AIBU to think blended family life is draining us all?

[PithyBeaker]

DP and I have been together five years. I have one DC from previous marriage and he has three DC from his previous marriage that are with us every other week. No kids together. The kids mostly get on and play well. There is some unhealthy competition with my DC which I don’t like and his kids are allowed much more screen time and watch age inappropriate things at their mother’s. His kids also have more care needs (ADHD, neuro-diverse, etc) than mine. DP and I try to split the cooking but he is easily overwhelmed by his kids (he is also ADHD and ASD) and things run to chaos under his control (laundry piles everywhere, mess, wrappers discarded, etc). I’m not a neat freak at all but the mess drives even me crazy (things like touching handles with filthy hands and not cleaning toilet bowl after a poo). I am often the one laying down rules, enforcing boundaries because DP much more relaxed. The house gets wrecked when they come over (it is my house). We both work full-time. DP and I used to enjoy time together but increasingly in evenings he just games and I go to sleep early. Basically: I am tired and feel like life would be easier if it was just me and my DC. AIBU to think that no matter what happens blending families never really works and I will ultimately be the one sucked dry and drained by this situation, with more net harm than good in the end? I sometimes miss the days when it was just me and my DC and it was peaceful, but also I think I would really miss my DP and my DC would miss DP’s DC. I don’t know whether it would now be more harmful to my DC (who is about to start secondary) to lose DP and DP’s DC - or better for him (and me) in the long run. Help.

I think there are (at least) 3 different things going on for you.

Firstly when dp's kids are there the mess and choas drives you to distraction, you feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Although dp parents them, his approach is more relaxed that yours (for whatever reason) and he doesn't enforce boundaries that he knows are important to you. Are there things that he / you both can do to change this? my neurodiverse dgc have detailed lists to follow. Not just 'get ready for bed', but take your clothes off; put your worn clothes in the laundry bin etc. Not just 'clean your teeth' but put toothpaste on your brush, (and finishing with) wipe the sink to clean up toothpaste spit. His dc may require different things but is there an approach you can agree on to minimise the chaos? There is also a high energy 15 minutes of frantic tidying - with a timer - whenever things start to get a big messy, one chiild puts the lego away, another helps with laundry etc. Bottom line here is can you and dp work together with his dc and yours to find strategies that work, and which alleviate some of your stress and distress?

Secondly, the actual relationship between you and your dp. You say you love him, but your posts read as though you are quite disconnected. He's gaming, you're in bed, you find it hard to persuade him to do things together with you. It feels quite depressing. What can you both do to continue building a positive relationship that serves you both? Life with 4 children is going to be challenging for any family - blended or not - but you get through it best when you have a solid and thriving relationship between the adults. Do you have that? If this is your life now, how will it change in say 10 years time, when perhaps all children have left home? Will you be embarking on adventures, laughing at ridiculous things, or will you be in companionable but lonely silence? Will dp's messiness make you wonder whether you'd have an easier life on your own? Bottom line here is do you and dp really have a realtionship that is worth fighting for, worth dealing with the challenge of 4 kids in the meantime? Can you work together to make that happen, or after 5 years have you both lost interest a bit?

Thirdly, your own ds seems to enjoy being part of a bigger family. I wonder whether you feel some guilt that he is an only child, and that the ready made step-siblings seemed like an excellent part-time solution. Few sibling situations are perfect - competition, bickering, different neurodiverse issues... but I wonder whether you / your ds are tolerating a level of disruption or low-level unkindness? If you were not with your dp, how would you bridge the sibling space? Would you have more friends to stay over with your ds (after all you'd have the room for them)? Would you find groups and clubs for him to join (you'd have the time to take him).

It feels like all 3 of these issues are conflated. Maybe if you consider them all independently you will have a clearer idea of what you should do...

I've not included the financial situation in all of this. It sounds like a complex overlay. It reads like you could manage OK if it were just you and your ds, but your dp is quite dependant on the status quo in order to afford living 50/50 with his dc (each in their own room), and to assuage his guilt and pay his ex. If that's the case, he is going to be pretty resistant to many of the changes that people have suggested. Be prepared for that.

