AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

Good, I'm glad that's your stance because the way your posts come across is completely not assertive or decisive.

@PithyBeaker I'm not going to comment on the outrageousness of the situation you and your DC have found yourselves in as I think it's been quite comprehensively covered already but do have a couple of points:

Do your partners children actually and actively like your child? Do you think that they would want to see him if they weren't living there and had to make an effort to see him? If the answer is no, then (sadly) sooner or later he will come to that realisation himself and it will eventually dawn upon him that he shared his childhood home with 3 kids who tolerated him because it was convenient for them and their father. That won't do his feeling of self worth all that big a favour and may make him question his perceived childhood happiness as he grows and wonders how much was a pretence 🙁

Your DS likes having them round as he enjoys their company but you have also said they aren't all that nice to him quite often. If you didn't have them there then maybe your DS could have more sleepovers and playdates. With friends who do like him. You'll have more money to spare if you're not supporting the Giant Leech & Co and could maybe take your DS and his friend/s out somewhere fun for the day and, once he's older, take a friend to an adventure park or on holiday with you too. You will have the time, flexibility and funds to help your DS build connections with friends, some of whom may last for life, rather than the current set up where much of his social energy is going into 3 siblings who will most likely never contact him again once they have left your home and gone out into the adult world.

And yes ... I would get him a dog!

He complains that your son spends too much time in his own home? Please tell me I’ve misunderstood this?

I think it’s important to picture your life 10 years in the future. You could easily end up 100s of thousands behind in savings, with 3 grown children still living with you and a fractured relationship with your own son who will have grown up in this chaos. You say he likes it, but you’ve said multiple times they have loads of screen time, endless chaos and are competitive with him - whatever that means - so he might vastly prefer life without this descending on him half the time. His mum’s partner seems to resent him for living there and you’re spending a decent amount of your time, energy and money on another family who doesn’t appear to be hugely appreciative.

Of course I appreciate there’s love there and you don’t hate everything, but this situation isn’t going anywhere better and you need to go into it with eyes wide open.

AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end?

I think that statement is unreasonable as blended families can work. However, of course going from a household of one child to four children is a lot of work and ultimately will feel like chaos.

Personally I would have been tempted to stay living separately under those circumstances.

Remember that trying to "talk" to someone so invested in exploiting you, who doesn't like you, who has resented you for years, who is so determined to use you, will not be easy.

He will probably be angry, abusive, upset, even cry and threaten to self harm, ...........ANYTHING, to get you back in your box accepting the status quo.

He is so far ahead of you and always has been.
You were spun a tale from the beginning, shown a completely false few of him.

He was so into you and spending time together.
Now he can't bear to even bring you a coffee such is his resentment.

He's a gamer.
He was ALWAYS a gamer.
He just hid that side of him.

You were sold a false facade.

Of course he isn't a monster.
It would be much clearer if he was.

But he is living off you, in your home, resenting your child in HIS home.

I agree that because of your abusive past you were primed for an abusive coercive relationship.

I think you would benefit from talking to Women's aid.

You are spending money on his Ex that should be put away for your childs future.

I know this is overwhelming but this is so far beyond his feral children taking over and thrashing your house, ...........though it definitely indicates how little he likes and respects you, that YOU pay to have YOUR house cleaned after his children thrash your house.

This is the environment your son is absorbing.
He deserves better.
You both do.

Oh and the idea that his children might move out, may never happen.
They live for free.
He's not going to pay for university.
How will they afford that?
Will their mother want 3 adult children that may or may not hold down jobs, living full-time with her?

You are possibly being primed for the long haul with the way housing is going.

He is well capable of making a claim after so many years which could result in YOU having to pay out money to him after years of him living in your house for free.

I keep repeating, he is so so far ahead of you.
You so need to wake up to how you no idea what is going on with him.

You do know that he resents you, doesn't want to spend time with you, resents your son, feels he shouldn't contribute rent.

Why is it so hard to believe that he has long term plans to bleed you dry.

All the time your house is thrashed.

This!! What is your response to this?!

No you haven’t. He says he has his kids 50% and I should do more to insist that his dad has him more. Which is a battle I fought and lost for years before he came on the scene and which I explained to him when we met.

He doesn’t want your son around and you love this man? Remove your head from the sand OP.

Being alone is ok. It’s actually a superpower to be happy alone. And you’ll still have friends, your child, and the space to find activities that bring you joy.

My ex isn’t a monster either, but I was definitely the frog in the boiling water. (Do you know that analogy? That it’s said that if you drop a frog into boiling water it will jump straight out, but heat the water up slowly and the frog will stay inside until it dies. We in abusive relationships are the frogs: the water heats up gradually, the relationship starts out lovely and boundaries are trampled over time, your sense of self is eroded over time, the abusive behaviours aren’t there at the beginning otherwise we’d never stay.)
I used to have moments, glimmers, when he’d be sweet and thoughtful just as when we started seeing each other and he was supportive and honest and open with me. But over time, they were almost always replaced by eggshells
under my feet and a sense of desolation in my heart. But if you had an abusive parent, that feels familiar and familiar is comfortable, even safe. So we stay. It isn’t your fault.

