AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

So he is laying the foundations for an argument ( "contributing towards the mortgage") for slapping a claim on your house.

While keeping his flat.

You need to ask your therapist for a refund - a MN thread is doing more to open your eyes than therapy seems to have achieved.

Hmm. Well maybe I was lovestruck then. I felt really lucky and like we were meant to be. Judge me if you want.

You've had some good advice here OP. You sound very caring and generous - only you've met someone who is taking advantage of that. We all struggle at times to hold our boundaries but this guy has trampled all of yours right down.

He is of course going to be incredibly resistant to change because none of that change will benefit him. So you need to stand firm and say that it's not about his wants/needs in YOUR house, it's about yours and your DC's.

You were love struck with someone living in a one bedroom flat with three children and no prospect of changing that situation?

I'm not judging you.

I'm fucking judging him, though.

It's an ideal that few families make a success of imho. Life for you sounds a chaotic nightmare and never ending struggle with very little support. I would hate it too. It simply isn't working.

By not getting to contribute to the mortgage on my house he isn’t building towards any future wealth/security,

Sounds like what he really means is that by you not letting him contribute to the mortgage if/when you separate he can't claim half of the properties value for himself.

I was lovestruck w someone who presented as a caring father with a great job in a difficult situation. Who was also very good looking and clever and kind. Yes. Silly me.

Much younger than you
living with 3 kids in a one bedroom flat
and he moved in… with nothing to his name aside from the one bed flat that he can’t / won’t rent out

ok

Also I have never chosen my partners based on job or financial prospects. Which frankly has perhaps been a huge mistake.

It seems like the OP still wants to continue her relationship with him but to get him to move out to his flat (as if he will, he will just gradually worm his way back in after a few weeks of being nicer to her).

Even after pages of having it pointed out that he's a cocklodger.

It always happens with these doormat types. Everyone screams at them to leave and they continue to keep going back for more.

I hope her son doesn't end up resenting her for behaving so foolishly.

Yes this. Woman up, he pays off he goes.

Are you seriously suggesting that she vacates her house to facilitate cocklodger and his feral brood trashing her home?!

Perhaps she vould move in there permanently and pay him rent.

As if he will happily trot back to his one bed flat. Back to his kids kipping in the lounge

the thing that sticks out for me is you have put yourself in a position where your child is losing out to accommodate other children.
It must be costing you to have them there, your time and attention is taken up elsewhere.

I have seen some successful blended families and I’ve seen a lot where children are just expected to put up with their lives being rearranged. Your child might like the other children but they could have had a relationship with you living separately.

"I don’t clean up their mess. I pay a cleaner"

So another woman does it. Even if your cleaner is a man, why doesn't your DP clean after his kids or teach them to be clean and why is it not fair for him to pay rent?

Again, financial assets hasn’t been the thing I look for in a partner. Again, not saying that was wise, in hindsight. Better I had found a nice juicy lawyer-to-be back in uni to get my suckers into, eh. Live and learn.

Well, let's be fair.

He has got a lot of good points.

Unfortunately, the financial abuse to which he's subjecting you and your son far outweighs these good points.

If you can reframe this as an abuse of your son's inheritance, maybe you'll find it easier to deal with the situation.

Yes that is clear

but when you have a child…. It should be right up there as a priority

The financial arrangements are bizarre (ans he's taking the piss).
He has a flat that he won't live in or rent out. So presumably paying the mortgage out of his salary. I don't know where you are in the country but most councils charge council tax on empty property. Mine charge 200% if the property is empty long term. So he's paying that or says he lives there and gets single person discount. It needs to be lived in, sold or rented. Even if rent only covers mortgage he gets rid of CT, electric etc.
He has the children 50% so in theory wouldn't pay maintenance. But does.
He doesn't pay you rent anymore.
And some how it's your fault he's no money .
Even leaving aside the emotional part I'd be digging into what's going on financially.
Although, in reality, I'd be shunting him off to the flat ASAP.

No need to do that

maybe just not one who has bugger all to his name aside from a one bedroom flat flat and three poor kids kipping in the lounge

It was OK to be love struck. It's even OK to compromise because you love someone.

But if he'd treated you then like he treats you now, would you have fallen for him? I bet he preferred walks with you to sitting on a computer game back then didn't he?

You didn't make a mistake - in fact by not buying a house with him you were very sensible. But he's changed - and so it's OK for you to say you no longer want a relationship with this version of him. If he's worth your love he'll accept the wake up call and go back to the versions you fell in love with.

Also - it is your house. Not his, and not his kids. Providing a home for them is NOT your responsibility.

Again, financial assets hasn’t been the thing I look for in a partner

Okay @PithyBeaker but your son is the one who will lose out ultimately.
When you die, what he inherits will be several thousand pounds less, that you've been bankrolling your boyfriend.

OP, he has absolutely no wish to make any effort with your relationship and sees the next 10 years as just for holding space until his children are reared.

Living rent free in your house and gaming.
He has zero interest in engaging on the topic of quality time, just maintaining his cushty number at yours.

Your future is the horror of the teenage years of his messy feral children, as you and your child lives in chaos.

He's not that into the relationship now, 10 years from now, his children reared, him in his early 40's? he could be long gone, and most likely will be.

You will be 50, having wasted 15 years on a man who no longer has fancied you for years, but stayed for the free accommodation, despite also resenting you.

You are a nice woman but you are quite mad to be settling for so so little, and for subjecting your child to what the teenage years will be like with them.

Get him a dog and put him and yourself first.

I don’t think women should only date wealthy men, of course not. Far more important things to consider first. But this man is actually putting you backwards - he’s taking advantage, and you and your child are literally paying the price for his laziness and disorganisation. I promise you this will
only get worse as everyone gets older. His inability to change or compromise or work with you or improve or take responsibility are the big issues here, not entirely the money.

I do think however as a single women with a child you have a responsibility to protect as much security as you can for your own child. You are clearly focussed and motivated and it’s a shame that you and your child aren’t enjoying the benefits that come from that.