AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

Thank you. Not fussed about finding someone else. Frankly, I’ll be most happy if we can make it work living separately. But let’s see. Either way, cohabiting has run its course.

And that’s fine. But in a few years you might feel differently.

This is absolutely heartbreaking. Unforgivable. Don’t kid yourself that your son wants this!

Interesting. Really hope it doesn’t come to this.

Even after everything you’ve supposedly “realised” on this thread, you still want a relationship with him?

how can you look him in the eye after how he’s treated you and your son?

i’m sure he’ll talk you round into staying, you obviously still want him around in some manner and he will seize on that

Frankly, I’ll be most happy if we can make it work living separately.

Do you think that's realistic given the situation?

You know he's very manipulative and he's left you to be overwhelmed by his kids. He's drained you emotionally and financially. But most importantly, he resents your son. Do you still think you can overlook that and keep him in your life?

He's probably going to really fight moving out. He's very likely to show emotionally abusive behaviour and yes, you have to be prepared for anything. If he threatens suicide, you have to call the police. If it's real, he gets treatment, if it's not he learns he can't manipulate you that way.

Think about boundaries beforehand and how to assert them when he's laying the guilt on.

You likely should have someone like your sister nearby in case the talk goes really poorly.

The one really fortunate thing about your situation, OP, is that you didn't give in and buy the house together with him, but you held out and bought it on your own, despite his pressure. That shows that you do have some real backbone and you should be proud of yourself; you just need to summon it up again when you ask him and his children to leave. Find your anger and tell him to go! Good luck

This thread has been an utter rollercoaster hasn’t it @PithyBeaker !
Its as if you thought you were stood in a field and couldn’t find the gate to get out- but every time a comment has hit home a tree has sprung up and gradually you have realised you are in a wood.
You couldn’t see the wood for the trees.
Now you can and you realise you can simply walk away from all of this.
You can leave all these trees behind and go back to your home with your son.

I’m really pleased that you can see that this has not been good for your son and that as time went on it would hve got a lot worse - I could see the three stepkids not going to university and living with you f/t. Then the two bedroom sharers would have demanded to have a bedroom each since ‘your son wasn’t there and they were’. The cuckoo’s would have finally pushed your son out of the nest.

Be strong. Rope in your sister for support.
Pack ALL OF THEIR STUFF and get them out. Then there’s no need for them to keep coming back.
Change the locks -small price to pay- and get a ring doorbell.
Seriously, this will be a wonderful change for you and your son.
You will be -like Dobby the house elf -Freeeeee!
Sending you and your precious ious boy hugs 🤗 galore.

Oh no. Your house of cards that you've carefully built for yourself to balance on to justify inaction is collapsing. How can you say it's best for your child to live with a step sibling who resents him?
You also have absolutely no clue what's about to hit with the teenage years. It's impossible to explain what parenting a teen is like to someone who hasn't done it, and parenting a bunch of them especially with different parenting styles and no shared parent is going to be awful. And now you say that they don't have this lovely sibling relationship you claimed after all? I'm hardly shocked, but I think you should have a real reflect about why you tried so hard to convince yourself that it's good for your DC to share their home with these children.

@PithyBeaker I'm afraid @Liveshives may very well be right. He is 100% not going to want to go. Unless you are lucky he is going to dig in like a superglued whelk and will no doubt use any weapon to hand, up to and including getting your own child to sorrowfully plead to you with tearstained face not to evict his darling step siblings. Once the gloves are off ...

This is the man who has shut down each and every request to change things so that they are a bit fairer, who has guilted you into not charging him any rent, who has openly told you he resents you and blames you for his current economic situation and one of his children (maybe the one with the 'worst' SN so is unable to hide their true feelings?) openly dislikes and resents your DS. Frankly, he's so confident he's got you where he wants you that he doesn't even try!

I fear either @Liveshives timeline or a vast love bomb session and "but I was just about to propose to you so let's get married!"

Please stand firm and think of your DS. Lots of hugs and good luck wishes are winging their way to you from me and other MNetters x

I have already told him I won’t marry him because I won’t dispossess my son. He knows this. I said all this earlier on the thread.

Routing for you @PithyBeaker

It’s never easy finishing a relationship when you live together but hopefully you’ll gain strength from the might of the Mumsnet coven.

Does he want to marry you? Absolutely don't under any circumstances.

Jesus, call off the dogs of judgment, will you. Enough. You’ve all been great and I thank you. But there’s only so much battering I need to take here. This thread has done for me what it needed to do, I am clear what I need to do and, frankly, continuing to bash me might make you feel good but perhaps take a look at that. I’ve already said I’m going to ask him to move out. I will not take no for an answer. That is enough. Any further battering is just sadistic on your part. Despite what many of you seem to think, I am an intelligent and resilient person. I’m not a perfect mother but I promise you all that none of you are either. Thanks for your help and concern so far but I’m going to be dipping out of this thread now. I will update after Friday if I feel it’s right.

@PithyBeaker I have already told him I won’t marry him because I won’t dispossess my son. He knows this. I said all this earlier on the thread.

