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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

1000 replies

PithyBeaker · 06/04/2026 15:23

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

OP posts:
Shitmonger · 06/04/2026 19:24

PithyBeaker · 06/04/2026 19:20

This is exactly the crux of it. He isn’t a monster. And we do have great chemistry, used to enjoy talking to him, being in his company. When we do go out and do things together we have fun. Sometimes. But also it is twisting his arm to get him to go out, he prefers being inside on his laptop-unless the activity is really an adrenaline rush he thinks it’s boring and not worth it. I just like going for a walk in the country but he finds that dull. He says there is no point doing anything until kids grow up and he can have a life again. Like he is resigned to next ten years being a shit slog and we will enjoy ourselves later. But I feel like why wait? I don’t think next ten years need to be miserable

Show quote history

He only put effort in when he needed to secure a place for him and his children to live. Now that he’s got what he wanted from the arrangement he doesn’t care about putting effort in for you. He won’t listen to any of the problems. He doesn’t even want to spend time with you. I mean… it certainly looks like he just really doesn’t care much about you.

Is the sex really worth being treated like this? Are you even having much of it now that he’s dropped the act and reverted back to being a lazy teenager?

Original poster
PithyBeaker · 06/04/2026 19:26

rosycheex · 06/04/2026 19:16

Will the DCs leave home or does their neurodiversity mean that they will live with you into adulthood?
Your DC could have play dates more often if SDC aren’t there.
Will there be more disruption once they are all teens - can you afford university for them?

His DCs will def leave home. One is ASD but functional and in school fine, other is ADHD and dyslexic, also in school fine. Don’t think he will pay for uni for them. I will for my DC.

OP posts:
Cushionsplease · 06/04/2026 19:26

PithyBeaker · 06/04/2026 19:15

Yes. Well, they have two bedrooms between three of them. Two of them share one bedroom

Show quote history

And his one bed flat would mean…. All three of his kids in one bedroom and dad in the lounge.

What fool buys a one bed thinking it would be suitable for three children to live half their lives there.

A fool who clocks a woman with a 4 bedroom house and only one child.

Original poster
PithyBeaker · 06/04/2026 19:27

Shitmonger · 06/04/2026 19:24

He only put effort in when he needed to secure a place for him and his children to live. Now that he’s got what he wanted from the arrangement he doesn’t care about putting effort in for you. He won’t listen to any of the problems. He doesn’t even want to spend time with you. I mean… it certainly looks like he just really doesn’t care much about you.

Is the sex really worth being treated like this? Are you even having much of it now that he’s dropped the act and reverted back to being a lazy teenager?

Show quote history

No not much it’s true. But tbh at the moment it’s me that is not bothered, he keeps trying but I feel quite alienated and push him away.

OP posts:
Original poster
PithyBeaker · 06/04/2026 19:28

Cushionsplease · 06/04/2026 19:26

And his one bed flat would mean…. All three of his kids in one bedroom and dad in the lounge.

What fool buys a one bed thinking it would be suitable for three children to live half their lives there.

A fool who clocks a woman with a 4 bedroom house and only one child.

Edited
Show quote history

I mean, sure… except he bought it before he met me…

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 06/04/2026 19:29

PithyBeaker · 06/04/2026 19:22

My DC says he would miss the kids. He said “60/65% sad”.

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If your child loves his step-family and wants them to stay, then to be honest that's different - I would probably just put up with the mess etc. And see what I could do to revitalise the relationship (you say you still love and fancy him after all). Date nights, shared hobbies? Clichéd but to a point things like that DO work.

For example, my boyfriend and I had never been to a spa until recently. It is such a nice thing to do together, and it does feel like doing nice stuff like that improves communication and the relationship in general.

DaisyChain505 · 06/04/2026 19:29

PithyBeaker · 06/04/2026 16:50

He can’t afford to buy a house. I think he would struggle to rent somewhere big enough. He owns a one bedroom flat near their school but says he couldn’t live there with them, too small

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This isn’t your problem to fix. He owns a property, he can either live there or sell it and buy somewhere else or rent somewhere.

Stop treating him like a child that you need to help survive life. He’s a grown ass man and you don’t need to be paying his way or cleaning up after his lazy ass.

It’s crazy how low your bar is right now and how much you’re willing to put up with just for the sake of not being alone.

Cushionsplease · 06/04/2026 19:29

PithyBeaker · 06/04/2026 19:28

I mean, sure… except he bought it before he met me…

Show quote history

He had a plan!

and so you embarked on a serious relationship with a man who you knew had 3 children but only a one bed flat?

Holdinguphalfthesky · 06/04/2026 19:30

I can’t help agreeing with @Shitmonger the more you post, @PithyBeaker . He doesn’t want to make you happier, he no longer cares (or pretends to care) about what you like or would want. Not even to go out for a walk with you! That’s poor on his part, really lazy. Then to dismiss every solution you offer to the problem of his kids-! He really doesn’t care.

