Holiday at the time of grandchild’s birth

[Ferguson0909]

My son is having a second baby in June. They will also have a 23 month old. There is a three day festival in another country I want to go to at that time. I was going to make it into a two week holiday.
they live 350 miles away so I would have to stay in a hotel. They have no other grandparents help.
Would I be unreasonable to go?

I would go to the festival/holiday. Your DIL may not even have the baby until after you get back, but even if she does, a baby will still be a baby a few days later!

You need to prioritise them this year but it would be good to change the dynamics. You travel a long way to then be put to work; if you’d prefer to play with your grandchild(ren) then say so and let the parents do the majority of the cooking and cleaning.

I think it reads like she can’t cope right now and presumably that’s because she’s pregnant? I was so ill when I was pregnant I was completely useless but as soon as I recovered from a very traumatic birth I was fine.

I’m on the fence about this as my DM is sadly deceased and I haven’t had a baby (DS adopted) and there’s not enough info re the overseas event and when it is versus how many weeks she will be plus she has a sister who is capable of looking after toddler but for whatever reason isnt “available” for more than a few hours and her parents are alive but not expected to be able to assist .

I think on what I have I would be having a meaningful conversation with my son about expectations and how you feel .I would also prioritise my own wants/needs and book to go on the event, perhaps not for 2 weeks, - you should get to do what you really want and who knows if it will be on next year or if you will be able to go. If it’s in Europe for example it may be that if baby arrives whilst you are there you “may” at your agreement be able to get back earlier to be with the new family assisting but not working as a dogsbody.
Have a conversation with your son , it sounds like you genuinely care for him and love your grandchild but you will be more and more resentful if you don’t address the issues soonest

good luck and congrats for gc2

Did you live close by and then decide to move 350 miles away?

If not, I think they’re BU to ever expect any help.

Imagine the neighbour posting this on mumsnet. "My neighbour is 8 months pregnant. I don't really know her, but she's been cosying up to me over the past few weeks, and has now asked me if I can look after her toddler whrn she goes into labour. I work full time and have teens of my own. AIBU to say no way?"

Thank god my mum is not like you op. She flew 14000 miles to help me when my child was born.
A festival of all things? You have the energy for that but not to help your kids out for such a significant time for them.

Just remember you're on Mumsnet OP, where a parent having any wants or needs that conflict with what their grown children want of them is a cardinal sin. You need to disown your sense of self and any hopes and dreams to be there at your children's whims.

Whilst I have seen many posts on social media and forums about this I don’t know anyone in real life who set this rule. I said to my DD when she was pregnant we woukd happily go with whatever they wanted. Stay at home, wait at the hospital wait a few weeks to see baby whatever. In the end they asked me to be the second support during labour and it was an amazing experience and they also insisted I have a hold of the baby after them. Mil came up at their invite the day after and then they were back home. I think it may depend on the overall family dynamics and relationships. If it’s good and respectful then most families are happy for family to see the baby early on. If family already overstep and try to control them of course the new parents will react and go the other way.

I made it clear if they wanted me to leave at any point I would go without question. I was there to support them nothing else.

I think it's probably best for future relations not to miss the birth. However I would make your stay intentional in that I would set out how long you are able to stay for whether that be a week or 2 weeks. As a previous poster said I'd be having breakfast in the hotel and leaving for theirs at 10am. I would batch cook when you get there so they have home cooked meals for a while after you leave and they are finding their feet. I would make a point of taking the toddler out for a few hours and giving them both time to solely focus on her rest and recovery as well as getting to know their newborn. I would use the dishwasher if they have one. I would likely not do laundry but run a hoover around every other day if possible. I would leave after the evening meal, giving the kitchen a quick wipe down allowing them to put the toddler into bed themselves

At some point I would speak to your son about not spreading himself to thinly and considering either a nanny or cleaner to help. He ought to take paternity leave and or annual leave to support in the early weeks. If she suffers with her mental health or pre or post natal anxiety then she should be seeking help for it. Her midwives should be aware.

They should consider whether they should have further children if she finds parenting particularly taxing. It is quite frankly stupid to make your own life harder but selfish to then extend that to other people.I would also gently inform him that whilst you love spending time with your grandchild, cooking, cleaning and caring tires you out. There is a reason women do not have children in their 70s and you simply do not have the energy to pick up their slack.

Well, you wouldn't be unreasonable to say no way as the neighbour. I'm just saying that I'd be happy to go out of my way to support a neighbour in this position who found themselves in a difficult situation. If they wait till they are 8 months pregnant to start looking for who could help them with an older toddler though, that's a bit silly on their part. They have 9 months to sort it.

My in-laws were abroad on holiday when most of their grandchildren were born. They are also usually on holiday over their grandchildren’s birthdays. If you want to go, book it. Give them plenty notice.

I would go
Honestly
My mum passed away at 70. And was ill for a few years before that too.
I can't fathom people not realising that grandparents need to take advantage of their health and freedom.
I wish wish mum didn't prioritise us so much and enjoyed herself a little more.

Please go, hopefully you'll be back in time
But if not
You'll be gone for less than a week!

I told my mother my due date, I naturally assumed that she would want to be around at that time. She felt taken for granted at that assumption and decided to put her foot down-our relationship never recovered.

The birth of a grandchild is not the time to try and make or prove a point. However you’re feeling, it’s obviously been festering for a little while- now is absolutely not the time to try and do something about it.

I didn’t want help-I just assumed she would want to be around.

What do you think will happen if you go away Op?

I mean it's not for long & your son can be at home.

2 adults, 1 baby, 1 toddler!

Would you really? Do you work? What would your employer say about you missing work to take care of the neighbour's kid?

Very interesting poll. Around 2/3 say I should not go and 1/3 say I should go. This is a bit different from the comments where it is around 50:50.
i think what is more important however, is that the reasons not to go are more convincing. Eg. Damage future relationships.
i do need to address the fact that i am taken so much for granted. But this is not the time.

Where are they in all this?

I think this is an excellent summary.

Do you mean you couldn’t get over her telling you no?

you didn’t ask her at all. Just assumed. It’s worse than people hinting 🙄

If I said to my boss my neighbour knocked on the door at 2am to look after their kid because they’d gone into labour, my boss would probably ask for their address and send them some flowers for when they got out of hospital and tell me to crack on.

My work is flexible as I'm in a full time caring role for a disabled family member right now, so I have flexible working from home employment. But I'm always busy. I would tell them that I could care for the toddler but it's possible the child would have to come with me to an appointment, if I have to be at one that day. If they aren't happy with those terms, they find someone else.

Go and ask on Gransnet. See if it differs.

Most people would be understanding of unique and special circumstances popping up.

When I was a toddler I had an accident and the neighbour drove me and my mother to the hospital. I'd like to think communities are still kind in this way.

Well the baby will still be there in 2 weeks when she returns.