AIBU to feel sad about my son marrying young and changing surname?

[Cathryoi]

Hi all, so my DS is 23, 24 in August. He’s in the first year of his training contract on the path to becoming a qualified solicitor we are very proud of him.
He has been with his girlfriend who is 22, almost 23 since they were 15/16 (she was in Y11 and he Y12). They got engaged over a year ago and are getting married in the summer.

I feel so sad that they will be both so young while getting married, at just 23! I’m also quite sad that DS is giving up his name entirely in favour of her late mums maiden name (she’s also giving up her current surname).
They aren’t having a massive wedding or anything but I just imagined life a bit differently for them.

AIBU to feel sad they are getting married so young and sad that DS is giving up his name entirely?

Because he loves her? And it’s about time we swapped the nonsense back to not only keeping the male surname?

You’ve missed my point. Doesn’t matter what name she chooses for herself.

I could call myself Lightbulb, Tulipsniffer or Murgatroyd and nobody has any right to an opinion on that.

No I’m with you, OP. My mum got married at 22 (back in 1967) and whilst their marriage did last until my dad passed, she absolutely thinks she got married far too young.
I’ve changed SO much since I was 22/23. If I’d been married then, I’d almost certainly be divorced now regardless of how in love we were as I’m just not the same person I was back then.

No, you met the societal expectation because you were born with a vagina. Good girl!.

I think those of us that push back at such sexist traditions would be burned at the stake were it still allowed.

Presumably so they have a 'family name'.
DH wouldn't have minded taking my name, or me taking his. But it was very important to us that we had the same name as each other and as our children

My surname from birth isn't very nice, both my brother and I got bullied for it. Neither of us wanted our children to go through this, so I changed mine to my husbands and my brother changed to his wife's name.

Why? I am a different person to who I was at 22 but so is my husband - we aged together. We grew closer together not apart

Well that’s great for you but it’s not the same for everyone! What I’m saying is that what & who I liked 20 years ago, is nothing close to what & who I like now and I imagine the same would apply to men!

Both are possible.
My parents married early 20's, still happily married in their 70's. My 2 friends who married early 20's are now both divorced, they changed and grew apart

I’ll get torn to shreds for saying this but, say something to him tactfully, OP. I think you might regret it later, if you don’t. I’m getting major ‘appeasing the woman he loves’ vibes from this though of course, I hope I’m wrong.

I married at 23 to my then boyfriend from the age of 16.
We have been married 46 years this year and I changed my name 😃

Same risk in any marriage though.

Well obviously but thats the point- it’s 50:50. No reason at all to suggest that someone at 23 is in any way too young to get married and is likely to have a worse marriage outcome than someone at 33 or 43. It is just chance whether you grow together or apart during your lifetime.

I’ve changed too (married at 22 still married to same man at 68) - so has he. Still no regrets about marrying the man I met when I was 19. We’ve grown and changed together - and sure there have been tough times but we have got through them. I’m really struggling with the idea that adults at 23 are too young to make this life choice.

I am struggling too. Everyone changes all their life. We don’t reach age 35 and stop changing. So I am also strugglng with the rationale that says someone is too young to marry because they will change and that this change will definitely mean they won’t love their husband or wife anymore.

But you change much more from your teens twenties until your middle aged years.

And the OP's son didn't meet & get with his fiancée in his 20's but when he was 15/16 - that's the issue not getting married at 23. Everyone seems to keep missing this and focussing on him being 23 rather than the fact they are each marrying their first and only partner.

What’s wrong with marrying your first and only partner? It’s worked out fine so far for me and DH. Been together over 27 years, married for 25 years. We were 20 and 22 when we married in our final year of university.

Well unfortunately there's a huge chance they'll be divorced in 5-10 years, and he can take his family name back then.

We are definitely not the same people we were as young teens or mid twenties. We’re in our mid/late 30s now.
Still very much in love, sex has got better in our 30s!
We often say to each other that we are lucky we found each other early on! It’s a positive rather than a negative! We’ve grown up together! Our relationship isn’t hard work, we don’t have baggage from previous relationships.
We have our own group of friends and some mutual friends.

We’ve got friends who are late 30s/early 40s who are still trying to find their person and I really wouldn’t want to change places with them as it’s tough!

If you meet young, you can grow together. It's not a given that they will grow apart as they get older. My parents married at 21 - they had 55 wonderful years together. I met my dh at 18 - we've had our ups and downs (as does everyone) but have been mostly happily married for 26 years now.
Anyone can grow apart from a spouse, whether they marry at 23 or 43.

If it ain't broke don't fix it!

What on earth makes you think she just wants an interesting name? That's so dismissive.

Do you think women who change names are saying that thier previous names mean nothing?

What is the issue with marrying your first and only partner?
To me they have been in a successful long term relationship for at least 7 years. That is more than enough time to know of you want to marry or not.

Because you’re committing to someone you’ve been with since you were fifteen or sixteen, with no basis for comparison.

That’s not really true. You have a basis for comparison in terms of ideals and what you have been taught are hallmarks of a healthy relationship. You also have the comparison you can draw from the couples around you and their relationships.

You don’t need to fuck around to find out that you have found your person.

I don’t really agree. I think Ive changed very little since I met my husband at 17. I still hold exactly the same views about almost everything, still like the same music, still have the same political views, and my husband is much the same. If you meet the right person, I don’t think it matters how young or old you are or how many previous relationships they’ve had - if you’re lucky enough to find the right person for you, the age doesn’t matter

Why do I need to compare when I've found someone who loves me as much as I do them, treats me incredibly well and is just an all round fabulous person?