AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

Posters actually have addressed it by telling you you can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. And that your guilt is a way your partner manipulates you.

If you prioritize his kids instead of yours, your kid has no one fully in his corner and that will be something you regret your entire life. Your partner resents him. One of his kids already dislikes yours and there's a lot of competition. This is not going to get any better.

His kids have 2 present parents. He gives his ex money (but he balked at paying you rent) even though they're at yours 50/50. They are not losing out here. Your child is by having a home he can't have his friends over to. He's going to be socially limited by having your partner's kids in the home and not being able to have his own friends or parties. Their chaos will affect his studies. Your child is also losing out by the money you spend on cleaners and your partner's willingness to push him out of his own home and the wear and tear on the home of having 4 more people using it and not caring for it.

He's prioritizing his children over yours. You won't regret prioritizing yours over his.

Thank you. Struggling to sleep. This helped.

I think some men perceive a new partner to automatically fulfil a ‘mother of his children role’.

I also wonder if the OP’s partner was to some extent passive in how the current situation came to be and this passive element of his nature contributed to not making an effort to rent his flat out or to reassess his child benefit payments to his ex-wife

from your point of view you might consciously think of ‘my child’ and ‘his children’ - in his mind he might almost see you as having a maternal role with his children that isn’t completely there

it is more complex than this, but I can see it’s going to be difficult for him to accept the situation and it would be awful if you didn’t split up with him simply because it’s difficult, but I think you might need to find a way of broaching this carefully with him. And it’s really not your fault and you are not completely responsible for his actions after you split up either.

The above couple of posters have explained it.
You need to be clear that YOU are putting YOU first, because that is right for YOU and your son.

You are the adult and this is your considered decision in what is best for you and your family.

He will look after his children and the children have two parents to do that.

I just mean don't give your son even a hint that his discomfort at times miggt have influenced you, because he just might take on guilt, particularly if his is a sensitive, kind type.

Even though you wouldn't mean him too, he might by himself.

So I would just be clear that whilst you are giving him a bit of a heads up, he's actually not part of the decision.

You have had enough and want something different.

Thats all.
Mind yourself.

And he probably knows it, which is why he's going on the offensive about how you "prevented" him from saving (where did that rent money go again?!).

Good luck, @PithyBeaker. Stay strong.

You are so kind, unfortunately I think in this case you'll have to be more kind to yourself and your DC.
This life is short. It's not fair that you have to sacrifice yourself and your DC.
Your DP and his kids will be fine, everyone survives and hopefully you'll all thrive afterwards.
I left an ex, I did it for myself and my daughter.
I'm so grateful I did.
The relief was instant.
I wish you all the best!

Some men with children seem to feel as though women are instinctively maternal with ALL children, including unrelated ones. It suits them to believe this, because they can then vilify women who don’t automatically adore and prioritise their stepchildren.

Years ago, there was a thread in step-parenting where posters were asked if they’d stay in contact with their step-children if their relationship broke down. About 90% of women wouldn’t - a lot of posters stated that they quite liked them and were fond of them but they wouldn’t be upset if they didn’t stay in each others’ lives.

Don’t be guilt-tripped into maintaining a relationship with him because of his children. I’m sure they will miss you - you seem caring - but they have two caring parents already, your DS pretty much just has you.

Exactly this ⬆️ It’s very hard to see your DP as anything but!

Edited as had not RTFT. Gently, I would say that his DC will recover and that perhaps your DP’s huge vested interest in you staying together is getting in the way of you feeling able to take an appropriate level of responsibility?

Interestingly I told him years ago that I was not that kind of woman and he shouldn’t expect me to be and he said he didn’t expect it and knows I’m not their mum. But in the same breath he has said that he needs to feel the house is 100% home and if, say, they needed to be there all the time that would be fine. I spent many years feeling like I was unreasonable for balking at that and wanting him to stick to timing to drop them back (he’s very relaxed about getting them back to X whereas she is out of the gates like a shot when it’s our time to have them). He gets angry when I try to say, hey, are you getting them back on time this morning, or whatever. I can’t take it anymore.

I am putting myself first. It’s not working for me anymore. I’ve had enough. That’s exactly it. Thank you

Maybe… I do also care about him very much and his needs are important to me so I have always weighted heavily his need to be with his kids and have a home for them. At my own expense, and DC’s, clearly. 😔

He really doesn’t like you expressing your needs or boundaries, does he?

