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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel sad about my son marrying young and changing surname?

562 replies

Cathryoi · 06/04/2026 20:19

Hi all, so my DS is 23, 24 in August. He’s in the first year of his training contract on the path to becoming a qualified solicitor we are very proud of him.
He has been with his girlfriend who is 22, almost 23 since they were 15/16 (she was in Y11 and he Y12). They got engaged over a year ago and are getting married in the summer.

I feel so sad that they will be both so young while getting married, at just 23! I’m also quite sad that DS is giving up his name entirely in favour of her late mums maiden name (she’s also giving up her current surname).
They aren’t having a massive wedding or anything but I just imagined life a bit differently for them.

AIBU to feel sad they are getting married so young and sad that DS is giving up his name entirely?

OP posts:
aquashiv · 08/04/2026 08:18

I will never marry because I think it's a bad contract, and I won't change my name. I think it's a great idea; he sounds like a modern man. Wish them well and stop judging, and as a solicitor, he won't get shafted.

ainsleysanob · 08/04/2026 08:22

Janblues28 · 08/04/2026 06:55

I'd be a bit gutted too. I have friends who got married to their boyfriends from school and now we are reaching 40 alot of then are getting divorced. I just think you only get 1 life and limit yourself so much by marrying young. I was in a long term relationship with my boyfriend from school since the age of 17. I was totally besotted with him but also had a burning career ambition so broke it off at 20 to go to uni. I would never have had the career I've had or travelled so much or moved abroad had I stayed. Your 20s should be for living, plenty of time to settle down later. I know alot of people will disagree but I think unless you are a plodder or someone who's happy to stay in their comfort zone then I would not get married so young. People change so much from 20s to 30s, I think by the time you're mid 30s you have a better idea of what you want but 20s should be for figuring it out on your own terms.

Tell me one thing I missed out on by marrying at 22?!

Other than the nobs of other men, which incidentally I found terribly disappointing in the years before my husband!

Butchyrestingface · 08/04/2026 08:27

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 06/04/2026 20:29

YANBU . I totally understand your point of view. I would be gutted if my 23 year old son got married to his girlfriend now. Everyone I know , except one couple, who got married in their early twenties is now divorced I suspect that if your son got divorced later he would go back to his original surname.

He may not. It would be a complete ballache to be known under one name professionally and then change it. So even if he changed back legally, he may opt to keep the married name professionally.

BewareoftheLambs · 08/04/2026 08:28

Janblues28 · 08/04/2026 06:55

I'd be a bit gutted too. I have friends who got married to their boyfriends from school and now we are reaching 40 alot of then are getting divorced. I just think you only get 1 life and limit yourself so much by marrying young. I was in a long term relationship with my boyfriend from school since the age of 17. I was totally besotted with him but also had a burning career ambition so broke it off at 20 to go to uni. I would never have had the career I've had or travelled so much or moved abroad had I stayed. Your 20s should be for living, plenty of time to settle down later. I know alot of people will disagree but I think unless you are a plodder or someone who's happy to stay in their comfort zone then I would not get married so young. People change so much from 20s to 30s, I think by the time you're mid 30s you have a better idea of what you want but 20s should be for figuring it out on your own terms.

Interesting, dh and I met as teens and married in our early-mid twenties. We've learnt together, travelled together, moved abroad together, grown together. Neither of us feels we've missed out on anything or that it has limited us in any way.

Missj25 · 08/04/2026 08:29

Cathryoi · 06/04/2026 20:19

Hi all, so my DS is 23, 24 in August. He’s in the first year of his training contract on the path to becoming a qualified solicitor we are very proud of him.
He has been with his girlfriend who is 22, almost 23 since they were 15/16 (she was in Y11 and he Y12). They got engaged over a year ago and are getting married in the summer.

I feel so sad that they will be both so young while getting married, at just 23! I’m also quite sad that DS is giving up his name entirely in favour of her late mums maiden name (she’s also giving up her current surname).
They aren’t having a massive wedding or anything but I just imagined life a bit differently for them.

AIBU to feel sad they are getting married so young and sad that DS is giving up his name entirely?

