AIBU to refuse to cook for rude stepson after family gathering?

[Bookworm847]

So me and DH have been together 9 years- he has 1 DS age 13 and I have 2 DS age 15 & 13 and no children together. My DC live with me and go to their Dad EOW and we have DSS EOW.
About 2 years ago DSS stopped taking to me and I may get the occasional grunt but no ‘hello’ ‘goodbye’ and he mostly just walks off and ignores me when I talk or DH will repeat the same question and he will answer him which I find rude and disrespectful.
Yesterday we planned a huge family gathering for Easter and DSS refused to go- DH told him next time he would be going which I said was ridiculous and either he is part of the family and attends or you allow him to do what he pleases and stop the ‘next time’ as that’s pointless.
we get home about 8pm and DH asks me what I am cooking for DSS as he didn’t have dinner- I stated nothing and he hadn’t eaten due to his choice to stay home and DH was more than welcome to cook for him but I wasn’t (I had been cooking all day and DH had sat drinking beer).
DH then got in a sulk and I feel I had just had enough of the whole situation- I love my DH and he is an amazing step dad but he has allowed his son to be rude and disrespectful to me in my own home for 2 years and not addressed it to the point I feel uncomfortable in my own home when DSS is here and while it’s mainly only EOW it’s hard. DH has also agreed DSS being here all week now as I am off work and home with activities planned and booked for my DC with out even a conversation- DH will be at work so I feel now I can’t relax on my weekend off

Take all the snacks, all the stuff he eats and doesn’t clean. Put them where he can’t get them. He is abusing your house and doesn’t give a shit about or his dad. Dad needs to step in and say as long as dss is disrespectful to you then he will be getting nothing. You should never ever be made to feel unwelcome in your own home, this is YOUR safe space. This boy is 13, old enough to clean up after himself. If he can’t do it, he gets nothing, simple. And get dad to clean what he doesn’t do. Your husband needs to tell him this tho, not you. You also have a husband problem but that’s a different post.

YANBU

It’s very easy to feel sorry for the step child when you aren’t the one being disrespected in your own home.

Yes DH should be pulling him up on this and it will only get worse. However….DSS is 13 he’s not a little child, he knows right from wrong and is choosing to behave this like towards OP and it’s not on.

DH needs to have a proper conversation with him and if he continues to ignore you, not clean up after himself etc then he wouldn’t be welcome. Why should OP have to feel like this in her own home, she’s not asking for much just basic manners. This will start to have a negative effect on her own DC, if it hasn’t already.

“You also have a husband problem but that’s a different post.”

I don’t think it is. It’s 100% the problem here

If he’s eating more than 12 times the amount eaten by one of the OP’s DC as she claims, something is monumentally wrong.

I missed the post with relatives - mainly hers and two of his. I totally agree that the father is useless - but if she wants to keep her marriage (not sure why she would!) she needs to ensure all children are made to feel it's their home - and it's the deadbeat dad that needs to do that. She just needs a bit more sympathy to a 13 year old who doesn't feel he belongs.

Way to make the kid feel even less like he belongs.

He very much does not belong, so his feelings are valid. Anyone who sees their kid 4 days a month and doesn't even parent on those few hours is...well, my post would be deleted if I used the words I want to.

Obviously the "DH" won't be doing any of that , he sees OP as the resident cook and housekeeper. There is no way for her to make him do it.

That’s ridiculous. Your husband should not be doing that. If he doesn’t answer you then he misses out on the panto etc and his dad should tell him not to be so rude.

Secondly your husband asking you if you had cooked for him - I would have laughed and assumed he was joking.

He needs to tell his son if he’s going to be in the house all day he needs to cook and clean up after himself. If you get back to a mess then pull him up on it. I’d take the mess to his room. Don’t leave enough food that he can eat it all. He should have a set screen time limit
and then go out with his mates or something.

See this is why I would never ever ever accept someone else’s child in my own home. So that means no man would ever be worth it if he has kids. What a shit bag of a child. No way would I want that in my home, around my kids or want to do a single thing for. Surely a man is not that important??
I certainly would NOT be cooking and including him in activities for my own children.

From what I see and know DSS has a good relationship with his mum and her DH and the other step siblings are also in the home EOW they just are slightly younger. dSS has his own room and space in both homes

So is it just him living with his mum & step dad?

Yes. I suppose those women have no reason to post on MN.

I'm afraid it is your husband who is the problem. He is happy to sit around whilst you spend your day cooking, then expects you to do some more cooking, and then throws in a weeks worth of childcare without discussing it with you.

Your teenage stepson will copy the way he sees his father treating you, which sadly, is not a great example.

You need to set some boundaries.

That doesn't work legally if you are married and since you keep using DH I'm assuming you are. All assets are split from the 50/50 starting point.

You calling a child “that” is shocking.

Oh, wow. This has went on for far too long.

If this was any other 13 year old child treating you like this in your own home (your child, your friend’s child, your nephew, your grandson etc) the replies would be entirely different. But because this is a stepchild, he can apparently behave towards you however he likes and do whatever he pleases and he will never be held responsibile for his own behaviour. No matter how old he gets. It will be your fault and his father’s fault. Forever.

There is not a chance I would ever let my children witness someone treating me like this.

I think it’s time your DH saw his son outside of your home until his son can treat you with a basic level of respect that every single other adult in his life expects from
him.

It’s absolutely disgusting what some people think stepmums should have to tolerate.

he unfortunately may not help as I have observed phones, games consoles left on floor that he run over with a chair

OOOH he sounds worser and worser, this wicked stepkid.🙄

It’s absolutely disgusting what some people think stepmums should have to tolerate.

They don't have to tolerate anything.

The complications inherent in blending families should be thoroughly thought through before embarking on the blending. If it isn't clear how it is going to work for ALL parties, then don't just forge ahead into a boggy situation.

There IS a choice.

My dh would be cooking if it were our own child in those circumstances op, so you are not being unreasonable. I also agree he needs to take the week off, and he needs to pull his finger out. Find something he’d like to go to/do, you ask him, he ignores you, and dh doesn’t repeat your question he says ok I guess it’s just us and Bob and Sarah, we’ll do it on the weekend <dss name> isn’t here since he doesn’t want to come. Be much more clear that not responding to you doesn’t always mean he still gets the question or option. But also reach out to him much more actively- he sounds like he’s struggling and it’s a difficult age and your dh needs to put more work into it. Starting with taking the week off, since he needs to put more of his own work into it not commit more of your work.

Contrary to the majority opinion, can I please say that you need to sit down calmly and discuss this with DH. By your own admission, he's a great step dad. He's probably as frustrated with his own child as you are but has the absent parent guilt, and hence is unable to discipline.
Why dont both of you work together to solve the issue? All teenagers, step or otherwise, will act out. Unfortunately, your DH has let it carry on for far too long, but please, please work with him together on this, for the sake of the child and your marriage.

I'd say thank goodness for any future stepkids! Yet you'd expect a bloke to accept your dcs?

Looks like it worked fine for a while, as she has been in this child’s life for a long time, but the behaviour in question has been over the past 2 years.

But you’re right, she doesn’t have to tolerate anything

Her husband can see stepson outside of her home until he can treat her with a basic level of respect that every single other adult in his life expects from him.

Yes, this kid has 4 adults in his life and seems he is back of the line with all 4. His parents need to step up.

^ This

Sounds like he's learned his disrespect from your husband. You've been out all day and he turns to you to ask what you'll be cooking his son? He can sort it himself! He needs to model respect so his son can see what it looks like