AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

Who cleans a toilet bowl after every poo?????

You already sound done OP, it sounds like he’s bringing nothing to your life at all. Get him out ASAP and i guarantee your DS won’t be half as sad as you think he will. It’s horrible for a child having non family members living in their home and he will love it just being you and him again. The way it should be.

What would he have done if he hadn't met you? He bought the flat for himself and his children but is now saying that it is totally unsuitable.

He's just got used to all the home comforts and space at your house and will fight tooth and nail not to leave this cushy situation.

Yes the first of these is what I want. I will try again to suggest this, and more firmly.

Exactly!!

@PithyBeaker
Op keeps saying 'he's not a monster' I actually think he is. He is manipulative, selfish, doesn't respect op's boundaries, is sponging off op, extremely resentful of op, won't compromise, doesn't really want to spend time with her, wants to coast along for the next 10 years not doing anything nice with op, seems to have checked out of the relationship... I could go on. This man is very devious and calculating. And oh of course! he's a professional victim to boot

Yes he’s comfortable and doesn’t want to move out, I know that and the kids are bigger now, all in that flat now would be tight. His response is that he didn’t expect five years later to be in that flat bc only bought it to save money to be able to buy somewhere bigger but I have stopped him being able to save in the meantime

ok, so a positive but not unrealistic story with some similarities to yours.

my DP has 3 children (my step children) 50:50. One has SEND (with an EHCP for context to show it’s quite significant). His ex is extremely difficult because she’s a pathological liar and had brought a stream of different step-dads into their lives, has no boundaries whatsoever in her home and Disney parents them completely. This leaves all hard graft of parenting to my DP (and to a much lesser extent me - I tend to offer ideas but he puts them into practice). Think he does the potty training, teaching them to read, do homework and get a tutor to help them pass their GCSEs etc. He’s always bad cop but he’s completely focussed on helping them be their absolute best and adores them all.

I was a lone parent to my DS when we met. We have also have a son together. So this brings us to 5 kids total.

yes, things are busier and more chaotic when my step kids are here (inevitable with more kids), but all of us love one another and I have huge respect for my DP (soon to be DH) because he does all the hard graft of parenting for them. I cook more because I like to but he does all the laundry and plenty else as he works from home - basically we split the load.

the house tidiness levels change with 5 kids but actually I let it slip too because I’m not going to clean the bathrooms every day and so I just tend to focus on what matters most to me (kitchen) and a basic level of cleanliness. I don’t blitz when they leave, I steadily do things as normal but it is tidier because there are only 4 of us. I don’t tidy up especially for their return either (sometimes it’s pristine and sometimes it’s not) because I found living my life on an on/off switch dependent on their presence was too difficult, I live life on a constant as I have to parent 100% of the time it’s just that sometimes I’m a parent of 5 and sometimes only 2. Trying to keep a level rather than going into hyperdrive of cooking/cleaning etc. when they were here and then burning out when they left has really helped me.

I do, however, completely understand your yearning for the quiet life, I sometimes miss it just being me and my eldest. But, in truth when it is just us now it feels too quiet and I miss my step-children. So ultimately I feel like both life trajectories I could have taken (staying a lone parent or blending families) had their pros and cons and neither was right or wrong. Ultimately I love my family and I love my partner, my sons do too, so I’m happy I chose the path I did. To my mind parenting in general has its hardships and phases that strain your relationship, blending families does even more than normal, but coming out of the other side (with grown up children) will be worth the strife and I know that after all that I will still have a husband I adore and who adores me. Hopefully I will also have 5 children who still love me, but even if my step-children don’t I won’t regret being there for them.

If you’re not sure you’ll get to the other side of parenting and still have a relationship (more than housemates) with your partner I’m not sure it is worth it.

HE is saying YOU stopped him from being able to save while he’s cocklodging in your house?! The audacity of this cunt!

Like I said above, he is a professional victim. It's always someone else's fault. HOW is it your fault that he hasn't bought a bigger property when he doesn't pay towards rent at your place? He could have sold his flat or rented it out and bought something bigger.

I think he might be a covert narcissist.

Yeah I know. It’s only when I say it out loud I realise how ridiculous it is. Sounds plausible when he says it though.

