AIBU to feel sad about my son marrying young and changing surname?

[Cathryoi]

Hi all, so my DS is 23, 24 in August. He’s in the first year of his training contract on the path to becoming a qualified solicitor we are very proud of him.
He has been with his girlfriend who is 22, almost 23 since they were 15/16 (she was in Y11 and he Y12). They got engaged over a year ago and are getting married in the summer.

I feel so sad that they will be both so young while getting married, at just 23! I’m also quite sad that DS is giving up his name entirely in favour of her late mums maiden name (she’s also giving up her current surname).
They aren’t having a massive wedding or anything but I just imagined life a bit differently for them.

AIBU to feel sad they are getting married so young and sad that DS is giving up his name entirely?

It's incredible how often anything to do with women not taking the husband's surname inspires people to completely make things up.

In just the last few posts, we've had someone claim DILTB thinks this is a feminist mic drop when the only information OP has given about reasoning relates to her late mother's Italian heritage. Someone else claimed that she expected him to take the name, again with no basis, and the only expectation we've been told about is OPs. And another poster has a fully fleshed out surname/2nd wife future kids scenario, again invented.

He'll be halfway through a professional qualification and they're likely to buy outright once he's finished. If you think they're too young to get married, it's not because of mortgages.

Yes it’s young for marriage nowadays, but you should feel happy for them.

It’s a bit different to change surnames but that’s what they have decided so you have to get on with it and look forward to being a nice supportive MIL.
They must be excited about the future so it’s time to bury these feelings and celebrate with them.

Same.

She isn’t doing it for feminism.
I believe the reason is, her mother was Italian and had a distinctly Italian surname. DS fiancé is very very proud of her Italian roots and wants to honour this.
Im fine with that I’m just unsure why DS feels the need to do it too.

If she was changing her name to your son’s I bet you wouldn’t question why.

It’s particularly funny to see the vituperatively misandrist midwife chime in thus.

I hate this bullshit, misogynistic take that somehow men own all names and women who keep their own names after marriage are just choosing their father's or grandfather's name instead of their husband's. It's bullshit. Women have just as much entitlement to and ownership over their names, whether they're the ones they're born with, the ones that come from their family heritage, or the ones they choose after marriage. Men don't own names.

Yes. I’m not responsible for the patriarchal decisions that governed names in my culture before I was born. I own my birth name. It’s not my ‘maiden’ name or some kind of starter name. It’s the name I was born with. It’s mine on the same basis that DH’s name is his. DS has both our names.

I think it’s lovely!

YANBU- way to young to get married or even be in a long term relationship.

As for the name thing YABU as its really not that big a thing.

I met husband at 19, engaged at 22, married at 24. Had both children by the time we were 30. Almost 30 years later very blissfully happy. Some people meet their life partner early and some late. I’d be thrilled if my children did the same.
as for surname, who cares honestly? It doesn’t change who they are. We accept that daughters are likely to change their names when marry so why should we care of sons do it too.

editing to add- we both were doing professional exams as well. I did one exam on the Monday and got married on the following saturaday!

So what? I fell in love with my DH at 19. I hardly think it would have been conducive to my happiness to dump him because I was ‘too young’ . I love the fact we have spent our entire adult lives together and thank my lucky stars I nabbed him before anyone else got to him!

I think I would feel a pang if any of my children changed their name - I know it's silly but it would feel like a bit of a rejection of our old family unit. It's also massively hypocritical of me because I did change my own name when I got married and I'm a bit sorry now because it was mine and I ought to have kept it!
But I recognise the discomfort would be an emotive response, not rooted in logic or reason. I do think that your son and dil's circumstances (honouring her late mum) is actually rather beautiful and that would make it okay with me, I think.

Some 23 year olds are very mature and there's no real reason why their marriage won't work out - I met my dh at 18 and we are still together. At 23 I was a mum - I knew what I was going! A person can get married much later and it still not work out - arguably older people are more set in their ways as individuals and might struggle more to grow together or compromise? Idk, there are no guarantees in life.

Try to be happy that he's happy - there are far worse things your kids can do than get married a bit young!

“Unsure why he feels the need to do it too”

If you have a daughter would you feel the same way if it were her in this situation rather than your son? Would you think “I don’t see why she feels the need to have the same surname as her husband and children”? I highly doubt it, which just means it’s sexism.

I feel exactly the same after meeting my husband at 19 - I just got lucky! Almost 3 decades later and he’s definitely still a catch.

Ah, it's natural to worry about your kid but honestly, you've obviously done a great job with him! Relax and enjoy the wedding!

sounds like she is doing it to have a cooler more interesting surname than her current surname.

Could be argued your son changing his name to the Italian one is cultural appropriation.

Seems to me like a the relationship is her way or the high way, which id be slightly worried about.

Are they putting something in the water in your local area or what?

Any one of us could choose a different name for any reason or none in the next 5 minutes because we feel like it. Snarking about a young woman who has faced a significant loss choosing that name as her own is pretty disgusting.

And your comment about cultural appropriation is so far off the mark as well. The son wants to share a name with his wife. He doesn’t care what it is, but it is important to her to use her mother’s name. So that’s what he is changing to.

When I divorced (twenty years ago), my children asked if they could take my name. The problem was that I was totally bushed (divorce) and said that it was something to deal with at a later date. They still have his ridiculous surname as do I. I wish that I had made the change, but it was a step too far then.

The name thing seems daft-I get challenging the patriarchy, but keeping a name/taking a mum's maiden name, well that was still a male name carried down the male line until then.
If she was known (professional/Lady something etc) maybe that's different, but otherwise I don't think it's a big deal.
Marrying young? People used to, and it worked out better. Plus you're more likely to be able to be involved with your grandkids, if they have them, so as long as she's nice, this I's celebrate.

Can you confirm when we will consider names to belong to women in the way they apparently do for men, please? Had expected it would be far before 2026 but it seems not. This decade, do we think? Is it that we can’t be trusted with them or something? Is it not time to let this sexist bollocks go now?

I think the name was chosen because she thinks it will make them more interesting.

I'd be more upset at my son telling me his name means nothing to him than the changing of it to be honest - that is incredibly hurtful.

Presumably she already is using her mother's name if she wants to change it to her mother's maiden name?

Would you say that to a daughter? My maiden name didn’t particularly mean anything to me and was happy to change it