AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

OP this sounds absolutely shit. He needs to go, or get his own house.

You also must think of worst case scenarios, if you are worn down by 50/50 of his DC because it’s so hard, what if something happened to his EX, she died or was unable to have them 50/50 or his DC decide they want to live with dad full time?
You would push yourself until you couldn’t mentally or physically carry on, your son wouldn’t have anyone considering his needs in his own home!
Your son’s needs will change as he gets older too and partner would expect them to be ignored as he is only interested in him and his DC needs, he believes both your needs are irrelevant and that’s when it will turn nasty.
Getting him to move out now will be easy compared to in the future!

I completely understand your worries and feelings of guilt about his kids. Of course you care about their welfare and that's not wrong. It doesn't change your realisation that the status quo isn't what's best for you and your son so you have to keep reminding yourself that you're not making them homeless and you're not putting him in a position where he won't be able to see his kids. They will be in the exact position they were before he moved in with you which he chose. He has had the opportunity to build himself a financial buffer but hasn't. That's on him not you. It might not be so easy to live in the flat now they're older but they will have a safe roof over their heads so you don't need to feel guilty in that respect.
Someone mentioned earlier that children adapt remarkably well and while I'm sure they will miss you they will very quickly move on. It will probably take longer for you than them.
It's going to be really hard for a while but it does seem that it's as much about the relationship running it's course as about you being overwhelmed by his kids so you'll come out of the other side ok.
The bottom line is you're not abandoning them to some awful fate so don't let your concern for them allow him to manipulate you.

You are in a shitty situation and possibly starting to overthink things and to try find solutions which work for everyone and hurt no one. The situation though is directly hurting you, not ideal for any of the kids and as tensions rise will only get worse.
Stand back for a moment, what is the ideal long term solution? You have tried blended parenting and it isn’t working, the failure is not down to you but to your partner’s refusal to consider options and to work with you on consistent parenting of all the dc. You have put in time and effort to change, if that hasn’t worked it isn’t down to you but to him.
Ending the current situation may be the only thing that helps his children as he will have to find a way of housing them which is appropriate. I think you need a deadline for him to move out and your home no longer being their 50% of the time home.
You can signpost him to sources of help but it isn’t your job to find him an alternative, he needs to step up.

I would say that you do those things because you are a reciprocal person, you give to him because you implicitly feel that he will respond in kind.
But when you give he experiences that as a weakness on your part, he sees an opportunity to dominate and have everything on his terms and he pushes for more.
He reprimands you for wanting his unruly and disruptive children to go back to their mothers, and also pushes to try and get rid of your child.
Is the law of the jungle for him, he pushes his genes ahead of your genes, his bloodline ahead of your bloodline... whilst under your roof with you taking care of the domestic load created by his children.
He's kind of a cuckoo in your nest isn't he.

But if it is okay with your partner, you can still see them (if you want to). I have friends who still see their step parent, even though the relationship between the parents broke down. They have two adults looking after them.

If it isn’t the end of your relationship, you’ll still have them in your life. If it is the end tomorrow, then you can think of how to thoughtfully say goodbye. Get them each a meaningful gift and write them a letter. Say you’d like to keep in touch (if you would). There are sensitive ways to do it. But you can’t base your decision to stay with their father on them

OP, in one of your recent posts, you asked for "help ". If it helps, some things that may happen when you have the Conversation on Friday:

(this is only from my own experience-if you feel that you would in any way be in jeopardy on Friday, it might be a good idea to have someone else with you, just to be safe and to support you. Also, try to say what you need to say when your child is not around)

Things he might say:

The anger/defensiveness/denial:

I don't understand what you're talking about? What problems? What issues?

Where is this all coming from suddenly? (faux innocence, or maybe he just never thought about your point of view at all)

Why now? What's changed? (then you spend the next few hours discussing how things used to be and why this is your fault because you're not giving him a chance to change)

This isn't fair, you're ganging up on me (if you do have someone there to support you)

Don't you love me? I thought you loved me. (and it will be all about him)

Why are you doing this? (after you've just explained why you are doing this)

Why are you doing this to me? (nice tactic change)

What about my kids? Where are they supposed to go? I guess you never loved them. ( the guilt thing)

What about all the great times we've had together? (when you are trying to talk about the present, not the past)

The bargaining:

What have I done? Why can't you just explain it, then I can try to change? (this is so that you spend the rest of the day arguing about what he has or hasn't done, so by the end of the day you are exhausted, confused, and he gets to spend one more night in your house, and you have to start it all over again the next day)

I can't do everything, can I? Surely you understand that? (you are the unreasonable one)

Can't you give me some time to process this?

What is it you want me to change? (putting the burden on you to define EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING THAT NEEDS TO CHANGE so that if he, in future, does something similar, he can say that you never mentioned THAT)

What are you going to tell the kids? (meaning, YOU will have to explain to MY kids why YOU are doing this to them)

Let's ask [your child] if he wants me to leave. He won't see his siblings again, is that what you want?

If you want me to just do more around the house, spend more time with you, why don't you just say so?

