AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

He doesn’t want to move out as he would have to pay rent and wouldn’t have someone to help him with his kids .
OP this isn’t working for you or your child , he needs his own place with his kids , you can go back to dating . If he doesn’t like it then tough .

Actually, out of all the things you’ve said, this is the deal breaker for me;

And I have to twist his arm to do things with me, like go for a walk. He doesn’t see the point unless it’s something super risky/adrenaline heavy (I think that’s an ADHD thing).

This I wouldn’t put up with. Your DH is meant to be your best friend, who loves hanging out with you. He is meant to go to things you want to do, to make you happy, and vice versa.

Your needs aren’t being met.

He is living with you rent free and no doubt squirrelling away money. When his kids leave home if he leaves you your own child loses out on all the money you spent on this man and his kids.

I think what is most concerning is the breakdown in your relationship. It sounds like he does not put in the work. especially when the kids are with their mom, he should be making an effort to spend time with you. I come from a blended family and I know blended families can work. My mom had two girls, and my stepfather had two boys. If possible, I suggest a therapist. We had a good one for a while. It helped us establish rules as a family. We had one where every night everybody had to pick a room and tidy that room for example. So maybe a family therapist could help you come up with some workable solutions.
But first you need to feel like the guy wants to be in a relationship with you. And is willing to put in the effort on your relationship.

I do not mean to be flip- but if you are, kids are all late elementary early secondary, then there is an end in site-but it is a few years away. I think setting realistic boundaries could be helpful. Everybody spends 15 minutes, picking up a room before bed that becomes part of the routine 7 o’clock set a timer. Make a game of it-maybe whoever’s room is the neatest gets a prize. If he doesn’t pay rent He should definitely be paying for the additional cleaning that happens on the week off. And maybe he should pay for some self-care treatment of your choice to help you recover and enjoy a respite.

I have no direct experience of blended families but I know from reading posts on here that unfortunately in some blended families the emotional load seems to fall onto the ‘step mother’ for all sets of children- their own, any joint children and the partners children. This appears to be even more challenging than in two parent families though because the woman often bears the brunt of the load but without the authority to exert much control over the step kids, and with more people expressing, often conflicting, views on how they should be parented. Plus, larger blended families like yours might feel quite chaotic and overcrowded when everyone is home.
In your circumstances, I think I might well prefer to live separately with my child.

I cannot think of anything more awful than a blended family. It wouldn’t have worked at all for one of my children - she would never have accepted a man other than her father in the house, or any other children. My other child is more of a people-pleaser, and more flexible.
I simply cannot believe how often children are having this model inflicted upon them and expected to get on with it. Then we ask ourselves why there is a mental health crisis among this generation of young people.
I’m so sorry you’re struggling, OP, it must be very hard as an adult as well.

Good luck OP.

I’ve been thinking A LOT about this (obviously) and there is something that no one - not one single person on this whole massive thread - has mentioned. While there is plenty of (correct and appreciated) concern about the well-being of my DC, no one has expressed any concern about the impact on DP’s three DC when I effectively turf them out. These are three children I have lived with on and off for years and, while they are not mine and they are messy and difficult and I don’t want to live with them, I am fond of them. They are just children and I don’t hold them responsible for DP and X’s sometimes shite parenting. My own DC said to me “but they love you” when I tried to prime him that things may change. This is hard. Is this really the right thing? If the shoe was on the other foot, and the AIBU poster was saying “this bitch cared for my children for five years and now is callously chucking them out” what the hell would you all be saying then? Help. I really am lost and the guilt shit storm is going to fly come Friday. Help.

Your DP is responsible for housing his children, he has a flat that he never rented out in case he needed to move back in. No it won’t be pleasant but you have to put you and your DC first.

Honestly yes they are innocent to a certain extent but you have to put you and your child first.

Don’t set your self on fire to keep someone else warm.

Nobody but you will put your child first and your partner and by extension his children are harming your child because you are just so exhausted and done by all of it. Remember you told you child he couldn’t a have a friend sleep over because you where extra peoples out due to his children. His children are leaving trails of mess behind. You’re spending money to clean up after them.

