonable amount of financial stability/security, your health is as optimal as it can be (within reason, and taking into account disabilities of course, I mean if someone is halfway through rigorous treatment for something serious they're likely to wait until it's completed for everyone's sake), and you have a rough plan for how you'll manage when childcare kicks in.

I'd reckon most people who do the traditional, wait until they're married, have a mortgage, and earn a decent amount, would say that that's the perfect time. At least compared to just winging it and trying when the urge kicks in even if you're in a rocky relationship and can't afford your own place.

I think I do

You don't feel like you are ready yet, OP, because you don't even know if you really want children yet.

Please don't rush into it if you aren't 100% sure this is what you want. It is completely life altering.

I don't really get it either but that's what I keep hearing from my friends and family. I was decisively not ready when I got pregnant and wasn't willing to wait till the baby is here to find out whether maternal instincts overcome me at birth.
My best friend, on the other hand experienced just that.

Wait another year. I was 28 and toyed with the idea. It happened immediately and we both wished we had had 1 more year

I was your age when I had dd and dh was the same age as your dh. We started trying when I was 26, then found out I had significant fertility issues and had ivf. Luckily it worked first time but I could never have more than one. It’s worked out really well though. I’m 42 with a 15 year old. I still feel very young. I never stopped doing girls trips, apart from the first year. Mr and my friends go away at least once a year. We’ve also travelled a lot with dd. I’ve never felt restricted by having dd and have achieved more since having her than before I had her.

If you know you want a child, do it sooner rather than later.

It will be an absolute bomb in your life whether you do it at 28 or 32.

Once they get to 18 m - 2y, you can easily start going on solo weekends again (or at least I did). Once they get to 5/6 you can start travelling again properly with them (you can travel before that too but you have to take it easy).

To be fair, OP is married and owns a home. Presumably in a stable job. So objectively she IS in the perfect position. It doesn't get more perfect than that. Whether she's emotionally ready or not, is subjective. And in my opinion, no one is ever ready for how massive the change is.

Even if you're absolutely certain and feel ready, having a baby will hit you and your existing life like an express train. Nothing will ever be the same again and there's no going back. My advice would be to wait until you definitely want one, and be open to the fact that maybe you won't ever feel ready. In my experience, men who want children at all (as opposed to being certain that they don't) are much more blasé about being ready, as the impact on their daily lives is typically much less.

Firstly, make sure you genuinely want a baby, rather than feeling pressured by expectations because you’re married and things look right on paper. Plenty of people are in that position and choose not to have children at all. Secondly, having a child doesn’t mean your life stops, it changes, of course, and in the early days it can feel overwhelming, but it’s not over. You can still travel, spend time with friends, and take your child on holiday! What I will say is over when you have kids though is that feeling of little responsibility or not worrying about anyone else, even when they are grown you will always worry about them, that’s just being a mum. At 28 you’re still young, I would maybe take a few more years to enjoy that feeling and freedom!!

I didn’t think I wanted children until about a year before I had my DD at 31. Instead of asking ‘What am I waiting for?’ try just living you life.You may wake up one day feeling completely ready, or you may not.

Every major life decision comes with doubts, especially something as life-changing as having children. No one is ever 100% ready, even if they think they are. So if you’re waiting for complete certainty, it may never come!

Do you actually want a baby or do you just think that you should want a baby?

You can have a very happy life without kids and all the stress and expense they bring.

I see your point, though I'd say one of my points was that both people really want a baby together. OP doesn't, right now, so she's definitely not in the perfect position. Having the various practical things in place is one thing, but actually wanting to become a parent and raise a child is a whole different thing, that OP appears not ready for. Which is perfect okay :)

Yes, I agreed with this. It's easy for DH to want a baby. His life won't change much. You don't believe that now but genuinely, other than a few sleepless nights here and there and some extra expenses, his life will stay the same.

Your body, your career and your social life will all take a massive beating in the medium term however. So you have the final say OP.

I don't have kids yet so can't comment on that side but I'm in a very similar situation in that I'm 28 , married and we said we'd start trying this summer.

For me, having my grandparents meet my children was a big deal and unfortunately all three have passed away within a few weeks of each other in the past few months. On the flip side, my parents had me earlier as they thought my grandmother wouldn't live long and they wanted to give her the first grandchild and she lived until this year! All this to say it's very difficult to predict what will happen so I think you have to make your decision based on how you feel rather than others 💖