Ah OP try not to feel sad , I know you can’t help how you feel but it is a lovely thing that he is doing really , taking his wife to be mothers maiden name & she is changing her surname too .
My daughter is 24 , her partner is 28 .
They are together since she is 18 .
He has a very successful business where we live , she has her own candle making business, she does very well to be fair, & she works in a health store part time .
They are both very happy , touring Thailand for 5 weeks at the min , they travel a lot & really enjoy life .
They speak of marriage & kids already.
None of us can see what the future holds but can only hope it all works out for them .x

ImWearingPantaloons · 08/04/2026 08:33

Sorry OP, this isn’t about you. I personally think early 20s is too young to marry as a person should be building a career, travelling and having fun in that decade but he’s an adult now, and able to make his own choices.

BewareoftheLambs · 08/04/2026 08:34

ImWearingPantaloons · 08/04/2026 08:33

Sorry OP, this isn’t about you. I personally think early 20s is too young to marry as a person should be building a career, travelling and having fun in that decade but he’s an adult now, and able to make his own choices.

Why would marriage prevent that?

KayMarie121 · 08/04/2026 08:58

The couples I know who loved each other since childhood, including my own parents, are the ones who made it.

I know 3 such couples- they’ve only had eyes for each other, and you can see they only will. That to me is worth celebrating that they support each other, know each other, and no matter what they come first to each other. No relationship hopping, changing your mind, playing the field, hurting others. Just steady and sure love, respect and life building.

embrace it.

Bitchcraft · 08/04/2026 08:59

My brother got together with his now wife when they were 15-16. She already had a child at that point. They had two babies in quick succession and everyone predicted they wouldn't last. They are in their mid 40s now and happily together. They ended up getting married in their late 20s I think. Seems to me they are still going strong!

Whereas I waited ages to marry my very longtime partner and we're getting divorced now after 10 years of marriage. You can't predict this stuff I'm afraid.

JoaoJoao · 08/04/2026 09:01

KayMarie121 · 08/04/2026 08:58

The couples I know who loved each other since childhood, including my own parents, are the ones who made it.

I know 3 such couples- they’ve only had eyes for each other, and you can see they only will. That to me is worth celebrating that they support each other, know each other, and no matter what they come first to each other. No relationship hopping, changing your mind, playing the field, hurting others. Just steady and sure love, respect and life building.

embrace it.

But that’s what the OP doesn’t want for her child! Staying together is no indication of it having been a good choice!

Witknit · 08/04/2026 09:02

I agree. It sounds to your great credit, like you've raised such a lovely and considerate lad, hes hardly jumping into this in haste.
You are rightly proud and this should extend to this decision.
Dont ruin it. Be the best mum and MiL and not THAT other person that we read about so often.
Be full of joy for them and enjoy the day

IrishSelkie · 08/04/2026 09:07

Yabvu
23/24 is not “so very young” and it’s actually good that your son is man enough to make a commitment to a young woman. I have just been to a funeral of a friend who I thought had married his wife, she was always introduced as such, for the last 17 years. But, no they never married. He was in a work accident 7 years ago that left him needing 24hr round the clock care, which she eventually gave up her career to do herself. He passed away at the young age of 41 and lo and behold his parents inherited everything of his. Before the funeral, they showed up and kicked this poor woman out of her home. She has been homeless and couch surfing while desperately trying to find work after a 6 year gap of being her partners full time carer.

Marriage is what kind, well brought up men offer to young women they truly want to share their life with and ensure they are taken care of if they die early.

ainsleysanob · 08/04/2026 09:10

JoaoJoao · 08/04/2026 09:01

But that’s what the OP doesn’t want for her child! Staying together is no indication of it having been a good choice!

Show quote history

He is not a child.

There is no point in OP or anyone else bleating on about what she wants for her adult son. It has and never will have again, have anything to do with her. Nothing. So she can either have the titty lip on about it and drive her son away or she can put on her big girl pants, realises it’s not her life and move on.

JoaoJoao · 08/04/2026 09:11

IrishSelkie · 08/04/2026 09:07

Yabvu
23/24 is not “so very young” and it’s actually good that your son is man enough to make a commitment to a young woman. I have just been to a funeral of a friend who I thought had married his wife, she was always introduced as such, for the last 17 years. But, no they never married. He was in a work accident 7 years ago that left him needing 24hr round the clock care, which she eventually gave up her career to do herself. He passed away at the young age of 41 and lo and behold his parents inherited everything of his. Before the funeral, they showed up and kicked this poor woman out of her home. She has been homeless and couch surfing while desperately trying to find work after a 6 year gap of being her partners full time carer.

