Holiday at the time of grandchild’s birth

[Ferguson0909]

My son is having a second baby in June. They will also have a 23 month old. There is a three day festival in another country I want to go to at that time. I was going to make it into a two week holiday.
they live 350 miles away so I would have to stay in a hotel. They have no other grandparents help.
Would I be unreasonable to go?

I think they sound very selfish from what you’ve said, expecting you to drop everything and help when you live so far away.

70 isn’t especially old but I think at 70, if I had the choice between spending time running around after adults, or going to a festival and taking a holiday that I want to go on, it wouldn’t be a hard decision: holiday and festival every single time. You’ve done your bit already.

it doesn’t sound like you like your daughter in law very much or your grandchild. If you want to be there for the birth you should I doubt they take you for granted at all.

My second baby was born with a broken heart and required surgery, a long hospital admission and then frequent appointments etc and we also had a toddler. My husbands paternity leave was while he was still in hospital.

I will never forget the way my in laws, parents and friends stepped in to help. I got a bit tearful when my MIL left. She was absolutely amazing and it gave me new appreciation for her.

Then this is the conversation you need to have with them. The festival is your way of passive aggressively avoiding that conversation. It will be on next year and you could go for 3 days rather than 2 weeks, but this is your way of making the point.

You are 70, an adult, have the conversation around the fact that you are actually not sure you can help as much as they are used to/expecting as you are getting older and struggling - but would like to be there for a few days around the birth to help with 23mo… but can you have a conversation about what they would like and whether you can give them it.

As the MN stalwarts would say: you need to use your words.

My kids will always be my kids. That doesn't mean that I will run around like a skivvy after them, but if I can support them at important moments, I will, for as long as I can.

I would speak to your son and DIL. Ask what they need. Its not very nice knowing you dont have a 'village' at your most vulnerable time. It sounds like they are pretty much on their own in terms of support the majority of the time anyway.

If I was lucky enough to be a grandparent in the future, I would want to help and generally be there to support. However, we are all different. I grew up being pretty much raised by my grandparents though, times are changing. I love and appreciate my grandparents so much now I am an adult.

Weigh up whats more important to you, family and welcoming a new baby, or an event.

You have most likely been asked to visit regularly and for the birth because you have bonded so well with your son's eldest child.
It is that relationship that matters here, it will be a massive change for the toddler and he/she having their loving grandmother around will ensure they are loved and cared for while Mum and Dad are at the hospital.
Cooking and cleaning are nice things to do when you're there but spending time with your grandchild is the priority. Ask your son to order in food if he can afford it. Definitely advise they get a babysitter or a nanny for times you're unavailable.

I’d support my children at the drop of a hat at times like this. The birth of my grandchild is more important than anything in the world to me. Festivals come and go, but precious moments like that will never come back.

On the morning of the birth of my last Ds, I went round to my mums to tell her I was in labour. She was getting ready to go on holiday to a local holiday park about an hour away. She told me she must get on as she was running late and to ring her with any news. I was devastated. 20yrs later I have not forgiven her.

The whole situation sounds very difficult for your DS. I’d never leave my DS at a time like this, I’d want to be there to support him in any way possible. It would be better to have a grown up discussion about what you feel able to do in terms of helping them with the DC, so you don’t feel resentful, than to punish him in his hour of need.

DD’s OH rang me on the day, DD gave birth by Caesarean to go relieve him, while he went home for some food, clean clothes and sleep. Mother and baby were in for a week, due to the baby’s weight loss from feeding problems. OH asked me to go to the hospital every day for 5 - 8 hours, so he could do the laundry, sleep, etc. DD fed the baby, but as she was in too much pain, I did the rest of the baby care, while I was there. OH also asked me to go and help on the day, they were supposed to leave - because maternity is the furthest building away from the car park (up a steep hill).

A friend asked us to go to Taiwan with him over that period and we would have loved to go, but we turned it down in case we were needed in that early few weeks. It’s lucky we did! Seeing and holding new born DGD was magical.