If he has told you this it feels like gaslighting… if he gets the mortgage covered that’s surely a significant amount he doesn’t have to pay out each month? If he is worried about time to maintain it he can have it fully managed; he’d still probably be net in credit financially

What does your child want?

Also I agree with other posters, it sounds like your DP knows he’s onto a good thing with having you as a nanny with a fanny, also he’s living basically for free. Of course he won’t be happy if you ask him to move out.

The way you are feeling, do you have the energy and motivation to be the best mum possible for your DC?

Even if DC likes the other kids, they don’t know what they are missing in terms of you.

And also this shouldn’t be a discussion you have with them if they are only 11-12, it’s not fair as they don’t understand all the nuances.

You posted here for a reason, asked chat GPT for a reason. You’ve had the conversations with your partner already and he manipulated you into paralysis.

What needs to happen for you to prioritise you?

@Teaandbiscuits26 I’ll probably get pummelled for this but I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone with adhd or asd.

100% agree with you. I was once, never again.

You seem to think he has to agree to a change in living with you, but he doesn't. It sounds like you asked him to move out and he refused. It's your house, he doesn't get to refuse.

He's using you to pay for accomodation for himself and his children but doesn't even have the manners (or sense) to try to maintain a relationship with you so he can continue this cushy deal. He just ignores you and games every evening.

40 is so young. You have plenty of time to meet an equal partner who doesn't see you as a meal ticket. Stop being so nice to someone who doesn't value you.

Have a really, really careful read of what you have written here. It really sums up the issue for me: he would rather clean up after his kids but you prefer to pay someone to do this to … having to nag him.

There will be other ways to provide company for your child than this man and his feral children.

Could you suggest a compromise then. He and his kids in the flat Monday to Friday for an easier commute to school. Weekend days are spent at yours so your son still sees them. The bulk of their belongings at the flat so less upheaval for you. More clearly your house then so your rules. What he did the weeks he doesn’t have to be decided immediately but it gives a reset. Set a review date of six months say and everyone has a bit of breathing space.

Honestly, kids want their parents to be happy. If your dc thinks you want these guys sharing your home, he’s going to play up the parts he likes. But as pp said, kids like all sorts that’s not good for them. YOU are the adult here, and it has to be your decision (and you have to bear the consequences). None of it can be left to a pre-teen to decide, that’s really unfair.

It also teaches that one should sacrifice their own wants and needs for other people’s wants and needs- which is fine occasionally, of course, but shouldn’t be the default. Kids need to see a balance of sacrifice and self-fulfilment.

DC may need extra opportunities for socialising once the steps move out (assuming your partner breaks up with you in revenge) but you could probably do that with a couple of clubs. And show the opportunities available once you have more money and resources- my dc is an only and loves that, for example, we go on European mini breaks together, because we can. That wouldn’t happen if I had stepkids.

Her son loves the current set-up and having “siblings”. The OP loves her partner.

That’s two good reasons to make it work if she can. It does sound like she has really tried a lot already though.

OP I am pretty shocked at some of the responses here. I don’t think your man sounds awful (in fact some things you’ve said, like how he pays his ex when he doesn’t need to because he recognises her contribution during early child years, make it clear he’s a good and thoughtful man).

My question is, when the kids are grown and it’s just you two, do you think he’ll be giving you what you need then? It’s unclear to me if this relationship would really be working even if his kids weren’t around - it sounds like he’s putting in very little effort with you and that’s not anything to do with the kids. Day to day, do you feel his love for you?

I have to agree with this. OP has all the assets here, he is a liability, but she's letting him dictate things.
I have done the same, defaulted to obeying the man.

FFS of course he doesn't want to move out! He's got it made. You have to employ a cleaner (paid for by you) to clear up his and his children's mess. Honestly, you need to give yourself a good shake. This is a ridiculous situation. Tell him to get his logical brain around the fact that nobody likes someone coming into their house and leaving it a completely dirty mess. If he parented better, he would be welcome.

