AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

If this is how he feels, then maybe he should face facts and admit it's not a good time for him to be in a relationship right now. Why doesn't he take the next ten years to focus on his kids? And potentially reconnect with you down the line. Surely that would be fairer on you, if you want more and he isn't able to give it to you.

I suspect the truth is that if you did do this, he would very quickly acquire another partner to "help with" the kids. With little awareness of his own motive in getting together with her. It might be hurtful, to be replaced - but it might also give you clarity on what you actually meant to him. Because I suspect it's mostly wife work he values you for, these days. And if you're not actually his wife, and those aren't your kids . . . do you have to do the wife work? Is it what you want? It doesn't sound like it.

Your relationship might feel like the default setting of your life - and I have no doubt DP views it that way - but it's not. It's a choice. You can choose something different, if this choice is no longer working for you.

This is an important point. In some ways I think he is a good role model (cooks, looks after his own kids, teaches him to build campfires, etc) and then in other ways not so much (gaming..)

This is abusive, given how much you do for him, and is verging on coercive control.

He has guilted you into not charging him rent.

Is now guilting you that you "prevented" him from bettering his financial position.

And will (has he started yet) in future be pressuring you into giving him an.interedt in your house, put him on the deeds.

But you’re happy for him to take your money? In the fact you pay for the home? Is should be shared bills and rent/ mortgage if he is living there. He needs to pay his way. Seems a good deal for him

You might think this is naive but I don’t think he would get with someone else. He has said he would def live on his own if we split. I kind of get this as it’s exactly how I feel. Would just want to be alone with DC. That’s how he feels too.

All that money you spend on him and his kids… you could be saving for your own child. You could be paying more towards your mortgage. You could be putting more money in your pension.

All the rent money you're not charging your resident cocklodger is money you're taking away from your son's eventual inheritance.

That's unfair on your son. Surely you see that?

EXACTLY

No, he knows I never would. Have also said I wouldnt marry him as I dont want to impoverish my DC for the benefit of his kids

I would get out now before you have a house full of teenagers 😬 I think your DC may well realise how much nicer life is with just the two of you. He won't really remember what it was like before this relationship. Think of yourself and your child. This man is using you!

That's exactly what you're doing though!

You're not charging this man rent, to the detriment of your son's eventual inheritance.

Op I’ve read through most of the thread and I think an opinion would be for him to split his time between his flat and your house.
The weeks he has the kids he stays with then at his flat, it’s close to their mum and their school. Then they can visit you at the weekend and you all have at least every 2nd weekend together and the kids will still have a close relationship.
while every child life becomes calmer and more stable with more time with their parents.

This is what I want. It has been floated. He doesn’t want to. Has said he couldn’t possibly live in flat and would need to rent a house and can’t afford to.

She has suggested this and he doesn't like the idea.
What a surprise.

So basically every time you have set boundaries he expresses resentment about them.

Relationships can survive a lot of things, but resentment isn't one of them. Do you really want to have to slog for 10 more years on the promise of good times later with someone who already prefers gaming to going for a walk with you?

This sounds like a him problem.

When you put it like that, no 😔

I agree.

Oh I’m sorry he’s not on board I genuinely believe this is the only way forward for you.
if he won’t consider this he’s being extremely selfish and thoughtless towards you abc your child.

I love the way you hve replied to so many people.
You are very invested in this thread and we get to understand you a bit, which is why l feel you genuinely want advice.
Among your many comments you have twice said ‘He will not entertain that’ in reference to a) getting his own place with his kids and b)won’t stay at his flat during the week he has them with his kids.
He won’t entertain that.
No. I bet he won’t.
He won’t entertain you asserting your boundaries.
He wont entertain the fact that you are drained and unhappy.
Because, no matter what his kids trump you (as in fairness they should) but it’s a bit rich when he isn’t entertaining any sort of compromise when he and his kids are living in your house.
That would have been the straw that broke my back @PithyBeaker .
And, as a woman who is married to an ASD man with an AuDHD daughter trust me when I say it won’t get better. He will always put himself, his wants and his needs before you. Always.
It will get worse when his ND kid/s get older.
My lovely funny gentle daughter (up to the age of 12) is now 18 -she hates me now and she has beaten me, bruised me, kicked me deliberately in places where I have terrible pain, thrown food in my face, sworn at me most days for the last 4 years, screamed at me, smashed things in my house……I’m not saying all ND kids are like this but you may be exposing your child to this behaviour in years to come.
And, I couldn’t tolerate him paying his ex while having 50/50. Will this go on till he retires??
Wishing you all the best.

So, he harbours resentment and says you stopped him being better off ...because you bought your own house .
Which he moved three messy kids into.
Rent free.
And then you've asked him to give you space by moving into his own house ..and he refused.
Doesn't suit him.

You keep saying he's not a monster OP, but his selfishness and entitlement are off the scale.

id end it, it’s not your responsibility to provide a home it’s his responsibility if he can only afford a flat!

Last sentence

He can afford to, he can rent his flat out. But he doesn't want to!

Well he would say that wouldn’t he. But you can bet he will have moved in with another woman with her own house within a couple of years.

He doesn’t want to look after his kids himself, he doesn’t want to live in a flat. That’s why he’s here. Ask yourself how much of it is really for you?