AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

Pithybeaker to Liveshives

There’s someone else who is benefiting from the situation- the DPs ex , the mother of his kids.

She’s having every other week off. No kids, absolute peace, time to go out and enjoy herself.

She certainly doesn’t want the situation to change with the risk she’ll have her own children back full time while her ex is looking to find somewhere (or someone) to live or live with.

I’ll bet she’s told him that she can’t possibly cope with having the children back full time as she’s committed to something and can’t change it, probably a new fellow.

WTF why shouldn’t the father of her child take equal responsibility for them?

It’s hardly the mother’s fault that he’s not got the capacity to look after them without the OP

I would split up with him. My sanity is everything. Your partner has existing mental problems which will probably get worse with age.

sounds like you do all the leg work in the relationship, whilst he brings lots of baggage.

He refuses to discipline his kids & it’s your house. Outrageous.

Strangers trashing my home I wouldn’t put up with. Absolutely not. And yes, his kids are like strangers to you. They clearly don’t respect you, which is bad news, and no, it has nothing to do with ADHD which everyone seems to have now.

Wait until you drop dead and you have 3 very selfish step kids demanding YOUR cash whilst your own child is brow beaten to shut up and accept such a terrible injustice. Meanwhile your DP kids’ mother is laughing all the way to the bank.

Blended families never work out. Always non-blood who are demanding cash, assets or valuable time, favours, what they can get out of the relationship.

About a month ago was a similar post. Woman with her own house with a man no assets who had his own kid who was demanding the step-mum fund him through university which meant the home-owning mum wouldn’t be able to fund her own child through university.

Why don’t people wake up to this injustice?

Start recognising men who are looking for a nurse with a purse in the same way that men should be looking out for gold diggers using them.

You’d be very surprised. You think you won’t meet another, but I tell you right now, yes you will and you will meet a lot of men who don’t have issues, loads of kids who trash YOUR home. And a man who treats you and your home with respect.

I agree 1000% with this. The kids mother is laughing her head off dumping her riot kids with another woman who is doing all the child-minding whilst she tarts herself up to go on the pull with a new bloke.

This sounds like you’re the one getting the rough end of the bargain. The only really solid reason I can see that would make me feel I should stick at it would be if my own child really saw your partners children as quasi siblings and would really miss the “fun” when they’re there. I’m from a large family and had three children myself and I sometimes feel bad that my daughter has no sisters, so maybe four would have been even better. Just to say that I’m coming from a position that it’s basically nice for the children to have a large family but tougher for the parents.

However these are step siblings so the relationship may be a lot less significant to the children. You say they get on but also that there is unhealthy competition so I’m not clear what your own DC would think if that relationship ended - maybe he wouldn’t care much?

That would be my main concern - how he would feel about no longer having those children as part of his family. If he didn’t really care, then it’s up to you if you want to keep struggling on.

Wow, sista who needs enemies

Oh sorry I missed this. Yeah that’s an issue then, or it would be for me. I think I’d start by looking for ways for you to have less stress when they’re there then, like having their dad step up more in terms of enforcing house rules. You could say that it’s not fair on your DC, them having different rules and that he needs to help you with that when they’re in your house. No matter if he doesn’t care - it’s your house, they need to learn to respect that, and only he can enforce it really.

I don't think it's possible to say it would be undoubtedly better without knowing the relationship OP's DC has with her DP. Obviously DC has come from a previous relationship and a separation at this critical time of their schooling, assuming they are close to DP might be very disruptive. OP talks about good times, so maybe it would be better to sit down with DP and talk about this and see if there is a way forward first.

I think you'd better read all the OP's posts.

Good luck @PithyBeaker - you see to be a strong and sensible loving mother so wish you all the best for the convo on Friday.

None of us know your reality so it’s entirely up to you to do what you feel is best and right for you and your son xx

I realise I'm very late to this party but this is exactly why my partner and I didn't move in together while kids were young! But you know shoulda. Woulda, could a!!
knew I'd never manage as a step parent (he would have) and I loved my freedom and basically had my cake and ate it for about 12 years.
It can work xx

He could stop paying his ex then he’ll have some more money OP.

Why the hell would you suggest OP vacate HER OWN HOME for this man who resents her for not putting him on the deeds, essentially, and wants to continue living there with his 3 children while NOT paying rent???

It's all right.
Things have moved on since this post.

This sounds an awful set up, how can it be good for your DC?

RTFT

Of course it’s going to be harder - for him! But the current situation is harder for you, why should he trump you?

Sorry, but he sees you as a meal ticket. I bet you’d find that if the house was his, miraculously he would be screaming at his kids to tidy up.

you don’t like the unhealthy competition between his kids and your child? It’s more than that though isn’t it? - his kids are a bad influence on your child and you know it.

don’t expect to get a straight answer from your kid either - they probably feel bad and pressurised and scared to tell you they are not happy with these bullying step-siblings who steal all their toys, make them feel bad, and hog all their mum’s time.

the situation will get much much worse and draining as your partner’s brats get to teenagers and essentially you are getting untold stress and resentment for nothing.

you need to formulate an exit plan as your partner is actually taking you for a ride, but you just can’t see it.

what you want, counts for nothing to him and you’re actually just a meal ticket to him.

to say you’re getting a raw deal is understatement of the century.

sounds like he’s getting free rent, a housekeeper, cook, childminder, free money, a roof over his head, cleaner, general dogsbody, etc. No wonder he’s got a smile on his face and is cracking jokes.

Dont even kid yourself that your kid is happy with this situation. If his bratty kids didn’t dominate the house so much, that would free up time and space for your kid to pick his/her own friends from school to have sleepovers and hang out.

Amen!

You have a strange idea of love. He’s using you and it’s absolutely plain to see.

the fact that he won’t budge because he wants it all his way is a major red flag.

As for saying your DC loves having his kids around I wonder. At that age, kids love one thing one minute and the following week they love the opposite.

in his kids teenage years, I dread to think how you will be strong armed to part with your cash to fund their lifestyle.

it’s time to have that conversation where you say it’s not working out and he needs to move out and you get your peace and quiet back and more importantly, your sanity.

Yes and the best role model both fathers and mothers can be is not to be a meal ticket for the other, both men and women use the other whether as a bank, a child minder, housekeeper

Exactly OP. It’s your house and he’s the cocklodger.

Sounds like he wants 50/50 split to avoid paying CMS…

True, but he does get their dad 24/7 as they live in the same house full time.