Holiday at the time of grandchild’s birth

[Ferguson0909]

My son is having a second baby in June. They will also have a 23 month old. There is a three day festival in another country I want to go to at that time. I was going to make it into a two week holiday.
they live 350 miles away so I would have to stay in a hotel. They have no other grandparents help.
Would I be unreasonable to go?

I am 72 and generally in excellent health so I can say this. They CANNOT rely on your being able to help. Since this time last year I have had 5 minor ish unrelated illnesses out of nowhere that have each left me unable to leave home for times varying from a week to six weeks, let alone travel to stay in a hotel and go and help with a new baby. Each one came completely out of the blue, I have definitely had my money'sworth out of GP and pharmacy services! I wouldn't say where you should go but its not good sense to rely on you for essential help. Actually I will also say that at our age, we cannot rely on being able to do things next year that we can do this....that's only commonsense too.

This! You need to talk to them first. Surely if they do need help around this time, you can go to the festival next year.

Terrified is a bit of an overreaction! Plenty of women give birth alone or ask a friend.

I'm very self sufficient. We've had almost no other (unpaid) help. The arrival.of the second is just one time that can be really hard.

Neither is any adult child.

This. 100% this.

Realistically I don’t think you can be put on that much given the distance of 300 plus miles. I think you’ll regret not being there. And as your son and DIL I’d question if you wanted to be involved in the baby’s life.

Of course your DIL needs a break from all the cooking and cleaning etc. But your son needs to step up or they need to massively lower their standards. All fed and nobody dead was my motto in the weeks after given birth

I do everything when I am there just to give her a break. Cooking. Cleaning. Childcare. The lot.

A break from what?

Honestly she has one toddler!

Yes she's pregnant atm, but surely if she generally does nothing when you're there she is taking the piss imo.

Yikes, way to be dismissive of women in vulnerable sitiations!

You should have a conversation with your son about this

If it was a one off event I’d say go but don’t turn it into a 2 week holiday, just attend the festival. It’s a regular annual event though so you could and should do it next year instead. I don’t think you should be a doormat but if you’ve agreed to care for your GC while they’re in hospital already, it wouldn’t be fair to leave them in the lurch.

You do everything for them op not just her.
Where's your son in all this why isn't he supporting his wife instead of relying on you to do it .
I'd go to your festival tho perhaps not stay away for 2 weeks , explain to your son you won't be available on them days I'd also say that whilst you are happy to offer limited help and support you won't be doing it all

If DIL can’t cope with one, god help her with two. Why do people do this to themselves?!

It’s really nice to see a well considered, practical decision compared to the usual ultra black or white on here. The festival will be on next year. If she struggles with pregnancy and newborns it’s relatively likely this will be their last child. Go and provide support and bite your tongue for those first few weeks.

Yes, you need to address your boundaries and the support you can and want to give without feeling resentment. It sounds like there are options here - your DS is considering a nanny which would certainly help with the childcare and children’s housework side of things. You can also discuss cleaners ect if things don’t settle down. I’m sure you can get to a place where you can enjoy a great relationship with your grandchildren without feeling like a skivvy.

Wise choice. Perhaps choose carefully what you are happy to do for them if it's making you feel unappreciated, but making sure they have someone to look after the toddler so your son can take her to hospital might be near the top of the priority list. Giving yourself a holiday sounds like a very good idea, just not right then.

I didn’t say they were. This was quoting a post that told the OP she’s “entitled” to meet the child when she gets back.

Im sure the festival would be on again. Its a shame you need fo consider thus at all

Have you asked them? I didn’t want to see anyone when my son was a newborn, others might.

A nanny is a great idea.

Then when you visit, it’s for the fun times.

(and no, a nanny is not a grandparent replacement but nor is it meant to be)

If you were my mother or MIL and you knew we had no other help I'd be very hurt indeed and although I wouldn't make too much of a fuss it would forever alter how I viewed you.

This festival is presumably an annual thing so there will be many other opportunities to go. It's sad that you'd put that above being around to support your son and his wife see your new grandchild at the first available opportunity.

It would say a lot about you as a parent and grandparent if you knew they wanted you there and would benefit from your support and you left and may colour the relationship for the future.

If you were having planned surgery and had asked them for help how would you feel if they then planned a holiday for the same time?

The time for you to try to stop being a doormat would not be this moment imo. If you feel underappreciated make sure you bring it up asap so it can be resolved before their life explodes or leave it for a long while afterward.

Why is she having another one if she can't cope with the one she has? Is she going to keep popping them out for you to look after? You're not getting any younger!

You are massively being taken advantage of. If he is well paid can't he buy in help?

Not when they have an available husband who wants to be there they don't. Unless they are away on a tour of duty or something, it's not the norm. Not having the baby's father present for the birth is something most women would only accept when there wasn't any other choice.

I think you do need to have a conversation with your son before the visit around the birth, as it would be much worse if everything blows up once you’re there.

Starting with - if you want my help in future please ask - none of this assuming you’ll be there.

Second of all, discussing that whilst you do want to take the load off THEM BOTH (your style of posting does suggest you think it’s all DIL’s job as others have said), you’re not coming to be superwoman. You’re happy to help with either the childcare or do a bit of housework for them, not both, but you’re also there for their company.

I agree a nanny sounds a great idea @Ferguson0909

Then grandmother can come and show love and care, but not be entirely dumped on.

If they struggle with housework though, a cleaner might be the first port of call. I’d always want to outsource housework before childcare as the house doesn’t care who cleans it.