You have to believe people when they show you by their actions who they are and what’s important to them. This guy is all about himself.

honeylulu · 06/04/2026 19:32

OP you are accepting the shitty end of the stick because you love him and want him to be happy. You provide him and his kids with a nice place to live for free so he can pay money to an ex who isn't entitled to it and can keep an empty flat that is "too much hassle" to rent out. You pay a cleaner to clear up his kids shitty toilet messes. You take over cooking when he gets "overwhelmed". Nothing will change because he "won't entertain it" .

But what do you get out of it? I'm not saying relationships have to be transactional down to every nickel and dime but what does he compromise on "because he loves you and wants you to be happy"? Sounds like fuck all. He won't even go for a walk with you!

Tell him you've had enough and they all have to leave and you "won't entertain" anything else.

Original poster
PithyBeaker · 06/04/2026 19:34

moderndilemma · 06/04/2026 18:51

I think there are (at least) 3 different things going on for you.

Firstly when dp's kids are there the mess and choas drives you to distraction, you feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Although dp parents them, his approach is more relaxed that yours (for whatever reason) and he doesn't enforce boundaries that he knows are important to you. Are there things that he / you both can do to change this? my neurodiverse dgc have detailed lists to follow. Not just 'get ready for bed', but take your clothes off; put your worn clothes in the laundry bin etc. Not just 'clean your teeth' but put toothpaste on your brush, (and finishing with) wipe the sink to clean up toothpaste spit. His dc may require different things but is there an approach you can agree on to minimise the chaos? There is also a high energy 15 minutes of frantic tidying - with a timer - whenever things start to get a big messy, one chiild puts the lego away, another helps with laundry etc. Bottom line here is can you and dp work together with his dc and yours to find strategies that work, and which alleviate some of your stress and distress?

Secondly, the actual relationship between you and your dp. You say you love him, but your posts read as though you are quite disconnected. He's gaming, you're in bed, you find it hard to persuade him to do things together with you. It feels quite depressing. What can you both do to continue building a positive relationship that serves you both? Life with 4 children is going to be challenging for any family - blended or not - but you get through it best when you have a solid and thriving relationship between the adults. Do you have that? If this is your life now, how will it change in say 10 years time, when perhaps all children have left home? Will you be embarking on adventures, laughing at ridiculous things, or will you be in companionable but lonely silence? Will dp's messiness make you wonder whether you'd have an easier life on your own? Bottom line here is do you and dp really have a realtionship that is worth fighting for, worth dealing with the challenge of 4 kids in the meantime? Can you work together to make that happen, or after 5 years have you both lost interest a bit?

Thirdly, your own ds seems to enjoy being part of a bigger family. I wonder whether you feel some guilt that he is an only child, and that the ready made step-siblings seemed like an excellent part-time solution. Few sibling situations are perfect - competition, bickering, different neurodiverse issues... but I wonder whether you / your ds are tolerating a level of disruption or low-level unkindness? If you were not with your dp, how would you bridge the sibling space? Would you have more friends to stay over with your ds (after all you'd have the room for them)? Would you find groups and clubs for him to join (you'd have the time to take him).

It feels like all 3 of these issues are conflated. Maybe if you consider them all independently you will have a clearer idea of what you should do...

I've not included the financial situation in all of this. It sounds like a complex overlay. It reads like you could manage OK if it were just you and your ds, but your dp is quite dependant on the status quo in order to afford living 50/50 with his dc (each in their own room), and to assuage his guilt and pay his ex. If that's the case, he is going to be pretty resistant to many of the changes that people have suggested. Be prepared for that.

You are spot on and this is well-expressed, on all three points. On the third point, spot on with the guilt about him not having siblings and a ready-made solution. Also I do take him to a lot of clubs already, and friends’ houses. Would just be net loss if DP’s kids were not there. On the first point, this is a real point of contention. He tries and I have seen him put the effort in to clean up before I come home like if I’ve been away. He is not a monster, as I’ve said. The real issue is two. The relationship seems to be on an ebb flow at the moment and he seems content to put bare minimum in. I am like let’s try therapy, more date nights and he’s not against any of it just unbothered to do any actual work or change to save the relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
PithyBeaker · 06/04/2026 19:36

Holdinguphalfthesky · 06/04/2026 19:30

I can’t help agreeing with @Shitmonger the more you post, @PithyBeaker . He doesn’t want to make you happier, he no longer cares (or pretends to care) about what you like or would want. Not even to go out for a walk with you! That’s poor on his part, really lazy. Then to dismiss every solution you offer to the problem of his kids-! He really doesn’t care.

You have to believe people when they show you by their actions who they are and what’s important to them. This guy is all about himself.

think this is true. He really is only thinking of himself ultimately. Which is what everyone is encouraging me to do…

OP posts:
Original poster
PithyBeaker · 06/04/2026 19:37

Ilovelurchers · 06/04/2026 19:29

If your child loves his step-family and wants them to stay, then to be honest that's different - I would probably just put up with the mess etc. And see what I could do to revitalise the relationship (you say you still love and fancy him after all). Date nights, shared hobbies? Clichéd but to a point things like that DO work.

