AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

Apologies OP, I didn't read all your posts before posting so I now see that he pays the bills. However, I doubt that they add up to £2000 per month which is what you are paying for your mortgage so he is being massively subsidised by you. As he has three kids and you only have one, they will also consume much more food and use more water/electricity etc.

He has a very cushy number living with you rent free in a big house. It's also concerning that he sulked when you brought up him paying rent.

As he is still paying maintenance to his ex-wife, even though he doesn't need to due to the 50/50 arrangement, you are, in effect, subsidising her by enabling him to live rent free in your home. That would stick in my craw to be honest.

He's kind of dug himself in so that it's very hard to remove him. If OP asks him to get his own place she does it knowing that he cant afford it, he & his children will suffer. The guilt lever is a big powerful tool for him, he only need to lightly tweak it and OP will feel significant emotional discomfort (ie guilt) on top of how upset she already feels.

You are providing for everyone OP
Including the ex.
What's left for you and your child?
Think about that

is he very convincing with his narrative of bad things happening to him in his life? Tales from him of financially struggling?

does is trigger the rescue response in you OP?

my guess is he knows exactly what he’s doing…

Get yourself out of it op. Please concentrate on your child and not this cocklodger and he’s kids. He’s doing a number on you.

The thing is OP, none of that is your responsibility. Those are his problems to deal with.

I’m sure it’s coming from a good place, but you are being taken advantage of, practically and financially.

He’s not a monster, but he’s being incredibly selfish, and doesn’t seem to care about the impact on you.

That is what I’m thinking about and why I posted.

This is correct.

Interesting that it's not "he doesn't want to live apart from me". He's obviously got his feet comfortably under the table and can't be arsed with the hassle of having to move.

Excellent. He can go live with the therapist.

That's truly horrible. She is very wrong.

As a PP stated, he is using you to pay his ex. You are paying child maintenance and having the children in your home 50% of the time.

This man isn't your last chance at all. You are definitely a catch in the dating pool.

I think that blended families are a lot harder than imagined.

You sound like a lovely person, and this clearly isnt about the money, or even the kid chaos I would guess. Its sounds more like its the relationship itself, youre not getting what you need from it.

His care, attention, fun together, sex, a proper partner who can see everything you are doing and fully recognises it and insists on reciprocity. You are not getting any that. Which is deeply unfair considering what you are putting into it.

It would be telling to say hey Im finding this too hard and I want us to go back to how we were before and the best way to manage that is if we live seperately for now. I suspect once his additional benefits have been removed, he will be even less keen. And you deserve so much more than that.

Your 40s are when you come into your own, and one of the most abundent resources on this planet is men. So dont factor in 'being alone', thats just societal programming and patriarchy. If you want another one, youll find him. And you dont ever have to live with one again either.

@thepariscrimefiles
As he is still paying maintenance to his ex-wife, even though he doesn't need to due to the 50/50 arrangement, you are, in effect, subsidising her by enabling him to live rent free in your home
OP has said that his ex is a piece of work, seems like he is using the OP as a shield to protect him from the wrath of his ex. OP's money, her largesse is being used to appease his ex.
I'm not saying this is necessarily calculated, often these things are unconscious, or just situations we find ourselves in.

Look, I’ve met the (loony) family and I’ve met the (loony) X and I’ve made up my own mind and he’s not lying. He definitely had a shit childhood and he made a shit marriage choice. He’s not perfect but he isn’t a calculating monster. But then again who the hell knows. I’ve clearly got terrible instincts

Where did he live before he moved in with you OP? Was it the one bed apartment?

@PithyBeaker

He resfuses to do anything nice and 'relationshippy' with you, he sounds like a teenager himself. I bet he sees you as 'mum'.

this relationship isn't making you happy anymore, and that will impact your child.

don't bother having another chat with dp. He'll improve for a bit then slide back.

You're not HAPPY. That's what you should focus on.

Your therapist was a charlatan then, or was only being fed the positives and wasn’t shrewd enough to see through it. If you engage in therapy again, don’t use that one. Also make sure that you disclose to the new one that you’ve had a problem with a previous therapist encouraging you to lower your standards and that this landed you in a situation where you were taken advantage of.

