AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

OP has confirmed that he still pays maintenance to his ex-wife, even though they have a 50/50 split.

🤦🏾‍♀️

The ONLY post on here with good advice 👏.

The only good advice is that a man sees his children less ? What the fuck?

“ He wants a nanny with a fanny “ , such a crass phrase.
Followed by your simplistic view “ if he doesn’t want to live separately, then you know he was just using you “ 🙄

Where exactly does it say , “ he should see his children less “ ?
What the fuck ??

I don’t think you’ve understood the post that you are so convinced is the solution to the OP‘s problems
It’s not every other weekend currently with his children

Ignore the trolls OP, the story is triggering them and they can’t separate themselves from you. There is a lot in your story many women can relate to I think. And we’re all at different stages with acceptance. He is a common male archetype these days. And what you have been experiencing is intermittent reinforcement. Just enough to keep you hanging on, one day it will all be better, enough. But the best predictor of future events is today’s, and likely as the resentment continues to entrench it will become contempt. Not a good place to be and definitely not getting better.

Your updates have painted a clearer picture. He showed you right at the start who he was. Thankfully you had the self preservation to purchase the house on your own. But trying to ensure he was hard to remove before you really knew each other is a classic move. No one can sustain an inauthentic persona indefinitely, and deep down they know it. So marrying, having a baby, buying a house together very early on is a strategy. He wouldn’t have been better off financially his expenses would have been much higher and he barely manages now. What he would have been is hard to remove.

Whatever anger he has towards his ex and possibly women in general he playing out with you. Resentment for perfectly normal actions on your behalf. Setting it up to prove himself right - refusing to rent out his flat because £12k isn’t worth the effort? That’s £70,000 since he moved in.

This is why you didn’t buy with him, refused to consider marriage. You do see it, you just have to allow yourself to be in the reality of what is, not what you wish it was. Abusive people are not nasty even most of the time, no one would stay if they were. But intermittent reinforcement is one of the mostly costly things your nervous system can experience - constant uncertainty. No wonder you are tired, and that is part of what keeps you trapped too.

I know it’s not every other weekend, he sees his children for a full week every other week.
PP wasn’t proposing he should them less ?.

You only have his children EOW and so what is happening in the other 10 days ?
Could you bear the EOW chaos if you have a better relationship the rest of the time ? maybe you have to accept those weekends and focus on the in between time to improve your relationship between you two and that might make coping with his DC easier ?

they appear to be proposing or misunderstanding that it’s only every other weekend
It is not
And you were applauding it

except that it isnt EOW it is every other week - his kids are with her 50% of the time, AND he cant afford rent/ to pay the cleaner/ to save because he is still paying CM and cant be faffed with renting out his house, because it means a bit of inconvenience.

Added in he resents OP for not letting him be a part owner of the house because she sensibly put all her money from her own (obviously much bigger) pot into it and didnt want to be financially complicated after such a short period.

OP I think your kid likes having other kids to play with - you say your OP doesnt like his friends coming for sleepovers, and resents the fact he doesnt go off to his dads - does this mean that during the 50% when his kids are not there he is on his own. I know you said you had just drawn a line with this and invited a friend. I would thinkj that this probably has more to do with liking his kids than the actual kids per se.

You say one actively resents him. One likes him but is competitive, and one is basically meh. That doesnt sound like people he would necesarily choose as friends if he was allowed to have people he wanted there

I think that was a brilliant post from @FateAmenableToChange ·
Today 10:30👏🏻😊

No EOW is every other week not every other weekend ?

His children aren't just there every other weekend. They are there 50% of the time, so a week with their mum and a week with their dad in OP's house where he doesn't pay any rent.

It could be either, but the implication from that poster stating what’s happening on the other 10 days implies that she believes it’s every other weekend.
Although her maths is a bit off because there’s 12 days on accounted for if we think it’s every other weekend
And seven days on accounted for if they believe it, it’s every other week.
And again he/she does state if you could tolerate those weekends with the implication being that it is just a weekend every other weekend that the OP needs to tolerate.

The short version of it is you’ve applaud a post that makes absolutely no sense

No , excuse you .
You were Implying that pp was suggesting OPS partner should see his kids less , she wasn’t implying that at all !!
Infact she never said such a thing .
She gave good advice in that OP & her partner should have a chat when the kids aren’t around , & if they worked on their relationship OP may not feel so stressed when they have her partners kids which is true !!

So yes, I will 👏 her advice to OP because how can you say that statement doesn’t make a lot of sense ?

everybody else seems to be able to see what you can’t so I’m going to give up on you.
Applauded away, you’ll look like a deranged sea lion

When I have more time I will read that post again incase I am missing something, for now though I feel I’m right in what I’m saying .
If I’m wrong I have no problem being corrected .

Now , better get dinner started , hope I don’t burn down the house in my deranged state !!!! 🤨

Of course he wouldn’t be happy because you’re being the cook, cleaner and all round responsible adult for him and his kids! I’d say he needs to find a little flat or even an air b n b for when his kids come. Each time maybe do a nice dinner or a day out but having them there 24/7 is clearly not working. It’s like he’s replaced their mum with you and letting you do everything. Probs why she sacked him off in the first place

My partner and I have been together 11 years, living together for 9. We are both divorced and have a blended family, 2 children each when we met. 3 of them are adults now. Families are not easy, even traditional families are not. I know enough where one parent is more permissive than the other, one carries more of the practical and mental load etc. The blended family concept has worked for us, my two children lived predominantly here with every other weekend and part of the school holidays at their father and stepmother's house (1.5 hours away, he moved). Vice versa my partner's children were at ours every other weekend and part of the holidays (their mum moved 1 hour away). Our kids always got on, ages are now 22, 21, 21 and 15 (so one still at home). The older ones regularly visit, go on a summer holiday with us etc. It requires patience, compromise and generally putting the kids first. I am missing how old the kids in your case are, how long you have been together and how fast you moved together. I also wonder from your post whether the blended family is the problem or the relationship itself. If you two are not a team, it won't work.

Why did he stop paying rent? Do you have a mortgage? I assume at least all household expenses are split with him contributing more for food on account of 3 children vs 1? Of course it doesn't need to be market rate 50% rent, but nothing is not reasonable.

That's quite a bit of an assumption without knowing nothing about the circumstances of the ex-wife. My partner and I have a blended family with ex-partners, step-parents etc. We never had a 50/50 model because our respective former partners moved too far away, but it is quite common nowadays and it doesn't imply that one side wouldn't want to have their children more. Did I miss something that you base your theory on?

You know you can click see all on OP's posts?

Use his own argument against him OP. Tell him it's not working and he needs his own place and to be paying into his own mortgage. It's true. He's in your house and your house is keeping up with the market. He is not. Therefore he needs his own place to make sure he's not left behind and left with a one bed flat. He's right..so bye bye. And have your relationship from two homes.
Never marry this man.

OMG can't new posters at least read all the OP's posts?