AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

Yes he has no excuse to not leave as soon as ops says. Because the has an entire empty flat.

A silver lining.

Best not give him any heads up incase he rents it out so that he can claim he has no-where to go!
Actually him leaving it empty makes me think he's acting on impulse/instinct rather than having a strategy here, so if OP can be careful & strategic she may be able to maneuver him out without too much stress.
I dont think anything needs to be off the table, eg, pretend it's a temp' separation, then realise that her life is so much easier and do not entertain having him back.
Do & say whatever it takes to reclaim your territory OP, once your safe space is truly safe & private you'll be able recharge, strengthen yourself, etc.

@PithyBeaker

You speak of love, and of the fact that he's 'not a monster'.

I'm old and I've seen and done a lot! So take this from me; there are times when love is simply not enough. And when a person isn't 'bad' or 'a monster', they just aren't right for you. This is one of those times.

You can love someone to distraction and they could even be a prince among men, but that doesn't mean that it will be a 'happily ever after'. There are just some problems that are insurmountable.

And his attitude and behaviour towards you and towards your son (being in his own home 'too much') are exactly that, insurmountable. You can't change someone who doesn't think they need to change, who truly thinks they are in the right. And who wants his wants and welfare to be at the very centre of every decision you make. And that certainly does NOT make him a prince among men!

Also, if you haven't please look up the sunk costs fallacy. It doesn't matter if it's been 5 years or 50 years, there is no point in staying in a bad relationship.

I'm glad you plan on speaking to him on Friday. But remember, you aren't asking, you're telling. And that you will not hesitate to 'get official' if he doesn't agree to leave. Remember that he has a LOT more to lose by being nasty than you do.

And please don't give him an inordinate amount of time to wear you down get out. He doesn't need more than a few days to get out. FWIW when I decided that DH wasn't going to stop drinking, I managed to get my things out of the house and moved into storage, find a flat, and then get my things moved from storage to there all within 72 hours. And your DP already has a flat to take his things to!

I don't know your schedule, but I'd suggest having 'the talk' at the beginning of the week he does NOT have his DC. That way there will be no excuse for him not to get gone ASAP. He can get out in 3-4 days and still have 3-4 days to set up the flat, even less needed to set up if the flat still has his furniture in it. Remember, it only took me 3 days to get my things in my new place.

Well tough shit. You're clearly not happy, and you only get one life.

Good luck @PithyBeaker for Friday, x

This is exactly what I was going to suggest.
Win win

Its really, really, really hard. Partner with 3 kids...all have mental health issues, its been 16 years of slog but as he says he couldn't have got through all the issues without my support. Nonetheless, they are adults now and there are still issues and am afraid to say that I had a very honest chat with him a couple of months ago to say that I will not be spending the rest of my life propping up his adult kids and that will be for him to do alone. I love him so much, but am done and exhausted. Please be strong, headfast and set out what YOU need, otherwise you just end up working around everyone else's needs. Xx

I’m rooting for you OP. A poster earlier suggested that any way of getting him to leave to his own flat, even on the premise of needing some time and space, will help you reclaim your space. I think that’s so wise. It’ll be so much easier to assess what you want from a clear, boundaried distance - and his responses and behaviour will tell you a lot.

Some invaluable advice someone once gave me was that we don’t need to have a ‘good’ reason to break up with a man. Women are conditioned to think that we need a proper reason - the only reason you need is that it’s not working for you.

If it helps mine is a success story I met my husband when my youngest was one and his youngest was 5. He had two I had three and their weekends as little children were so hard I can’t tell you when we have five of them wrecking the house and being loud.
Well we lived apart for around 3:4 years but he would always come over in the day with the kids and sometimes stay with them which I found hard but thankfully we didn’t live together so I got a lot of breaks with just my own children.
He fully moved in when his youngest was 9 and mine was 5. We had our own together just one after 8 years together and she really did bring us all together as one family.
Anyway we’ve been together 13 years now got married a year ago have a nice house cars etc but it was hard it was very hard I defo wouldn’t do it again but it’s been worth the end result. Our oldest four children were very close in age think six month Gaps between each one and our oldest one is now 21 and my oldest is 20 and his two rarely come now as have jobs lives studying etc.
But when all our kids do meet up they have an amazing time and laugh together and I have a good relationship with them.

It can work out but it isn’t easy at all and takes work both sides. I think we lasted as we didn’t live together fully for a long time and that helped but we were together a lot.

I would say we are at a happy place now and we got through the hardest years the jealousy between siblings the struggling for money list goes on but my husband has given me a good life and he’s my best friend I’m glad we worked on it. Our kids calm each other brothers and sisters now which they are by marriage.

It’s going to take work on both sides but it could all work out I would rush into anything.

IME the starting point for men is often: 'she's just a woman, what's she gonna do'. They feel they inherently outrank you and will always be the victor. They dont think things through or have a strategy because you are a subordinate and not worth the effort.
This can work on the woman's favour, the fact that the OP hasnt pushed back much or asserted her rights could potentially make it easier to blindside him so that he has no real defense.

