AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

OP I have one ( grown up ) son
my DH had 2 similar ages
we made a decision that we would got married he would live with me but when he had his kids every other weekend he would stay at his house with them giving them time with him

It worked out great
his kids stayed at mine now and then and it was lovely
we had holidays together as a joint family and on our own

and it worked

but mainly cos my DH isn’t a cocklodger and took his responsibility as a parent as his priority

Since you still love him, providing he truly feels the same about you, then asking him to move out shouldn’t be a barrier to continuing your relationship. You’ve tried cohabiting but it has a net detrimental effect on your life, and that’s enough of a reason. If he isn’t just there for the net benefits of housing, cost savings and housework then he’ll respect your view and make other living arrangements. He’s not really in a position to dictate the terms as it’s your house 🤷. He may not like his alternative option, but that’s for him to figure out, as despite your kindness and generosity thus far, you do not owe him a home.
As for your DC - children rarely relish the idea of change, but I bet if your partner and his DC moved out your DC would find it absolutely fine, if not 10 times better. Children often fear the unknown because they don’t have as much life experience. Doesn’t mean the change isn’t for the best for you and your DC.
If this becomes a relationship-ending issue then I fear it’s because he values what you provide for him over how he feels about you as a person. Does he agonise about making you happy? Making things better for you? Listening to your concerns and actioning solutions? I’m afraid you’re the only one considering others here, and actually, it’s fine to put yourself first.

Why would he want to move out ? He pays no rent and you pay for a cleaner to sort the house out when his DC go home . He really has landed on his feet, no incentive to move out or indeed make a real effort to organise his DC. You are his cheque book and organiser.

I do not understand the financial side of this.

If he rented out his flat, the rental income would pay for the mortgage.
As he is not renting it out, the cost of the mortgage is obviously coming out of whatever he earns.

You do not charge him rent. He is thus saving money. This money is paying his mortgage.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

You're enriching him by not charging him rent. He's chipping away at his mortgage because your refusal to charge him rent enables him to do so.

And all with the least possible effort on his part. He doesn't have the hassle of being a landlord. He doesn't have to!

Argh. Wake up @PithyBeaker and at least charge this bugger rent!

Are you 100% sure he owns this one bed flat that he leaves vacant rather than rents out?

I think that’s really poor reasoning - DC likes having other kids around, of course they do they’re a kid. But that’s not a reason to continue this wholly dysfunctional, feral, chaotic dynamic. You need to look at the bigger picture: there’s far too much of a downside to the upside of company for your kid. Unforunately your DP is quite a poor role model for your DC.

If you split you could make a concerted effort to have DC’s friends round more, make friends with more families, and involve yourself in the community.

There’s no reason DC can’t stay in touch in any case.

Your DS may well like having them around. That doesn’t mean it’s the best thing for him either now or in the longer term. Being a parent means we have to make choices based on what’s best for them, that’s not always the same as what they want. Also we have to do what’s right for ourselves too, again not always aligned with their wants at the time.

The situation is already difficult, with no signs of improvement. In my opinion you need to start to centre your needs and wants, and how you want your life to be going forward. His issues around housing etc are his problems to solve not yours. Take control of your life. If you don’t another five years will ( quickly ) pass, and you’ll be resentful and more unhappy. All the DC will be aware of it, and your relationship will be shot.

I think you’d like an easy decision that all will agree with but that’s not how life works. Decide what you want and do what is needed to make it happen. Accept there will be consequences, and prepare yourself for them. You can do this.

You sound very nice op, but he is taking advantage of you...

If your staying cos your dc likes the kids
buy a bloody dog

your DC will be just as happy with a slobbery dog

he is a kid

you make the decisions not him
and my son is an only child
he got loads of friends from all the clubs a d after school clubs he did

Those with success stories aren't on MN.

Blending families is challenging, especially when the number of kids each has isn't the same.

If it's not issues with the Ex wife, it's the Disney dad issues or the stepkids being so much more badly behaved/messy/less rules/more screen time than your own kids.