Oh gosh, OP, this is a tough one. He’s doing well from this relationship (free home), his kids are doing well from this relationship (cool place to stay when they come to visit - dad allows them to run wild), and the ex wife does well from this relationship - plenty of money he doesn’t need to be paying. The only people who aren’t doing well from this relationship are you - you’re bankrolling all this, and your DS, who does get to play with his DC, but who has had no say in how his home has changed.

You say that you would be happy with a separate home but he wouldn’t. Why does he get to be the happy one while you, the one who is paying for everything - has to be unhappy. You don’t even get a morning coffee or a nice walk out of the deal anymore. ADHD and ASD isn’t a free ride to treat people like life facilitators, and that seems to be what has happened to you - you are facilitating the life he wants while he’s not returning the favour.

I raised this in a previous post - if the DCs fail to get well paid jobs or uni on leaving school they will be with you for ages - 40 is still young -you could have adult kids (probably still lazy and messy) until in their 30s -you wanting to retire. And still costing you to look after. Jobs are hard to get - uni and the extra masters needed nowadays cost tens of thousands - have you actually costed this out for the DSCs. I don’t think it would be seen as fair if your DS had a great future paid for by you and the other children left working at McDs -for this reason you should separate now -he can sort out how to fund his children in the future.

This seems a silly response. I have just spent the whole thread saying I don’t want HIS kids around. This is the same, except of course that it’s my house.

I do really get it OP. It's one thing to see it and another to act on it. And your partner has been so adamant about what he will accept and not accept that it feels like you are then throwing away all the good in the relationship. I would urge you to reflect though on how the essence of a good partnership is compromise. His stance benefits him as it rules out compromise, meaning he gets life the way he wants it but you cope with lots of stress. It's not you being unfair, it's him. Asking him to compromise is a fair way forward and will reveal a lot. You're not being unreasonable or asking too much. And if he feels it is and would rather throw it all away than compromise, that's a limitation of his, not yours.

Having read all your responses what i kept reading is he does't want any change. Of course he doesn't... because he has it easy where he is. He ignores you and games, he lets his kids do what they want, he pays for nothing really. He gives his X money he could be using to better his life and his kids by putting that money towards better housing for them.

I really understand why you don't want to end a relationship but the reality is he's abusing you. He is gaslighting you and can see no matter what he does you seem to go along with it.

I think he is punishing you for buying the house on your own but tbh that was the right thing for you to do. He could have used his money to sell his flat and upgrade if he wanted to but that's too much like hard work... easier to blame someone else for the position he's in.

This is quite shocking! How dare he complain that your son is with you too often in the house that you own! That would be the absolute final straw for me.

He is living there rent free and his three children have the run of your home 50% of the time. You are the one who would be perfectly reasonable to complain about having his children so often, taking over your home and making a complete mess that requires you to employ and pay for a cleaner, just to clean up after them.

You need to find your anger. Next time he complains about your son being present in his own home, just tell him to fuck off and that if he doesn't like it, he can find somewhere else for himself and his kids to live.

His sense of entitlement and lack of gratitude is off the scale.

Sorry if this has been asked before, but what do your friends think of him? Do you socialise much as a couple?

@PithyBeaker I have just spent the whole thread saying I don’t want HIS kids around. This is the same, except of course that it’s my house.

Um ... OK. Please reread those last few words.

Also, there are reasons you don't want his kids around - rude, disrespectful, messy to the point you hire a cleaner to come in when they have gone home, etc. You've not once said on here that you just don't want them round because you don't want them in the house but that's what your DP thinks about your son in HIS OWN HOME.

I'm pretty sure OP said he works full time but also that she stopped taking rent off him because it felt unfair?

Oh how gross. I hope writing all these things down is helping you strengthen your resolve! I'm sure your life will be much easier when you have your home back, even if your relationship doesn't survive it (personally I think that would be the best outcome).

If your partner has resented your son living with you full time since you've gotten together, there will very likely be a high conflict relationship between them as your son gets older. Your partner will likely try to push your son out.

Who would you rather leave the home when that happens, your son or your partner?

There will also be the issue of the household being so chaotic your son spends less and less time there because of it.

Can he have friends over now? Can you have a party for him in your house and a friend stay over? How do you think that will work when these kids are teens?

He does not have a lot of friends. He doesn’t like to go out much. I go to pub in our village regularly on my own. He has one friend who lives elsewhere who used to come visit but I recently stopped it as I didn’t like his behaviour.

I don't think that was a silly response from that poster. I think you regard it as silly because he has gaslight you into feeling that the situation with your child is equivalent to the situation with his children.
As pointed out by others his children are problematic compared to your child; there are more of them, they do not respect your rules. And once again this is him calling the shots in YOUR home, it's your place, you own it but he wants to dominate, he acts as if he owns it.
In many ways it's not possible to make things equal and fair, you are a family of two people, he is a family of four people. You are outgunned. His army is bigger than yours, it makes more noise and more mess. He will only ever be a drain on your resources, his children will be loyal to him, if he wants them to make your life hell you don't have the manpower to fight back.

No. He wanted a sleepover for his birthday but I couldn’t face having more kids in the house. Which is so unfair on him I now realise.

And what do your friends think of him?