What about the five years we've been together, do those years mean nothing to you?

What if I asked you to marry me? (note: he did NOT just ask you)

The demands ( when he realizes that you are serious):

Tell me EXACTLY what you want me to do and I'll do it. (again, you'll have to think of EVERYTHING, because he'll get around it somehow if you don't. This also buys him time)

I need time to put things in place. You can't just tell me to go immediately.

Well, you'll have to explain to my kids why you're throwing them out on the street (the guilt thing, and, of course, they won't be out on the street)

You're being so unreasonable, not even discussing this.

If we're over, then it will be all your fault, because you won't even let me try to change.

If I go, that's it, I'm not coming back, even if you want me to. No, you said this isn't a discussion, so I'm not going to discuss it!

OP, your response to all of this is: you are not going to be living in my house anymore. I'm not discussing it, I am telling you.

As much as you can, stick to the outcome you need. Don't get into lengthy discussions about why, what, and wherefores. He will blame you for everything (it doesn't matter). He will tell everyone else that it's your fault (who cares? you will have what you need).

Once you have what you need right now, your own home back, you can have plenty of discussions later (if you want to, but my guess is that you would get tired of that pretty quickly).

I don't know if any of this will help, but remember, you are not asking him to leave, you are telling him! You don't have to entertain ANY of his questions. The answer to all of them is BECAUSE THIS IS MY HOUSE AND THIS IS WHAT I WANT AND WHAT I WILL HAVE.

PS Have you noticed that nearly all of "his" responses are simply answering a question with another question? Until the demands start. My ex partner did this all the time.

Again, this is very long, but if any of it helps, then it's worth remembering. I think you can tell by now what my relationship was like for more than 15 years! I still remember most of it, but at least I can now view it from the outside.

Once your son hits his GCSEs in a few years, he's going to need that calm peaceful environment - not chaos every other week
As @aintnothinbutagstring points out these are important years coming up, this man will not want his children to be academically outdone by the OPs son, he will look for ways to sabotage him with his studies.

The positive of these forums is that you get lots of different perspectives. And the negative is also that you get lots of different perspectives... and all consciously or subconsciously heavily influenced by personal experiences. None of us know you, your child, your partner or his children. It is therefore nigh on impossible to give advice. I would say pick out what seems helpful, ignore the rest and go with your gut what might be right for your personal situation. One thing I would say is - blended families are not easy, but neither are all traditional families. Compromise is a hallmark of most human interactions. Only you can decide if the positives outweigh the negatives or vice versa.

Sounds all very familiar. I’m sorry. I will get out. And when I say I’m sorry I mean sorry for your 15 years. ❤️

I would look up sounding like a broken record, it’s when you repeat yourself over and over to someone who has no intention of hearing or understanding you and they continually try and make out you are in the wrong for saying NO. They don’t like you having boundaries and will stamp all over them to get their own way. They find ways of twisting the truth to get you to feel unreasonable or evil, it’s exhausting and they are not your judge and jury. These types try to rewrite your valid feelings in order to gain control so you just keep repeating yourself saying your feelings like ‘No I’m not happy with you living here, it’s too much for me to cope with’.
He says ‘you will break my DC’s heart they love you’
You repeat ‘ that is not my intention and I’m sorry but I’m not happy with you living here and it’s too much for me to cope with’.
He says ‘you obviously don’t love me then and you are ending our relationship’.
You repeat ‘ I do love you but I’m not happy with you living here and it’s too much for me to cope with’.
He can’t put words into your mouth nor can he make promises to change that you know he won’t keep!

Remember NO is a complete sentence.

More like he wants you running round after his kids so he doesn't have to do so much work! I agree with PP I would want to be living separately. I wouldn't tolerate that.

Don't forget that your DP could have saved money by:

1. Renting out his flat
2. Not voluntarily paying his ex maintenance because child custory arrangements are 50/50

He is also living rent free in your home so should have been able to save some money.

His resentment about your child being in his own home and not going to his dad's every weekend is cheeky fuckery that is off the charts and that, at the very least, should make you harden your heart.

Your partner has made absoultely no effort to lessen the impact of his three children living with you every other week. He doesn't expect them to clear up after themselves and he doesn't even contribute to the cost of the cleaner that is necessary to deep clean your home after they leave every other week.

He has become too comfortable and too entitled to all the benefits of your home. He and his children have pretty much taken over. The kids are kids so it isn't their fault, but their dad could do a lot to mitigate the negative impact on you and your child but he chooses to do nothing.

OP, (sorry don't know how to reply to your post directly)
It's ok, after nearly 20 years, it's all water under the bridge now, but I will never forget the tactics. I can say now with a lot of distance that it's been a "useful " experience. I can spot a narcissist a mile away now, and that has helped me a lot in the intervening years! Thank you for your kind words.

Also YES to what SpryCat has said. Great approach, and will help you to stay on target.

