AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

This sounds like a horrible situation which won’t get any better. I also think your partner is taking the piss somewhat as he doesn’t pay rent.

I think that, rather than thinking about the time you’ve already invested, you should think about the time you’re wasting going forward. It doesn’t sound like you’re happy. Do something about it and put yourself and your child first.

This is insightful. Yes I sold my old house and moved a long way, several hours. I love my new house and the area it’s in or I never would have done that but also obviously it was an easy decision bc I was in love with him. Yes, definitely very invested to make it work. It’s why I’ve plugged away so stubbornly at it for so long and ignored so many warning signs I think.

Why is his flat empty? Why hasn’t he been renting it out for income?

This was a great comment. Thank you. Gather my strength is right.

Well of course he doesn't, he isn't paying rent and you are paying for someone to clean up his mess! You are not seeing this for what it is!

OP we blended last summer but we waited until his DS was at Uni and my DD16 had finished GCSES. We have been together 8 years.

I would be putting your DS first as he is about to hit teen years and GCSEs are not far off. If you think it’s chaos now with his DC brace yourself as they also hit teen years.

I have been a lone parent for a very long time BTW so you did everything right, buying your own assets and protecting them, but I do think your boundaries are off. There is a compromise you had already offered, you need to think about why he is refusing that when it’s YOUR house.

Really? Bc I love him and we have spent years together getting through rough things. Bc I’m deeply invested in the relationship. It’s obvious why I find it hard to tell him to leave surely? Logical brain can know all the bad stuff and still be overruled. Equally it makes perfect sense that you - a person who has never met him or been in a relationship with him or walked in my shoes - would find it easy to leave.

we have spent years together getting through rough things.

Who got whom through what? And how?

I really wouldn’t find it easy to leave and I apologise if you think I was being callous. I have been with my husband for 34 years and I understand you are tied together in so many ways, I really, really do. But you talked as if you were really unhappy in the relationship and as far as I am concerned, unhappiness trumps everything.
You come across as having so much understanding of how you feel. I understand staying because you have invested so much but, is that enough?
Again, I apologise if you felt I was belittling an understandably complex situation.

You don't ask him you tell him! He must see what this is doing to you.

I have so many more grey hairs than when we met.

Whatever may have happened in the past, this relationship is making you miserable now, and it is not going to get better. Your fear of cuckoos taking over the nest is not irrational.

Some things are not for life, but for a season.

I supported him through finalising his divorce and changes of jobs. He supported me through months of therapy and family upheaval around abuse I suffered as a child (which I am not going into here). He also encouraged me to finally do a thing I’m really passionate about - successfully. He is not a monster. If he was, it would have been a very easy decision.

It’s not that straightforward though. Sometimes I feel deeply unhappy and lonely. Other times I feel deep joy and comfort in his company.

I'm sure he's not a monster, but that doesn't mean he's going to make your life happy.

@PithyBeaker
I appreciate that you keep coming back to this thread.

I am in the teenage stage of parenting and one of the most valuable things about Mumsnet has been the ability to get insight from mothers who are further along the road.
Please read some of the threads on here from parents of young adults who have not ‘launched’, often through no fault of their own, especially where neurodivergence is involved.

Your DP’s children may be lovable, if difficult, kids but the bigger picture is that the world is changing around us and youth unemployment is not going away anytime soon. Look below the surface and there will be colleagues or friends of friends who have young adult children who are holed up in bedrooms, ‘taking time out’ or ‘working on their mental health’ or ‘considering their next steps’. They might not be claiming benefits, so won’t appear in any statistics, but they are out there. The link that I have posted goes into more detail.

I am sorry to say that the chances of his three DC all getting jobs and trooping off to become independent at age 18 or even 21 are really very slim indeed.

I have come to the conclusion that parents need to be prepared to support, parent and perhaps even occupy their children into adulthood. This is just about feasible with one or two children but four young adults will be a lot for your household to sustain.

You will need a laser focus to support your own son through the next ten years, let alone three other children who have complex challenges. The primary years are the easy years and it is probably about to get far harder for you all any day now.

The time to make the change is now, while everyone is fit, well and enjoying life. Neurodivergent children have higher risks of mental health problems, I believe? A few years down the road and one of the children may be having significant challenges in the tougher environment of secondary school and you could find yourself in a world of school refusal, risky behaviour and involvement with multiple services. Your relationship with your partner might have dwindled away but you would then feel unable to do anything to disrupt the child’s life because the risks of doing so would be huge.

At the end of the day they are your DP’s children and if he chose to end the relationship you would have no rights to ongoing contact with them. Focus on your own son and your future together.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m002t2vv?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

He has the absolute unbelievable cheek of resenting YOUR child being in his home that YOU pay for for, that this loser lives in for FREE.

That is so toxic and abusive.
Your son has more right to be in his home that anyone.

It just gets worse and worse.

I really hope you will gather yourself and get rid of this grifter.

You may love him but he's still a grifter.

You think he will tell you to fuck off when you stop physically/financially supporting his children - it's difficult to see what is lovable about him.

I really feel for you. It’s so hard when you are trying your best all the time and questioning if you’re doing the right thing or not when the other person is behaving how he is.

The thought of if I had 12 months to live, is this how I’d spend it? is hard hitting. It sounds like you know the answer to all your questions already but just need the reassurance that you’re not going completely mad / being unreasonable or anything else. Sometimes you can’t see the wood for the trees.

I’m so glad you have found the term cock lodging - it sounds like it is very accurate.

You don’t sound at all feeble (can’t remember who used that word) but you do sound like you are waking up to what’s going on around you. He’s taking the piss and you deserve more than that.
Wishing you all the best and sending a massive hug.

God speed. See you back on this thread in a year.

You could find the same joy and comfort with someone else though, without all the significant downsides. You’re still young OP. It’s not this or nothing.

Feel like I wouldn’t want anyone else, ever. I’d rather be alone if this doesn’t work.

I’m really glad for you that you obv didn’t have abusive people in your upbringing. Those of us that did are often incredibly good at analysing our lives and relationships, but less good at believing that our problems are not somehow our fault, or that we deserve to be selfish and take the actions that would seem logical to people who have had emotionally healthy childhoods.

I hear you. Maybe some therapy for you (only you) focusing on this situation will help build your strength?

How old are you, by the way?

I'm om my own in my mid-40s after a long marriage and it's the best thing that has ever happened to me. My kids have moved out too and it's just me and the dog now. It's nothing to dread. I can eat what I want, house stays clean, my money is mine, nobody is disturbing my sleep, I can invite friends over when I want to, I can travel where and when I want, no in-laws to visit. Your child is getting older, you are about to have a lot of freedom. Enjoy it without being tied down because of someone else's children.