Are you saying they live there without paying anything? Does he have his own place? Sorry if you've said this.

Yes. Well, they have two bedrooms between three of them. Two of them share one bedroom

I have suggested exactly this. He said it would be harder and wouldn’t entertain it

Will the DCs leave home or does their neurodiversity mean that they will live with you into adulthood?
Your DC could have play dates more often if SDC aren’t there.
Will there be more disruption once they are all teens - can you afford university for them?

Honestly no surprise that he is resistant to all your compromises, he clearly benefits from the status quo, but you don’t. And it’s your house. You would legally be in your rights to change the locks one day so he could no longer enter. You are allowed to say, look, this is serious for me, something has to change. If you won’t compromise then I will break up with you. you WNBU to say that.

OP, I am sorry you are in this situation. I wanted to post because my situation used to be a bit similar to yours - there were no other kids involved, but I moved in with a guy (rental property) who was not my daughter's dad. He was nice to her but the situation didn't make her particularly happy - she didn't like him that much - and as the higher earner I ended up paying the majority of the bills.....

Eventually I thought, if this isn't actively improving my daughter's life, why am I doing it? So I got together enough money to put down a deposit on a flat for my daughter and me, and I moved out.

To be honest I assumed that my partner would have no interest in me if he was no longer getting heavily subsidised accommodation.....

But after some time apart, we have recently started seeing each other again, and I have to say it's lovely. I love having him as my boyfriend (I only see him when my daughter is at her dad's) but still having my own little separate family unit, my own place, my own life!

He was over for Easter weekend as my daughter was at her dad's, and it was lovely: takeaway Friday night; we went to a spa on Saturday; Sunday I cooked a nice roast. We never used to have such nice times when we lived together - it was all stress and agro. He is actually way more respectful to me now. Familiarity breeds contempt, I guess. Maybe not contempt - but it's human nature to take something for granted when it's always available.....

If you ask your DP to move out, you risk losing him. But if you let him stay, you face th certainty, pretty much, of years more miserable drudge.

I know which I would chose.

Out of interest, have you spoken to your DC about it? Do you know what their preference is?

My daughter was clear that she wanted it to be just the two of us.....

Well of course he wants what suits him!
He’s got free accommodation, you paying for cleaners…
It shouldn’t be up to him.You are allowing yourself to be used. I also feel sorry for your DS.

I’ve never heard of a truly successful “blended” family. If the adults think it’s successful, they’re wilfully ignorant or just plain ignorant.

I hope he’s very financially generous in other ways, covers bills and food etc. You’re saving him a HUGE amount of money by housing him and his 3 kids 50% of the time.

This is exactly the crux of it. He isn’t a monster. And we do have great chemistry, used to enjoy talking to him, being in his company. When we do go out and do things together we have fun. Sometimes. But also it is twisting his arm to get him to go out, he prefers being inside on his laptop-unless the activity is really an adrenaline rush he thinks it’s boring and not worth it. I just like going for a walk in the country but he finds that dull. He says there is no point doing anything until kids grow up and he can have a life again. Like he is resigned to next ten years being a shit slog and we will enjoy ourselves later. But I feel like why wait? I don’t think next ten years need to be miserable

I know you say you stopped taking his money but I think less of him for not insisting on continuing to pay!

My DC says he would miss the kids. He said “60/65% sad”.

I think it’s clear he isn’t a man worth fighting to keep.

OP, look forward to a year from now when it’s just you and your child in your home. Cocklodger and his brood are nowhere to be seen. What adventures are you and DC getting up to? What’s it like for DC to have friends over for a sleepover every so often? How does the peace and calm feel for you?

I have my own experiences with a cocklodger and his brood. I look back now and think I was under some sort of a spell. I wouldn’t entertain living with a man who has kids now should my own circumstances change.

So there’s nearly 40% of him that would not be sad if they didn’t live with you any more.