AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

You had an abusive father and you are now in another abusive coercive relationship.

You have a man living off you, full of resentment for not having a stake in your house.

My bet is he doesn't even like you, but the situation is just too comfortable right now.

So he will stick with it, but he'll game away and make no effort because he can't be arsed.

Hes so confident in you and your people pleaser ways that he thinks he gets to dictate terms to you, in your home.

Your father was abusive?
Your son is in an abusive home too.

I get that its painful.
I get that its hard.

But your son deserves better than this from you.
Protect yourself, your home, your peace, and you will be protecting him

You’re forgetting the chaotic ADHD thing though. He gets overwhelmed and can’t handle it. Can’t fix things and take steps to put things right when it’s so obviously better in long run. Just puts off thinking about the flat

Objectively you’re not his priority.

Him suggesting otherwise is gaslighting.

Him refusing to rent an asset and overpay maintenance to an ex while not paying rent is financial abuse of you.

You need to talk to a professional trained in this area. Your other therapist needs struck off.

I think that’s already happened. From his behaviour pattern it looks as if he did all the shmoozing to get you onside, then once he’d got a house with housekeeper and nanny for his kids he went back to gaming.

This is quite hard to read. I think I’m going to try to get some sleep now. A lot to think about. I’m out of the country with DC at the moment so need to think about what to do next.

I want to come give you a hug and tell you you DO deserve better than this.

So you've told him you feel like you aren't a priority, and he doesn't go back to doing this ONE small thing that could make you feel seen and valued.

Do you think it would be easier to write to him - to tell him, at the beginning of a week his kids aren't with you, that you have made a decision, and whilst you know he won't like it, it is your decision to make, and that he needs to leave. Because it feels like you get overwhelmed with guilt at his feelings whenever you try to set a boundary with him.

Is he doing that from experience though? Ie he did rent it out for a period and was overwhelmed by the responsibility? There are other options like using a rental agency to do the landlord part. Sure they take a fee but it would still mean several hundred a month in his pocket as opposed to down the drain.

Thank you. I could do w a hug really. This has been a very tough afternoon. I’m going to think about what to do next. I’m out of the country w DC at the moment. Which is I think why I felt like posting this thread today. Anyway. I’ll try to wake with clearer thoughts.

Yes he did rent it for a bit and it was a massive PITA. I suggested an agency/ management co but he never did anything about it. Too overwhelming.

You aren't his parent. You aren't even his wife. You are just a woman who fell in love with the nice him and is now being emotionally abused by the selfish him.

IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX ALL THE PROBLEMS HIS ADHD CAUSES.

Love from a parent to a child should be unconditional - but love between adults rarely is - and shouldn't be, especially for a 5 year old relationship.

I’ve also told him how much the coffee meant to me. It’s like he stopped doing it to punish me. Ffs feel like a total loser. I’m a smart woman, I swear. But what an idiot.

I got to page 4 and gave up. Please have more self respect. Carry on at you & your child’s peril.. plenty of posters have warned you of what is to come.

OP, I know at times MN can be brutal, but I really believe everyone is rooting for you and your boy.
We are just trying to help you see the wood from the trees, as we can.

You both deserve so much better than this.

I think despite his being all overwhelmed etc., yada yada.....he is so far ahead of you in his determination to suit him, his kids, his Ex, all at your expense.
Everything is about making it work for him.
He may be ADHD but he sure as hell makes it work for him.

He's a grifter, and you have been his mark.
He is extremely calculating.
You are so spectacularly under estimating him, if you don't realise this.

You didn't stop him being able to save.

He refuses to rent out his flat, covering the mortgage payments. He pays money to his ex and has the children 50/50. He doesn't pay his fair share in your house. He could easily have quite a nest egg after sponging from you for 5 years. He chose to give his ex YOUR money. He chose not to offset the mortgage. He couldn't be bothered saving because he is punishing you for buying your house early in the relationship.

Do you honestly believe he is going to stay with you in 10 years time when his kids have grown up and don't need your home to house them? He will still have his flat to live in and you will be 50, completely drained and he will up and leave.

I agree I think in this case everyone is furious on OP and DC’s behalf.

You honestly deserve so much better than this OP.

This is definitely not your “last chance” at happiness. I don’t think this is at all happy in any case.

What does your child deserve, it would be really good if people thought of this before blending

Sending a hug from me too 🤗

It's good you've got some time and space away to think things through.

It seems obvious to me and pretty much every PP what you should do, but that doesn't mean it's easy.

I think you saying you love him is based on how he used to be, not how he is now.
He makes zero effort to make you feel cherished and loved, and you're only 40, only 5 years into the relationship, and he's even younger!

Although you still fancy him, resentment for your living situation is making you reject him physically. That's a very bad sign.

I'm in my late 60s now. Trust me, time goes so quickly. You are coming into some of your best years, make the most of them!!
Find someone who makes your heart beat a little faster and your spirit sing.

Gather your strength.

It's not about what he 'won't entertain'. It's your house, and ultimately you get to decide what YOU will or will not entertain.

Have another hug 🤗

And some 💐

I'd say that's a form of weaponized incompetance, I'd also say that the reason you dont catch on is that kind of behaviour is just not in your repertoire.
A kind hearted 'do the right thing' person is an easy mark for someone who is manipulative.

Most of the advice on here points in the same direction OP. Perhaps you're in denial about the reality of your situation?

So are you resolved to actually do something about it?

I wouldn’t be surprised if he proposes. If he is worried about having to leave this cushy set-up it’ll be a chance for him to get a stake in your finances. I fear you would agree due to the fear of becoming single again and losing a younger/attractive partner 😟. Please please at least do not ever marry him.

I hope when you get back home you don’t find he’s changed the locks.

Once you feel a man is behaving in a manner so as to punish you, the relationship is over.

I earned 3 times my EXDP by the time I left him, and there were a myriad of cruel ways he attempted to punish me for his resentment of everything about my life. He was never physically abusive, but the emotional cuts ran deep.

You seem a very caring and selfless person, OP. But I think you really need to start putting your needs front & centre for a while. You’ve hopefully got decades left. Do you want to live for years feeling like this?

I really agree. I think he put up a good front prior to moving in that OP fell in love with, but it’s a mirage.

If OP had seen him how he is now - the feral kids, the lackadaisical parenting, the gaming, the resentment, the blame - would she ever have let him move in?