AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

I don’t know. The rent and mortgage are basically equal so cancel each other out plus hassle of sorting stuff out for tenants if leaks, broken whatever

It's not really in his interests to concede that the set up isnt fair. I'm thinking he's bound to steer things towards the best outcome he can get out of such a discussion, ie a stalemate.

I don’t know. My sister asked me this too.

Although he is vile
take a leaf out of Trumps dialogue

if you don’t move out Im gonna bomb you back into the stone ages 😂

honestly everything benefits him not you
do you really think he would be as accommodating to you if the position were reversed

This bloke is against living in his own flat because living with the OP is much more to his liking. I'm inclined to think that if you live separately he'll be resentful because his life will be much harder whilst the OP has a calm & relaxed life.

You know this makes no sense don't you?

Rent and mortgage might cancel each other out but with the flat being empty he's having to pay the mortgage regardless. and he doesn't care about inconvenience to you does he? As long as he and his ex aren't inconvenienced I suppose.

Get angry, woman.

The main problem is I don’t know what is better for my DC. Seems very against the idea of them moving out. Loves having the kids come to stay. This is the main issue. Otherwise would be an easy decision.

Your son should not be the reason that you stay in this relationship . Seriously. Are you planning to remain in this current set up because your son needs playmates?

agree.

op think logically. if mortgage on the flat is £800, but he has another £200 per month for insurance and repairs then he's £1000 down every month. if he can rent it out for £800 then he's only £200 down.

if he can't show where his money is going because he hasn't got a penny spare, and he doesn't want to rent out his empty flat to minimise his costs, then i'd wonder whether he's using the flat as a bolt hole and shagging about behind your back. something doesn't add up.

I think he is putting you under an unfair amount of strain. You're paying for a cleaner to clean up his kids mess because you would have to "nag" him to do it or he wouldn't do it!! The first time this happened would be the last for me. He is taking advantage massively.
He needs to stand up for himself with his ex and paying her money when he presumably doesn't have to, as he looks after kids half the time. He needs that money to house himself and his kids adequately, if they can't fit in his flat he needs to buy or rent a bigger place. If he didn't have your house to use he'd have to face facts on that front. He's paying his ex because you are giving him a free place to live, his portion of the bills excluded, he doesn't even need to clean up his kids mess currently. He isn't parenting properly. Does he feel guilty about costing you money, messing up your house, neglecting you? Does he heck. He needs to go, he is taking advantage and he knows it, hence the guilt trips.
He should be bending over backwards to clean and tidy after his kids have wrecked the place. Or get them to behave a bit better when they are there. Like parents have to.

Your partner must be laughing himself to sleep. Paying No rent, you organising everything. Really what’s in this for you?

@PithyBeaker
Please really, really think about the needs of your DS as you go into the secondary school years. How is his school work? GCSEs are much harder than they used to be and the secondary curriculum quickly picks up pace. When the exam years arrive he will need and want a quiet place to study and unwind, not the huge distraction of three other un-related kids bouncing off the walls, coming-and-going, and using screens late into the evening. Perhaps your DP and ex don’t care about this but I suspect that you might?

I think that you would experience a huge lifting of weight and feeling of release if this arrangement came to an end.

This x10000000.

@PithyBeaker The best thing you can do to have a happy child is to be happy yourself. Your son will adjust. It may take awhile, but he will adjust.

This just gets worse.

@PithyBeaker , you're the one being drained here. And your child, because some of your money is used to support a lazy man who can afford to finance his ex because you're paying his and his kids's way.

You said yourself his kids are competitive with yours.

Your home is in chaos that your overwhelmed yet relaxed partner doesn't care about. Of course not, you pay for the cleaning along with just about everything else because this overwhelmed yet relaxed dude laid a guilt trip on you and you fell for it.

And there's a flat sitting empty.

You're well into chump territory here. You're being taken advantage of by this dude and you and your kid's life would be better off without him

You think you won't find better? What the hell is so much worse? You're cleaning literal 💩.

He and his kids are holding you back. Think about how much time you spend with the load of this man and his kids on your back and bank account because he's shifted that load over.

It’s a one bed
where would his three kids sleep?

do they have their own bedrooms at yours?

What??
he pays OUT to the mortgage and rent comes IN. The rent coming in doesn't 'cancel out' the mortgage, it cover the mortgage, so he has more money coming in each month!
Come on, you sound pretty gullible here. Why aren't you questioning this bullshit he's telling you?

I think you are being dishonest here OP, and that really won't help you do the right thing for yourself or your son.

You still fancy him despite him not being pushed to spend time with you.

Its not about whats best for your son, its about you not wanting to detach from him because you find him attractive.

This is painful for you.

He is with you for housing.
It is crystal clear to posters.

Not the first man with children to find a woman who can provide that for him for free.

I’d put my child first and live separately.

I think you’ve ranked his reasons accurately. They’re not reasons to stay in your current set up.

When you first met him and discovered that he was asset-less aside from a one bed flat and had three dependent children and had had a terrible break up with his ex where neither of them covered themselves in glory…. What made you think that he would be someone you’d want to move in to your, presumably very calm and settled home with your one child?

Blended life is only draining you. He benefits from this situation.

Sex she is literally thinking with her vagina
To her child’s detriment

Then he should sell the flat put the money into a stocks and shares Isa he’ll probably get five £600 a month in interest which he pays to you as rent.

I’ll probably get pummelled for this but I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone with adhd or asd.

I’m a single mother and don’t need extra added to my workload. I also wouldn’t be with a single dad (already tried that). Yes that is most likely hypocritical but I don’t expect childfree men to be in a relationship with myself and would rather stay single.

I certainly wouldn’t allow a man to move in. Already been fleeced during a divorce and any future assets will be going to my dc only.

I agree that the current arrangement mainly benefits him and he needs to step up to make your life better. Also that it would be better if he paid more towards the household.

BUT, I'm not sure he is a true cocklodger if he is paying all bills and looking after his own kids when they are there. It feels like you are better off financially with him there as your mortgage stays the same, you pay no bills and only your share of the food. And you previously enjoyed the relationship.

Would it be worth counselling to agree standards and see if he will step up both his parenting and his contribution to your relationship? If with professional support he agreed standards with you would he follow through giving new rules to the kids and enforcing them?