AIBU to ask when I’ll be ready?

[Sunnycupboard]

I’m struggling to figure out whether I’m ready to start trying for a baby and I’d really appreciate honest experiences and advice. I am 28 in a few months, married for 4 years, and we own a home. My husband is 33. We’ve saved a bit for a baby, are paying off a car loan and like to travel 2–3 times a year (we’ve done lots of trips already).

We agreed I would come off contraception this summer, and I do like the idea of a spring/summer baby if it happened in the first few months. I think I’m just scared of everything changing. We travel quite a bit and I went on a girls trip with my friend last year and really enjoyed it and want to do that again next year and I suppose I think that I can’t do that as easily with a LO. Is this normal or just me being a bit selfish? I don’t get broody when I see babies or kids generally. Have I just got so used to married life on our own? I still feel quite young. I’d love for my grandparents to meet our children which makes me want to have them a bit earlier. I’m not exactly sure what I’m asking. Maybe just if you would recommend I stick with the plan and TTC or leave it a bit longer? The only thing is my husband thinks we might be kicking the can down the road and there will always be another trip to take, a wedding to go to and so on and so forth. If you were nervous and didn’t feel 100% ready but went ahead anyway, what was your experience?

I’m trying to figure out whether I’m just being cautious or if I genuinely might not be ready yet, and if you were the same but adapted easily. Thank you!

Is your husband wanting a family?

I started trying at your age and after 8 years of miscarriages, infertility, and other issues, gave birth to my first child at 36. So, you might be ready or not but it won't necessarily happen on demand.

where are you in your career? I waited until I was senior enough and earning enough that my career wouldn’t be affected as much and I could be self sufficient and not rely on my partner. I was 34 when I had my daughter

What's the rush? I had my first at 34, and then 2 after that. And I had met my husband at university, we owned a flat etc, so could easily have done it before.
NEVER regretted waiting a bit. Make the most of being young, footloose, able to spend your money on yourself, and be a bit selfish. You will not get the opportunity again for another 20 years, if not more.

If you feel this way I would definitely wait till 30 at least, there’s no harm in that.

In your position I'd wait a bit. You still have time (and all the other components required) to keep enjoying the "selfish" things you enjoy in life. Yes, you can take a child on holiday with you - we've done extensive travelling with ours - but it is different, and I'd really focus on ticking a few more bucket list things if you're not feeling a huge urge to have a baby right now.

Also, I just want to state there is absolutely nothing wrong with being selfish in your position. You don't owe anyone a child, so enjoy your life!

I wouldn't necessarily wait for an 'urge'. I never had one, I just thought having kids would be really interesting, and it was. I knew I wasn't the sort of person to become suddenly maternal!

You will have to be prepared for your life to change a lot, and for the love of God, tell your husband his life does not get to carry on like before either.

How much it changes hangs a lot, I think, on if you have family babysitting support/ can afford babysitting. We had available grandparents and I think being able to go out fairly regularly because of that relieved a lot of potential strain. We were also lucky, though, to have kids who were pretty 'easy' as babies and toddlers, so it was a pretty easy ask to have them looked after, even overnight.

If you're just enjoying life right now, by all means give yourself another year or two, you are still young. I think we deliberately wound down our social life a bit in the run up so it wouldn't be too much of a sudden difference.

I felt like you are your age. You aren’t ready. When you are you will know and it will feel like your priority.

I would also add that "feeling ready" is a bit of a false flag.

Because you can't feel ready for a change you can't imagine, and having a baby is the biggest change to your life you and imagine.

It's more important to BE ready (financially, relationship, living and working circumstances). But most importantly be ready for the fact that this is the overwhelming focus of your life for the first two years of each child's life, and then for less so for the next three years, in a very intense way.

This isn't saying that having children is awful, but it's intense, requires a lot of focus and all of your time and more is accounted for, ALL the bloody time.

You can't "feel ready" for that, any more than you can feel ready to enter a redundancy process or have major surgery or anything else that consumes your whole life.

So you have to be ready on a practical level, and you then have to lean in to what your new life is because you can't go back.

I had my first when I was 28. I live in London, so that seemed quite young. Once I had my baby, most of my friends followed suit so I didn't feel I was missing out on much. I travel a lot and always have done with or without babies. I really like being a parent even though I was never that broody. My eldest is now 18 and is heading off on her own travels this summer. Having children is great as it means having more people in your life who you love and who love you (that is how it feels for most of the people that I know). The baby bit is very intense but it doesn't last very long.

You have a baby because you cant imagine your life being complete without it, its a burning, obsessive desire... otherwise in a few years time when your husband goes off on a boys weekend but you dont get the same choice because 'the baby just doesn't settle well without its mum' you'll feel extremely resentful.

My stepson had 3 kids because it was the next thing to do with life... his fiance buggered off and left him with 3 little kids wondering where their mum was.

We were like you op, on paper everything was right but we weren't completely set and certain. Advice from some good friends was that if you were waiting until you were 100% ready then you'd never do it because there'd always be something.

