AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

So - the DP has moved into your son’s home, but doesn’t want your son to be there as much.

He’s a selfish man and your son will come last in his own household.

I know you don’t want to be by yourself, but I can almost guarantee that when this man’s children are teens and things are shit you’ll be desperate for some peace and quiet. He’s a poor parent to his children, 2 of 3 are ND meaning the teen years are likely to be more challenging for them (and you) AND he doesn’t want your son around as much.

Your son’s needs have come last to the man you’ve moved in.

If you won't do it for yourself, OP, do it for your son; the man actively wants to take over his home and push him out so he's around less. I couldn't love any man who treated my children like that.

I haven’t told most of my friends IRL all the details. My sister knows the most and she thinks you’re all right FWIW.

I agree with a PP that there is probably going to be conflict between your teen DS and DP. Sons and stepdads often have conflictual interactions and DS will soon realise that he isn’t wanted in his own home.

I will do it, for both of us. I’m making plans to have DC out of the house on Friday when I’m back to talk to him.

and just to say: thank you all, and especially the regular commenters, for helping me think through this. It is very compelling to see it all spelled out so clearly. Appreciate you all (even the rude name-callers, honestly). Thank you

OMG, I'm sorry, but that is really really shocking.

You cannot deny that you have put this awful man ahead of that poor boy, even on his birthday?

I actually cannot believe a mother would do that to her only child on his birthday.

Your judgement is so off.
Your compass and loyalty is so off.

That is so sad to read.
That poor little fellow, even on his birthday he is not a priority.

IMO that is absolutely emotional neglect of him.

You sound like a nice woman, but you have completely and utterly lost your way as a mother.

Your priorities are yourself and this awful man that you fancy so much.

Children do not forget.
I think you will have resentment and harsh judgement of you in the future.

Birthdays are so special to Children, especially pre teens.
Yet his needs aren't even a priority on that one day.

I really think you need to take a hard look at your priorities.

I know I am being harsh, but your choices and priorities are woeful.

He wants your child there less. Your child your house, the child he knew you had 99% of the time.

He had three children in a 1 bed flat 50% of the time. Moved into your house taking over 2 bedrooms and sharing yours and he had the audacity to want your son there less.

Your son wanted a sleep over but you said no because you couldn’t cope with more children in the house, because of his children.

He will most definitely be waiting to push your son out of the nest his firmly got himself and his children in.

Kick out the partner and children, have more sleepovers for your son and don’t let him be pushed out the nest for a man that won’t even take responsibility or blame for anything. It’s his ex’s fault he hasn’t got a house, it’s your fault he hasn’t got a house. It’s ex fault his poor it’s your fault his poor. Well he could of used his flat deposit on even a shared ownership house and had a house he picked a way too small flat, he could use an agency to rent out his flat and not be so poor. He could sell the flat even if he can’t get back what he paid and have a lump sum in his pocket. He could take some blame for his own actions but why would he when everyone panders to his woe is me.

I really hope you follow through and get the lot of them out.

Clean and bleach your house of them.
Then organise a late sleepover for your son.

One other thing just to drive home how volatile this situation could become.

Your son as a teenager, pushed out of his own home is so vulnerable to losing his way, coming into bad company, going anywhere to avoid going home.

Your situation is EXACTLY how some teens lose their way and destroy their lives.

4 against 1 is what your son is up against in his home, and you on the sidelines.

The consequences for your son would be life long and catastrophic.

Of course he doesn’t want to move—he lives rent-free, can do gaming all evening, and someone else pays a cleaner to tidy up after his children. Why would he want to move?!?!

Your friends don't know much about your situation. You haven't told them the details because you know things are unfairly weighted against you and your son.
So the people who know and care about you don't know. You haven't had people IRL saying "what are you thinking? This man is financially abusing you and your child (yes, and your child, OP). Face facts. He is only concerned with what suits him and his kids. To your child's detriment. You know if you tell him to move out it will be over. Sorry, you need to bite the bullet. He is not on your side.

This man will be aware that one of the reasons you want to keep him around is that your son enjoys having his children there. It's completely understandable that you want your child to be able to enjoy the company of other children, but when you focus on this you overlook the fact that this man thinks your son is there too much of the time!
As others have pointed out, as soon as he feels he can get away with it, as soon as he feels he has nothing to lose by doing so, he will start trying to get rid of your son. It will be easy for him, he'll be able to turn his children against your child.

Your son couldn’t have a birthday party because of this crazy setup? That should be a lightbulb moment for you. This genuinely keeps getting worse. Please get them out. Now. I promise you’ll feel lighter the second it’s done. However nice he pretends to be (or, kindly, actually is), it doesn’t make up for being a useless man in too many other ways. He will happily walk away from you if he gets a better offer - though hard to see who would do more for him than you. Useless man can’t even bring you a coffee now and again??!

No OP it's not the same at all.