Marriage is what kind, well brought up men offer to young women they truly want to share their life with and ensure they are taken care of if they die early.

Snort. Thank heaven’s the rest of us have moved past the time when dinosaurs walked the earth and marriage was something men ‘offered’ women.

piccalili · 08/04/2026 09:19

If she’s devout catholic maybe the rush to be married is also to do with having sex?!? Or they could just be madly in love. Either way it’s not something you have control over - he is an adult and you have to let him follow his own heart.

KayMarie121 · 08/04/2026 09:23

JoaoJoao · 08/04/2026 09:01

But that’s what the OP doesn’t want for her child! Staying together is no indication of it having been a good choice!

Show quote history

Well- young love is just the same as old love isn’t it? I don’t know. My son is 26, has a perfect partner who he has had for just 4 years, and I wish he’d met her a long time ago. If they got married tomorrow it’s because they want to travel and have fun together, not apart. Marriage doesn’t mean giving up on life.

IrishSelkie · 08/04/2026 09:35

JoaoJoao · 08/04/2026 09:11

Snort. Thank heaven’s the rest of us have moved past the time when dinosaurs walked the earth and marriage was something men ‘offered’ women.

Show quote history

That’s what my friend’s couch surfing partner thought too. Look where that left her. The legal status of a concubine or comfort woman. Snort all you want. Marriage has protections for women.

JoaoJoao · 08/04/2026 09:44

IrishSelkie · 08/04/2026 09:35

That’s what my friend’s couch surfing partner thought too. Look where that left her. The legal status of a concubine or comfort woman. Snort all you want. Marriage has protections for women.

Show quote history

It has protections for the partner with less money. Thank heavens it’s 2026 and nothing means this has to be the woman.

LHP118 · 08/04/2026 10:01

With the little you've shared, many congratulations to having a son and his soon-to-be bride who are on the path to success but are also all about family. I'd be so proud and do everything I could to be there for them as they need me to be.

Thistimearound · 08/04/2026 10:06

Not refuting what the OP is saying but you just can’t win can you?
•Women should change their name to their husband’s name; but
• They should also all keep their own names and give their children the maternal name as anything else is unfeminist
• Double barrelling is a good option
• Double barrelling is ridiculous as your child will find it too long and then what happens when they have their own children? how long will these names get?

At the same time,
• getting married young is ridiculous and it’s not 1950 anymore
• but also you need to make sure you’re not a 30 year old who is unmarried and lives with their parents, as this is pathetic
• people shouldn’t have children in their twenties as they are unlikely to be stable
• if they leave it too late it’s their fault if they have fertility issues

I reckon really, if they seem happy, like they have a vague life plan, go for it?

Bridewel1 · 08/04/2026 10:14

YNBU, but then I get it’s ok to be a little concerned, since you always worry and hope for the best for your kids. But from what you’ve said they’ve been together for a while and he's starting a career. And regarding the name change that’s his choice. So he seems to be on a good path so what more could you want? I’d rather this than a son with no prospects who stays at home into his thirties. You should be glad and proud got his life sorted.

cinnamontroll · 08/04/2026 10:21

Gross. I can tell you are one of those boy mums. I say this as a mum to a grown son too. I married at 22 and so was my DH. We’re still married. Get a grip OP.

stresshousemove · 08/04/2026 10:25

I think this is a great chance for him OP. I’m in my mid 40s and divorced (from someone I met when I was 28) and it is very much my regret that I didn’t marry my first boyfriend.

mrsCtheRed · 08/04/2026 10:30

To be honest OP, I think that you are being unreasonable.
It's very touching that they will both take her late Mum's maiden name, and it sounds like they are a lovely young couple with their heads screwed on.

FallenNight · 08/04/2026 10:32

I wish I had met and married my DH earlier. We could have travelled a lot more together before we had Children and STILL had Children younger than we did which means we would have fitted a whole lot more life in together by the age we are now and would be looking forward to a retirement with independent children at a younger age.