Sometimes living apart is better. I can see it would cost him a lot to do that here.

Do what's best for you and your mental health and wellbeing.

Would he still be adamant on a 50/50 split if he was caring for them alone?

I'm not saying he's completely useless, but he's very much relying on you to make this work. He doesn't need to compromise, because you're making massive compromises for him. Is what you're getting out worth what you're putting in?

By the way - going by the ages here, and the other post where you say you've sunk five years into this arrangement, I'm guessing his three children were under 10 when you started this arrangement? That's . . . a lot to take on, especially for someone who only had one child before. I'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed.

What stuck out for me is that he made you feel guilty for asking him to pay rent. So he basically thinks it's fine that you accommodate him and his 3 kids for free.

If you had a friend asking you for advice on this situation, what would you say?

Your DC would benefit more from stability and consistency. They can still have a relationship with the other children if they wish but they were never siblings.

You'd be better off with a nice paying lodger who had a similar aged DC and then you'd have the extra income to pay for opportunities for your child. There's an amount you get tax free for renting your rooms out.

Maintain separate households, you can still have a relationship and the kids can spend time together.
It doesn't really matter if he doesn't want to do that if you do want to do it. You have the deciding vote not him.

Apologies if someone has already suggested this-if he has a one bedroomed flat (that's not selling) could on his week of having the kids he not move back to his family home and the ex go to his flat for the week? Less disruptive all round for the kids and for you. Not dealing with the day to day chores you could have some blended family days out and a few overnights at weekend when the stressful school runs are out of the way and maybe co joined holidays. Blended familes can work but its not easy at all. I had 4 children and so did my partner it was heart wrenching at times -families all have their own culture and I can remember even the way we did Christmas was different! I can say that we survived and so did the kids -there has been fractures which is incredibly sad but all now in their 40's and 50s and we are blended -I hope you make the right decision for you x

Nanny with a fanny is my new favourite phrase

It's understandable you want DS to be happy, but you're putting a lot of weight on his feelings here. Is there a reason for that?

Do you feel guilty about not giving him siblings? Or does he struggle socially, and DP's kids have functioned as a sort of automatic peer group for him? If so, that's probably not sustainable long term anyway, and was always something you would eventually have to address.

If he has plenty of other friends, then it might be nice to have other kids at home, but it's not a must. He's not unique in being an only child, and he would adjust in time. You only have the other kids 50/50 anyway, so he has some practice being on his own. It might be something you just have to do, for your own sake.

This question and your answer says it all.

(Together with the one where you justify paying for the cleaner because he says he will do it, but then you have to nag him to do it, and you don't want to nag him - God, hasn't he got you trained!)

He is taking you for a mug, using you as free accommodation, with added childcare, and convincing you it is OK because he pays some bills and does some cooking.

Do you really think his special-needs children are all going to drift off into self-sufficient productive lives when they leave school? Or do you think it more likely that they'll spend more and more time at yours, contributing the absolute minimum they have to financially cos that's the deal they see you struck with their dad?

EDA: As he knows now where your guilt button is.

So some shading on the house situation is that when we got together he offered to sell his flat and buy house with me together. But I was able to buy it without him and I wanted it to be mine (I was selling my previous house to be near him) so since our relationship was very new, I was cautious. He has never forgiven me for not buying the house with him, harbours resentment and says I stopped him from being financially better off (by being able to contribute to a mortgage on a place he lives in).

Think it’s right that I would have to do it for my own sake. Just worry DC will be angry and resent me for it.

There is no other “family home”. His x rents a place and he has a flat. That’s it.

Thank you. Yes you’re right. They were all under 7 back when we got together.

You were absolutely right. You would have been extremely irresponsible to buy a house with a new partner with 4 kids in the mix. He is sounding worse and worse the more you say!

Oooh no thanks. This one's definitely not a keeper.

lol I actually thought an hour ago maybe I should just get DC a dog would be less effort

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