Hindsight is a wonderful thing! You’ve tried but it just isn’t working for you and your child and you have to put them first.
I (43F) have been with DP (49M) for 6 years and we also have 4 children between us, although older than yours (ages range from 11-20) and I know living together would be absolute chaos so we still live apart. It’s wonderful. I stay at his when my kids go to their dad’s every other weekend and we also have days together when the kids are at school/work and we’re both off. It works so well for us but we constantly have people asking when we’re moving in together. I’m always getting confused looks when I reply that we won’t be for at least another 5 years!
I know it will be hard to explain to him if he has rejection issues but if he loves you then he will understand. As a parent himself he must realise that you have to put your child first?
If there were no children involved but you were unhappy in a relationship and it was making you miserable and emotionally draining you then you would take steps to resolve the issues or even end it. Please don’t let this ruin your life and your precious time with your child. It won’t be long before your child has grown up and moved out and you will honestly regret not giving them this time now, especially if things don’t work out with DP in the long term. My mum moved her DP in after she divorced dad when I was around 13 and he was awful and I resented her for it long after they split. My mum died a few years ago and I always felt like she prioritised her new relationship over her children so I’d never do that to my kids now.

The blended family stuff is a red herring, no? The real issue is that he has stopped making effort. He isn't putting effort into cleaning and tidying the house, and he isn't putting any effort into you either. I'd hate to live with someone who spent their evenings gaming! Like what is the point?

Time to have a firm conversation with him OP.

Genuinely confused at so many people suggest OP get him to move out but then continue the relationship. He's a selfish man completely focussed on his own needs. What possible benefit could there be in continuing a relationship with someone who doesn't care about you?

OP, I have just read your latest comments, and I think you are right to be concerned.

Yes, he will try the guilt thing. My ex-partner did- after all, I did pretty much raise his children. But, they were much older when I ended the relationship. I did worry that the kids would miss me, but it became apparent very quickly that they would not. They had their father, and that was enough. Partners come and go, but parents are forever. The "kids" are now in their 40s and, from what I hear from friends of friends (we all still live in the same city, as far as I know), they are doing well.

Other posters have said it better: your partner's children have two parents and two other homes. In the nicest possible way, they will move on. They will be teenagers someday soon, and will be busy with that part of their lives. Eventually, all they will remember will be the good times you had together, not the fact that you are no longer there. If they do love you, they may try to stay in contact with you, but first and foremost, they will want their parents. THEY WILL BE FINE.

You need only consider what is best for you and your child.

I think what I am trying to say is that his children, as much as you are fond of them, are not, and never were, your responsibility. Stick to what is right for you.

But, he will try guilting you. Over and over again, even after you've got him out of your house. Especially if you decide to try to keep the relationship going, but in separate households.

This is your first step. It will take time. The first feeling you will have will be relief (I especially did not miss the younger boy's raging destructiveness -he was a very difficult teenager and young man). But feelings 2 through 50 will be other emotions, not all of them great, and some of those feelings will be guilt. As long as you are taking two steps forward for every one step backwards, you will get there. You are allowed to feel your feelings. It gets easier every time you say no. And if you busy yourself with parenting your own child, eventually you will no longer concern yourself with his children.

Remember.

He has somewhere to go.
He has a job.
His children have two parents who both have their own homes.

It’s not your fault or problem he “only” has a flat.
It’s not your fault or problem he is always skint.
It’s not your responsibility to house his children.

My ex also had a one bed flat that was too much trouble and not worth renting out. I found out afterwards it was his shag pad.
Good luck.

I think once @PithyBeaker gets partner to move out it give her a much better idea if the relationship has run its course and partner is only with her to house his DC. If he tries to coerce her into keeping the situation as it is and starts threatening to end the relationship to test her boundaries becomes very hostile then it will become apparent. If he truly loves her he will realise he has been ignoring her and her son’s needs for a long time in order to get his met. It doesn’t have to be the end for them but if his love has been conditional then it will be over. If he becomes obsessed with her proving her love by allowing him to continue living there or moves out and keeps manipulating her for him to move back in with her then and only then can OP find out the truth of the matter.