He has a home, they have currently three homes. They will be fine.

Thank you for responding. I know you’re right.

Also remember your DP has been moaning your DC is home all the time, he resents your child being in his own home. Your DC never got a sleepover with his mates because you where exhausted after have DP’s children all week. It does and is having an impact on your child.

Yes true. And he is getting a sleepover w three of his best mates after his bday party in a few weeks. I’ve rectified that, just in time.

Yes your partner wants your child in his main home there less. Like wow he doesn’t care about your son does he.

Just his feet under your table. Kicking the boy out the nest for his warmth and his children.

Your partner will use his DC to guilt you but they won’t be homeless, they have a home with their own mum and he has a flat. They can stay with mum whilst he finds a bigger place.

His choices and behaviour are what’s caused this. Not you.

You are not doing anything wrong at all.

He is just back to where he was before you.

He has his flat and his three children. He is no worse off he just hasn’t improved himself.

The truth is when his children stay at yours he doesn’t mind your son but when they go home to mum he resents your son.

You should be proud that he doesn't want to cut time with his kids, despite it being trickier logistically etc. Lots of Dadsare not co-parenting as they should but your partner sounds hands on. That is a huge positive.
Long term relationships are hard, there are peaks amd troughs. We all fall into mundane routines and forget to make the effort. So, you have to decide whether you are in it for the long haul, your kids wont remain kids for long and this phase will pass. We live in chaos at times and it is stressy, so I get that. But...this stage of life wont last forever.

As much as you are a part of their lives OP, those three DC have another TWO adults responsible for them.

How many adults are actively responsible for your DS? DP sounds resentful, and by your admission his DF isn't around as much as he should be. Your DS is your only priority.

Fwiw , I think you sound like such a lovely person. You are coming across as being in a vulnerable state...but so thoughtful and proactive.

There are so many of us rooting for you right now and sending you courage to take the necessary steps to leave this situation and live the life you deserve.💐

No his DF is not around very much, not regular. Maybe one weekend a month. It’s just been me parenting pretty much FT since we split when DC was a toddler. Thank you for reminding me of this. DP’s kids have him and X and X family close by. My DC has no one else but me.

I think whilst your concern feels genuine znd no doubt is, it is also a potential escape for you from making the hard choice of telling him he needs to move out to his flat and give your space.

His children have two parents to dupport and prioritise them, and they have.

Your son has just you, and you admit that you haven't always done that.
You have rightly remedied his birthday disaster.

His children are for him and his Ex to sort.

Your son desperately needs you to be the parent and put him first.

Do not get into a discussion with him about this.
That would be so wrong and could cause your child to feel guilt for YOUR choices.

Don't burden him further with the responsibility of this relationship breakdown, that would be so very wrong.

He needs protecting.
Your language needs to be simple and unequivocally clear to your son.

The relationship was not working for YOU.
YOU decided alone to end things.
YOU alone are responsible for the end of the relationship.

Your son has no responsibility whatsoever.

Be careful OP.
Do not allow your son to be confused and to feel responsible.

There in is potential disaster.

What have I said to make you think that I would or have communicated to my son that this is his fault?! I would never and have never done that. It would be far FAR worse to not tell him what is coming, surely, and just blindside him. He is a (very mature) almost secondary student and I have said to him that I am tired of living with DP and his kids and I would like to continue seeing DP but that will be DP’s choice. Jesus, can’t move an inch without the say so of the troops. Come on now. Srsly. What would you have me say? Nothing??

You caring about the impact on your DP's children shows what a kind hearted and caring woman you are. You clearly put others first, before your own needs and wants.

However, this isn't always a good thing. You only get one life, and you shouldn't have to live in this way simply because you are worried about DP's children. It's great that you care about them, but you need to start putting yourself first. They have two parents, and as unkind as this sounds, they are not your responsibility. I know that sounds horrible, I know I'd be feeling like you do in this situation, but ultimately, it's not fair on you to stay in this situation. It'll only continue to impact negatively on you, which may also have a knock on affect for your own child.

As hard as it is, please put yourself first and live a happy life.

Thank you. I shall.