AIBU to ask when I’ll be ready?

[Sunnycupboard]

I’m struggling to figure out whether I’m ready to start trying for a baby and I’d really appreciate honest experiences and advice. I am 28 in a few months, married for 4 years, and we own a home. My husband is 33. We’ve saved a bit for a baby, are paying off a car loan and like to travel 2–3 times a year (we’ve done lots of trips already).

We agreed I would come off contraception this summer, and I do like the idea of a spring/summer baby if it happened in the first few months. I think I’m just scared of everything changing. We travel quite a bit and I went on a girls trip with my friend last year and really enjoyed it and want to do that again next year and I suppose I think that I can’t do that as easily with a LO. Is this normal or just me being a bit selfish? I don’t get broody when I see babies or kids generally. Have I just got so used to married life on our own? I still feel quite young. I’d love for my grandparents to meet our children which makes me want to have them a bit earlier. I’m not exactly sure what I’m asking. Maybe just if you would recommend I stick with the plan and TTC or leave it a bit longer? The only thing is my husband thinks we might be kicking the can down the road and there will always be another trip to take, a wedding to go to and so on and so forth. If you were nervous and didn’t feel 100% ready but went ahead anyway, what was your experience?

I’m trying to figure out whether I’m just being cautious or if I genuinely might not be ready yet, and if you were the same but adapted easily. Thank you!

It sounds like you're not ready. And you have plenty of time. Wait a couple of years and see how you feel. A baby / having kids is a LOT of work and your lives will change a LOT. I don't want to be negative, I love kids and my kids were very much wanted and planned. Very much worth the work, but I'd wait til you really want them!! Just my opinion 🙂

How many kids do you want?

You're young enough to wait a while, but your husband is a little older, and sperm quality degrades.

My husband and I tried on and off a little in similar circumstances. A few months, then one of us moving job so stop. A couple of months, then we had a few big ticket events lined up, a little break.

You have the time, but once you get pregnant, tbh the clock stops on frequent fun together for a while. But it picks up, so long as you have babysitters.

I was like you. I met my husband at 22, him 26 and always loved babies/kids but definitely didn’t want my own at that point. When I was younger I always had a plan of wanting to be married and at least pregnant by the time I tuned 30. I wasn’t even married by the time I turned 30! By the time I was 28/29 I was starting to wonder whether I actually wanted them or not because I was getting closer to 30. Once I hit 30 something changed and I just had to do it.

At the time I was listening to a podcast called something like “To baby or not to baby?”, this woman was 35 and in the same position. She had various women on, people who were child free, people who’d had losses, people with lots of kids, people with only children etc. I actually found this podcast and all these different stories really helpful in making my decision!

I had my first at 32 and second at 35. Done now, DH had ✂️ not long after our second was born. It was definitely the right decision for us, I absolutely adore being a mum. Equally I have friends my age (37) who are quite happily child free and intend to stay that way.

don’t do it for other people, only do it for yourself.

I relate to this a lot, but I'm a bit older than you, nearly 34. The urge has never come for me. I now have a nephew who I absolutely adore, but the urge isn't there for me. I think you really need to really want it.

We were mid thirties when we had our 1st. I didn't ever feel particularly broody but we felt w3 wanted a family. I went away to a friend's wedding when my 2nd was 3 months old and my husband and his parents had a great time with the children. If your husband is fully committed to being a decent father who pulls his weight, you just need to be sure you are ready and then try for one when it suits you. There really isn't a right or wrong time as there are advantages and disadvantages at any age.

100% wait longer. You’re still young and have time to have adventures and then TTC. And still have fertility treatment if it doesn’t happen easily. Babies are so all consuming for most people, it’s not selfish to want to enjoy more of your own life before changing it entirely! I waited until 30 and regret not enjoying my 20’s more and waiting a bit longer!!

You are still young and if you want another year or two of freedom, just move the TTC back. I think one of the reasons I can accept the slog of looking after young children is that I really enjoyed my freedom in my 20s, travelled, partied etc.
However, your DH is a few years older so you should take his preferences into account. Having said that, he’s not the one who has to bear, birth and feed the baby!

I'd wait you are still young! I had DC at 34 and still felt young and I definitely didn't feel ready. I was just worried about waiting longer and it not happening but luckily we got pregnant quickly. I'm now debating when to have my second as DC is already 18 months and still not feeling ready!