For example, my boyfriend and I had never been to a spa until recently. It is such a nice thing to do together, and it does feel like doing nice stuff like that improves communication and the relationship in general.

Show quote history

This is the only reason I haven’t already ended the relationship tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
PithyBeaker · 06/04/2026 19:38

PithyBeaker · 06/04/2026 19:37

This is the only reason I haven’t already ended the relationship tbh.

Show quote history

And obviously I do also love DP.

OP posts:
Cushionsplease · 06/04/2026 19:38

So the only reason you’re staying with him is for your child

and it seems the only reason he’s staying with you is for accommodation

edit you followed up to say that you “obviously” love him.

not obvious as to why as to literally anyone else though

Lavenderblue11 · 06/04/2026 19:40

PithyBeaker · 06/04/2026 16:03

Again, I would be really happy with this but think DP would not. He doesn’t want to move out and find somewhere to live with his kids.

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I bet he doesn't! He's got such a cushty set up with you, he's a cheeky fekker! Tell the cocklodger he needs to find his own place for the sake of your mental health.

Holdinguphalfthesky · 06/04/2026 19:41

PithyBeaker · 06/04/2026 19:36

think this is true. He really is only thinking of himself ultimately. Which is what everyone is encouraging me to do…

Show quote history

You have been thinking of everyone but yourself for so long, you’ve forgotten that you are also allowed to have your needs met. Your partner isn’t trying to ensure that they are (and really he should be). Your kid is a kid. So the only person here who might start looking out for you is… you.

YourWildAmberSloth · 06/04/2026 19:42

Sorry OP but it sounds like a nightmare situation, and a lot to inflict on your own DC. They may say they look forward to them coming over but that doesn't mean that the situation is good for them. You're the adult - do you honestly believe that this is an environment for your child to thrive in? Suddenly having to share their home with 4 unrelated ND people? Likewise, you and DP love each other but that isn't always enough. As you said in your opening post, it is draining the life out of you all - in which case YABU to continue it.

IsawwhatIsaw · 06/04/2026 19:42

But you are the adult here. You should not be making decisions based on your 12 year olds preference? You should be prioritizing him, not subsidizing this man and his family. Are you afraid of being alone?

Cushionsplease · 06/04/2026 19:45

What on earth must your friends and family think of him??! Although I’m guessing you have kept from them the reality of his circumstances and dependency on you

previouslyknownas · 06/04/2026 19:47

PithyBeaker · 06/04/2026 19:16

I have suggested exactly this. He said it would be harder and wouldn’t entertain it

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lol at he won’t entertain it
says it all really

If his kids are ND they won’t be leaving home any time soon
you want to spend the next 15 -20 years cleaning up after feral kids

I hope he’s fucking amazing in bed
Because I can’t see any reason why you are prioritizing him and his kids over you and you son

Steeleydan · 06/04/2026 19:47

PithyBeaker · 06/04/2026 16:03

Again, I would be really happy with this but think DP would not. He doesn’t want to move out and find somewhere to live with his kids.

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Wake up,of course he doesn't want to move out as he's free loading at your place!! It would cost him alot of money to support himself in a house of his own and his kids!!
You're an absolute push over! You even pay a cleaner to clean up after his kids have trashed the place!!

FloralAmber · 06/04/2026 19:48

PithyBeaker · 06/04/2026 15:38

To be clear, I don’t clean up their mess. I pay a cleaner to come on the day they leave. He does almost all the childcare when they are with us and we share cooking and do equal nights a week. He did pay rent for about a year but I stopped bc it felt unfair to take his money …

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He needs to move out. He is taking advantage of you.

StarCourt · 06/04/2026 19:50

@PithyBeakerhow much younger than you is he?

Aluna · 06/04/2026 19:50

PithyBeaker · 06/04/2026 16:44

Bc it feels like my last chance at a happy relationship and happy family. Like if I give up I’ll never be happy. Sunken costs of five years already… Also I still really fancy him and we used to be happy and laugh a lot. Occasionally when it’s just the two of us I feel that again. But it’s so rare. And I have to twist his arm to do things with me, like go for a walk. He doesn’t see the point unless it’s something super risky/adrenaline heavy (I think that’s an ADHD thing).

Show quote history

This kind of all or nothing “last chance” “never be happy” catastrophising is super unhelpful to you OP. It’s preventing you from seeing the situation clearly.

This is very much a circumstance that living separately would have been much better all round. Apart from for DP who is reaping the benefit of a housekeeper/nanny for the kids he couldn’t parent himself so he can kick back and game. That’s why he was so keen to move in.

Blended families can work, although it’s quite rare, but if the partner and one or more of the kids is ASD/ADHD, and partner is quite lazy to boot, it’s unlikely and it won’t get better as they get older it will simply get worse.

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