AIBU to feel sad about my son marrying young and changing surname?

[Cathryoi]

Hi all, so my DS is 23, 24 in August. He’s in the first year of his training contract on the path to becoming a qualified solicitor we are very proud of him.
He has been with his girlfriend who is 22, almost 23 since they were 15/16 (she was in Y11 and he Y12). They got engaged over a year ago and are getting married in the summer.

I feel so sad that they will be both so young while getting married, at just 23! I’m also quite sad that DS is giving up his name entirely in favour of her late mums maiden name (she’s also giving up her current surname).
They aren’t having a massive wedding or anything but I just imagined life a bit differently for them.

AIBU to feel sad they are getting married so young and sad that DS is giving up his name entirely?

I read a post last night where a 22 year old bloke was sitting up petrified of being forced to go and get his boots dirty in Iran.

Maybe be glad that your kid has an ounce of common sense and reality 😂

her late mums maiden name, is her grandfathers name.

And?

You don't actually know that.

Are you just desperate to point out the male origins of names? We're aware of the patriarchy thanks.

I'm pointing out its not the feminist mic drop the daughter in law thinks it is.

I think the name was chosen because the mother passed, not to own the patriarchy?

A) not necessarily
B) women own names as well as men. Her mother’s birth name was her mother’s name. You don’t have to go back to find whichever man gave it to her.

The extrapolation of this is that I should be perfectly happy to identify as related (by contract) to the world to DH’s father than my own. Fuck that.

They both sound pretty great tbh. Let him live his own way, there are so many different ways to be happy.
If you changed your name when you got married then YABU on that front.

Marrying at that age, isn't the worst thing in life.

I can appreciate your feeling re his name. It's a big, unexpected change. Could he retain his own name, adding it to the MIL name? It's the norm in Italy for women to keep their surname after marriage

Why do you need to point that out?

🤣🤣🤣 it protects both partners.

The surname change is a lovely way of honouring her late mother and making her a part of the marriage. It is a very young age to marry but it sounds like they've been together for a good amount of time. I do get your feeling that you wish maybe he'd had more of a wild youth before settling down, just from a perspective of living a big life BUT - and this is a big but - his career ambitions and dedication to a decent job and commitment to a life with someone he loves is a huge credit to him as a stable, content human being. And the earning power he'll have in his chosen profession give me confidence that they'll have a good quality of life and have the option to travel and have lovely experiences.

My husband and I moved in together in our early twenties and first dated in our teens (not the whole way through though!) and we had our children young-ish in our 20s. Sure, I saw friends travelling, living abroad, having their wild times but now we're in our 40s with ours working, about to go to uni, being more independent, and we've got so much more freedom than those same friends who've just done the kids and home thing a couple of decades later. We're still together, still have fun. We married after a couple of kids but we'd been living as married that whole time.

I had friends at the time who were disapproving of me getting pregnant in my 20s, of "settling" for a guy I met in school etc. But he's my guy. We have a fabulous life. Our kids are bright and friendly and good people. We're close with family and have lots of amazing friends. We have fun experiences, go abroad, to festivals, enjoy spending time together and apart.

Maybe it's just different to what you had in mind but please embrace it and enjoy it.

You’ve really grasped there haven’t you? Pathetic 😂

Her mum has passed away, she’s very young to go through that. Maybe she wants to carry on her memory.

Would also be interested to see the name, some English names are pretty shit. Maybe they’d rather be called Rossi or Ferrari than Nutter or Picklebottom

My husband and I met on his first day of uni. I was a year older. Got together the following to, married when he was 23. Two beautiful children later we're still in love 42 years later. We've had a million adventures along the way.

The following year! Oops

My Son got with his girlfriend at 15. They bought a house together at 22 & had a baby at the age of 23. Married a year later which was 3 years ago & now have baby number 2 on the way. I'm so proud of them for al they have achieved. They both have good degrees, jobs & work hard. Please be happy for your Son & his wife to be. Just because they're young doesn't mean they'll miss out on life they'll just do it together. My Son & his wife are best of friends & have grown together making a life they both want.

Yes, it is young to settle down. But looking on the bright side at least she’s not pregnant, now that would be a problem as he’d be tied to her forever then.

I’d be disappointed that he wasn’t keeping the family name. I wouldn’t stay quiet about that. If she wants to take on a family name it’s up to her, but she can’t expect your son to do it too.

You’re not being unreasonable to be mildly sad or disappointed. Anyone saying you’re unreasonable for having feelings is probably around my age (29) and belong to the individualism club who love to go no contact with anyone who disagrees with them.

You’re only unreasonable if you act on your sadness. I’m a mother of a 2.5 year old and pregnant with my next so I’m miles off where you are now but I would like both my children to marry above 25 when they’re prefrontal cortex is developed. With that said, I got married at 24 when my husband was 28 and we only met when I was 21. We are one of the happiest couples I know in real life if I’m being completely honest. I think it’s okay to feel disappointed about the name since it’s likely the same as yours but how beautiful that they’re honouring her late mother. I think that’s so sweet and that’s coming from someone who very traditionally changed my name to my husbands and I’m very happy with my decision.

I moved abroad after getting married, my family miss my children, they miss me being home, but we get home as often as possible. We had to make the best choice for our family and my husband has great work opportunities abroad and less so in the UK. My point being is, they wouldn’t have chose to have me 2 planes away at all times but they never ever asked me not to do it. I hope to show the same support to my own children if they decide to make choices I would not have chosen for them when they’re older too. It’s okay to feel slightly down about it for a fleeting moment, but pick yourself back up and support them to the max because your relationship will thrive because of it.

Hope they have a beautiful wedding and a wonderful marriage OP.

Having got married to my first husband at 20 and he was 24, I must admit I wouldn't do it again given my time over. I realise I was too young, and this was in the 70's when it was much more normal. But it can and does work. Anyway, they sound far more grounded than I was.

Who said she ‘expects him to do so’? And so what if she does? Millions of men have expected their wives to since Jesus was a boy. Why would you be disappointed?

@ainsleysanob Nobody should be expected to change their name, or title, upon marriage. I wouldn't have married a man who did (and I changed neither).

I understand how you feel about his age. They have been together a while though, so he probably feels she's the one for him. No need to wait any longer.

Regarding the surname, I also understand your feelings.

Well they’re going to be married so a pregnancy isn’t really out of the question.

But all this nonsense about being tied down and stunted from settling down early - is this coming from single people then? Because if it’s all so terrible, it begs the question why anyone would do it at any age.

My husband and I got married when I was 19, he was 23. Still together 57 years later!

Gosh I can’t believe that people think that 23 is not particularly young to get married! You have zero life experience, probably haven’t properly qualified for a job and possibly haven’t got enough money behind you to put down a deposit on a house.