Don't worry if you can't get it all said or done in one "telling." Just keep the end goal in mind, and make sure you are always moving forward, not backward. This is your one and only life. Do with it what you want. Remember the 12 months to live thing. God forbid, but none of us knows how much time we have left. If you are unhappy, then it is your right to change this (unfortunately also your responsibility alone). You sound strong and with your head screwed on right, but don't blame yourself if you have weak moments or days. If I had known then what I am saying now, it wouldn't have taken me 15 years.

@GreenhampsterAndEggs Wow. You really have been there, done that and got the medal.

Your advice is excellent and I hope @PithyBeaker will bring it with her. To just turn down any attempts to negotiation/discussion about terms. Keep your calm OP but stay firm. Do not forget that you are doing this not only for yourself but also (and what I think is to you the most important) for your son. If it's messy now- it will get a whole lot messier when they're teens.

I find this expectation from your partner to be massively hypocritical when he complains about your son not going to his dad's every weekend:

'But in the same breath he has said that he needs to feel the house is 100% home and if, say, they needed to be there all the time that would be fine.'

It's as though he thinks that his children have more rights to your home that your own son. His reluctance to return his children to their mum's house and his anger when you mention it are both red flags. He is trying to control the environment of your home and who is welcome and not welcome in it.

As a parent, though, you do need that. Moving in somewhere where your kids aren’t welcome full time if they need to be is pretty irresponsible.

(That isn’t to say OP should stick with things. Just that her ‘D’P is being a decent parent in this regard.)

If we are thinking about them…
then it’s not great for them to live with someone (you) who doesn’t want to live with them

also you may be fond of them but they have two parents to prioritise them. Your son only has you, and circumstances are preventing you from prioritising them

are you fond enough of them to have them live with you full time in ten years?

@GreenhampsterAndEggs fantastic post, that is EXACTLY what it’s like. The number of times I tried to express a boundary and ended up apologising to my ex and then later on was like, WTF!? The ONLY way through is not to get into the discussion, as @SpryCat said. Repeat what you need to happen, ad infinitum.

At the end of the day they aren’t your children. They have 2 involved parents who are responsible. If DP decide to leave of his own free will tomorrow you would also get no say.
Your priority has to be your son whom you are responsible.

There was a thread on here by a childless SM who put up with abusive DP for far too long because she was concerned about what would happen to the children. Thankfully she got them out and moved on.

My DH is exactly the same. Why is that? Genuine question. Like OP if he wants stepkids to stay a bit long but it's their time to go (and give me finally a bit of breathing time before work starts again) he blows a fuse, calls me controlling and makes out I'm.the worst person in the world. After I have spent all week looking after them. Like OP it's my house but we are married. I just don't understand why he can't see that it's ok tonwant a bit of rest. I have needs too.

Pithy
I know this may be a hard thing for you to actually, deep down, believe (rather than accept it is logically the case) but you are not actually responsible for the happiness of everyone you know. It is not your role to carefully watch their behaviour and alter yours to not anger or disappoint them. The only people whose happiness you are responsible for is you, and your child whilst he is still a child.

After growing up with an abusive parent it took me 6 years of intense therapy with a wonderful therapist to finally believe this rather than just pay lip service to it, so I'm not expecting you to get there just through a thread on Mumsnet, but hopefully if enough people tell you this in a supportive way it might start to infiltrate the years of adaptions you had to make to be safe as a child.

Letting go of those doesn't make you a bad person. Putting yourself and your feelings above those of a partner doesn't make you a bad person. Accepting that his children are his responsibility and not yours doesn't make you a bad person

perhaps at the heart of things you are not feeling appreciated and I agree with feistyfrankie who puts it well.

it could be a potential line to take with him - that you are not feeling appreciated and you could name a couple of things that would help you feel appreciated - it could turn into a big argument about splitting up but he might find it easier than being asked to move out as a starting point

this could be a lot less painful for everyone if you start from that angle - telling him you don’t feel appreciated is much easier to hear than putting it down to the blended family dynamics

I think your posts have resonated with so many women whether their family are blended or not!

So many posters have been really thoughtful in their responses to you. It definitely resonated with me - I think lots of men find a way to make sure things (like hobbies, spending money, fewer chores, less life admin for example) work for them when they have families. But women make all sorts of sacrifices as part of having a family and then when they need have support from the male partner it is often lacking and then resentment can seep in because we did it in good faith

@PithyBeaker

I'm just going to repeat what I suggested earlier. As far as 'the talk', which I think it supposed to happen tomorrow, when is he due to have his children?

If the children are there now or are going to be there the next few days, I suggest you may want to 'defer'. If it was me, I'd want to issue a 'time to go' order when he will actually have the time to get out and can't say "But the kids are/will be here on XX day!! I can't possibly get moved when they're here!!!" as a way to stall. Or even worse, drag them into it then and there.

IIRC it's a week on / week off. He can certainly get himself situated in his flat in the 7 days before 'week on'.

I realize this may sound calculated, but you really don't want to have to deal with his children if he tries to use them to make you change your mind.

If something happened to his ex, he would have his kids at your home all the time.

If something happened to you, he would send your child off to his dad the earliest he could and stay installed in your home as long as possible.

Be prepared for a round the world guilt trip. You need someone else there, your sister or a good friend.