I think you need to sort it out now before all your DC get any older. Your DSs needs will change significantly once he is in secondary. I have a DD currently revising for A levels and the amount of revision is insane. We ourselves are in too small a house but we are blessed by the fact we are all quiet, calm, mostly tidy people so my younger DS allows his sister to get on with her revision in peace. Once your son hits his GCSEs in a few years, he's going to need that calm peaceful environment - not chaos every other week.

Try and ignore the "bashers" OP. Some people are just nasty.
Prioritise yourself not anyone else now. Children will all have to adjust. If your partner had made an effort/ not been a lazy selfish arse, you wouldn't have been put in this awful situation. He will probably try to emotionally blackmail you and get his kids to join in too, just have on repeat in your head "this is not working for me" and keep going until he is gone. You have every right to live in a way that you choose. You've given him plenty of chances and he's blown it. He'll probably find another girlfriend very quickly if he's handsome, hapless, able to turn on the charm, plus he'll have another sob story of being chucked out by a "psycho ex." Look forward to that day you're an ex! Imagine the weight lifting off you, it will be worth it.

@PithyBeaker you are a lovely person and the situation has got to this point because your partner has refused to compromise on anything. He’s pushed and pushed you until now, you can no longer tolerate any of it. Any harm resulting to his kids is a direct result of his behaviour in refusing even to discuss any of your very reasonable suggested compromises (be prepared now for him to find any of them acceptable if it means he gets to stay in your house- and then a month down the line he’ll backtrack on anything he promises now).

He could even tell the kids what’s what and make arrangements for them all to still see you, but I bet his own resentment will mean he slags you off to them instead (implicitly if not explicitly) and sabotage any possibility of a positive relationship with them going forward. Another thing to beware of if he manipulates you into backing down on this.

Sending strength for the difficult conversations to come. Hold that vision of your clean, peaceful home in your mind and your son’s sleepover with his friends, with you making it fun and lovely, and no chaos or resentful man sulking on the sofa.

your only 40! thats not old op - your whole life ahead of you!

Why are you letting him and his kids live for free in your house - thats insane!

You could easily meet someone else who has no kids or mabe just 1 kid or soemthing and you could live spereately and maybe move in together when the kids are grown!

this is settling for the first guy who came along!

of course he wouldnt be happy being told to move out - he has no rent to pay

Love is not one sided your needs are just as important as his, his responsibility is him and his DC and yours are yourself and your son.
There are plenty of relationships with each partner having DC and they don’t live together because it would be too hard to meet everyone’s needs. If he had sold a house to move in with you it would be complicated because he might of had to buy himself another home which takes time but he still has his flat that he bought to house him and his DC. It’s not your responsibility that he hasn’t a bigger home to go back too, he won’t be homeless.
My personal opinion is he bought that as a back up plan, he wanted your home or someone who had the space to accommodate him and his DC and if the relationship goes tits up he still has somewhere to live.

OP, you must tell yourself, and believe it, that you have given this relationship all you could, but for you it is now over.

Your DP has put himself and his children above you and your DC.
He expected you to welcome his DC full time in your home if that's how things played out with his ex.
He doesn't even respect your boundary of taking them back to their mum's on time.

Yes his DC will be sad not to spend time in your house, with you and your son.
Yes it will be hard for them all to stay in a 1 bedroom flat.

But your DP is the person responsible for that, not you.
He is back in the position he was when he met you.

He could have saved money whilst living with you and paying no rent, but he chose to keep paying his ex even though he has their children 50% of the time.
He could have put that into a future housing account. How much would he have now?

As PP have said, his DC will still have 2 homes, and two fully involved parents.

Your DC only has one home and one fully involved parent.
He won't realise it but he needs you to put him first. Choose him. Prioritise him.

Stay strong in your resolve to carry out your decision.

Friday will be very difficult. Is there anyone that could come over if you needed them to, if things get too heated?

I think you must accept that he is highly unlikely to want to continue the relationship with you after you tell him he's got to move out.

And actually I think you might be thinking the same thing now too, after considering all the points made on this thread about his treatment of you, and how things are between you now.

If it gets really difficult, call the police.
They will come, they will ask him if he has anywhere to go (he has his flat) and then get him to go there.

Depending how badly the conversation goes, worst case, you could get the locks changed while he's at his flat, pack up his stuff, and get a friend to take it to him, or at least go with you.

Good luck, OP, I hope it goes as well as it could.

💐💐💐