This. Once you get broody then come off contraception. Until then live your life as you want to.

I think it's natural to be ambivalent. It is like a bomb going off in your lives and your marriage in the first year. You need to be a team to make it a success and while it sounds like the two of you are in a great place to start a family it's worth doing your due diligence.

Out of interest, have the two of you actually sat down and done the maths on having children and tested your respective assumptions?

What are your respective maternity and paternity paid leave periods?

How long do each one of you want to take off? Does your husband assume you will do it all?

Back to work? Do you want to return? Does your husband assume you will/won't? If you change your mind what then?

Will his earnings allow for a pension fund for you? Will yours if he wants to be a SAHD ? Does he presume you will be at home and not him? Would he entertain working compressed hours over a 4 day week so you both have one day at home with the kids? Useful to test thinking especially if you don't have friends with small kids and aren't already considering how the will impact your lives other than "it would be nice to have a mini-me and take a son to the rugby"

Have you got sufficient savings to fund that period? Redundancy is a real risk during pregnancy and maternity leave.

Childcare? Visited any nurseries and established a) places availability and b) cost?

Grandparents - have they made vague supportive statements about "helping out". If they have what does that actually look like in practice? [there are a million threads on here about GP's backing off or simply being a nightmare ignoring parents requests] I would be frank - you've suggested many times you would look after a grandchild. How many days a week? From 8am to 6pm? Do you take the child to them or do they come to you? How does that work with a commute for you both - who will do drop offs and pick ups? For how long? You still need wrap around care when school starts - if anything it's harder.

School - do you have any strong views on state versus private? If the latter, do you have sufficient income bandwidth to start saving serious cash amounts to be able to fund it in 5 years [on top of childcare costs]?

As someone in their early 50's with children in their teens there are a lot of pro's to having children in late 20's/early 30's. I can remember my parents turning 40 in my teens. My kids were toddlers. I will be retiring when they finish university. It is unlikely I will ever take them hiking in South America, my knees are knackered.😂

It is very easy to put it all off and enjoy these years but you may regret it later.
Equally, it's also very easy to end up with several small children, a spouse who doesn't pull their weight and divorced by 40 with years out of the workforce.

Children are very hard work but usually very rewarding. Consciously choose to have them, both of you.

A wise woman once said, "Men want children like children want a dog". Not all men I hasten to add, but many are not prepared to put the work in.

My husband and I met at age 20 and 21. By 25 I had desperate pangs to become a Mum, but my husband wasn’t ready. So we waited until he was also ready. We had 10 wonderful childfree years - travelled lots, lie-ins, could be selfish, be spontaneous, worked abroad etc. And I wouldn’t change it for the world now. I’m now glad he didn’t give in to my years of pestering 😂 haha….. and we waited until we were both totally ready, in our early thirties.

You are still so young - if I were you I would take a few more years travelling, spending quality time with your husband and friends.

@Sunnycupboard

Children are a big responsibility and I dont think anyone ever feels ready.

Lots of people have unplanned pregnancies (therefore not "ready" and did not have a sudden urge), and are able to be loving, caring responsible parents that give their children a brilliant upbringing.

As long as you are aware that you are responsible for this person you bring into the works and all it comes with, then I would say that shows that you are ready. As PP have mentioned, some people just want babies and dont think about them actually growing up.

If you want a family then there's never a perfect or good time.

I don't think anyone ever feels "100 ready" @Sunnycupboard . I had DD1 at 29 and DD2 at 33 and was glad we hadn't left it another two years in the end as we'd originally planned as I was diagnosed with something which may affect fertility in my 30s, after I'd had DD2, but we weren't planning to have any more. So if we'd left it a lot later then we may not have had them at all. Also it may take a couple of years or more to conceive, it was very quick for us but you just don't know until you try.

Also now I'm 50 and they are both pretty independent, not financially yet but that won't be long. Think about the other side and later life as well, if indeed you want children at all.

honestly you don't sound like you want a baby. Having a child is the most unimaginable life change, it's impossible to understand it until it happens. It puts so much pressure on your relationship, your time, your finances. If you have doubts or reservations, then don't do it, at least don't do it now. I can't see any rush, you're so young. Me and majority of my friends had our first babies in our mid 30s. If you are worried about possible fertility issues then why not get some private tests done so you have an indication.

