AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

Thank you. This honestly was really sweet. Feeling very emotional and this anon post was a last ditch what the hell should I do. I’ve even asked ChatGPT and I’m no AI fan.

How much are you paying per month in mortgage (or rent)?

Apologies, I didn’t read all posts, no need to be so rude!! 🙄

Mortgage about 2 grand

Sorry. Didn’t mean to be. Some people have been quite rude to me on this thread, I didn’t mean to lash out

Are you mortgatge free? If not, he should be still paying rent. You are paying for a cleaner to deal with his kids' mess so he should pay at leasts half. He should also be making a financial contribution for council tax, bills and food so that at least you aren't subsidising him and his children at the expense of you and your child.

The situation shouldn't be that you are worse off and he is better off which seems to be what is happening at the moment. That will just breed resentment on your part, even setting aside the chaos you have to deal with when his kids are staying every other week.

Well that doesn’t seem fair. You’re paying twice as much as him!

Lucky indeed. I would never invite an obvious cocklodger into my home I shared with my kids who made me feel guilty about paying rent for the place he and kids live.

Rather than all this nonsense about “my last chance at love”, may I suggest some counseling to work on your standards and boundaries?

Yes, that way no one person is overwhelmed.

Many relationships are extremely successful without all living together.

Oh OP. He saw you coming didn’t he? For this I’m afraid he truly is an irredeemable arsehole.

Ticking another box, loyalty to the Ex while he uses you and your home.

This is a really sad thread OP, and sadly it 100% is your child paying the price.

He doesn't even want to spend time with you, he prefers to game, like lots of ND men.

He's not stupid though.
He pays the ex.
He has maintained his asset.
He is financially cute.
He has accessed free housing.
A house skivvy.
He has zero responsibility for the maintenance of your home that his children thrash every other week.
You pay a cleaner so he does fxxk all.

Honestly OP one of the sadest threads in a while for the sheer lack of self respect and self worth you are displaying.

No man is worth this.
Think of your child and the peace they could have.

You could get your shit together.
Get some therapy.

Read Women who love too much.by Robin Norwood.

You are only 40, a great age.
Far too young to be giving up like this.

He will fight you though.
No doubt he knows you fancy of him.

I'm not a vulgar woman, but lord no penis is worth this abdication of your self respect so completely.

2k you are paying. Ah OP. Really.

Jesus 2k a month mortgage
if you don’t mind me asking OP how much older are you than him

he seems to have landed on his feet with you
you on the other hand not so much

when your with someone you should both enhance each others lives

you are getting nothing but a headache

Your housing 4 people at your cost of you and your DS
you mention that if you split up you won’t meet any one else

is that the only reason your keeping him around so that you have someone

he was happy enough to make you feel guilty for asking him to pay rent though.

why are you only focusing on what he wants? he doesn't want to move out. he doesn't want the hassle or the expense. well bloody tough mate, welcome to real life.

Well its very easy to be generous with someone else's money. If he wasn't living rent free I doubt he would have the same scrupples and that money to his ex would vanish fast. You are effectively funding this. If you want to know his true intentions and feelings ask him to move out. Make it clear that you want to maintain he relationship but living together with so many children is too chaotic currently. I would be stunned if he didn't say if I move our we are broken up. I'm sure he cares for you but the situation, being housed for free (bills he has to pay everywhere) is ultimately the draw. If you will no longer provide this he will try to find someone else who will. I wish you well and you sound lovely but from what you have described he is a total user. You are not even second on his priortiy list,

I cant believe the things I've put up with in relationships. It's only years later with the benefit of hindsight and because I kept extensive diaries for most of my life that I can see things more clearly now.
He might be (at least to some extent) in denial about what's going on, or at least overwhelmed and not seeing things clearly.

He pays half of what you pay into the household for more people in the house - you and 1 child every week, him and 1.5 children every week.

To continue the relationship, suggest evening things out. He pays half of the difference between your contributions on top of his existing contribution.

How do you think that suggestion would be taken?

Why are his needs more important than yours?

Sorry but this is not accurate. Before his divorce he was well paid and able to easily afford a large house for his kids. His marriage broke down (very complicated, both at fault, X quite a piece of work, trust me, you wouldn’t believe it if I told you what she did) and I honestly feel bad for him. He had arranged his life the right way w a job and house and had it pulled from under him. I’m not saying he was blameless in the marriage breakdown but it is unfair to paint him as shiftless. He works really hard and has had some really shitty things happen to him. Truly. Not been dealt a good one but he’s done well enough for himself. I know it sounds like I’m defending him again, I’m just trying to get everything straight. He’s not perfect but he’s not a monster.

They’re not. I’m trying to get there.

Well of course he wouldn’t be happy - he has all the gain in your current situation, and as you rightly point out, you are the net loser.

He gets a place to live, someone who does more of the domestic stuff than he does, and his 3 DC housed when they’re with him.

You get chaos, mess and more kids to deal with.

It was never going to be a good idea. I don’t think blending families often is, to be completely honest.

Aaaaaand he made you feel so guilty about charging him rent that you stopped

Tjis relationship has run it's course. Your child loves having them round but wait till the teen years kick. 4 kids. just no

Badly. He doesn’t have spare anything in a month now.

I was in counselling for fifteen months. My therapist thought the sun shone out of his arse. She told me I needed to make compromises on my standards. Truly.

Funny how these guys ALWAYS have the crazy/bitch/mad/mean Ex.

ALWAYS.
They have ALWAYS got some hard luck story.

BUT....he still insists on paying her, but not rent to you, for where he and his children live?🤔

Funny that.
He is a cliché.

A box ticking user with a sob story.
Surely you can start to see the cracks?

How are there so many appalling therapists? Isn't there a regulatory body?