AIBU to wonder what one could afford as a non-resident parent?

[GlovedhandsCecilia]

To ask what you could afford if you had to split and you were the NRP.

I just worked out that if we were to split, I had to find a new place to live and pay CM, I'd only be able to afford a really bad studio or houseshare once I covered both their and my own necessities. That would mean I couldn't have them stay over.

To get a place I could have them stay over, I'd have to move a distance away that would make it hard to see them in the evenings given the distance, work and pure exhaustion on all sides.

I couldn't even see them every weekend because I have to work some weekends and I feel like at the moment, this job is the best paid job I could get. So if I did swap jobs to see them more, they'd get less CM and be worse off.

How would this situation look for you?

Wouldn’t the resident parent be paying for their own necessities?

I'd be massively better off if I only paid cms like my ex does. We earn similar. He pays me what he has to and has all the rest of his salary to do as he likes. New tech needed, school trip, sports kit, shoes other than school shoes and basic trainers, hobby fees, general teen 'wants' and pocket money...all down to me. If i could ring fence the cms amount, have a smaller house with one fewer bedrooms (he makes them share cos they're hardly there) and only feed me 95% of the time Id be massively better off.

You listed the exhaustion etc that’s just life unfortunately, better living in a smaller place nearby though

Respectfully op, this is not about cms but your own earning potential. Mine has been hammered by being the full time RP with only occasional weekends off. Ex could earn a lot more has he has the flexibility and freedom to do it but chooses not to. I still earn a decent, graduate salary though and cms rates are a joke. If you dont have the kids often you'd have every opportunity to unskill, take a second job, seek promotion etc.

NRP’s tend to be way better off. CM in this country is a joke, most NRP’s get away with paying very little towards their DC. They also generally only have to see them EOW so pay for their food and such 4 days a week compared to 26/7 for the RP. They get off lightly.

Right now, if I had two kids who stayed with me 1-2 nights per week, I'd still be able to afford a mortgage on a three bed house in my area. I'd have to cancel all my nice extras like a gym membership and dance membership and probably won't be able to have my colour done with a hairdresser and go on holidays.
NHS worker living in South West.

The kids and my own necessities.

I wouldn't because I assume I'd have to contribute to our current mortgage until our kids are all over 18.

What could you afford?

Its also the way its calculated. My ex only has them for occasional weekends and bits of holiday so it adds up to the bracket of 1-2 nights a week so he gets a reduction but it doesn't really save me the same amount as if he actually did have them those 1-2 nights every week. If that were true they'd have a hobby on his night, so he'd pay. I could actually do the weekly shop differently. I could commit to a regular work fixture or god forbid hobby class myself.

Just looked at (the pathetic) cms payments I'd be liable for assuming every other weekend.

I'd be able to get a nice local 3 bed with a modest mortgage (about 1k pm) so after bills and cms i'd have about 3-4k fun money

In short I'd be living like a queen....

My dh on the other hand...

No its probably more about living in an expensive area but this is where we are from so, not sure what could be done about that. We cant all earn 100k+ a year. Some of us have to be the parent/school liaison officer for young people with SEN.

Wouldn't you have to contribute to the current mortgage you have with your spouse?

Im a teacher on half what you quoted.

I could only afford to have my kids about 1 night a week, too. But idk id have a place for them to stay.

Nope.. we sold the house.

I'm on just under half of that and would not be able to have a local home for my kids to stay.

I think you should get legal advice.

Go with all of the figures re incomes and outgoings to hand.

You seem to have assumed a lot - you don’t have to pay towards the existing mortgage on top of CM, for example.

I would also think you need to factor in spending quality time with your DC above just being a money making machine, and spending a decent amount of time with them, not just on weekends. Every other weekend and a night during the week is fairly standard for primary aged children (although not everyone does the same, obviously).

This isn’t about my trying to suggest you should be trying to keep every penny you can - even by suggesting unrealistic or unworkable arrangements. The courts’ starting point is the needs of the parties, in particular their housing needs.

Being in the same area where the DC normally live is important.

So go with an open mind to seeing what a workable arrangement might be.

You wouldn't. If your ex wanted to stay on the family home, they would have to buy you out and take over the mortgage.

The arrangement you are referring to is called a Mesher order and is very rare.

You'd, presumably, sell the house or get your ex to buy you out. Otherwise, you are both responsible for the mortgage regardless of the ages of your children.

This is it though isn’t it:

you can’t split one household income into two.

the rp is trapped in the child caring responsibility. Can’t progress their career and earn more unless the ex takes on more parenting. The ex can’t do that as they need to be earning to pay cms and rent, and can’t afford a suitable house to have the children anyway. To build up their lives again, get a house and an appropriate lifestyle for the kids and pay a decent rate of child support is all but impossible. If the rp has gone pt or is a sahm then that’s even harder to get out of the cycle as if the nrp has them more, they get less cms and the bills still need paying while they get their earnings back up.

often the nrp walks away with less as the rp needs a house to have the children, and can’t afford to buy them out so no deposit for their own place, no car to take the children anywhere etc.

sometimes I think both sides are two busy blaming the other - “she took everything” “he doesn’t pay enough” etc that the reality of the logistics is lost.

it’s a tough one. More people need to be aware of the realities of a financial split. It’s hard to start again with kids, whether that’s your career an rp, or your life/housing as a nrp.

Oh I wouldnt want to uproot my kids. We own around here so if we had to sell and buy 2 separate properties, it would never be around here and it would disrupt their whole lives as well as our support network. They wouldn't get a council home for years and renting would ultimately reduce their inheritance.

One person staying in our home with the kids is the way it would be. The other would have to help maintain that home until the kids are out of school.

Yes isnt that the norm for parents of young kids

He couldn't buy me out! Nor could I buy him out. Sustaining the mortgage and one of us renting locally is the only way it would go.

But that's about 200 quid a month. CMS wont be huge unless you have a massive salary in which case you wouldn't be worrying. The resident parent will pay most and non res pays cms and more by choice but if the choice is more money or been able to see the kids and have them stay with you, you should be choosing the situation that's giving you best chance of 50/50