Holiday at the time of grandchild’s birth

[Ferguson0909]

My son is having a second baby in June. They will also have a 23 month old. There is a three day festival in another country I want to go to at that time. I was going to make it into a two week holiday.
they live 350 miles away so I would have to stay in a hotel. They have no other grandparents help.
Would I be unreasonable to go?

Ok, fair play OP. That’s a really good summary.

I think the whole neighbour scenario is missing the point.

Giving birth to the second is a really scary time. You want your closest supports around you.

When trusted people let you down at this time, you feel very betrayed.

Well since you say you are 70, I would go on the holiday. Maybe that would be better timing for you to he.p them out when you get back (after son has gone back to work?).

Plus, why on earth are they having a second if she can’t cope with the first? That’s not your responsibility.

I think if you were younger it might be more reasonable to help out but not at 70. It’s your time now!

Read the zillions of posts on here where new mothers want peace after the birth & replies say the grans should leave them alone….unless it’s a planned c section the baby could come at any time therefore the grans should leave might get to see the new baby and go to the festival as well!

Your Son should not be letting you do all the cooking and cleaning when you visit. You can pitch in a bit if you want but thats it.

Assumptions are the mother, or perhaps in this case mother in law, of all fuck ups.

Don’t assume anything. Just ask your son and DIL when the best time to visit would be. There are many reasons they might prefer you to come a bit after the birth, for example, if he has returned to work you can help during the day, if that is what your DIL wants.

If someone can’t cope without help they shouldn’t be having a second!

I don't remember having my second or subsequent babies feeling like a scary time. It was rather exciting and I was just focused on the excitement of meeting my baby and having quiet time with everyone.

Well yes, but if the "unique and special circumstance" only pops up because the perfectly healthy grandmother would prefer to be at a festival that happens every year, it's going to destroy the relationship with the grandmother.

It was terrifying for me, because of the impossible situation I was facing.

There are so many posts on here abouthow daunting the prospect of the second child is.

That's on the selfish and entitled and self-focused son and DIL then.

It would benefit the DIL and son greatly to start thinking about building relationship with a neighbour, someone in a community group or whoever they have connections with. It shouldn't all be on an older GM who lives hundreds of miles away. They need to start building their village. If an emergency happens, they need someone on their doorstep.

No, I had just thought she would be excited to meet her new granddaughter, it just showed me how “excited” she actually was when she booked a 21 day cruise over my due date.

I think you have made the right decision to stay. It sounds like you are their only real support, and I think you would regret going, if your son missed the birth of his baby because they didn't have childcare.

To add my own experience, my PIL went on holiday at the time of my first birth and I think they regretted it. Things did not go smoothly - DC had emergency surgery at 1 day old, and then time in neonatal. We couldn't take phones into the ward, and would come out to 20 missed calls and answer phone messages from them. When we tried to return calls, they would be out somewhere with no signal. It was worrying for them, and the last thing we needed at the time.

Doesn't your son pull his weight? If not, then he needs to get his act together. Not least if you're not as young as you were.

Go and have fun. You're entitled to and you can say hello to your grandchild upon your return.

How often do you go there to help them?

You sound like you really don’t like DIL. I think it’s a bit sad you’d rather go to a festival than be there for the arrival of a grandchild.

I think if your son and DIL want and need you there (presuming you are fit and able to )and there is no alternative support for them at this unique time and the opportunity to attend a festival could happen again id say it may be unreasonable not to be there for your son and his family .
But, i appreciate no one knows your circumstances and lots of factors come into play. The bottom line is its up to you to decide whats reasonable in your situation. i wouldnt judge your decision either way.
If you said: its too much for me and my son and DIL have other support it would be reasonable to go to the festival.
If you said : Im fit,able and would love to help my son and DIL at this special time and ill go to the festival another time id think that reasonable.
Im wondering if you feel its too much and you are looking for an excuse and validation because you feel guilty?
I dont think you need to feel guilty if for whatever reason you cant help on this occassion .

There is no replacement for a GM in the village. And yes, it shouldn't becall on the OP, but as OP herself says, "now is not the time".

And that's a fair call on her part, but the situation isn't sustainable.

I guess, never having had family around, I've just learned a lot of self-sufficiency.

No grandparent is “entitled” to anything

Encourage the idea of a nanny. They don't "replace a grandparent" but they are there to be a long-term, competent, secure presence for the child, leaving you to visit and do the fun bits.

I do agree that looking after a toddler is far more exhausting than cycling 100 miles. You can never relax with an inventive small demon in the house.

It seems the son hasn't even asked. The OP's presence has simply been assumed.

I don’t know why people are talking about neighbours and villages. The DS talked about getting a nanny, but OP was dismissive because a nanny doesn’t love a child like a grandmother. OP now is the time to tell your DS that yes he should get a nanny and a housekeeper. It sounds like you do a lot with one DC, two is double the work. But yes be there for the birth.

This sounds like the issue is with your son. So maybe have words with him. Why is he not doing the cooking and cleaning and giving DIL a break?