AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

Nobody else has yet mentioned that a separated or divorced man with kids falls in love super deep and super quick with a woman with her own home.
This is often mentioned on here at the same time a cocklodger and the need to find a nanny with a Fanny.

I am not seeing much evidence that he loves anything else about you, just the rent free house you provide. And thinking about it, his bills would be very similar if he lived in his own home.

Take off those rose coloured spectacles and ditch the idea this is your last chance, and really check if this is actually a partnership of equals or one person taking advantage of the others financial stability ie being a home owner.

What? You are living with your DP in an equal adult relationship and you feel it's "unfair" to take his money? What on earth is that about?

Well whatever you decide
don’t for fucks sake marry him

he will walk off with half of your house when the hard work with his kids have been done and he can get another woman to fund him

honestly on your to fucking nice

ive been married 30 years
and DH & I kept our houses and never really blended the family unit

and you know what we are the only couple who are still together - all our friends have divorced restarted 2 -3rd families with more kids
yet they all laughed when we said we were not moving in with each other full time while the kids were young

Ultimately if men were really decent fathers and partners they would not be single. Women rarely ditch decent fathers of their children for flimsy reasons. If Women just kept that in mind there would be a lot less "blended families"

Thank you. I don’t want him to contribute to mortgage. It is my house and I have always made it clear that I don’t want him to have even a notional stake in it by paying towards mortgage. Which is why he only pays bills.

But if OP was taking rent from him she’d be shot down as people would say he’d have a potential claim on her property if they split. You just can’t win.

For what it’s worth OP, you are taking a massive battering on here. I think you need to sit down with him and talk it all through properly. If he’s not willing to talk then I’d probably be asking him to start saving to leave.

OP if you sat him down and said something like the following, what do you think he’d say? ‘I love you but I think we made a mistake moving in together. I’m less happy living together than I was living apart and it has harmed our relationship.’ Then lay out your non-negotiables (eg living apart).
You both need a certain level of robustness and honesty if all parties are going to be accommodated, you can’t have one person tiptoeing around the other(s).

I bet he doesn’t! Wise up!

I think this is where I’m at. We have pretty much already had this conversation but it ended in stalemate. I will try again.

That's his problem. Why should you be eternally unselfish? You have to live your life and you are not at the moment. You'd be better off living apart.

Yes exactly! That’s also why I don’t want to take rent. I think I need to pick up the conversation again. We talked about it but didn’t get much further than he’s not willing to live in the small flat w all the kids (no space) and no money to rent a bigger place.

He wouldn’t be paying towards the mortgage though. He’d be paying board, as he does now, it would just be a fairer amount.

There is no stalemate

it’s your house

your choice

if it means by him moving out and not continuing the relationship then he’s only with you for what you can offer him
a roof over his head for him and his kids

how did he manage to actually move in and you agree to him having his kids every other week

how was he managing to do this in his one bed flat

Why doesn't he let his flat out??

So he doesn’t pay rent, you pay a cleaner to clean up after his kids. They all have some for of neurodiversity. He doesn’t want to move out. Of course he doesn’t. He’s a freeloader who now has a nanny and free place to live. 🙄

Him paying rent doesn’t meant he would have a claim on your property as he would have to be paying rent somewhere. So what has he been doing with his rent money for the year he hasn’t been paying it to you?

It doesn’t make enough money to make the hassle and disruption to his work worth it.

This is exactly the question I asked him. He bought the flat when his marriage ended as a place to live w his kids when he had them. So I don’t understand why he is so against living there now.

The thing is, though, there isn’t really a stalemate to be had. You’re unhappy with the situation and he’s contributing to that, whether he intends to or not.

You need to be very clear with him that you want to live apart, at least until the kids are grown, and then if you’re still together, you can re-visit the living together situation. If he loves and respects you and cares about your happiness above his own comfort and convenience, this will be an easy decision for him.

I would say that 1-3 months for him to move out is more than fair, given that he has his own place he owns. It’s not your issue that it’s too small for his kids - that’s something he needs to sort out.

His response to this request will really tell you everything you need to know about him and how he sees the relationship, but ultimately this is your home and you’re the one who gets to decide who lives there.

He thinks it is a negotiation and he doesn't respect you enough to do anything more than fob you off.

"He's not willing to live in the flat"?

He has zero choice if you tell him he needs to leave your home.

He can go where he likes.

Housing his children is not your responsibility.

You are funding his looney Ex, you do realise that?

You are taking money from your own child to fund this guys looney EX.

You surely cannot stand over that?

Resentment has built up it seems op and i don't blame you. He is using you for your resources in every area and is a cocklodger!!!!!! It might be hard to get rid so best start now. I wouldn't be able to tolerate a man who pays no rent ,even if you are the one who stopped it. It literally works well in his favour by being with you and you get nothing but a depletion on resources

This doesn't make any sense
how does letting his flat disrupt his work?
how can more money create more hassle? He's paying bills on an empty flat, which a tenant could be paying, plus paying him rent. Sorry, how on earth does this make any logical sense?

but he'd be paying rent and bills to live somewhere else. I get not wanting to put your house at risk - very sensible.

you tell him it's not working and that if you are going to stay together then he needs to pull his weight financially and as a partner. that if he stays he'll need to pay rent + bills and sign a cohabitation agreement. you can get one drawn up by a solicitor, it's worth the money to protect your house. but you can work out by talking to him whether this is worth doing as his reaction should tell you everything.

if he kicks back against this then ditch him. and remind yourself that just because he's being a decent bloke with his ex by paying her maintenance that he's not obliged to pay, doesn't mean that he can't also be a selfish twat to you.

Honestly OP
he is using you
if he bought a one bed flat knowing he has 3 kids what was his plans on living in it

it wasn’t gonna sprout another bedroom or two 😂

@PithyBeaker

Bc it feels like my last chance at a happy relationship and happy family.

But from what you say it's no longer a happy relationship for you nor is it a happy family for each member of it.

Like if I give up I’ll never be happy.

So you can only be happy if you have a man? Really? You appear to be a good person with many good qualities who has a good head on her shoulders. In other words, you are 'sufficient unto yourself'. I daresay you could live a very happy life without a man. If the right one comes along, fine. But there is nothing that says a woman will be miserable if he doesn't.

I recently left a 38 year marriage, and I've discovered that I can quite easily live without a man and be happy. Sure, they can be nice to have around when it's the right man, but they aren't absolutely necessary to our 'happiness'. And being with the wrong one is a guarantee of misery.

Are you up to having a 'this isn't working for me' discussion? If he's truly the right man he should be willing to listen to you with an open mind and a willing heart. AND to try to find a way to make things work for you as well as for him. But if his only response is 'I don't want to do that', then he isn't right for you. Or any woman.

Hi OP,

Apologies if its covered elsewhere - but where was your DP housing his 3 children after he divorced but before he met you?

I think this is a lot for you to take on. So, if you are feeling this - you are not unreasonable.