Before kids my vision of my life revolved around children. I could see my future with babies, toddlers, children. Nin fact I had been broody since I was a teenager. You might need to really think about what life with baby will look like.

You are currently 28. Do you work full time? Will that continue? What are your childcare options? Would you want to give up work or go part time? How might that impact your lifestyle. What do you normally do on weekends? Are you ready for your life to revolve around a child?

To me it doesn't sound like you are sure you want kids. Kids do change your life in so many ways.

Whatever you decide you owe it to your husband to be honest and not string him
Along with the maybes.

everyone’s experience is different including the impact your life. Some people carry on with work/travel etc with young children, others don’t. Some babies and children are hard work, others not so much

you never know which it will be!

equally you start now and find it takes years to conceive or could happen first month

I felt a similar way at 28 - wanted a baby but kept dwelling on negatives/timing. Same at 29. At 30 I was ready, didn’t care about the things that were holding me back before.

I would say don't do it if you're not sure you're ready. I was 100% ready and it still knocked me for 6. A baby completely takes over your life. Have a few more holidays before you commit, it's not selfish at all.

Imo you're not ready.

I was 29 when I had my first baby. All the years leading up to that I was happy going travelling, going out and enjoying time with friends, my fiancée and my own peace and freedom! All of a sudden, I really wanted a baby and I would see pregnant women and really want that to be me. It was an innate feeling that came along quite abruptly and I knew I'd be happy to reduce travelling, nights out etc for this next chapter.

It was the right call as being a parent is never ending and changes your life completely. If you're not sure, I'd wait a while longer

I have two children. They're both adults now. My eldest is your age.

They seem so young! With so much life to live, so many opportunities and such fun to have.

From this side of the fence, I'd want them to wait until 30 really.

I had my first at 23 and my second at 31. I didn't regret it but I se now how different life would have looked without a child in my 20s. Not better; just different.

If your husband is worthy of being a husband and a father, you will still get your annual girls holiday. Just maybe not when you're pregnant!

@Sunnycupboard when the placenta comes out they insert worry and guilt. You will never have a day of not worrying with dcs. Mine are adults and I still worry.

I didn't want dcs until your age. I wouldn't do it if you're in doubt. Would dh leave you if you don't want them? Be very sure.

Just to put my 2 pennies in…

I was your age when I got pregnant with my first. Had been married a similar amount of time too.

I didn’t have a burning desire to have children. If I had married a man who didn’t want children then in all likelihood I wouldn’t have bothered.

But DH wanted kids and I wanted DH so I came off contraception as the timing was right for my career.

I got pregnant in the first month of trying which was a shock I wasn’t prepared for. I was in denial throughout my pregnancy.

But then I had her and loved every moment from the instant she was born. It all just clicked into place. I was no longer bothered about seeing friends, nights out, weekends away. I was obsessed with being a mum.

Then, when they started school, I was young enough to get back out there again. I started socialising a lot more, started going on girls weekends away again, partying on the weekends etc.

So I just wanted to say that you don’t have to be 100% ready. And also that having children isn’t a death sentence for your individual freedom or social life.

Totally relate. It was exactly how I felt at your age, except I suppose that until children became what I wanted, I was adamant they would never be a part of my life. Until that happens, enjoy the time you have now. You already understand what would change for you, and that's an important insight. When/if the balance shifts, and children become a priority for you, that's the right time, because from the moment you become a parent, that child comes before you in your own life.

I didn’t want children in my twenties, had my first at 32 second at 36 and third at 40
I remember thinking when I was pregnant with the first that I would have left it a few more years if I’d known I would conceive so easily!
I’m 63 now and they are still my 3 favourite people in the whole world!
There’s no mad rush, you will know when you are ready x

I was a lot older than you when I had DS. I was 37 (pregnant at 36). I didn’t want children at all until then really. when I decided I wanted a child I did absolutely zero planning and we were between homes / relocating. So you sound very sensible.

However, having him really hasn’t changed my life that much. Still go to festivals, just take DS. Still travel, just take DS. I still go on girls trips. Usually for long errands but this year it’s two of my friends 40ths and we are doing a ten day girls trip. Having children doesn’t stop your life, you just have to make adjustments. DS is 3 now and we took him to the stage play Matilda and lots of fun things this year. It’s a lovely age.