AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

This man pushes hard for what he wants, OP is acting as if she has no power or leverage.
Her opening move should have been, 'This is my house & living with you is making me unhappy. Here's my solution, if you dont like it then I'm not willing to carry on living with you.'

Do you think if he had to manage his own kids and accommodation by himself, your relationship would end?

Before he met you, and had the one bedroom flat, where was he having his children stay? All of them kipping in the one bedroom? Bet that was cosy

Honestly not sure but fear yes

I'd be going apeshit about his paying so much to his ex, too.

He wouldn't be able to do that of you were charging him rent, would he.

You're paying his ex all that maintenance! Your DS is! Your house is your boy's inheritance, and his inheritance is paying maintenance to a random man's ex!

FFS OP!!

So be it.

I will try this, again.

Honestly you are completely naive here.

He will swiftly move in with some poor cow who can house his DC adequately.

I don’t get this try. Tell him it’s over and change the locks on YOUR house.

These are the words of woman who knows nothing will change. So you either accept it or end it.

Try it?

You need to be firm and assert yourself. Just tell him.

Exactly.

He’s your common garden cocklodger OP get rid

It gets worse and worse. Thank goodness you didn't buy with him.

Get rid of this loser.

I am really invested. This is a last ditch attempt to get some perspective. I’ve had months of therapy already. Appreciate the insight into life w ND teenagers. It does not appeal if I’m honest. Hope you’re ok

I understand that you want to keep the relationship, but you've told him you're unhappy, you suggest a solution and he shuts you down. He's acting as if your home belongs to him.

Start inviting your sons friends for sleepovers. They love that. Seriously you don't need to stay with your partner because your son likes to spend time with his kids.

Somehow, if I were you, I just wouldn't be able to shake the suspicion that part of what made him attracted to me was the fact that I came with a big house to have his dc lodged.

You need to stop putting his wants above yours. Make a decision and stand by it, when he won't entertain it, make it very clear to him that it's not an option.

So, give him two choices:

1. He lives in the flat during the week with the children and spend weekends together, either continually, or just on the weeks that he has the children.
2. He moves out altogether and you just go back to dating.

If he rejects both, then I really do think your relationship is over. Having read your comments further on, you don't even sound compatible, such as your leisure interests etc. Sometimes a relationship does just run it's course, I think you're at the stage or realising this.

I'm finding him quite frustrating, that you're clearly not happy how things are currently, but he just won't entertain ANYTHING you suggest. If I were you, that would make me see red and just end the relationship altogether.

You are letting love cloud your judgement.

But I loooove him!

You seem so accepting of his shit.

Tell him either he lives part time with his kids in his own property or it's over. Then see it through.

You're only 40 ffs!!!

Do you want to drift into your 50s, have all the kids leave home, then find out he still prefers gaming?

What a waste!

Of course he doesn't want to move out and find somewhere else to live with his kids because it's free at your place, plus you pay for a cleaner to clean up after his kids. Good grief.

Absolutely. The fact that he wanted to mingle their finances so quickly is a huge red flag, she should have got rid back then.

He now doesn't make any effort because he thinks he's got her where he wants her.

He has never forgiven me for not buying the house with him
And there it is!
That's why he acts as if your house belongs to him, he's punishing you for not deferring to him, for holding onto your independence.
He's going to carry on undermining you & making you suffer if you let him.

What also irks me, is that his mortgage cost on the flat could be offset with a rent paying tenant, but because he doesn't have to pay rent to you, he doesn't bother offsetting it. It really is very little hassle renting out a one-bed flat, he's full of excuses. If his mortgage was covered with the rent, he could afford to either save up some money, or contribute more to the house you own.

I don't blame you for buying the house in your sole name, that was a wise move by you, however, it has bred resentment from him, and he has used this resentment to manipulate you into stopping him paying rent. He certainly has an unpleasant side OP.

He wants to live with you because that way he can keep working on you, bending you to his will, getting everything on his terms.