So you did. Apologies, I'd forgotten.

Best of luck. This sounds a really shit situation for you to get through. I appreciate the words of random strangers on the internet probably mean little but I (and many others) are rooting for you and keeping our fingers crossed all goes as well as it can

Good luck for Friday but definitely make sure someone knows your plan or have someone with you.

Yes -utterly good luck for Friday.
I’ll be thinking of you and your boy.
You can do this, we belive in you.
Ignore the bashers -you are not stupid. You are not the first woman to make a mistake and you will not be the last.
Im really proud of you. If you were my friend I would be there like a shot assisting you with the packing.
Please update if you can.

The very best of luck to you.
Definitely tell your sister your plan and have your phone and your car keys in your pocket on you.

You are not the first woman to join the dots and be stunned with what you realise has been going on.

We are on your side and really want the best for you.

I'm in my 60's and my 40's was definitely a great decade for me and my friends.

You can do this.

The one thing you have on your side is he has somewhere to go. More fool him for not renting it out. He can move back anytime.

All the very best to you for Friday @PithyBeaker

I'm glad you're taking these steps.

I sincerely hope that your boyfriend will accept the situation.

Good luck! And have another hug.

I think @PithyBeaker has come a long way really fast just since the thread began. She's been living in a FOG of having a manipulative partner feeding her bullshit and guilt and when she sought therapy, the "right" thing, her therapist essentially sabotaged her by telling her to compromise and drop her standards. So add that voice of authority in a sense, and Pithy has been operating blind. She's been kept off balance living in a house full of chaos. So she has done what her therapist suggested and found reasons to stay. She looked for good things to hold onto when she's actually miserable. She's been told to ignore her feelings and screw boundaries by a loved partner and her therapist. That's a potent combo.

Now that she's had more doubts and sought support online, she's found she's not being unreasonable. The fog is lifting and once that happens, there's no going back. She's admitted failing her son and that's huge. She's going to see more and more.

I agree that different parenting styles in the same home with unrelated kids are unworkable. She's already miserable. I also agree she has no idea what's going to hit in those teen years. His teens will be challenging to say the least, and there's going to be her partner and her son getting to that stage of who's top dog conflict and her partner already resents her son. That's a dynamic I've seen play out over and over in family and friends and it usually ends with the son moving out of the home.

Good luck OP!

I hope he shows his best side and sees your points, is graceful about it, and works to improve your relationship living apart.

But that is up to him.

You are making the best decision for yourself and your DC. How this man reacts will tell you anything you have left to find out about him.

Good luck OP. You are doing the right thing. Don’t be swayed by grand gestures or promises to change. He’s had enough chances.

He is a total piss taker.

Ignore some of the really unkind comments. Enjoy the rest of your holiday and good luck for Friday. It’s always hard and awful to (maybe) end a relationship. You’ve had so much good advice on this thread, and I think an awful lot of us have put up with less than ideal behaviour in relationships despite being professionals with decent careers and good friends etc. We can only learn

I've been reading from the start and I'm pleased to see you're coming to a firm decision. You have expressed really clearly all the things that have made your decision difficult and I don't blame you but I'll add my voice that you have to put yourself and your child first. I remember my mum telling me my step father was moving out when I was about 8. I cried even though I didn't particularly like him because I was sad for him and because I was uncertain what things would look like with just me and her. If you can explain to DS what will happen and that life will be calmer, he'll be just fine. Especially if you can give him examples like being able to have sleepovers etc.
Before you chat with your partner, you need to be clear with yourself what you need and then present him with his options. Staying how you are isn't one of them and it's his choice then what he wants to do moving forward.

It will help you stay strong if you get straight in your head what his objections will be and how he will try and push back against your decision. For example:

• You've mentioned that he doesn't rent his flat out because it wouldn't be worth it and the mortgage cancels out any rental income but at the minute he's having to pay the mortgage out of pocket so he would be better off even if not making a profit.
• He hasn't been able to build any assets as you wouldn't buy with him but he could have been saving the amount he would have been contributing to a shared mortgage for all this time.
• It's his choice to pay more maintenance than he needs to, if he can't afford it without you subsidsing him, he'll have to adjust.
• Moving back to a flat he's already paying for will be cramped but he'll be saving all the money he's contributing to your shared household currently so it doesn't have to be long term.

He can move into the flat temporarily while he gets himself straight and saves up a buffer then rent the flat out so he doesn't have the mortgage expense and rent somewhere bigger until the kids are independent. If he can't afford to do that, how was he ever going to contribute to a shared mortgage as well as pay shared bills and maintenance money?

You can't set yourself on fire to keep him warm and how he decides to deal with his options is his business. It will be very tempting to try and sort things out for him, but other than having a calm rebuttal for every one of his arguements, it's not your job.

You can be sympathetic to the fact that his life is going to change and be sad that setting boudaries that you can live with may mean the end of your relationship but that isn't the same as sacrificing yourself for him to have everything he wants.

A PP touched on being way down the list of priorites. There should always be give and take in a relationship but his wants/desires shouldn't come above your needs.

Stay strong!