Absolutely this!

You stopped him being able to save?
You??
How?!

How does he think you habe stopped him from being able to save?

I know it'll be totally bullshit but I've got a morbid curiosity now about the details of the nature of his nastiness.

He's living rent free in your house and he can't be bothered to rent out his flat so his lack of money is absolutely his own fault. Him blaming you for being unable to save would be the last straw for me. He could also save if he stopped sending money to his ex-wife.

Him saying that you stopped him from saving should make your blood boil with rage. He's sounding more and more like a cheeky fucker.

OP this is what I find so unreasonable from him. Of course he doesn’t want to, just like most of us don’t want to pay rent or mortgage…but that’s just adult life isn’t it?! Why on earth should you be paying for him and his kids to have the optimum space for them to live in instead of him?

Instead of floating the idea, what would he have to do if you just told him he needed to move out? He’d have to make some choices: start carefully budgeting, get a higher paying job, cut down on expenses (including possibly the money to his ex) - all the normal stuff the rest of us would have to do if we wanted to live in a bigger house. I’m sure this is all stuff you’ve done to get yourself in a position to buy your house, so why should you be having to do the boring adulting while he doesn’t have to, for his kids?

I’ve read all your posts and to me it sounds like you’re really just seeking permission to end the relationship. If that’s what you need OP then you have it; it’s ok not to continue something that no longer serves you. Yes, he won’t like it, yes your son might prefer having people around, but they are consequences of your decision which can be dealt with. They are not enough of a reason not to make a decision.

IMO his "he doesn't want to" would be fine if it was followed up with "because I'd miss being with/seeing you", but his next sentence would tell me all I needed to know and I'd come to the realisation that he's only thinking of himself and his own needs.

You sound lovely OP. Kind, caring and considerate.

You have already made 3 excellent decisions:

• not buying a house with him
• not putting his name on your deeds
• not marrying him

This makes you wiser than many.

Tap into that wisdom now.

You'll never regret prioritising your sanity, health and wellbeing, because by doing so, you're also prioritising your DS.

All the best.

Because you are talking it over with people you are now realising that he’s been gaslighting you. I’m really sorry OP it’s a horrible realisation. I very much think you should throw this one back.

He's gaslighting you: not your fault that he "hasn't been able to save" - HE is the one choosing to not rent his appt out and HE is the one choosing to give his ex money even though he's having his kids 50%.

YOU are housing him and his 3 children for free- so you are enabling him to save money. Jesus you're being gaslit here and he's really a piece of work.

So, this is how it goes: he planned to buy the flat and live in it cheaply to save money for a bigger place. By not getting to contribute to the mortgage on my house he isn’t building towards any future wealth/security, just paying rent (at first but as explained not anymore) and bills on a house he doesn’t own. That’s his rationale. Also says I have expensive tastes/holidays and he has felt pressured to keep up w me. He also blames X for his impoverishment not just me. To be fair.

With every post, the more frustrating this “man” is becoming. You haven’t prevented him from saving. He’s an adult capable of making his own choices. You’re not responsible for him.

Well what would he do if you end the relationship? He will have to go back to the flat or rent somewhere bigger.

I mean if he was so resentful of the house situation, no-one said he had to stay in the relationship. If it was a deal breaker for him then he could have ended it - but he chose not to 🤷‍♀️

If you said you wanted him out, what is he going to do? Say I’m not moving? Sounds like he is calling your bluff.

Completely agree with every word of this excellent post.

Hi OP, I haven’t RTFT but have skimmed over your posts - apologies if I’m repeating things that have already been gone over.

When you said early on about worrying that this is your last chance at a loving relationship, and there was something else about the sunk costs of 5 years… You’re possibly falling into the sunk costs fallacy, where you have already put so much in that you feel you have to keep going or you lose all of that.

The thing is, it’s called a fallacy because it’s a falsehood - those sunk costs are things that have already been lost. Giving more doesn’t get that time back, or get a better return.

So you have to think about what you have now. If you lay it all out on the table, would you choose to pay with your time for the next X amount of years to get what you are getting? Remove the investment you’ve already made, and only look at what you have and what you will have going forward: if faced with just that, do you want it?

Oh he's just a dick. Come on.