AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

So how does he then also manage to argue that he can’t afford to live alone? Surely if you’re costing him too much money if you break up he can swan off and live like a king. It can’t be both.

Sorry if I missed but has this ever been clarified by the OP?

Get the kids to clear up their own mess. They made it. He needs to make them clean up or he does it. Simple.

I’m not getting anywhere by paying bills. None of us are, the electricity company does not say thank you for your hundred pounds a month contribution. Here’s an asset.
His logic is ridiculous.
Everyone has to pay to live somewhere

He’s on the Property ladder with his one bedroom flat
Every month that he’s paying the mortgage on that he is building wealth
The intelligent thing to do would be to get somebody else to pay the mortgage on that to free up his income to put into his pension but none of this is relevant to you
It’s irrelevant

Does that mean explain-clarified? I like it. So, two kids were on fold out in living room. He had bedroom. Other child was very small and in box room/ still staying with mum. Box room is too small for a full size single I believe, to be clear

Do you have a joint bank account? Do you know for definite he pays child support to his ex? He seems really tight and reluctant to pay his way with you, so it doesn’t seem to fit that he would be paying his ex when he doesn’t have to.
Same with not renting the flat out. That does not make sense. He is losing income every month and simultaneously saying he has no money.
Does he still own it? Do you see the bills and the payments going out every month?

Something smells a bit off. I would do some digging.

Reading this I really feel for you OP. But you have to admit you’re NOT happy, and it’s NOT a happy relationship. You say your DP would rather game than spend time with you; he should be falling over himself with gratitude and love, yet it sounds like he almost resents you for doing so much for him and his DC.

As previous posters have said, the way to save this relationship for you is for him and his DC to live separately to you and yours. Unfortunately that would probably be the death knell for the relationship from his perspective as his life would get more expensive and he’d actually have to step up and properly parent his own DC; neither of which he clearly does not want to do.

But he can't be arsed to rent out his flat so he could have saved for a bigger deposit rather than pay the mortgage himself.

At the beginning of this thread I thought it was more about him not realising that he needed to pull his weight. Now I think he is a pig in clover enjoying your greater space rent-free and you helping him with his kids.

If it helps, I met DH when I was 43 but we were friends for five years. We have now been together for 10 years, buying a house together five years ago and with his adult DD who has SEN living with us. We married three years ago when I was almost 55.

Later life love is more than possible and you deserve someone who will cherish you.

Goodness… I bet he and the children jumped for joy when then moved in to your 4 bed.

What a loser. 3 children and he buys a 1 bed flat.

OP, you need to woman and parent up. I can’t imagine how frustrated your family and friends must be with you

so it's not a one bed, its a 2 bed flat.

Have you actually ever been inside his flat? you don't know big or small it actually is

We have a joint acct for paying household bills and groceries but salaries get paid into our own accounts. I don’t know for sure about payments to X (I mean, I haven’t seen the money go across) but I have talked to her plenty and I was party to all their divorce settlement finance stuff (awful and could have done without it tbh). As for flat, it is definitely his and empty at the moment. For sure.

I don't think you know anything about this man.

You don't know where his money goes. I bet he showed you a very different version of himself when you first met.

He has hard done by, down on his luck, doing his best, loveable, fun to be with. Now he's a messy gamer sponging off of you. And your child also!

You're in love with a version of him that doesn't exist.

I don't follow at all. He owns the flat and planned to live in it but now doesn't want to and he's living rent free with you but this is somehow your fault because he's not gaining equity in your property? Which he isn't paying for? He can't put aside the money he isn't paying in rent to build wealth? And bills on a house he doesn't own is standard; bills aren't rent or mortgage, they're the water and electricity you use. He doesn't realise this?

He planned to live in the flat but now it's too small? Where were his kids going to be while he lived there?

I feel it can't be this ridiculous and I've missed something or forgotten some detail you've given. At any rate, if he thinks living with you is ruining him then why won't he fuck off?

It’s a stretch to say 2 bed. Estate agents market it as 1 bed bc box room is only big enough for a cot or desk. Yes I’ve been in it loads. Had the key to it for a few weeks when I used it to work in it.

So the flat has 2 bedrooms? Yes you can fit a single bed into a box room, often have to be creative with the bed frame but it’s possible.

Can you stay at flat couple of nights during week when kids are there for a break

He owns a one bedroom flat near their school but says he couldn’t live there with them, too small

Apparently he did live in the one bed flat, with his kids though?

I mean, I could I suppose… but I have a child in school near my house and his children are in school near the flat…

Yes

So when you met him… he was living in the one bed with his three kids. With no prospect of changing that.

and you thought…. I know! Brainwave! I’ll move the 4 of you into MY home I share with my one child?

Has he ever set boundaries himself around holidays/spending? Has he ever said "I don't want to got to expensive place because I'm being a sensible adult and need to control my spending"
Or is this just something else that gets thrown at you to make all his problems your fault.

Because that's the main thing I'm seeing here - there are problems in your relationship so YOU go to therapy and post on Mumsnet. There are problems with his finances which are YOUR fault, there are problems with the cleanliness of your house which are because YOU are too fastidious.

You are trying to own and take responsibility for all the problems that occur in your life and his. Whilst he is gaming and blaming you.

I honestly have this a bit in my relationship (a second marriage - we met when I was 44 and he was 50, 8 years ago) - so many women are socialised to take care of things, and so many men are socialised to be taken care of. I have accepted that I am both less able to let problems stay unsolved, and just generally more competent at problem solving than he is. But he is much better than me at a number of other things - and crucially when I tell him I need him to step up, accepts that he hasn't, and admits his own faults without blaming me for them, and does try. Which is why we can get frustrated with each other, but never resentful.

It’s frustration that you are a parent and behaving like a love struck 15 year old

Yep. Sure did.

Honestly, no words

You’ve said multiple times that you think it’s a good idea to live apart.
Then you say he won’t even consider it. What a nerve he has! Why are you making him the boss?
of course he doesn’t want to have to pay to live somewhere when he can sponge off you.
He doesn’t get to decide- you do. Do what is best for you.