AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

Yes I think it is a bit of a crazy suggestion but I think it would achieve two things. You have the opportunity for that mental break and it really does let him know you are serious about a change. If his kids are coming Friday to Thursday night I would leave for Saturday and return on Monday night this shouldn’t disrupt your son too much
I would tell him you are doing this until he comes up with a better solution and if he hasn’t then he has to move out in what ever timeframe you feel is appropriate.

I don’t see what you are getting out of this. It sounds incredibly stressful.

This is quite unkind. I’m not a doormat. I have people-pleasing issues stemming from an abusive father. Let’s call a spade a spade shall we.

He will.

When the cocklodger children leave school, sign on and establish themselves as a permanent sevond-generation cocklodger presence at his home.

This isn't a blended family, this is a cuckoo taking over the nest.

Yes nor do I really. This thread has been very helpful.

This - cuckoo taking over nest - is exactly my fear.

And all you’re going to do is be more firm with him?

Rude. I don’t care how helpful your comments have been. Please don’t call me names. It’s like kicking a puppy. Jesus, can’t you tell I’m already down. Do you get a pleasure from it? Seriously, bog off.

The op would be frankly even more batshit to leave HER house to get away from HIS feral kids living rent free in her house.

"There is no man as loving as one who needs a home".

So appropriate here.
So into the OP whilst he got his feet under the table with his 3 children.

Wants to game now instead of maintaining any sort of relationship with her.

Could it be clearer?
He knows you are hugely into him, hence he feels able to tell you what he will and won't do, in YOUR home.

Because you thought that if you were kind & generous to him he would be kind and generous to you. You thought that because that's just how nice people think.
But he thinks something along the lines of 'I'm onto a good thing here, she's got more than me/ a better life than me, and I want it for myself'
Thank goodness your instincts steered you away from getting a mortgage with him. You are not tied to him, even though he wants you to feel as if you are.
I think you should resign from your position as his golden goose!

You can stop it. You have a choice.

As everybody said back on page 2 pull the plug then

Stop being a dickhead will you.

OP I think maybe talking this all over with a counsellor might be a good idea. NOT couples counselling, just you. You’ve taken steps to protect yourself before, think of this as another one. To help you figure out what you really want and how to go about getting it.

There's significant financial disparity between me and husband as well. Not every poor man who meets a richer woman is a cocklodger - he works really hard in a very badly paid job, and both I am my ex had some REALLY good years in city jobs. He was living in a 2bed flat in a really rough area when we met. But crucially, we had the difficult conversations where he told me he couldn't afford my lifestyle, and I was able to make an informed choice about that. And whilst I pay for all our groceries and do the shopping and most of the cooking, he still makes a point of going to the market to buy me flowers, and brings me coffee in bed every morning, and is currently washing up and cleaning the kitchen whilst I post on here when I should really be doing prep work for work tomorrow. There are loads of ways that even with ND your partner could make you feel like the effort you put in was a bit more equal. And he's choosing not to.

And there's the all important post.

He wants to get his feet and those of his children permanently under your table. I know you want to keep the relationship but it looks to me as if his goal is control of your assets.
I think part of the reason you find it hard to fight your corner is that he's made you feel guilty.

Hi @PithyBeaker - I have read everything you’ve said.

What strikes me is the pecking order in this dynamic is:

1. Him - his wants, his finances, he won’t countenance X or Y. He’s letting min £12k a year go because he can’t be bothered with a bit of landlord duties. He cries poverty but I do not know anyone who doesn’t rent an asset out but lives rent free with another person. Let alone having the audacity for the other person to house the kids rent free.
2. His kids - no boundaries - run riot and he’s allowed this for 5 years. So they’re his priority, Three people ahead in the queue.
3. His ex as he won’t adjust maintenance for the fact he has kids 50:50. So he’s not paying you rent but he is subsidising her rent. Even if she is all the horror stories he’s said, she’s still his priority.
4. You - but he won’t pay rent for a home that you provide for him and his three children. He won’t go out for a walk with you. He sounds like a pretty subpar partner.
5. Your child - you don’t mention their relationship much but allowing his kids to behave as they do and take up 50% of your child’s home 50% of the time.

So you rank 6th and your kid ranks 7th.

You’re not a nanny with a fanny but you’re a nurse with a purse….. (that’s another Mumsnet classic). You pay for his home, his kids home half the time, his cleaner, his ex wife’s maintenance, and run around making allowances because of neurodiversity or the very bad ex.

If he doesn’t want to be with you while paying his own way then he doesn’t value you. And you’re maybe his 6th priority.

You kid liking the hustle and bustle isn’t a factor. Your modeling being a nurse with a purse with a cocklodger you’re not even getting coke from - that’s poor for him to watch, He is getting older and wiser and watching.

He used to bring me coffee in bed every morning. That stopped a few months ago.

I'm glad you're getting that. You're getting slated, but I'm glad you're finding it helpful and finding food for thought in the harsh comments.

I'm just thinking - if you were my DD and DGS, I would be so very concerned for you. Particularly the coercive control aspect, where you're being guilted into financial disadvantage.

Can you get some legal advise/women's advice centre time to discuss the situation? Perhaps someone can provide a link to a women's advice service you can discuss the situation with?

True. I have been saying to him for ages that I feel like his lowest priority. He says I’m not. I say it feels like I am. And round we go.

You’re getting too much cruelty on this thread OP but that’s MN eh. 🙄
The flat thing is wild though, no?
It doesn’t add up that someone would simultaneously plead poverty and refuse to rent out their one asset that would offset that poverty, no matter how much of a “hassle” it was no?

His children are 'working' for him (not consciously) they are helping him to wear you down & keep you stressed so that it is easier to control & dominate you OP.

That all just sounds exhausting, OP!

Wow. This actualLy just blew my mind. It’s so true. They’re like his little Lieutenants without realising it. No wonder he never reins them in.