First post nailed it as per usual.
To add my bit...of course he doesn't want to move out and fund himself and look after his kids. Can't you see that!!!! It's pure self interest.
He's happy for you to get stressed and clean the poo poo and pay a cleaner and, and ,and.
But you bring it up with him and nothing changes.

"You hold the keys to your own prison " I heard on Mumsnet once.

This situation will only get better for you if he:
A) wakes up and changes to an extent that makes it acceptable to you
B) moves out and you carry out your life from two houses.

If you do nothing everything will continue.
I am in a vaguely similar situation and it has taken me YEARS to see what is going on.
When DH out of control son comes down I go on holiday...like now. I spent to many holidays working, cleaning, entertaining his kids and all I got was told to stop moaning if I ever complained. Never a thank you or my work acknowledged.
Now I go on holiday and let him get on with it. Is house being messed up and potentially trashed a bit. Yes. But at least I'm not seeing it and will clean when I get home.
If DSS was to move in permanently it would be two houses. I just couldn't do it. And I wouldn't do it. There is a line for me. I love my DH dearly but I am not cleaning up his sons filthy mess and entertaining him whilst being unappreciated and completely used.

I also think that is an excellent suggestion to ask him to leave and give you some space, if that gets him out quietly.

You can then bag up everything.

It really is about your safety.

I also think the post who spelt out FOG to you, has hit the nail on the head.

You have been so worn down by the chaos that you are like a "boiled frog analogy"...google it.....this has crept up upon you and through posting the scales have finally fallen.

You will get through this, but don't be surprised if he does everything he can to hold on to this comfy gog he has got with you.

I feel for you so much, I can see how torn you are
Other posters have given you so much sensible and thoughtful advice, the thing that stands out for me in this post is you not telling your friends exactly what’s happening - that is a clear sign that you know deep down that they will be horrified and worried about you

You are young, this is absolutely not your last chance. You could do better.
I am 60,my youngest child has just left home and I have recently met someone. You can do better than this.

@PithyBeaker
earlier someone said it’s like your waiting for permission to leave this

I and probably the whole of Mumsnet is giving you permission to get rid of this ponce😂

you say he might be your last chance at being happy
but your not happy your miserable and resentful and rightly so

he won’t go without a “fight “ he’s got a cushy set up with you and no way will he want to give it up

But he’s pretty stupid and it shows is actual contempt of you to say that he won’t go back to his flat , that he won’t rent out his flat
he can’t even be bothered to bring you a cup of coffee - something that takes less than a minute to do - and he can’t even be bothered to do that for you

he’s that cocky that you won’t tell him to go
he has got you right where he wants you to be

I really hope for you and your sons sake you kick him to the kerb asap

I tried it once and it totally drained me. Never again.

I get what you mean a blended family is hard I’m in one, but every other weekend with the kids shouldn’t be that bad, you need to tell him how you want it to be when the kids are there and he should be paying for half of the cleaner! Anyone’s house would get messy though with that many kids it isn’t ever going to be perfect. Plus the kids are there to spend time with their dad not you, can he not take them out for the day or you and your child go out for the day and then only spend one weekend day together?

As a side note though he should absolutely be paying rent and half the bills OP, cock lodger is a mumsnet word for men that are free loaders, he needs to start paying asap or get his own home. I would say that would be your main issue other than mess from visiting children.

Good luck for Friday darling. Will keep an eye out for updates. Sending love and strength. Also I’m sure you’re aware he will try anything and everything for you to change your mind. Please be strong. Write down everything you want and re read everytime you may have a wobble. Keep busy and remember time in precious. Nothings promised tomorrow you know exactly what you want from your life and for your child’s. Good luck. I’m sure after a few weeks you will feel relief.

Oh sorry just realised they are there every other week not every other weekend. Eee god I couldn’t do that for another 3 kids that weren’t my own!! Jesus no wonder you are stressed, that is a lot, particularly if they are ND. He absolutely needs to contribute rent you’re housing his kids for a full week every other week. Not sure what to suggest OP sorry other than separate homes or stricter rules being enforced when they’re in your home.

RTFT

"maybe just not one who has bugger all to his name aside from a one bedroom flat"

Lots of good people only have a one bedroom flat. It doesn't make you a loser.

Refusing to rent it out and living somewhere else without paying you way might do though.

He is a piss taker. And you are keeping him.

As for the term Blended Family this was invented by.the Media. A nicey, nicelterm so as not to offend anyone.

Some blended families seem to get by OK depending on the circumstances.

Other seems to be living in a stressful rugby scrum hell, with not enough money in cramped houses where everybody in lumped together.

You "will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end?" CORRECT

Why is it going to his ex when they do 50/50?

50-50 does not necessarily negate the need to pay child support depending on the income disparity
Plus, sometimes the other Party needs financial support to literally survive and take care of his kids who by the sounds of it are quite little
That’s not the bad part of all of this