We decided to go for the 'not trying but not necessarily preventing' route as less stressful. And just as we got to the end of the first trimester dh got made redundant 🙄

This bit “if I’m setting myself up for a life of constant worry”

…you will be! My sister said the thing nobody tells you is that you’ll never have another moment’s peace in your life 😅

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret my daughter for even a moment, but it is a lifetime of love, compromise, and letting go- it’s hard. And mine is (touch wood) healthy and happy. Parents whose kids have additional needs are in another league. You have to prepare for that at least a little bit.

Regarding the timing, number, age gaps, etc, the only thing you can really plan is not to have kids. You can’t always plan to have them in the way you might imagine, so sometimes you have to let go of your expectations and accept what happens.

There’s no rush. And if you never feel ready, that’s ok too.

As the child of older parents, I only met one grandparent.
My parents had died before I had my kids at 29 and 31, and I fell both I and my kids missed out on important relationships, so if I was you, I’d crack on. As long as you’re sure - parenthood isn’t compulsory!

I was 30 and similar to you, I wanted my grandparents to meet our child. My grandfather passed away very unexpectedly and that changed my opinion so we started TTC. DC was born 12 months after he passed. I didn’t feel ready either but I did regret he never got to meet her. We travel the world now with our 2 DC’s and they are brilliant travelling companions. Life doesn’t end, it is just different with kids. But don’t feel pressurised into it at the same time, write a list of your pros and cons, weigh it up and take into consideration it may not happen straightaway. Good luck x

Haha that was me! I had dc1 when I was 26 and dc 4 when I was 42! Currently going to university offer days - and I'm 61.

I feel like 28 is young in some ways but it’s not really young when it comes to having a baby. It’s like, a standard time to decide to do so.

I was the child of young parents (aged 22 when I was born) and still only got to meet 2 grandparents. I'm 61 and my parents are still fit and active and love spending time with their adult dgc and dggc.

You're still very young, I had my first at 28 and I was the youngest at nct. I think if you're still enjoying married life, leave it a bit. Once they're with you, they really do need you and kids know when their parents don't necessarily see them as a benefit to their lives! Do the things you want to do, maybe write a checklist with hubbie (certain trips you wanna take, places you want to see, restaurants you want to eat at etc). Yes of course you do get weekends away, you still can travel - but it's harder, more expensive, curtailed in certain ways, comes with some guilt etc. Your dh is right in the sense that there is no "perfect" time, but you seem to have some quite specific and tangible things you want to do before kids. So do them. If you said "I feel like maybe we should be more wealthy" or "more well travelled" then that's a bit different, because how much is "enough". However, you want a girls trip next year, maybe 1 or 2 specific adults holidays etc. List the things, see what seems achievable and when that all starts to come to a conclusion, and plan to start trying then. Kids are really hard work, you need to really want it. They're amazing, but you can't be 50/50 about it!

Only have a baby when you want to throw yourself completely into being a mum. I personally think you have to do everything you want to do before having a baby, because months and months of sleepless nights and crying will be more of a struggle if you are wistful about things you could be doing instead. You are young, you could feel very differently and be ready in even a few years. You don’t sound ready tbh, or even like you are that keen to have a baby, so there’s no rush at all. Don’t just do it because it’s logical, you just don’t need to.

I was very similar to you in that I wasn’t exactly ready but I knew the time was right (married, own home, 33 etc)

However now she is here it is the best decision I ever made. She brings more joy to my life that anything I’ve experienced before. I’m so glad I made the decision to have children.

I will preface that by saying we have two sets of very hands on grandparents and a proactive and supportive husband so I have still been able to have my own life, girls trips, weekends away etc. If you have good support around, you shouldn’t miss out too much on the things you love doing now.

What have you agreed about maternity leave? Support from DH after the baby is born. Paying into your pension…your DHs reaction to these things will help you decide

No offence, but this is TERRIBLE advice.

Mums who wanted babies very much still resent having fuckwit male partners who never give them the same breaks! As they should.

Honestly, I do find this thread a bit baffling. I never ‘knew’ I wanted kids. I accidentally/carelessly got pregnant at 29 and go on with things. Not saying it was ideal…my then boyfriend had a rubbish job at the time but massively stepped up and finally fulfilled his potential by getting the kind of job we needed to support a family. We moved to a rented home nearer my family. Luckily I had a good job with May leave. I was the first of my friends to have a child and honestly it was a massive shock to the system. But that child is 17 next week and the light of my life. I went on to have two more… both times were fairly unplanned but we made it work. We own our own lovely home, the three brothers are the best of friends and all have done well academically. We’ve holidayed together - so no great sacrifice of travel - we’re super close and at 46, I have no regrets. I look at how people over think and just think…it works out. With love and a good work ethic and an ability to adapt…what could be more life enhancing than having kids?

Equally, many others can find your post baffling. For me, nothing could be more life enhancing than being childfree.
There are loads of people who it doesn't work out for, and their child suffers.

Not sure OP is reading replies, regardless.