He brought three into your house.
His three trash your house.
His three need a paid cleaner that you pay for.
His three have additional needs.
His three's additional needs are expected to be met by you while he gets overwhelmed and games.

Did you put your into his house rent free?
Does your kid trash his flat?
Does your kids presence in his flat require a paid cleaner?
Do you run off and play bloody computer games when your kid is running riot , leaving DP to cope with all four?
Do you sulk when he mentions the difficulties he's facing bringing up your kid in his house?
Do you refuse to move out because you've got it made in his flat, rent free, childcare, unlimited use of the PS4 when you're overwhelmed?
Are you content with the situation while ignoring his discontent?
Would you tell him to " fuck off" if he suggested living in different houses?

And I’ve just messaged his friends’ mums about the sleepover after birthday party.

I've been there, the man is moody and bad tempered and you end up feeling as if you're in the wrong. You feel guilty, you try to appease him.
I think it's partly because he's a man, because he's so much bigger than me, his voice is more powerful. I'm not scared of him, I always give us good as I get, I will shoot him down in flames without a moments hesitation. I'm extremely confident that he would never lash out and physically hurt me, even if I attacked him I know he would never hurt me. But something in me still feels intimidated by him because he's a man and he's much bigger than me, it's like an animal instinct, it's hard to suppress it.

I'm sorry.

You sound very, very ground down by your living situation.

And you sound like someone in the FOG of fear, obligation, and guilt.

You're afraid of being without a partner.

You feel obligated to help him meet his needs and deal with his problems and children and that's in part due to his manipulating you via guilt trips.

You feel guilt that your son is not in a good living situation and you can't fix things when your partner blames you. When it's pointed out, you can see that his guilt trips aren't rational.

You're feeling trapped and your decisions have come out of you being in that FOG and being with a manipulative partner. The FOG has kept you stuck too long in what's turned into a toxic relationship.

Your having a discussion with him about your living situation is a first step of action. I think you might want to seek some support from your sister and friends because your partner is manipulative and he's got a lot to lose here, like a basically free home for he and his 3 unruly kids. He's going to lay the guilt on thick and your therapist dropped the ball when they encouraged you to drop your boundaries instead of strengthening them.

Wishing you strength.

He is preventing you from having a real relationship. It's very telling that he says he won't be enjoying life for 10 years until his children are independent. At the moment he needs you to house them and pay to clean up after them. When he doesn't need that, he'll be off on his own to be single.

You didn't 'prevent' him from buying a house, he didn't have the money to do so (unless you were supplying most of it). He had half, at most. Again, he sees your role as the willing provider for his family.

How lazy does a person have to be to not bother renting out an empty apartment? Sure why would he need the extra money when he has yours and has convinced you he shouldn't pay rent?

That really interesting, I hadn’t thought about it like that. Fair point.

@PithyBeaker And I’ve just messaged his friends’ mums about the sleepover after birthday party.

I'm so glad to read that! I noticed you didn't reply to me asking whether his children actually actively liked yours and would choose to spend time in his company if it was slightly inconvenient to them but you've had so many questions I wouldn't be surprised if you'd missed mine! But I'm so glad to hear you are prioritising his friend/s whom he likes and who like him instead of him wearing out his social energies on 3 children who will probably be perfectly happy never to give him a second thought if they weren't having to tolerate him as part of their living arrangements.

I hope your DS has a lovely birthday and sleepover and really, really hope you get this awful situation rectified x

Can I just give you a hug and tell you your doing the right thing. Your son will be fine and his friends can come over whenever he wants.
Better ti have a happy peacefully mum than a frazzled worn out mum.
Please keep us updated and stay strong.
It's not your only chance if happiness any man would be proud to have you in his life xx

There is such a lot of insight on this thread. I hope that those who have criticized the op can now see that her situation made it impossible for her to see things clearly and objectively.
As others have pointed out this man has a lot to lose, his life will get much harder if he's no longer able to exploit the OP. It seems unlikely that he will be willing to go quietly.

I think one of the kids he does genuinely get on with and they like each other, even if competitive. One of the others very obviously and actively resents my DC.

I’m really grateful and blown away by the insights people have laid down on this thread. Cocklodger. Not my monkeys. I am making these my own

If they like each other they can still socialise.

You can't force your son to live with people he's not related to, who resent him and want him out of his own home, with one of them being an adult. It's so unfair and damaging for him.

I think involving your sister and telling him you have reached out for support and are prepared to involve the police so that he understands that you are serious.
He needs to pack his shit up and that of his children and leave.

One thing, should he threaten to self harm, often the go to move of abusive men losing control, you contact the police immediately and hand over the situation to them.

Any threats to self harm are NOT yours to resolve.
They are for the police and SS to act on.

He has 3 children that HE is responsible for, not you.

This may seem extreme, but abusive controlling men like him that don't parent their feral children and live rent free do not give up easily.

Please take this very seriously.
Plan for the worst, and hope for the best.

But be prepared.