I voted YANBU because I did not really want anyone around immediately after the birth. My mum came to stay for a few days and help a few weeks later. That was my preference. But if you think they really need you it’s a different story. But it sounds like they’re willing to pay for a nanny to support them longer term anyway. It sounds like you don’t want to feel taken for granted but also you don’t like the idea of a nanny. Why is that? An experienced nanny if they can afford it will be a great solution.

Well exactly- they did have a choice!
This happened to DSIL, already providing huge amounts of care with first born and they decided to have another and expected the same level of care. Somehow they all muddled through and SIL has an amazing bond with her DGCs but it hasn’t been easy for her with other family illnesses and ai do wonder if the parents know or care how much they have put on her.

As others have said you need to separate the ask for childcare around the birth and how you help on a 'normal' visit.

Keep your future relationship at the centre of your decision making for this.

My PIL really fucked up when DC2 was born (look on page 3). As a result, we never relied on them for anything else again. We didn't exclude them from anything but neither did we ask them to do anything for us. It was such a shame. Basically they had broken our trust

How often do you visit and how long do you stay for? Maybe you need to reconsider the cadence or duration of visits. You love 300+ miles away so it's not as if they are taking the mick every week

Perhaps you can both go for the birth and also encourage them to get paid help so it’s not all on you going forward. If he can easily afford it, as you say.

My parents live 150 miles away. My first baby came 3 weeks early and they were on holiday and missed the first few days. For my second they were supposed to come down and look after my toddler but the birth was so quick they hadn’t even left home before she was born!

The moral of this is - life is unpredictable! Chances are you can go to the festival and still be as likely or unlikely to be around for the birth. I would talk to them. In their position I would have encouraged you to go to the festival.

My in laws were away both times my children were born. The first the holiday had been booked before the pregnancy was announced so fair enough, the second they booked after the due date was given.

I found it a bit weird but it was fine.

I’m Gen X though. I’ve found that I had to fit in around our parents and am now expected to fit in around my children and grandchildren too. Which is tedious after all these decades to be brutally honest.

Do they want you there? We "used" friends when no.2 was born with no.1 staying overnight with them while the father and I were in hospital. It worked much better than having grandparents hanging around (!).
The grandparents visited for a few days after a couple of weeks, once we were a bit more established and I was feeling slightly more human. BUT our first child was very easy going and their father is the domesticated one in our relationship.

what a complete lack of empathy comment this is! you haven't read the Op's posts obviously and should understand what she is actually saying rather than just jumping in with your biased and frankly stupid comments!

OP already said how much her son does around the home.

You’re 70! There might not be next year if your health declines.

Prioritise yourself for once and let your ADULT children sort themselves out.

I agree I found it much easier once the baby was born. It was chasing a high energy toddler whilst heavily pregnant I found so difficult.

Have a talk with your son (and DIL) about what support they would like from you, at the time the baby is due and going forward. Be clear about what you CAN and cannot commit to. In the nicest possible way, you are 70 years old. Obviously fairly fit, and able to travel atm, but you are still 70 years old. This is the time of life you make every minute count. You say that this isn’t the time to set boundaries, but actually I think it is that time. She’s pregnant, and they need to make a sustainable plan for having two children before they actually have two children to juggle. Once you know, for sure, what they are expecting from you, you can decide what to do about the festival. I wouldn’t mention it, at this stage, but IF they surprise you and say, “oh, we’ve asked DILs sister/ parents to help”, and “we’re thinking we might have a quiet couple of weeks, while DS has paternity leave, but it would be really helpful if you could come up when he returns to work”, then get your ticket. Who knows what next year will bring.u
ETA that you sound like a lovely mum and MIL.

For me this isn’t about help or duty or work. When I had my babies I was desperate to have my mum (and DH his parents) to show them our new baby and be surrounded by their love and happiness.
We would have been gutted that they would prefer to be at a festival than meet a new grandchild straight away.

Perhaps other families are different?

But you just do it anyway. I mean, you have to . :-)