And I mean this kindly: Girl, stand up. You’re face down on the ground and this man is wiping his feet all over you and everything you’ve accomplished. How dare he. He’s not worth it. Even if he’s young and hot and you’re attracted to him, he’s a shitty partner that’s bringing zero romance. What is the point of him??

I’m sorry if my posts have come across as harsh. I certainly don’t have a perfect relationship history and have made many poor choices when it comes to men.

I’ve also been the one to try and pick up the pieces when family and friends have experienced guys like this, and at the grand old age of 42, I’d honestly rather be single forever than be dealing with this nonsense anymore - especially just for the sake of having a man around.

I’m sorry that your counsellor behaved so horribly towards you; that person is not fit to be a counsellor.

Please believe me and others on this thread when we say that this isn’t normal and if we come across as harsh its likely coming from frustration (not at you, but at these men who keep luring caring and empathetic women in). You and your DS deserve more and I really hope that you’ll see it soon.

40 is nothing and you have a whole lifetime ahead of you to find someone who truly loves and respects you and treats you as a team mate and partner.

It sounds cheesy as hell, but it’s so true that you really need to be able to love yourself and know your own worth before you can be ready to attract someone who sees the same in you.

My advice would be to present him with the monthly costs of running your home and suggest that everything is split 50/50 - not just him paying bills and groceries. That’s what’s fair and normal for most couples. If he’s against that, it really tells you all you need to know. He’s getting a great deal right now, so it’s no surprise he doesn’t want to move out.

Sounds like a tricky situation OP.
Does his ex not work at all? If the kids are primary age she can’t have given up THAT much of her career that it wouldn’t be possible to get it going again no? Especially with a whole week to herself once a fortnight? Lots of study time, on paper. 🤔
Putting the kids and finances issues to one side I’d be more inclined to have qualms with the lack of thoughtfulness towards you when they’re not there - the gaming (ick), having to beg to go for a walk etc. Sounds like romance has gone anyways? I feel you could find someone you could be happier with, if you wanted to.

This sums it up perfectly! OP you seem to be very passive about this situation.

He’s really taking the piss. Free digs and childcare. Of course he doesn’t want this lovely set up to change!

therapists are just like anyone else - some are ok at their job, some are brilliant, some are bloody dreadful. your therapist was wrong. you know this because your gut is screaming at you now that this situation is a shit show. you wouldn't be posting otherwise.

listen to your gut. it doesn't matter if he's been badly done by and it wasn't his fault. it doesn't matter if he's going to struggle financially. he is an adult and he is responsible for himself and his kids. you are not obliged to disadvantage yourself and your child, so that he can have an easier life.

you are not a rehabilitation centre for a bloke in a bad situation.

Being blunt I think many men and some women find it hard to semi parent a child that is not theirs. So blended families can be a difficulty.

💯 this. Not about money or the kids. I can handle the kids when it feels like things are good between us. Which they haven’t been for ages

@PithyBeaker The situation is niggling at you or you wouldn't have posted.
What do YOU want your life to look like?
You actually hold all the cards here. It is YOUR house. YOU can afford it without him. He's not exactly showering you with love, care & attention. A grown man in his 30s gaming every night rather than cuddling up with you. Do you ever "date" any more? Or is it just daily drudgery?

I mean this kindly. Get a grip.
Tell him to move back to his flat. His kids can share the bedroom & he can get a sofa bed in the lounge. His lack of space is not your problem.
If you really want to, say you would be happy just dating again. He will probably have a hissy fit, it's not fair, why are you doing this to me, stomp, huff puff, then flounce off a la Miss Piggy.

You will then have a clean quiet home for you and your child to enjoy together.

40 is not old. You will be wiser to any potential users. Just date & have a social life. Once free you may meet the love of your life. This man is not.
Yes it's easy for someone behind a screen to say dump him. This is your life, no one elses. You have to deal with the consequences either way, not us. But listen to your niggling gut & seriously consider getting him gone. For you, your child & your self respect.
I wish you luck & hopefully a happy future.

He might well be a good person at heart and is just a bit misguided due to his past and childhood, etc. The problem here is he’s not treating you well and your happiness matters, too.